Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife’s jealousy is stressing me out

Jealousy, the green eyed monster

How to deal with jealousy?

Aslamalaykuum

I recently married a Moroccan-American girl, she is 25 I'm 24. My wife is a very pretty woman. I have a Spanish mother and Moroccan father. My father is a little less conservative compared to many Arab men and my mother is really down to earth.

I grew up in a household which was heavily influenced by Spanish culture due to my mother. At the same time my father did his best to ensure we practiced as Muslims.

I knew my wife from University where we moved in similar circles when she came to study here from the US. We knew of each other and spoke from time to time as there were many students with Moroccan background so we had something in common.

Fast forward to a few years later she and the rest of her family decided to settle in the UK. Just over a year ago we happen to see each other again at a charity event. Her father also attended the event and she introduced me to him. We spoke and he asked me about my family. I told him about my father and it turned out he knew him.

When I spoke to my father about him he said yes he remembered him from their small neighbourhood in Morocco. They got back in touch and naturally our families started interacting a lot. My father advised me to ask for my wife's hand as he could see that things would develop between us.

My wife was extremely happy that her father said yes as she was afraid he would say no since I am not full Moroccan/Arab despite being a Muslim. My father-in-law gave permission without any doubt since he already knew my father/his family and he liked me.

We have only been married about a year and things are good. We are deeply in love. We have a very intimate/close relationship e.g kissing, hugging, holding hands (in private). However my wife is very jealous. We have a lot of heated arguments about it.

I work for a Spanish business firm. The job is very demanding and I have to make myself available most of the time. The majority of the people that work there are women. I often have to speak with my colleagues on the phone and this is often in Spanish. My wife speaks perfect English, Arabic and a bit of French. We communicate in English. My wife often feels jealous when I receive a call. She has a very sharp tongue. She  makes snide remarks like 'you would think she's your wife by the way you talk to her' or 'habibi, maybe you should marry your job'.

I explained it's because she doesn't understand what I am saying and Spanish is one of those languages that can be perceived to be romantic even when you're not discussing anything as such.

I admit I am friendly that's in my nature and have to be due to my work. Plus Spanish people are very expressive. I have tried to tone it down to please her and because I am a married man but I would never say I have flirted or crossed the line. I even suggested that she should do a course in Spanish so she has a bit of understanding when she hears it.

A few weeks ago her mother organised a little family gathering/dinner. A conversation cropped up about marriage and my brother-in-law joked that I wouldn't be short of suitors if I wanted a second wife. She snapped at him and said 'over my dead body!' Everybody thought she over reacted. I laughed since my brother-in-law is a very funny guy. He is only 19 so maybe he didn't realize it wasn't the best joke to make. My wife and I had a major argument about it in the car and once we got home. She cried a lot thinking I am not taking her feelings seriously.

When I tried to tell her that the jealousy is stressing me out her answer is that she simply loves me and can't help being a bit possessive and that I can be jealous too but I don't show it the way she does.  I understand that but I kind of want her to relax a little bit. She says she is happy.

I once over heard her complaining to her mother about the attention that I get and her mother telling her that she can't wrap me in cotton wool and that 'other women are going to look at him, he is a handsome man, there's nothing you can do about it you have to learn'.  But she thinks I'm being inconsiderate.

I am beginning to think we have a bit of a culture clash. I sought advice from my father and he tries  to calm me down saying  it is because she's a Moroccan woman in love with a Spanish man so its bound to be a tense mix and I shouldn't worry its a new marriage. But I am worried because the jealousy is starting to put me off.  It can get very draining for me to the point that sometimes I'm not as attentive and loving because I'm trying to avoid an argument. Last night she initiated for us to make love and I almost lied by saying I'm tired but I knew it would be wrong for me to do that and this kind of rejection would kill her as we've never denied each other intimacy.

I am due to fly out to Spain in a few months to attend business conferences and other duties. I have to be out there for almost four weeks. I haven't told my wife yet because of this whole delicate situation. I just want to clarify that even though she is stubborn my wife is a really sweet and caring person. Everyday I pray that everything will be alright and this doesn't tear us apart in the long term.

I'm stressed out. What can I do?

