My husband lied about everything, he was already married
Salam
I came from a broken family and when I first got married. I thought I would end up having a happy life that I've been longing for since I was a kid but it failed. My first husband was quite abusive verbally and physically and he gave me divorce. He was a pakistani and I'm a Filipino and I met him here in UK.
After my failed marriage, I met someone who was born here in the UK. I never knew that he is Pakistani as well. He lied about everything. I told him everything about me and never lied to him and he told me that he is a divorcee as well and has one son and the ex wife is in Pakistan. He even told me that he is just adopted by a Pakistani family. I believed him because he doesn't look like a Pakistani and has very fair skin.
I committed myself to him but he said we can't live together because he is scared that his parents might do something. We did nikkah, just only me and my husband plus the two Imaam. My mum knows about it but she didn't come for she was working that day. All my family knows him apart from his family.
I'm living alone with my daughter from my ex husband. My husband just comes to see me sometimes though he lives just 10mins walk away from me. His reason was his work. He's working very hard but never supports me financially, I ask him a lot of times but he seems to ignore me when it comes to money, so I stopped asking. It's just money but all I need is for him to give me time which he can't.
I was 4 months pregnant when he revealed that he isn't divorced but that his marriage was an arranged marriage and he doesn't love his wife. the wife who lives in Pakistan with his two kids. He wasnt adopted but he is a real son. I got mad but not enough to hate him because I really love him. I accept him and told him that he has to tell his family about us. He asked me to wait for 20 yrs before he can live with us. He said he wanted to get rich first but I doubt that, he just waitng for his parents to get old maybe.
I give birth to our son and still he is not supporting us and not giving us any of his time. Our son is two months old already. We had a fight and he give me 1st talaq, because of that I got the courage to see his family and tell them everything. I found out their address through the net. I went to see his family with our baby and they asked me a lot of questions, my husband wasnt there that time. His parents didn't even touch their grandson, I do understand because it was a shock for them.
I told them everything. His sister told me that my husband doesn't see his wife in Pakistan for too long and doesn't talk to her for their marriage isn't working out. But they didn't say that they are divorced, but my husband told me recently that he divorced her and even swor e on the children's lives and even touched the Quran. The way his parents behaved to me, I can say they don't like me and can't even accept me,when my husband came he just waited in his car and his dad told me to go outside and sort it out with my husband what need to be sorted out.
It shows that they dont want to get involved but I thought as a parents they should sit to us and try to help us to sort out things. My husband just dropped me at home and left, he didnt say any words and now he's stopped texting me, calling me and doesn't reply to my text. I'm so depressed and I don't know what I have to do. I couldn't sleep nor eat but I still keep praying.
I started wearing hijab and do pray 5x since I got married with my husband. I am Muslim born but grew up with the Chinese family, my dad is Chinese but my mum is Muslim. So I don't practice Islam that much. But now alhamdulillah I start doing what the Islam women should do. I love my husband and told him not to turn his back on us and I don't mind to wait even till we grow old.
I want a family, I have a lot of trauma in my life. Help me what I have to do. I'm alone with two kids with me. My mum live bit far from me and see me just twice a month. I don't have any family here. No-one I can talk to. Why my husband so heartless? Whenever I need a comfort, he never there for me. I'm not materialistic, I don't need his money either but all I want is love and for him to spend time with me. Did I make a wrong decision when I see his family and tell them everything? Because after that my husband stop textng me and calling me.
Please I'm really depressed and dying for your advice. Is there any surrah that I can pray? I do read the surah az-zumar to increase the love between husband and wife but I think it's only me who is loving him more each day. Before our marriage, I ask to Allah for a sign and dream that we both wear a full white clothes. I want to ask as well, I'm not that pious but I do try to be a good muslim and follow my religion.
Last 3rd of september this year. It's friday around 4:30am, its fajar I think, I was really sleepy but couldn't do the fasting for I am breastfeeding. I was about to sleep after reciting surah kafirun 100x when I saw a very bright light in front of me. I get scared though for never I saw like that before but at the backof my mind I'm thinking could it be a laylatul qadr, but maybe not for I am not a pious one.
