I am a second wife, Is it my right to demand to meet his parents?
Importance of family ties in Islam
I am Muslima, alhamdulillah, and I agreed to to marry a Muslim man as second wife.
The first wife and her children are living in his parents house in a different city.
We are married now since about 8 months, but he never took me to meet her or his parents, and then informed me that he didn't tell them yet that he got married again.
To make things worse, his marriage was an arranged marriage, his wife is a first degree cousin (her mom is his dad's sister). I know that there will be fuss going on over that he married again, but in the end I think once they would get to know me all would be fine with time.
I really want soo badly to meet them all, as they are part of my life also, I feel. But all I get to hear from him is that he will tell them 'when the time is right'. Is there ever a time where you knowingly will disturb your family peace with unwelcome news? I doubt it.
Still, my question is, is it my right to meet them, especially his elderly parents? Can I insist on it or even follow him when he goes home on his 'monthly vacation' to just see them from afar? I don't know why this seems to be so important to me, but I feel like without them knowing me or about me, it's not a real marriage..... public knowledge condition wise etc... Oh, and we are living in Egypt, btw.
- Azeera
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Sister i dont think you should demand to see his parents or first wife and kids, it needs to come from him iam shocked she does not no about you already, he is not doing anything wrong and should not be hiding you from his friends and family, i dont no why men make their lives so difficult you sound like a lovely women who would be a sister to his other wife, have patience and dont push this its still early days in your marriage.
Yeh I'm sure the 1st wife will get a lovely surpise!
Asalaamu alaikum,
We have been married now since almost a year. Still until today I wasn't introduced to his parents. All I wanted is that, to be introduced clearly as daughter-in-law to them. If they then wanted to keep up a relationship, I would be more than happy about this. I also told 'husband' many times, I really would want to meet my co-wife and tell her that I love her for the sake of Allah SWT and love their children. I've seen photos, and my heart yearns to meet, hug and kiss them.
I've come from a family where we lived with 4 generations under one roof, and since I'd become Muslima I had to give that up, they rejected me. So I am literally craving to be a part of a family again. And just to be known as the 'other' wife.
My question was more in the lines if anyone knows about a reliable source that states it's my right to be introduced (according to shari'ah). Just thought I would chime quickly in, as I had posted it months ago and then it kept laying forever on pending approval... 😉
Assalam O Alaikum sister Azeera,
Yes you are quite right sister, you must meet his parents and remember that a marriage shouldn't be a secret from any side of the family be it woman's side or man's side. It not only having witnesses from both sides but also parents of the both bride and groom should know about it. Your husband not allowing you to meet his parents or him not telling his parents about his second marriage/wife raises questions. Secret marriages are more common now a days then they were ever before. The fact that his first marriage was arranged by his parents and also with his cousin could also create problems in your marriage. His parents may take his first wife's side and force your husband to not treat you equally or simply ignore you and don't give you your rights. Please read the advice given by an Ustada Zaynab Ansari to a sister in the following post who is in a similar situation.
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=6969&CATE=89
May Allah (swt) bless you with a happiness, peace and tranquality in your marriage by removing all the obstacle in your halal relationship with your husband.
Wasalam,
Your brother in Islam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Wa alaikum asalam wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuhu brother Muhammad1982,
Thank you so much for your response and the referring link. Unfortunately I keep looking for some more 'firm' rulings on this, which really clearly clarifies if it is a right for her to be introduced to his parents or just a 'courtesy custom' to do....
Hope anybody can find out more about this, as I keep searching and searching and searching...guess this situation is a bit unique in it's way....
In Islam the husband needs to get the first wife's consent before taking another wife. It is said in various Hadeeth that perhaps a marriage taken without the consent of the first wife is invalid and also a marriage vow taken in secret is Zina.
Demand to meet his family and first wife. What a cowardly man he is.
Asalam alaikum sister,
I am sorry to correct you, but that is not entirely correct. The stipulation can be made in a marriage contract that he needs her approval for a subsequent co-marriage, but not all schools of thought follow that suggestion, because it is the given right to a man to marry up to four wives (which, of course, he doesn't necessarily has to do, but theroretically could).
But yeah, I am about to pressure that issue now to finally being introduced to his parents as their 'other daughter-in-law.
Some issues don't need rulings, they are just common sense. If he is keeping you secret from his family then he is ashamed of you, or he does not consider your marriage to be real. He could divorce you at any time and then move on with his life, discarding you as if you never existed.
Did you have a wali? Does your family know about this marriage? Did he pay you a proper mahr? Do you have a written marriage contract? Is he supporting you financially?
If the answers are no, then he using you as a secret affair. Your relationship is not marriage.