- Jamal

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43 Responses »

  1. Salamunalaikum
    Just a suggestion

    Take her with you on the trip. Even if you are unable to spend time with her. The gesture will have a good trust building impact.

    Regards
    Saqib

  2. Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

    May Allah bless you both.

    Your wife may be having protective jealously towards you, that is why she may not like that, you talk with other women. Allah knows best

    Firstly, You need to learn about the etiquette to speak with non mahram women

    Speaking to non-mahram women may occur because of a need or it may occur needlessly.

    If it is done needlessly and only for fun and enjoyment, then there is no doubt that it is haraam and comes under the heading of the zina of the tongue and ears of which

    the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) spoke when he said:
    “The son of Adam’s share of zina has been decreed for him, which he will inevitably get. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the ears is listening, the zina of the tongue is speaking, the zina of the hands is touching, and the zina of the foot is walking. The heart longs and wishes, and the private part confirms that or denies it.”
    Narrated by Muslim, 2657.

    When there is a need to speak to a woman, the basic principle is that it is permissible, but it is essential to pay attention to the following etiquette:

    -1- The conversation should be limited to only what is necessary and has to do with the matter at hand, without talking too much or branching off into other topics.
    Think about the etiquette of the Sahaabah (may Allah be pleased with them) and compare it with the way things are today.

    The Mother of the Believers ‘Aa’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) narrated the story of the slander (al-ifk) that the hypocrites accused her of; in her hadeeth she (may Allah be pleased with her) said:
    Safwaan ibn al-Mu‘attal al-Sulami al-Dhakwaani was behind the army and had set out at the end of night. In the morning he reached the place where I was and he saw the shape of a person sleeping. He recognized me when he saw me, as he used to see me before the hijab was enjoined. I woke up when I heard him saying Inna Lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon (Verily to Allaah we belong and verily unto Him is our return) when he recognized me, and I covered my face with my jilbab. By Allah, we did not exchange a word and I did not hear any word from him apart from his saying Inna Lillaahi… He made his camel kneel down and put his foot on its foreleg (to keep it steady), then I mounted it, and he set off, leading me on the mount, until we came to the army.
    Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4141 and Muslim, 2770.

    Al-‘Iraaqi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: The phrase “and I did not hear any word from him” is not repeating the previous idea (“we did not exchange a word”). It is possible that he did not speak to her; rather he spoke to himself or he recited Qur’aan out loud or said dhikr out loud such that it could be heard. But none of that happened. He did not speak to her; rather he used silence in that situation out of good manners and politeness, and because of the seriousness of the situation in which he found himself.

    This hadeeth also shows good manners with non-mahram women, especially in the case of being alone with them out of necessity in the wilderness or elsewhere, as Safwaan did when he made his camel kneel without speaking or asking questions. End quote.
    Tarh at-Tathreeb, 8/53

    -2- Avoiding joking and laughing; that is not part of etiquette and dignity.

    -3- Avoiding staring and always trying hard to lower the gaze as much as possible; if there is a quick glance for the purpose of speaking, there is nothing wrong with that, in sha Allah.

    -4- Not softening the voice, by either party, or choosing soft words; rather they should speak is the same, ordinary tone of voice as they would speak to anyone else.

    Allah, may He be exalted, says, addressing the Mothers of the Believers (interpretation of the meaning): “then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery, etc.) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner” [al-Ahzaab 33:32].

    -5- Avoiding the use of any words that may have some suggestive meanings, and so on.

    -6- Not going to extremes in embellishing one’s speech . Some people use their skills in communication with others by movements of the hand or face or by quoting poetry or proverbs or romantic phrases.
    This is a means that the Shaytaan uses to open the door to haraam attraction between the sexes.

    Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
    None of the poets see anything wrong with talking to, addressing or looking at non-mahram women, but this is contrary to Islam and common sense, and it is exposing oneself to temptation. How many people have been affected in this way with regard to their religious commitment and worldly affairs. End quote.
    Rawdat al-Muhibbeen, p. 88
    _____________________

    Secondly,

    Read this Ruling on talking to women at work

    Sometimes I have to talk to some of the women [at work] and discuss with them some issues that have to do with work. Is there any sin on me for that? Is it permissible for me to work in this company or should I look for another job?.

