My Husband Parties Like a Single Man
Hi
I am a Pakistani British born Muslim woman. I am married to a Turkish Muslim man; we have one child aged 21 months. I have a few dilemmas with my marriage at the moment. We have been married for 3 years and have had problems since the beginning. He drinks when it suits him, goes out with his friends (sometimes not coming home until 6am in the morning), smokes marijuana every day (sometimes 3-4 times a day), and now I understand from looking at his phone he has been asking people for Speed.
I work full time, pray as much as possible and look after our child. I do not go out, do my wifely duties but am finding it very hard to continue. He doesn’t talk to me, we rarely have a decent conversation, and he thinks I am stopping him from being himself because I don’t agree with his habits.
What can I do? I pray and ask Allah for help every day, but he has not changed. I don’t feel he is committed to me and my child. His priorities are being with his friends. He recently lost his job due to anger issues that he displays; he is like that at home also. If he doesn’t agree, he will be very aggressive, damaging things within the home.
I don’t want my child to grow up in the environment.
He says I am to blame for his habits, but I don’t understand what I am doing wrong? I think he is bored, always saying he wants to go back to Turkey (where I believe he was freer to be himself).
Please advise.
Entries(RSS)
Aslamoalaikum! If he is no more intrestead in living with u and want to go back u let him go n ask him to leave u n treat him as he does. Leave rest of your things to Allah n please say daroodsharef as much as u can n stop noticing him untill he notice your lonliness. INSHALLAH evrything will b better.
Salaams,
I can tell that the relationship is causing you a lot of turmoil. Unfortunately, when a spouse is using substances it causes a lot of pain to those closest. One thing I can tell you for sure: you did NOT cause his problems. As you alluded, he was probably engaging in these type of habits before he married you. Blame is a common feature in addicts, and the worst thing you can do is internalize the blame he is casting toward you...because it is simply NOT true.
Another unfortunate fact is that when people are drinking and abusing drugs, the hope of their recovery lies only in their sheer motivation to overcome those strongholds. It sounds to me that he is not even close to entertaining the idea of living a sober life, and as long as he is continuing on this path it is going to damage your marriage and his relationship with his child.
I don't think many would blame you if you decided to cut your losses now so that your child and yourself can have a better future. Sometimes spouses of addicts will initiate a temporary separation, with the hope that will motivate him to clean up his behaviors. Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't. One thing is certain, if you continue with him as he is now, you can only expect the same behaviors from him to continue as well. Please know that you are a valuable and precious jewel that has been entrusted to him (as is your child) and he is squandering that. Yes, you and your baby deserve much, much better. Seek refuge in Allah and try to network with the Islamic community in your area to establish a stronger support system as you consider your options and begin planning your response to his choices.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum,
Stopping him from being himself is a typical European ideology when you give good advice you get a reply like this. So do not worry, be patient, Allah is with those who keep patience.
My advice is a revelation of Allah in Surah An Nisaa:
128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.
Read the Qur'an with meanings, Insha Allah it will give you peace and show you a way ahead.
Answers to life's questions lie in it.
Hope the advice helps.
Salaam,
Your brother.