Make this marriage public, or get out.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Wael, Asalaamu alaikum brother,
Thank you for your response and questions. The questions asked were intended in gaining clarification of Rights in regards to meet his parents. But regardless I will answer your questions:
No, I did not have a wali in the 'common' sense. My family are non-Muslims and are also not living in this country. Despite, both of my sons, Muslims, from a previous marriage, were present (but don't know if that would qualify as being a wali then)
Yes, my entire family (or whatever of them I could still reach/was in contact with), has been immediately been informed, including the father of my sons, who is my ex-husband.
Yes, I received my mahr.
Yes, we have a written marriage contract consistent of two pages with two male witnesses signed, bilingual in Arabic and English.
Yes, he is supporting me financially, providing the housing, utilities, most of the groceries. But he does not/is not able to financially also support my sons who are living with us.
Please kindly help me out with suggestions on HOW to make it more public?
Kind regards,
Your sister in Islam,
Azeera
Ma-sha-Allah, clearly you had a proper marriage by Islamic standards. The only remaining problem is that the marriage is being kept secret from your in-laws. I think you have to decide how important this is to you. If it's very important then you may have to give your husband an ultimatum: let his family know, or face separation.
If the importance does not rise to that level, then you may have to let it go.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
That's a lie, he doesn't need the first wife premission. Know the facts before u speak.
You may have agreed to be a second wife, but did she? Leaving aside which school of thought you're from, it just makes sense that since she is a co-wife, that she would have a say in becoming a co-wife. You had a say, did she? In most happy families, the parents approve of the marriages of their children. This may not technically be required in Islam, but it's something nice. Did his parents not approve? Do they even know? These are things to think about, because they may point you in the direction of why he hasn't yet introduced you to his family yet.
Yes dear Sarah, THAT is exactly my point, even though it was MY condition prior to marrying him that SHE and his family get informed ASAP about it. Even though he claims that they do have knowledge about me, and I send occassionally gifts for them as well, I never received anything in return nor even heard them insisting to share a Salam with me on the phone or pressure him to bring me 'home' to them so they at least get to meet ME once.
This is now the point where I fully start to question and doubt that he ever informed them (and hey, since he is working here and living with me for about 6 weeks at a stretch and then goes home for about 10 days, it's easy to make them believe MY gifts are from him and not tell them, I know that).
It is very confusing for me and I really don't know how to approach this issue, or rather 'how to put my foot down'. This is a foreign country for me where I am living in, so I don't know where to turn to get the help I need....
Hi Azeera,
Its amazing just how similar our situations are. I too have been married as a second wife but for 7 months now, none of his family members know about our marriage although my whole family does.
We also work at the same place but although colleagues suspect us to be going out, none of them know about our marriage as well.
On a number of occasions, i have asked him to let me go but he always plead with me to exercise patience and understanding, that with time, he will inform his wife and family.
But trust, its not easy. Just last night, i broke down but he assured me that with God's help, he will make it known.
As at now, am just leaving everything to God and i strongly believe He won't let me down.
May Allah SWT subdue our sorrow, shine His light into our lives and Restore our joy. Ameen Ya Rabbal Allamin.
I would like to know, has things gotten better? Does his family know about you now?
what happened with ur marriage sister ? did he tell his family?
Assalam wualaikum sis,
We will be married one year this month but he still has not told his first wife nor his parents back home.
I always contemplate ending this secret marriage. I really need divine guidance!
salam,
well i don't think it's fair on u ....he has to tell them and yes it is ur right to meet his parents otherwise ur marriage is a secret from all his family which is not right,marriage in Islam should never be a secret and there is no need for u to be looking for a specific verse in qoran or a hadith ....marriage should be made official to everybody and in front of everybody....anyways...it's ur decision to make but i'm sure u hurting a lot bekoz of that...how is he to u ? is he a good husband? does he look and provide for u? .....u know....i am a second wife too...he told his parents and informed his wife since day one...he proposed to me and came to marry me... of course i never met his wife ...she hates me even when she is the one who told him to get a second wife and gave him consent....now she changed her mind and is stopping his parents from dealing with me or visiting me...they have done few times up to now...but secretely koz she threatens she is gonna stop them from seeing their grand children....anyways this is not about me ....i just wanted to tell u that u demanding to meet his parents is the least he can do for uand it is not fair to keep u in the dark ...ur his wife not a girlfriend he messes with and can just disappear when he likes........i'm more than happy to keep in touch n help with whatever i can...i had a baby 6months ago...been very depressed koz of the situation and everything....been married now for 3ys and it is not easy at all...i made my choice now i have to live with it...i thought about leaving him too koz i am very down and lonely and miserable away from my family ...but i just can't fault him...he's the best husband n father to our baby....alwys treats me with respect...provides for us...loves me...extremely nice to everybody...i'm still getting used to this situation koz i never thought it's gonna be this hard.....anyway....c u later n gd luck.