    Praise be to Allaah.
    There can be no doubt that the fitnah (temptation) of women is great. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “I have not left behind me any fitnah that is more harmful to men than women.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4808; Muslim, 2704. Hence the Muslim has to be cautious of this fitnah and keep away from anything that may cause him to fall prey to it. Some of the greatest causes of this fitnah are looking at women and mixing with them.

    Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allaah is All‑Aware of what they do.

    And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like both eyes for necessity to see the way, or outer palms of hands or one eye or dress like veil, gloves, headcover, apron), and to draw their veils all over Juyoobihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s sons, or their (Muslim) women (i.e. their sisters in Islam), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old male servants who lack vigour, or small children who have no sense of feminine sex. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful”

    [al-Noor 24:30-31]

    Here Allaah commands His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to tell the believing men and women to lower their gaze and guard their chastity, then He explains that that is purer for them.

    It is known that guarding one’s chastity and avoiding immoral actions is achieved only by avoiding the means that lead to such actions. Undoubtedly letting one’s gaze wander and mixing of men and women in the workplace and elsewhere are among the greatest means that lead to immorality.

    These two things that are required of the believer cannot be fulfilled when he is working with non-mahram women as colleagues or partners at work.

    Undoubtedly his working with her or her working with him in the work place is a situation in which it is impossible to lower one’s gaze and guard one's chastity and attain purity of soul.

    Hence Allaah commanded the believing women to lower their gaze, guard their chastity and not show their adornment except only that which is apparent, and Allaah commanded them to draw their veils all over Juyoobihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms), which implies covering the head and face, because the jayb (pl. juyoob) is the site of the head and face.

    So how can one lower one’s gaze, guard one’s chastity and avoid showing one’s adornment when women go to men’s workplaces and mix with them? Mixing will inevitably lead to falling into these haraam actions.

    How can the Muslim woman lower her gaze when she is with a non-mahram man all the time, claiming that he is her work colleague and she is his equal with regard to work.

    Khatr Mushaarikat al-Mar’ah li’l-Rajul fi Maydaan ‘Amalihi.

    Conclusion:

    If your work involves continually looking at and mixing with women, we advise you to leave this job and look for another, or to move to another department in the same company where there are no women.

    If your work does not involve continually looking at and mixing with women, rather it only happens sometimes in an area other than the place where you work, then there is nothing wrong with staying in the job, so long as you lower your gaze and do the parts of your job that involve contact with women in the shortest possible time, and keep away from the causes of fitnah as much as possible.

    We ask Allaah to help us to avoid fitnah (temptation, both obvious and hidden.

    And Allaah knows best.

    _______________________________________

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • Thank you brother.

      It does involve working with women as well as men. But certain aspects will require me to communicate with women as they are more likely to be in specific roles/have certain responsibilities within the company.

  3. Salaam,

    I am in the same situation as your wife.

    My husband is the most good looking man you will ever see. He is incredibly intelligent, charming, caring..the list is endless! My heart starts pounding and he takes my breath away even now after being married for 3 years. He is perfection..and I know ppl say perfection doesn't exist but I have found it in him...if god had allowed for a wife to bow down infront of her husband then thats what I would be doing right now...that's enough about him:)

    Anyway, I have heart attacks all the time when I think about him being out and about and women looking at him..cuz unless they are blind,..they are gona find him good looking..are gona stare..its difficult for me to deal with so I can understand what your wife must go through...

    One thing to be thankful for...atleast you know she cares about you and loves you...you wouldn't like it if she wasn't bothered..and wasn't a lil jealous...it shows she cares. So consider yourself lucky.

    I personally keep my feelings to myself...even though he knows I am obsessed with him..I try and control what I say and do..

    What you can do is reassure her...not just once...women need constant reassurance..that the man they are with is just theirs. Make an effort...when around other women with your wife...ignore them...don't acknowledge their existence...this will help her...Maybe not going out wearing anything that attracts unneccessary attention..that will help...and just talking to her...being open about how her acting this way is affecting you and that you don't want to lose what you both have because of this.

