My baby or my husband?
I have been with my husband for 3 years. We converted to Islam together 1 year ago. Neither of us are very good practiser of Islam anymore. I find it difficult to keep all my prayers with school and studying keeping me tied up, and my husband smokes marjuana, and takes other drugs sometimes (at least he doesn't drink, alhumdulilah).
I recently found out i am pregnant. Sometimes hes happy about it, sometimes he's not. When he's not he can be very nasty. He gives me ultimatums, to either abort the baby or be a solo mother, he tells me I'm not fit to be a mother, he points out all my flaws and makes me feel really sad about myself.
I can't go on like this. Its making me feel really depressed. I don't want to adopt, abort, or give up on my baby. But I love my husband so so so very much, I don't want to let him go. We have an amazing Imam but he is in Egypt at the moment and we don't know when he will be coming back. My husband has stopped attending mosque and visiting his Muslim friends, instead he is turning to his atheist friends for advice which is not good because one of them has suggested terrible things such as inducing a miscarriage by injecting me with a high dose of antibiotics, hitting me in the stomach with a sledge hammer, and he even said he believes abortions should be available and allowed until the baby is 6 months old. That's horrible.
My baby is due on may 18th and is 11 weeks now.
- Habeeba
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Salaams,
The things you mentioned were said to your husband to do to you to hurt the baby are horrible. I'm just going to say it clearly: choose the baby over your husband.
You say you had a "wonderful imam" who is now out of the country. I'm sorry, sister, but your marriage is you and your husband. Your imam cannot override the actions of you or your husband to make the marriage work. From what it sounds like, the marriage is having a bad effect on your emotional health and your deen, and the threat of violence takes the cake.
He smokes weed and does "other drugs", so what points is he getting from abstaining from alcohol? Haraam is haraam. His character right now is in the gutter, since he is not practicing and actually turning to disbelievers for advice.
On the other hand, the baby you are carrying is an innocent being. It has not done any wrong, and could not do any wrong as a sweet baby. This baby will grow into a child who will love you, adore you, and do their level best to make every day the one where you are most happy with him/her. Why make the baby, or yourself even, pay the price for the incredibly poor and selfish choices of a man you probably made a mistake in marrying?
I can tell you from experience that one of the worst feelings in the world is the regret of giving someone endless second chances who didn't deserve them. It's so easy to pour years of your life into a marriage or into a man who needs help because you love them and hope they will become a better person, only to realize years later that you essentially wasted your time.
You can't get that time back, sister, and you definitely don't want to be that person down the road asking yourself why you didn't make the hard choice when you first saw the red flags. Once children are brought in the mix, it becomes that much more of a heartbreak because it's hard to explain to them that the life they understood as "normal" was really unhealthy all along. Leaving someone is a hard process whether you had to endure 3 or 33 years of a sick relationship, but that doesn't make it any less the right thing to do if you want a better life for you and your unborn child.
Put your child first. Create a healthy, loving and peaceful home to raise him/her in. Find support in the friends and family who truly care for you and want the best for you, and invest your energies into being the best woman and mother you can for your child's sake. Insha'Allah those intentions will pay off in much more exponential ways than staying with a man who is clearly not motivated or ready to help himself and sacrificing the life of a child for his sake.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
are you serious inject you, forget alongside assualt that battery, and how is his iman good if he thinking about what his ATHESIT freinds idea, they have no consious at all, and a baby with a sledgehammer OMG im suprised you havent called the police no man has that right, I dont even know what to say seek advice and make dua
Assalam'alaykum,
I'm happy to hear about your revertion to Islam and I hope you find success within Islam by following its teachings.
Normaly I always stick to this moto " Everyone deserves a chance " . But I'm afraid to say, your husband doesn't. How about giving a chance to that innocent being in your womb to live. Your child deserves most than your husband who might be insane.
Yes you love your husband as all wife must do. BUT when your husband tells you to do somthing which Allah forbids, then you have every right, infact its your obligation to obey Allah and not your husband. Your husband is planing to commit an act of murder with your help. If you co-operate with him, you will be held accountable. And Allah's punishment isn't just putting behind bars infact much more terrible and severe, somthing to do with FIRE. It would be wrong to love a man who wants to kill your chid. Who knows, mabybe he'll abort few more children with you. Who knows if his friends suggestion would be put to action. Who knows if he'll sledge hammer your tummy or your head. Who knows if he'll inject you with high dose of anti-biotics or with pancuronium bromide and potassium chloride which will stop your heart. This is not far fetched as he believes even a child of 6 month old can be murdered. I would certainly take all precautionary measures and stay away from him. He has serious issues.
I would love to advice you to sit down and discuss everything with your husband and make him realise about his false philosophy and absurd ideas given to him by his mates and tell him to fear Allah. But then, who knows if he'll get his friends and force you down to inject you with lethal poison or etc. By then you would be physically/emotionally drained. Thats why you indeed have to make a bitter choice and that is by divorcing him. It is highly advised to divorce him.
Lets review your husband to see if he can be a better father/husband and a role model for your children or you.
He does drugs (intoxicants), all intoxicants are forbidden by Allah. He wants abortion, Abortion is forbidden too.
He turns to Allah's enemy for advices, therefore He will get a response opposite to what Allah likes.
He wants to justify killing till the age of 6 months, murder is forbidden by Allah.
He has insulted you by your flaws, thus hurting your feelings.
He has threaten you with divorce, showing his lack of love for you and your well-being.
Stay or leave, Make your choice.
My advise would be to divorce him, give your child a chance. Bring him up as muslim. Your children will love you more than anyone. Do your duties towards Allah, obey him. Have patience and insha'Allah you will find a better partner who have his senses intact and would take great care of you and your children.
asalam alikum wr wb
my advice would be that you should keep the baby, i was in the same situation as u i had a baby the 1st tym and after when she was 6months i was pregnant again my husband gave me the idea to have an abortion but then again i stayed strong i've had a baby boy but it is difficult sometimes i think i should have done it but then again i feel proud of what i done it makes you feel stronger ones you have a child it's not easy but it makes you feel alot more worth living for, men come and go and annoy you but children they'll stay by your side no matter how harsh you are. kids can't live without their mothers and husbands can live without their wife.
Your baby.
Your husband's atheist friends advice could also kill or very seriously harm you.
Pregnancy can be a tricky time for a man, but that does not condone him wanting to kill your child and put your health at risk. It also does not condone him wanting to ignore the laws and will of Allah.
Normally, I am the biggest advocate of people staying married, parying and fixing their problems. And if your husband was merely uncertain about the baby or afriad of impending fatherhood, then I would tell you the same thing. To stay and pray, and try to incorporate more religion into your lives (even just playing Quran while he is home can encourage him).
BUT.
I am seriously concerned about your baby's life and your life. Please, be very careful. Maybe you don't want to divorce him. But you will be a mother inshallah, and as a mother you have a higher duty to your child than to your husband. Look at the animals Allah has created....they will hunt and kill, sometimes going days without food. And when they make the kill, the food goes to their babies first, subhanallah. They do it for their babies, not often the adult males. And if someone is threatening their baby- mothers go for the kill.
I am NOT telling you to kill or do anything illegal (my disclaimer). Follow the laws set by your country and by Allah. Leave this man who endangers your child. Go stay with your mother or grandmother or aunt at least until the baby is born. After that----make your choice, but make it carefully. Your child is being endangered, remove them from the danger- the fact that it is your husband who is the threat should not stop you from protecting your child.
Work on your marriage after there is no threat to your baby.
Allah knows best.