My parents are not doing anything to get me married!
Asalaam Alaikum.
I am 21, and just finishing off my degree, and I am starting to think about the next steps in my life. A lot of my friends are either married or have potentials, or know who they will marry. My parents have always encouraged us to concentrate on our education, and i have always appreciated this. However, I feel like I should start think about getting married.
It is slightly complicated as my parents had my older sister married from Pakistan, and it did not work out, and she is now divorced. For a long time no one thought about my sister remarrying, and she went back to university and completed a degree, and still there is no word from my parents. I know of many occasions of people approaching my father asking for our hands in marriage. A few of these have again been from Pakistan, and I can understand his hesitance.
As I am no also not confident in marrying someone from Pakistan (I know not all Pakistani people are bad, but my parents are from the village from back home, and so a lack of education and culture clash kind of worries me). However my parents don't seem to 'give off the vibe' that their daughters are at an age of being married off. I have heard my father say "my younger two daughters are too young, and the oldest is finishing off her education".
I really want to start thinking about my future, and about getting married. I have never dated, and do not want do anything unislamic. I have told my mother that i would like to get married after I have graduated but she just says we will think about that when you've finished, I think that they have placed too much importance on education. I don't know what to do. How should I approach this situation?
JazakAllah
~ Zakiyya
16 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Envious. I wish my parents had put more importance on education.
You're only young...not too young for marriage but still young. Talk to your mum and tell her that you would like it if they would start looking for you. Tell them that you feel ready for marriage etc...Tell them what you've told us:)
They sound quite nice and sensible parents to me and I'm sure they will listen to you.
Ya sister I can see why cause the world is full of temptation but In my culture its the opposite girls get married really young nd I'm in 20's and that's old to them so I'm happy to hear hamdallah you have your education that's really good sister, well tell your parents if someone suitable will ask then let them have you go through sitdowns but don't try sites or ppl at school from my experience not that I'm being bias but I think its better to go through things the best way through the family cause you don't know anyone's intentions and why I'm telling u this I'm saving u the hassle I guess, but if they still are not changing bout the marriage maybe there scared cause parents do worry for their children and I'm sure they want the best for you sister but if it makes u feel better I wish I had a household or culture like yours my society is about marrying really young so do t worry sister inshallah the best guy will come everything written anyways, goodluck sister and I hope I helped!:)
Salaams,
I also come from a family culture similar to your I'm the youngest daughter of five. Due to the marriages of my older siblings not working out my family just completely ignored the subject of marriage for me and being the youngest didn't help, as even now they don't realise how old I am. I recently posted a message out asking for advice as my family won't agree on marrying me to the man I want to now marry who is my cousin. Cutting my story short similar to yourself I completed my degree and never dated etc as didn't want to do anything haraam. Saving myself for marriage only but after I graduated all my friends got married or were fixed etc but no sign of marriage from my family. However I was given implications that one of my cousins was a potential suitor.. I know this is not the way to go but I started talking to my cousin just as friends at 22 to get to know him. We both developed an attachment and wanted to marry. I told my mum and sister and they both said your only young don't think about marriage as parents wanted to concentrate on older bros etc. so I left it marriage was almost a taboo subject. Anyway I'm 28 this guy that I thought my family would approve of and that I wouldn't be doing anything to displease them with my family won't agree for me to marry instead my father hoped I would marry a different cousin whom I don't feel compatible with. Anyway my point is sadly I'm 28 now because my parents avoided or neglected shall I say any talk of marriage openly with me when I was in my early twenties I'm still not married- things are more complicated and whilst they make their minds up and sulk its my life and youth that is being wasted.
My point is dear sister your concern is a real one - realistically your parent and you won't find a suitable rishta in a fortnight - please please make sure u don't neglect and ignore discussion about marriage - you don't need to get married until ur 25! But you need to know what and who they have in mind and discuss this openly otherwise you may end up in a sad situation like me which I don't wish upon anyone.
Anonymous x
Assalam o alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu,
Elhamdulilah I am totally glad that you expressed to get married .I urge you to speak bluntly to your parents. And i do have someone in my eyes for your ukhti if you are interested I am sure the moderators here wont allow but i implore them to allow becuase they are here to solve problems and you seems to be a wise girl.