    Good luck

    M

    • BarakAllahu feek.
      ____________________

      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Unfortunately, working in mixed environments is becoming less and less avoidable in many places, so it is extremely important for us all to remember how to interact appropriately with other people, and to remember that different people will have different thresholds at which they feel uncomfortable. We need to adapt our communications so that we respect each other and our faith. Ensure that your interactions are always professional and acceptable. A useful exercise might be to imagine that your mother is standing next to you, watching and listening to the conversation - how would she feel about your behaviour? If you would not say or behave in a certain way in front of your mother, you definitely shouldn't be doing it in front of Allah.

    Your work seems very important to you, and I can very much understand that, as I'm very committed to my work as well, but now that you're married, you may need to re-organise your priorities. If your wife is unhappy and feeling rejected because of your commitment to your job, it is likely to cause problems for your relationship. It might be helpful to sit down with your wife and discuss what changes could be made - for example, you could have a cutoff time after which you do not take work calls.

    Some of your wife's actions suggest that she may feel insecure in light of some of the things that have been happening. If you work to improve communication between you both, and compromise on a few things, inshaAllah she should start to feel more assured of your affections.

    With regards the business trip, it might be more beneficial to your marriage if you could delegate it to a colleague if possible. If it's essential that you go, would you be able to take her with you? I would strongly advise discussing it with your wife well in advance, and asking her opinion (and respecting her feelings).

    May Allah guide you and your wife through this and help you both stay on the straight path.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Thank you brother.

      I am a one of the managers at the workplace that is why I often have to make myself available. I have decided to finish early and do certain works from home and finish before she gets back. She is unable to travel with me as she also has a full time job. I will definitely inform her of the traveling way before time. Its just that right now is not a good time. We're having a lot of arguments which I see as petty but for her its major.

  5. Brother,

    You and your wife are both young from where I sit. In regards to your background and that of your wife, I don't believe you have to be of any particular nationality or color to have a jealous streak. We are all human and I know from my own personal life experiences when I was young many moons ago, how jealous a woman can be.

    I believe with maturity, if one is confident in themselves and possess good self esteem...jealousy becomes something that dissipates over time. My husband works with many woman and as his wife, I know he knows his boundaries. He is professional and nothing less. Besides, I realized something long ago...women may look all they want but the reality is, my husband chose to be with me, not anyone else. Let your wife know how much she means to you and if you didn't want to be with her, you wouldn't have married her in the first place.

    As for that business trip coming up, inform your wife of your travel plans and even ask her if there is something she would like from the place you will be traveling to. You needn't take her in order so that she can feel secure. I think a little space away from one another from time to time is healthy within a marriage. You will both appreciate one another more in the long run. You can always bring a little gift for her on your return to show how much you love and appreciate her (we women love things like that). May you and your beautiful wife enjoy many years of happiness and the joys that come with being married.

    Salam

    • Thank you sister.

      I am professional at all times she knows I am. I understand it is not necessarily our backgrounds my Dad was trying to make light of the situation because some Moroccan women can be feisty. I have turned down a couple of opportunities because she would not be happy if I took them. I do show her that I care as much as possible. I buy flowers, chocolate, jewellery etc. She likes Spanish food so I cook for her when I am free. Male members in her family even mock me because I am 'weak' apparently for doing this. We have a loving relationship when we're not arguing. I agree that we might need to give each other a little space but I don't want to make it seem like I don't want to be around her so I have to wait for the right moment to suggest that maybe she should go see her sister for a few days or something. She's noticed that I'm a bit distant sometimes so she says things to get a reaction out of me. I know that women can be jealous but its starting to put me off. I can't tell her the latter it would hurt her and then it would escalate.

      • Brother,

        My husband loves to cook for me and in fact, he makes my breakfast every single weekend. A man who can work his way around a kitchen is anything but weak...he is an asset in my book!

        If your wife's jealousy is starting to put you off, why not sit down and talk to her about it? Maybe she isn't aware of how much it is affecting you. I mean...after all, that is why problems tend to fester and get worse because we just tend to keep how we feel on the inside. Then, when things build up...we explode and then it all comes out.

        Just keep it real. Be loving and kind and just ask her to sit down with you. Let her know that as much as you love her, the jealousy is killing you. Ask her to try for your sake and to just reign it in a bit. Reaffirm how much you love her and just continue doing what you do. Your wife is one lucky lady to have someone like yourself who is thoughtful and caring as to how she feels. Just work on things together and you will both be fine Inshallah.