Allahualam..hope you can give me advice my brothers and sister
i post this two months ago and badly waiting for advice but unfortunately until now, no one tried giving me advice..
- ysrah
10 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. Is there not a major legal issue here though? In the UK (where I understand you and he are living??) he can not legally have married you if still married to someone else? There is a strong chance that by UK law your marriage is void and he could be fined or even given a jail sentance. Unless Nikhah is not a legal marriage?
Your husband sounds like a bit of a coward who only wants to run away from his responsabilities. If he helped create a life then he should be supporting it.
To ask you to wait 20 years, it sounds like he's making unreasonable requests in the hope that you tell him to go away.
You seem like a really nice person who is hopelessly in love with a man who refuses to make a commitment to you.
I don't think you did the wrong thing in going to his family, you deserve support and they deserve to know that they have a grandson. It will have been a shock to them though.
I hope it works out for you but I think you need to find some strength within yourself otherwise you will constantly be looking to others for support. You have 2 children relying on you, be strong.
I'm sorry but I can't offer advice on the religious side of things but I really hope you find it within yourself to deal with this unfortunate situation xx
La Hawla Wala Quwwata illa Billah (there is no change nor power except in Allah)
Also if your not going to give advice based on the Islamic texts Quran and Sunnah then it is not wise to give it. Meaning know disrespect to you but Allah and His Messenger know's best and any problem that we have as people is already addressed in the Islamic texts with a solution so our opinions are completely unnecessary. As Salaamu Alaykom dear sister.
I'm really sorry to learn of your plight.
It breaks my heart to hear stories like these. Your desire for a happy, nurturing family is entirely legitimate.
I feel terrible over how only one person has cared to comment on this tradgedy. You seem like a very sincere person. Perhaps no one wants to tell you the obvious, but it ought to be said.
This man doesn't deserve you, and you do not deserve to be abused by him anymore. I am unfamiliar with uk laws, but I'm guessing he needs to support you financially with regards to the child BY LAW. I recommend that you take legal action to recover any and all money outstanding from this abuser. I understand that you love him, but his behaviour towards you is abusive to say the least. His parents haven't the backbone to relate to your situation, and their son obviously hasn't either. Look after yourself, and expect nothing from this man or his family. They are not part of humanity as you and I understand it.
He doesn't care for you, or the child, this much is obvious. It matters not what you do. This man will not be able to nurture a healthy relationship with you, with God or himself. There will only be more of the same when you look to him. This individual is one amongst all too many like this, and he will not aquire the level of humane qualities required to build a healthy relationship with you and your children anytime soon. Most likely never.
There is nothing wrong with having told his parents about your situation. Under the circumstances, it was a very understandable way to try and find relief from his blatant abuse of you, and the child.
It makes me feel irrate when I hear the way these guys get around with the emotional maturity of five year olds. If at all possible, get over your emotional attachment to this looser, find legal assistance, and hit him as hard as you can, with everything you can throw at him. (legally)
It is not for me to say, but I will be very surprised if Islam holds any remidy to your predicament. Western converts aside, muslim guys from abroad, living in the UK have a rather unfortunate reputation with regards to their attitudes towards women. Though I'm sure there are decent ones out there.
I feel for you. I am apalled at the ruthless behaviour of men towards women, that runs rampant within the Islamic communities, where women born into Islam are under obligation to find love from amongst muslim men only, and too many of them being like this one.
Are you a Muslim?
Hi Lars,
I agree that there are unfortunately lots of cases of muslim men behaving appallingly all over the world. Its not just the men unfortunately - there are a lot of problems with the family side of things i.e family honour etc. I do feel your frustration with a lot of these problems with society, and it bothers me a lot to hear these stories, but its important to remember that what these people do is not a reflection on the religion.
Essentially these problems all arise from culture. Men doing what they want - culture. Forced marriages - culture. Don't judge a religion based on the people - learn from the books (in case of Islam - qur'an and sunnah,) as unfortunately there are a lot of muslims not following islam properly. The Prophet SAW stressed the importance of fulfilling your spouses rights. There is always a solution in our deen - we just often need the strenght to carry it out.