Fee amanallah
We do not allow it, as you know.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Alaikum,
I want you to thank your mom and your dad for stressing the importance of education. You really need to be grateful to have parents like yours. Many girls dream of going to school but sadly they cannot because their parents did not allow them.
You are a smart young lady, you can speak to your parents. There is no shame about expressing your desire to get married if that is what you want. If you think you can handle the responsibilities of marriage, why not get married? Do not forget to pray to Allah. You know He hears our prayers. Ask Allah for a good muslim husband for your sister. Allah will accept your prayers and insha Allah, He will make marriage easy for you.
Congratulations on your achievements and wishing you much success in the future. Don't forget to give us some happy updates about your sister's marriage and your marriage, insha Allah.
Reader
I understand what you are going through as I am from same culture and youngest sibling in my family. Some of my siblings have very tough married life, so my mom completely ignored the topic of marriage for me. Being guy I had an advantage and expressed my views to my sister and mom. I have been approached by lot of uncles for their daughter but my family would ignore all. I am in my late 20's and finally I found someone from my friend's family and I have my wedding fixed. Honestly it was a tough fight but I didn't give, even though sometimes I was very disappointed when they ignored good rishtas.
So my advice to you is, push your parents through one of your sibling with whim they discuss about this. Express it to your mom and don't give up. Also make dua, as it is the weapon of a believer. But don't get disappointed if things are not working out, spend this time to gain knowledge of Islam as you won't find enough time once you get married or have kids. What's in your taqdeer is going to happen, no matter how much you try. But make lot of supplications for yourself and entire ummah as we(ummah) are going through lot of crisis.
Sufi
I wish my parents cared so much for my education. Please take your time sister. Finish your degree and get in touch with the things that make you happy and strengthen your Islam.
Assalaamualaikam
Alhamdulillah your parents have recognised the importance of education for your future and helped you to succeed in this area. Education is so important, and this was emphasised by our Beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) when he instructed his Ummah to learn. Islam has a rich history of scientific and literary expertise, and it is good that your parents are encouraging you in learning more and preparing for the future.
You are quite right that as you approach the end of your course it is wise to think about what you want to do and about important steps such as marriage. Your parents may be anxious that focusing on marriage might detract from your studies, and so wish you to complete your course before actively looking for a husband for you. What you can do just now though is start discussing with your mother about the kind of life you want and the qualities you would want in a spouse - generally, the more thought that goes into major decisions, the better the outcome tends to be.
What kind of lifestyle do you aspire to? Do you want to be a full-time mother, work part-time, work full-time? Do you want to work in a busy "high-flying" job with a lot of demands, or a job where when you leave you can stop thinking about it?
Do you want a husband who will work full-time, or who'll split childcare responsibilities with you? What values and opinions are important to you that you would want him to share?
If you and your mother start to think about these things together, inshaAllah you'll be able to build up a clear idea of where you want to be and who you want to marry, and your parents will see that you are serious about your wish to get married and can use your criteria to identify people you may wish to consider.
21 is still young in many cultures, especially in the West. More and more people in the West are waiting until their mid-late 20s before they marry, due to a number of factors - eg establishing a career, trying to get some financial security to avoid debt, family commitments... You don't need to worry about being "on the shelf" at 21.
Midnight moon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
hmmh, you're 21 so you are still young. however, it's good to marry young. I feel for you though, I'm 28 and my parents have shown no interest regarding this matter either. I've got relatives & friends who are younger than me and have settled down. I will admit though, my looks are not exactly appealing, so that may be the reason behind my parents hesitance. Also this is why I'm not expecting any rishtas and haven't received any up till now.
I don't think I'll marry at this point, but I have an inordinate amount of self control. Also by not marrying I figure I can dedicate my life to helping family and relatives, without being financially strained. It's something I've always wanted to do.
However, I think since you're interested in marrying, you should talk to your parents.
Without meaning to sound patronising, I'm sure you're just fine looking. Also, beauty is subjective. InshAllah your wait and patience for marriage will be rewarded by Allah and you will get a good, pious, humble and loving partner, no less than you deserve.
Salam.
Walaikum Assalaam bro/sis.
I didn't find your post patronizing at all. Here's what I think though -
Yes, most people do say that beauty lies within the domain of subjectivity, but personal experience leads me to believe that some people are generally considered to be unattractive. Or perhaps unattractive by such a large chunk of the populace that one could say they are 'objectively' unattractive. I'm quite the pragmatist when it comes to this issue. My opinion is simply based on my experiences.