        Salam

        • Thank you sister.

          I have tired to explain to her many times but we end up arguing. Maybe I've been going the wrong way about it. She is extremely sensitive to things I say so I am waiting for the right moment and trying to find the right tone. Like you said I'm going to end up snapping and saying something worse to her.

        • Najah ,

          Was your husband cooking for his mother too to make her life easy ?
          People doing it for wife but not for mother are called as weak person .

      • Ask her to attach her heart to Allahsubhana'wa'ta'ala and help her and make dua for her. I am w second wife and my co-wife is Moroccan and my husband is like you. Very nice humble man. It's been three years and she hasn't accepted the situation and very feisty Moroccan Women Lawl I feel sorry for your wife. The only reasons she can survive this storm is by getting close to Allahsubhana'wa'ta'ala and being patient... May Allah grant her sabr and you to have sabr with her ... Show her Hadith and prophets wives examples how they used to be jealous. What did they do to help. Etc

        May Allah bless you Botha be your marriage. Amen

  6. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    Make dua to get out of this situation. Ask Allah's forgiveness for all your sins so this difficulty is removed.

    You need to take your wife's feelings into account. You should not be talking in a manner in which it seems you are too free with other women.

    Be very good to your wife and try to forgive her jealousy.

    When you talk on your phone try to make it seem like you are being matter of fact, do not smile, and keep the conversation brief.

    Complement her a lot on her features and how you find her attractive.

    Allah created humans differently. Some are jealous, others are permissive, some are friendly, others are rough.

    "My wife and I had a major argument about it in the car and once we got home. She cried a lot thinking I am not taking her feelings seriously."

    Yes, that is women for you, deal with it.

    • "My wife and I had a major argument about it in the car and once we got home. She cried a lot thinking I am not taking her feelings seriously."

      Yes, that is women for you, deal with it

      LOL. i hate to admit you are very correct.:-) eventhough we try to act tough.

  7. Salam,

    I loved reading your story. I used to be like your wife. I was very jealous over my husband, especially when he traveled and saw the world, while I was at home dealing with kids, home, cleaning, more kids, more cleaning, homework,etc.. Everything you described about your wife is typical of some women. So this is what you need to do....take her with you on your trips (sounds like y'all have no kids, so try taking her with you). Buy her flowers, candies and shower your attention on her. Make her feel special and whisper sweet nothing's in her ear. Say it in Spanish if you have to. Because Spanish is such a sweet sounding romantic language. I too speak arabic arabic and its wonderful to use with your spouse. Arabic is a very deep language with strong meaning, especially when one is talking romance. Also send her texts, emails, and leave voice mails for her when you're away. Skype when you travel. I mean Skype a lot when you're abroad! I go crazy when my husband doesn't call me when he boards the plane, he arrives, and when he goes to the hotel. Keep in touch with her wherever you are. Then she'll slowly calm down. She'll gain self confidence and slowly let go of those thoughts that she has in her head. And that's what she has in her head, just thoughts (or could be was wass el shaytan).

    However, I do agree that men have to be extremely professional in their matter of speech when it comes to speaking to non Mahrem women. Keeping phone calls and meetings short and to the point is a must in dealing with women other than Mahrem. No matter what language you're speaking, keep it business like.

    Women have that jealous nature to them. It is part of what makes a woman a woman.

    Inshallah things will get better. Just be patient and understand her side of the situation. We too are affected by our hormones more than men. So pleas keep all these points in mind.

    May Allah bless y'all's marriage with love and many children, inshallah

    As Salam alaykoum

    • @Lisa -

      The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Let not any one of you say, ‘O Allaah, forgive me if You will, O Allaah, have mercy on me if You will.’ Let him be resolute in the matter, whilst knowing that no one can compel Allaah to do anything.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim.

      _______________________________________

      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

      • Br. Abdullah...As salam alayk

        What are you referring to exactly in my comment? Clarify if you will

        • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

          He is probably referring to this.

          "May Allah bless y'all's marriage with love and many children, inshallah"

          • Wa alaykoum as Salam

            I think bro Abdullah is the best one to answer his question to me. Second, I hate when people "play semantics" and take the itsy bitty stuff out of proportion. So, I suggest bro Abdullah not to waste his God given time on frivolous things and use his time towards something more beneficial and fruitful......goodness gracious y'all!