Apart from the remedy thing, I agree with everything else!
As Salaamu Alaykom
Allah says in the Quran:
1. Alif Lam Mim.
2. Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe,"
and that they will not be tested?
3. We did test those before them,
and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false.
4. Do those who practice evil think that they will get the better of us?
Evil is their judgment
so know that this life is a test and that you are being tested and it may be that Allah loves you that's why He is testing you. Also know that Allah is Just. He knows that you can handle evrything that is happening. He will not test you beyond what you can bear. Allah says in the Quran to be patient and pray and Prophet Muhammad would pray in times of difficulty.
Also Allah says in the Quran in Sura Rahman verse 60 "Is their any reward for good other then good"
So if you do good deeds according to the Quran and authentic Sunnah Allah will give you good His word is true.
Also Allah says in the Quran:
"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (the Quran 2:216)
So everything that is happening is actually good for you. Because think about it if these events hadn't happened would you have started to practice Islam more? Everything that has happened has brought you closer to Allah so it was better for you.
You are my sister and I love you for Allah's sake may He rectify everything for you, may He strengthen you, mat He have mercy on you, May He make your children righteous and pious, may He give you all the good in this life and the hereafter.
And know that you should choose your husband according to the Quran and Sunnah that way you will be successful. Because Allah and His Messenger knows best and we don't .As Salaamu Alaykom
sukran my brother..ur comment really make me cry..alhamdulillah..i should be grateful that god gave me this kind of trials..as wat u have said,this trials makes me more closer to Allah..my husband abandoned and divorced me..and ner want to do anything to his kid,same with his family..im leaving everything to Allah..alhamdulillah,i am wearing niqab now..and trying my best to be a good muslima as i can..thanks again brother
Alhamdulillah sister all praise and thanks be to Allah and all the mistakes belong to me except as He wills. But yes the trials are from Allah and He knows you can deal with Him, And you worship Him alone and nothing else so know that because of that He loves you. And also it could be that Allah will soon change everything for you and give you many blessings that you will be delighted by as He is the best to His slaves. So I advise you to be steadfast in your prayers in their fixed stated times and be patient. Also try to pray tahajjud. Find out what time fajr comes in and try to pray at least one hour before that. This prayer is the best prayer after the obligatory prayers in this prayer it is the best time to ask Allah for something so take advantage of that InshAllah. here is a link about this prayer
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?id=1241
It is really unfortunate that..although the Rasool (S.A) has taught men through his actions how to treat one's wife in the best of ways..men of today upholds and portrays no respect for this. The Rasool (s.a) said "the best of you is he who is best to his wife". Subhan Allah! I wish men were more spiritual in fulfilling their duties towards their family properly, if for no other reason , then atleast only for the pleasure of Allah!
Ysrah I feel for you! But know that whatever happened to you was not of a result of your doing! It was all in your destiny! And who knows better and have better plans for us than Allah! You are special. Something spectacular is being planned for you. A pencil goes through a sharpener so that its worth is increased and it becomes useful. Our trials shapes us! Keep the faith! Be positive and continue living! Allah will reward you for your patience.
To all you men out there who thinks Nikah and religion is a JOKE , you need FEAR a God that will call you to account one day! Fear that day! Women are not toys..nor are their emotions an amusement! Treat them with the respect and love that they ought to be treated with... as the Rasool (s.a) taught and enforced.
You were made man for a reason. I just hope that you realize it before its too late.
Salam Everyone,
I feel deeply for you sister. My life is in the same position as yours. My husband lied to me also that he is still married and has a son. I am in the U.S and according to the U.S law my marriage is not valid because he is not divorced from his first wife but my marriage was done in the religious was ( Nikha and all).
At this point I am lost as you are, I can put him in trouble for fraud in the U.S law but I am not going to after all he is my husband and I will be a better spouse in this relationship then he is.
Sister, few peoples commented on patience and I agree that Allah tries our patience and our faith. And it is true for the first time in my life I am desperate to be a better Muslim.
I pray to Allah that you find peace in your heart and stay strong. Allah is Just and He will show us mercy. Ameen