You also said, that inshaAllah I will get a partner that I deserve... well, again, I feel that people do not necessarily get what they deserve in this life. I have, over the years, internalized the notion that one doesn't need to have a spouse/children to live a fulfilling life. Happiness and contentment in life come from Allah and not a spouse or anything/one else. I know you are not suggesting otherwise, but I just thought I'd give my two cents on this subject.
I do feel some relatives & friends pity me at times, but I feel there is absolutely no need for this. I don't pity myself, in fact even if I were given the choice, I'd choose to be the person I am today and look the way I am today.
Rattle, I agree with Take Heed.
I'm sure you look fine. Anyone can be attractive. You are only 28 - trust me, when you are in your 40s you may regret your decision. Life is harsh and lonely.
However, I do think it is unfair that your parents' passivity in this regard may be dictated by their subjective opinion about your "looks". The unfortunate reality is that in many muslim cultures, so much of the first impressions are based on a girl's looks. Hence the lack of proposals for some girls who are average-looking or less than conventionally beautiful. I've been through that, too, in my younger years, although my parents have never put down my appearance.
I think you should search within yourself and ask if companionship and motherhood is something you really desire. At 28, you may think its ok not to have those things, but like I said once you hit your 40s, you may regret it. Life is cold, lonely, and many people can be unkind -- it would be nice to have someone who has your back. So think about it, and if its something you want, then don't rely on your parents to make it happen. Meet people on your own and try to find your companion, a father for your children. Its hard, especially if you are living in a nonmuslim country, but you have to at least try.
Just to clarify to Precious Star and Take Heed - I'm a brother - not a sister. Also I appreciate the concern you both expressed.
I really don't know what else to say. I don't want to derail this thread anymore. In closing, allow me to state that this isn't a spontaneous decision. A lot of deliberation and mental preparation has gone into this. I've considered all the cons of not marrying, but given my previous experiences and what has been said about me - I'd say I've pretty much made up my mind - and I'm not unhappy about my circumstance either. Also changing my mind about this doesn't necessarily change certain realities I have to face. I may seem pitiful to others, but I suppose that's something I can learn to live with.
heck... even when I verbalized my decision to not marry, a facetious remark about how I don't really have any options anyway was made. Of course the person saying this was joking, but truth be told - it was a very practical statement.
Hey and Salam,
I agree with what you said about people not getting what thy deserve in this life (though, who are we to judge, only Allah decides who deserves what).
And I also agree with your thoughts in regards to beauty and I think it's such a shame because in the end I think what someone wants from/in a partner are those things you can't see, a good heart, loving, honest, trustworthy, personality/humour/attitude. Inevitably, it's not how someone looks which we fall in love with.
I know you've said you're happy with the way things are but have you thought about the future? Not marrying does unfortunately mean growing old by yourself, perhaps not having anyone to lean on, not having that family network etc. I'm like you, if it were up to me then I wouldn't marry at all, in fact I've turned down a few proposals but I do know that I want a family, children etc because I've had this discussion before with a friend and it's made me realise that I'd rather be with someone than to be alone. The thought of being all alone is a depressing one to me.
Maybe you could approach your parents or someone suitable/appropriate and tell them how you feel you're ready for marriage now. There are plenty of options. You can marry in your home country, which plenty of girls and boys do, or what about those matrimonial websites? I know you're happy with the way things are but please try not to make your decision not to marry just right now and give it some more thought, think about the future and the many things you might be missing out on such as bearing your own children! There are many good things that come from marriage and yes, although happiness is given by Allah just remember that "there has not been created any institution in Islam which is more favoured and dearer to Allah than marriage", as said by The Holy Prophet (SA).
Apologies if I've not made perfect sense but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say
Salam.
I hadn't read Precious Stars response before posting but I guess I'm pretty much reiterating her points.
I may be completely wrong and again patronising but it seems to me that your basing your decision of not marrying upon what others have said in regards to you and marriage etc and that is completely unfair. You can't let them decide indirectly what's good for you. There is no substitute for marriage. Please do take steps to make it happen if it is what you want. You're only 28 and that's still young. And I still say you're just fine looking 🙂
Your Allahs creation and therefore you're perfect
Salams.