Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband wants another baby

Angry husband, no love, husband turning awaySalam,

I have been married for 7 years and have to beautiful kids , two boys. I have ups and downs with my husband but that's just life.

Last week my husband came up to me with the desire of having another baby. I am currently working and not him ( he is in the process of starting his own business). I don't have any financial worry when thinking about a third baby because i know that Allah is the All Provider. I have always dreamt of three kids too , but not longer. My husband is really lazy and doesn't take care of the kids. Everything is my responsibility and cannot take it anymore. Like i don´t think like western people that it should be 50-50 but i would really like him to be more active etc... I live with my in-laws because of his wish. They are nice to me but cannot/don't help me much. My parents live in another country so there are many factors that make me feel helpless. So therefore, i said to him that i cant afford it. It is way to much struggle for me, mentally and physically. Specially physically as I do Everything. Even cook several days after birth and serve him like routine life.There are small things he could do to ease my life but doesn't.

So as a "punishment" he said he doesn't want any intimacy with me as according to Islam I can not say no to him for a kid. Moreover, he thinks its just like this that its women duty only to take care of kids and that I'm not the only one doing it in this world. Like its not big of a deal.

There are lots of things that i do too for him which are not compulsory either for me to do according to Islam but i just try to be a good wife.

Has anyone known this situation? how to get over it. Divorce is not a possibility for me. Do you thing he is fair/right?

marriam

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4 Responses »

  1. My sympathy to you. I too am raising a son on my own. His father abandoned us when I was pregnant. So I'm completely on my own. But understand you can still be on your own when the fathers around.

    My advice to you, mum-to-mum. Do what is best for you and your children first. He should be helping as a father/husband. All sons need a role model of what a man is whilst growing up. And you need help too.

    Inshallah, he becomes the father your children deserve. And the husband you can rely on. And all the best if you do decide to have another baby 🙂

  2. I would write down what you need to happen for the third kid and ask for it. So for example I would do a calculation like this:

    2 hours towards cooking
    2 hours towards kid A - includes baths, feeding, playing outside, pick up/drop off.
    2 hours towards kid B - includes baths, feeding, playing outside, pick up/drop off.
    10 hours towards work.
    8 hours sleep.

    In order to have the third kid you need 6+ hours initially minimum, lost sleep and you need to not work. Since the duty of provision is on him he should pay for a nanny to support you with this third child if he's not willing to do it himself. And this kid is most likely going to cost you your job so you'll be taking that work on by not going to your job. If you still need support beyond that you need that nanny. And to make sure that it works, do a trial run. Get a nanny or have him take on the extra tasks for three weeks to see how it feels and if it can be managed before having that child. This way once you get pregnant and have limited ability you will know things will be well taken care of.

    In the meantime, withholding intimacy for lack of obeying is unreasonable if his demands are unreasonable. He could ask you to fly to the moon too and say that since you didn't obey him he is in the right and he gets to punish you. So right now I'd say he's wronging himself.

  3. Its not permissible for your husband to withhold intimacy,
    I think you have raised valid points, you said his parents are good to you, if you cannot speak to your husband because he is being unreasonable, could you perhaps speak with his parents and raise your concerns with them?, they may be able to intervene with your husband, and advise him that his behaviour is really quite selfish and not Islamic, as you mentioned you also desire another child, but feel it would be too much of a hardship for you, so its just a case of ensuring you will have a support system in place,

    its seems your husband is falling short in his duties as a husband, he needs to be reminded of his duties, and that the best of us ( Men) are those that are the best to their wives........
    I know a lot of brothers, who post childbirth, really look after their wives, since childbirth and the period post childbirth is such a great difficulty for women, there is no shame in such, in fact their is responsibility, on a humane basis, if anything else, i can definitely have mercy with your situation, yet i think this goes deeper then just your husband not bothering to take care of his children or you for that matter, he is lacking in mercy, and this issue needs to be addressed before another child is brought into the picture, since this will just create a further strain on your marriage, and health.

  4. Assalamualaikum,

    I think you have to be clear to him that you are not happy earning more than what h earns. You want him to be the breadwinner of the family and you want to stop working and look after the kids. Only then you will be ready for a third child.

    You have to make clear to him in a good way that you need him to be more active and take more part in looking after the kids.

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