            Salam

          • It's actually a pretty good piece of advise. I was actually wondering about this recently and I found that I can't remember a single time in the past where the Messenger of Allah sallahualayhiwasalam or his companions (RA) ever said Allah will do this, inshaa Allah, or may Allah do this, inshaa Allah.

            Yet I notice it among Muslims today.

            As far as I can see, when we make dua, we do it with determination and we say May Allah do this, oh Allah help me, etc.

            http://quran.com/18/23-24

            And never say of anything, "Indeed, I will do that tomorrow,"
            Except [when adding], "If Allah wills." And remember your Lord when you forget [it] and say, "Perhaps my Lord will guide me to what is nearer than this to right conduct."

            So when it is something you or I do we say inshaa Allah but if it is something we want Allah to do, we can say "maybe Allah will", or "may Allah do this" or make dua to him.

        • yes i was referring to "May Allah bless y'all's marriage with love and many children, inshallah"

          and here is a verse on greeting..

          When you are greeted with a greeting, greet in return with what is better than it, or (at least) return it equally. Certainly, Allah is Ever a Careful Account Taker of all things.
          (Quran 4:86).

          I am sorry if you felt, what I did was wrong.

          _________________
          May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • Thank you sister.

      We usually have a loving relationship. She likes expressing how she feels in Arabic, she even tries to teach me so that I can say some things back to her. We haven't got any kids yet, inshalla we will. I know she wants a baby soon. She works like myself so it would almost be impossible to take her with me. But I will definitely buy her gifts.

    • very frustrated woman,
      i can understand ur sentiments but spare some time to read the post and the comments first dear.

  8. maybe she feels that her family adores you and vice versa this is not the case? Maybe she feels a lack of attention and love coming from her family's side and feels you get more attention than her. She might be a little jealous of you as well.

  9. Brother I don't think this is a cultural thing, I just think that it is normal for her to feel this jealousy because she doesn't understand what you are saying when you are speaking Spanish over the phone. Plus as a Muslim man and also a married man you need to keep your distance from these women in your workplace. Your wife doesn't know what you are doing at work so chances are she might be imagining you getting too friendly with these other women and vice versa. You need to keep this professional, it doesn't matter how your culture is on being friendly, etc. if it goes against our religion you need to drop that part of the culture. You need to draw a line and realize that the only women that matters in your life is your wife, mother and family members. At the end of the day you go home to her and it is she who you vowed to share your life with.

    I know it is difficult to stop being friendly because you grew up thinking this is normal but it is not impossible. You will prevent many difficult situations by doing this including the risk of falling in "love" with one of the women who you are being friendly with or have her fall in love with you and causing her pain because you can't be with her because you are already married. Give more attention to your wife and not just by buying her flowers, chocolates, etc. Communicate with her and ask her why she feels so jealous. If she is honest with her, listen to her. Jealousy is a real emotion and even I have suffered greatly from it. It is not a joke and it hurts deeply and sometimes it is strong enough to push the feelings of love out of the heart so be careful not to take her feelings lightly.

    As always pray to Allah to give her ease and happiness and for your ease and happiness too. Only Allah can help you so keep giving dua to him. You seem like a very good husband by the way so just stick with her and soon she will see that her worrying was for nothing and she will soon stop being so jealous. Tell her that she is the only one you want and the only one you will ever want but also show her that she is the only one for you. I hope the best for you, inshallah.

    • Thank you sister.

      I understand what you are saying. I agree that jealousy is not a joke but too much of it can get tiresome for the other person. It can push people away. I don't want this to happen between me and my wife. I can't accept things as they are so I have to be honest about how the situation is stressing me out completely.

      • She clearly cannot accept the 'free" way you talk to other women on the phone and that's really on you. You need to make your tone serious on the phone when talking to other women and when they ask, say "it's because I love and respect my wife."

  10. If I've to see a positive in all this then all I can see is :

    'A jealous wife is a faithful wife. If she doesn't get jealous when someone has your attention, it’s because someone has hers.'