Salam Sis Maya,
Trust me, i would never wish any girl/woman to walk in the shoes am walking in now as being in a secret marriage tremendously affects a girl/woman's sense of self-worth! It is better to remain single and happy than this....Its only Allah that is giving me the strength to carry on my everyday life!! At the beginning, i was totally DEpressed. Despised and blamed myself for having agreed to it in the first place. But Alhamdullilah now, am getting more level-headed.
For my husband, he can be a really good, caring and loving husband at times. But most of the time, we can go for days or even a week without us talking to each other. During such times, he is either at home with first wife and kids or hanging out with his friends around town. He wouldn't call or check on me or spend my "days" with me. Sometimes,I find it very hard to respect, trust or even love him as a husband .
There was a time that i asked him to put himself in my shoes and tell me what he would have done. He said he would have been prayerful and patient and told me that the reason why he is taking his time is because he does not want to lose his children as his first wife can take him to court if she finds out. I was so hurt by this comment!! He saw the hurt in my face and said he didn't mean it that way, etc, etc.
Although he promises that we will start our own family,( i do not have any kids yet and constantly YEARNING for one) ,my parents too are pressuring me to start having kids as am in my mid-twenties now and not getting any younger. But deep down, i feel he is not ready for it yet. Plus, would b\it be fair to bring a little angel to this world given the mayhem i am in right now??. To me marriage means being able to lower your gaze in a wholesome and healthy fashion and being able to build a healthy and happy home. But this marriage contradicts the belief that i have of this sacred and great institution.
Of late, my cup is full: i really really want out, the odds are stacked up against me!! He doesn't have anything to lose . I would be the one who would waste her youth, lose her honor, respect and integrity in society. Did i mention that he is an expatriate in my country so if he is called back, he would just leave with his family back to their country.
There are moments that i truly believe in his promises, and when he says he loves me and married me cuz he would love to spend the rest of his life with me. But then why is he still keeping me as a secret?? Why is he still not ready to start a family with me too?? I have asked him these questions a million times but now, i can no longer believe in his empty promises.
I have always been a modest and good girl , at least to the best of my ability, and it hurts me to tears how i ever allowed myself in this kind of heart-wrenching situation. I really need your duas so i can be firm in letting go. I just don't know how to go about it but i believe deep down it is the best and most honorable thing to do right now. But the question is, how???
Asalaam alaikum,
What could be possible is that the first wife has a clause in her nikkah that specifically states that if the husband marries another wife, her divorce would ensue and other clauses that would support her in this regard which would catch your husband out. That is probably why your husband made the statement he did concerning this scenario and what he fears.
However Sister Khajija, I do not believe you are going to be disgraced in this matter, because of what you are facing right now is a greater calamity in losing affection and trust in your marriage. Reclaiming your honor by leaving this situation or revealing it properly to the first wife would be more virtuous. For society comes a far place off that the state that Allah (swt) created you to be in, which is more than what you are receiving now from your husband. For the religion of Islam clearly states that we have been honored by Allah (swt) and chosen to be His servants. Who then has the right to humiliate us?
Yet your question stands: how? It is answered upon this realization: your husband has not and more than likely will not ever reveal to his first wife anything about you. If you have children, there is a great chance that they will be a secret and the situation will become more stressed and more intense feelings of pain will be manifested inside of you.
So then comes the Islamic solution: a separation. During this time, you can request an ultimatum of your husband that he inform the first wife, because of the alienation of emotions resulting from this secret. The emotional aspect is a reason for divorce. This request is a condition of your separation, if you choose to go back to him. If he scoffs at the idea, delays or make excuses that you are being dramatic, then you know he will never honor you. During this time, you will not share beds or engage in sexual activity.
If the times expires and you follow the proper Islamic course for your particular sect, you can create the motion for divorce.
The religion of Islam does not leave women powerless or empty handed. You do have recourse which is from the Mercy of Allah (swt). Since you have come to the point of this distress, then this is one avenue you could consider taking.
