My husband neglects me searching for a third wife
Can polygamy work successfully?
Salaam.
I am the 2nd wife with 3 beautiful kids mashALLAH. Our marrige is happy until one day my husband told me wanted to get married again. Now he always on the phone on windows live messenger with some sisters in Morocco. What is hurting me is that he is chatting most of times. Times he normaly take a rest he uses it on the phone. Plays time with kids outside become his favourite to be free chatting on the phone. One day i woke up for fajr time & found him typing on the phone. Weekly shopping when he normaly help me pushing the trolley he prefers staying in the car for chatting. I feel being neglected by him. I really do not know what to do. I´m not from the country where I live now (I follow husband since we married). To go back to my family with kids is not easy due to kids citizens. But I don't want to stay here either as no family.
I feel frustated...
Farida
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As salamu alaykum sister Farida,
This is my personal opinion based on the information you have given us.
Thank you for sharing, there is a deep lack of communication between your husband and you, have you tried to tell him that you feel abandoned? that his behaviour is interfering in your marriage? Do you still love him? Have you tried to make him closer to you?
It seems to me that he is bored and trying to have fun outside, I don´t think this is a fare situation and must be very hurtful but I would like you to try your best before thinking on seperate, you have three kids to think about, Alhamdulillah.
You may need to begin to conquer him, little by little, I know that having three kids, won´t be easy to have time to spend alone with your husband but you may need to think about it, you need to increase your level of intimacy and make him fall in love with you again, insha´Allah.
This is in the case you want to fight for your marriage, I would advice you to to perform Istikhara to seek for Allah´s(swt) guidance in your situation, you will find a link on the top of the page where you can all you need to know to do it, insha´Allah.
Please, keep performing your salat and praying, this is a test, seek for Allah(swt) Guidance and Help, He(swt) is All-Knower, Alhamdulillah.
Barak Allah Feekum.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support for all of you,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Farida, your husband's behavior is insensitive, un-Islamic and hurtful. He has a right to seek another wife if he chooses, but he should do it for the right reasons, and in a way that is not hurtful and disrespectful to you. To be up all night texting other women, and ignoring you, and sitting in the car instead of shopping with you... SubhanAllah, this guy sounds like a jerk, I'm sorry to say. He needs a serious wake up call.
Have you asked him why he wants another wife? Why are two not enough for him? Is he willing to jeopardize his current two marriages to find another?
You need to lay down the law with him and tell him that you will not accept being humiliated and disrespected in this way.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Sister,
This happens when a person is inspired by Shaytaan. To cure this, you have to make him read, hear what Allah says.
He says in Surah Al Ma'arij:
26. And those who believe in the Day of Judgment,
27. And those who are fearful of their Lord's doom
28. Lo! the doom of their Lord is that before which none can feel secure
29. And those who preserve their chastity
30. Save with their wives and those whom their right hands possess, for thus they are not blameworthy;
31. But whoso seeketh more than that, those are they who are transgressors;
Surah Al Maidah:
86. But those who disbelieve and deny Our revelations, they are owners of hell fire.
87. O ye who believe! Forbid not the good things which Allah hath made lawful for you, and transgress not. Lo! Allah loveth not transgressors.
Surah Al An'am:
(119)...But lo! many are led astray by their own lusts through ignorance. Lo! thy Lord, He is best aware of the transgressors.
120. Forsake the outwardness of sin and the inwardness thereof. Lo! those who garner sin will be awarded that which they have earned.
Further to this, tell him that what he is doing is against Allah's command and the one's from Morroco who talk to him, are also acting in hypocrisy as Islam forbids fliratious talks with non mahram women and is nothing but hypocrisy if a believer does it.
Ask him to seek forgiveness of Allah and make him read this ayat of Surah Tauba:
67. The hypocrites, both men and women, proceed one from another. They enjoin the wrong, and they forbid the right, and they withhold their hands (from spending for the cause of Allah). They forget Allah, so He hath forgotten them. Lo! the hypocrites, they are the transgressors.
68. Allah promiseth the hypocrites, both men and women, and the disbelievers fire of hell for their abode. It will suffice them. Allah curseth them, and theirs is lasting torment.
Tell him, Allah is stern in punishment and if he does not stop, it may happen that he may recieve some punishment from Allah. So warn sister, warn by the Qur'an him who is wont to transgression.
Surah Qaf: (45)...But warn by the Qur’an him who feareth My threat.
May Allah make him heed to the warnings and get things back on track.
Make du'aa to Allah and seek His help. We also pray for you.
Dear Sister,
Ask your husband to sit down and talk with him and tell him about your feelings and just what he is doing to you emotionally. Maybe he is not aware of how his actions are deeply affecting you or, maybe he just doesn't care. Either way, talk to him and let him know how you feel and the hurt he is causing by his actions.
Salam
Jazakumullah khoyr for all respons and attention to my post. I just found all respons and my husband has been married to the third wife since beginning of April. When i'm writting this he has been there (in Morocco) for a week with his wife for the 2nd time since they get married.
I know this is qadr for him & a test for me, eventhough until now it's very hard to understand his decission.
I want to underline the questions of why he did this. His marriage with his first wife is very bad, before he get married he told me that he wanted to get married again to compensate his relationship with his first wife. But i stressed him that this marriage will affect me & kids a lot. He kept saying nothing would change but the fact that i've lost so much time with him especially for the children.
Brothers & sisters, he has kidney problem so that he needs to do dialysis 3 times a week. Because of this he can't work. We have rizk from government support because of his illness. This is what i concerned as well about him getting married again but it seemed there's no problem whatsoever fro him.
I want to be a good wife for him. I did everything he asked me to do to make him happy to be my wife. From i wake up in the morning until i go back to bed i do all my duty as a wife by myself. I educate my children at home because he doesn't want them to go to kuffar school but to send them to islamic school we can't afford it. Honestly it's hard to me, with 3 young kids, no help, no family, & now he has another responsibility to see his new wife every 2-3 months leaving me & children with no mahram...
Allahu musta'an...