    Talk to her and work it out. I've learnt my lesson when I was jealous or insecure or both and ended up losing my partner. I would say at this junction avoid being impetuous. A moment of patience in a moment of anger can prevent you from a thousand moments of regret.

  11. If I had a wife and she was jealous over me, I would like it......think about how jealous the wives of the prophet were over him sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. You should be jealous over your wife I think...
    assalaam alaykum

  12. I agree with Kamal.

    My husband gets jealous...I cover up and try and dress in a way where I don't get any attention etc...but it still happens..and when my husband gets jealous and overprotective of me..I love it...it shows me how much he loves me.

    I think you've got enough advice now to know what it is that you need to do and what not to do.

    So good luck!

    • Thank you sister. I'm trying to do what I can. I understand and accept that kind of jealousy. But I struggle with the possessive attitude.

      I ended up cancelling the trip as my wife was not happy about it - it was bad timing. We argued for days so I had no choice with the threat of my marriage being in tatters if I had traveled.

      • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

        Women need a lot of patience from men. You need to do your part to accommodate her. Why not take her on the travel?

        As Allah explains in the Quran, maybe you hate something in her but Allah brings out a lot of good from it!

        • I agree I need to be more patient. It's too late to take her on the travel as that has now passed. It is probably for the best that I don't travel for the time being. I know I have faults too so I am very blessed to have her.

  13. Thank you all for your advice and help so far.

  14. I know this is an old article... How is your mariage brother?

    • Sister the marriage is a bit better alllhamudliah. Both of us have time off work soon. It will be the first time for a long time we have spent quality time together. I don't think the emotional jealousy will ever go away I will keep trying. I have been more attentive to her when other people are around. I didn't know this was she wanted because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. It has helped.

      She feels more reassured. My wife turned down a lot of suitors to marry me so I know I am very blessed. She waited for me to ask for her hand for some months. She had a lot of pressure on her for choosing me over a Moroccan/Arab guy. People are a bit surprised when she introduces me as her husband as I look Mediterranean/Spanish in my appearance. She could have made it easy and just said yes to the other suitors. So I don't want to let her down.

      • To J.B

        Can you write an update how is your marriage going? This was written 3 years ago but I have read your comments and i'm curious .
        I hope you and your wife are in peace.
        Currently i am going through the same thing with my fiance . I'm also 24 and extremly jealouse of him. I sound so much like your wife maybe a little worse.
        I am so glad that you have not gone to that trip because that would hurt her even more as it wasn't the right time.
        If you love her that she should be more important than your job/trip. How she feels is very strong and you can do things to help your marriage.

        I really hope you two are in peace and have a beautiful family.

        • All of the comments are very supportive of your wife's behavior but the truth is she sounds like a controlling, manipulative, and quasi-borderline personality.

          Especially watch out for what people accuse you the most of... chances are SHE is the one flirting at work and projecting her guilty conscience onto you.

          Some jealousy, even irrational selfish jealousy may be normal in the beginning of a relationship but after a YEAR of marriage and you are arguing so much over "petty" insecurities?? This is such a red flag for a personality disorder or other deeper problem.

          I wish you the best but it sounds like you married after only a few months of courtship, before getting to really know her. Now you are finding out who she really is instead of the "loving caring" perfect woman you thought you wanted to marry. Jealousy should decrease with time.

          My guess is that after you obey all of her commands, which she does passive aggressively through crying and fits if jealousy, she will stop being as attracted to you.

          If you continue to appease her without asserting your own needs and boundaries she will respect you less. Over time this will kill attraction.

          Sounds like it's not okay with you and you haven't actually done anything wrong so why are you so hard on yourself? Maybe she just needs you to man up and stop bending over backwards for her ridiculous childish nonsense!

  15. Assalamualaikum,

    Hi JB, would like to seek your advise on how it is working out for you now? Did you manage to resolve the issue? If yes, please do share and appreciate a word of advise as well

    Thanks

  16. My brother take her with you whenever you can to meet your work mates

  17. Hi JB, its 2019 now. How is your marriage going? I would be happpy to hear that you hve resolved your issue with your wife and have kids now.

    She just needs reassurance that you love her, all the time so do that. Easy nowadays with whatsapp send a flower emoticon every morning. Spend quality time with her and create positive experiences together.

    Hope to hear from you.

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