dear khadija,
i am honestly in tears reading ur response koz i am a woman too n i can put myself in ur shoes n i look at my situation dat's depressing bt really feel sooooo sorry 4 u n everything u have to put up with....i can not even imagine wht ur going through...i mean how can u accept all of that? u do not deserve this kind of treatement or relationship, i am gonna be totally frank n tell u exactly wht i think not to hurt u or upset u even more than u already are....i really genuinely feel for u n want u to step up n say ENOUGH is enough...come on khadija let's be honest....have u never heared of similar cases or watched movies with the same story......he is a liar n just wants u to accept it a little by little n is never gonna change anthg about the situation bekoz he knows he can get away with it...so wht does he do when u confront him about it.....? leave...are u serious? n u allow him to disappear for days n hang out with his mates...i mean he really is a disgrace....again i'm extremely sorry for speaking my mind bt i hate people especially men who are taking advantage of young kind vulnerable girls...wht he should do is completely the opposite of wht he's doing to u now....he should be the first to confort u n understand the situation u r stuck in bekoz of him....he should appreciate the fact that u agreed marrying him with all his baggage n wife n kids ....believe me sister u deserve better than that....yes ur very young and ALHAMDULILLAH u didn't get pregnant as kids only bring more stress pressure into a relationship.....don't do the mistake many women did n regret now...they have kids thinking everything n all their marital problems are gonna get sorted out by having a kid or 2....no khadija it's only gonna get worse....i seen it around n i know it.....look i am no home wrecker i'm very considerate of ur feelings n situation bt sweet talk is never gonna help u .....u said u don't kno how to end it n leave n this n that.....why? where r u from? where is ur family?.....u need to find a way out of there,ur husband is selfish,careless of ur pain n suffering n will never take a step towards facing the truth ....let's keep in touch n remember i'll be ur friend as long as u need me for.sorry again n forgive my honesty.
Salam,
Sister, tnx so much for us response.
What pains me most is d fact that he made me believe from the get go that he was perfectly able to maintain two wives without fear or favour. That his first wife n family will accept me so long as I am his wife,etc,etc. So for him to later say that he cannot be open about our marriage due to fear of losing his kids is quite deceiving. It wouldn't have come to this had I known initially.
But now inshallah, am going to take ur advice n put my foot cus its ways about time. Please include me in ur Duas.
inshallah u'll be in my duas n all muslims who r suffering or are in pain from an illness or in any kind of hardship...everybody shuld alwys pray from all the Ummah of the prophet PBUH after each prayer ...i really wish u good luck,inshallah u'll feel better once u get rid of all wht's negative and wht's stressing u right now....keep in touch n remember m here for u....
salam khadija, so what have u decided to do? i haven't read anthg from u lately....r u ok? anthg new?
hope ur well.take care.
Salam sister maya,
tnx a lot for ur concern. Actually, things have improved a little. He has introduced me to his two younger sisters. This didnt come easy as I had to give him a strong ultimatum.. He insists dat I give him more time n vowed dat he will tell his parents about us.
Although I am scared of how things might turn out as nothing is guaranteed, yet am trying to give him d benefit of d doubt n pray dat all goes well..
Sister Khajija,
We have a number of people who have submitted posts and are waiting patiently for them to be answered.
Please log in and submit your question as post so we can help you InshaAllah. This comment will be deleted shortly.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Sara,
My apology.
I have taken heed and posted it accordingly
Thanks a lot
Thank you,
Your post has been received and will be published in turn InshaAllah
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Good Day! I read all the message answer and question of the second wife. I feel sad for the wife hide on his husband family, its so unfair.
For those Muslim wifes 1st to 4th always put on your mind that your alway have right to treat fair and equal of your husband don't allow your self down over the first wife.
For what you marry if you just keep secret to the public. Never allow your husband to do that on you because you will be feel like a mistress if u stay keeping your relationship to the family and friends.
keep always stand to your right as a legal wife like the rest.
Don't put your self down because of your husband secret because if he say to you he loves u he will do everything to you always ask him to prove it as a wife u never ask more u just want to be known and to get respect as a wife also of your husband.
Never shy to be second, third, or fourth wife. the most important your husband treat you will and fair like the rest.
Being the second wife I know its hard and need always to be patient and consider that your not only one and your husband always have another obligation to other wife and children.
Good Luck! To all Muslim Wifes!
ahhhh.....same stories everywhere. before reading these post i was sure that i am the only one on earh who is suffering from this situation but no, there are lot more cases. I m also a second wife who loves her husband so much. before marriage my husband told me the he probably wouldn't ever be able to disclose our marriage yet i was madly in love with him so i was also not able to withdraw or to understand the facts which l am facing now being a mother of two sons. its been almost 6 years to our marriage and we have two sons MashaAllah and nobody still knows about our marriage except my whole family and my few friends. I support him in his business and work for him. he always take care of my and my kids needs.My husband used to spend only one night in one month with us and sometimes one night in three months. he used to come for 2 hrs at my place on an average 4 days a week or may be less than that. he take very good care of us but only financially. Rest of the matters i have to manage myself. I have to take care of mine and i alone have to take care of my kids even when they or i got ill. as when it comes to time he becomes stiff and always shows me cold shoulder or we always ends up on fighting each other. Now i terribly want that he should give us more time and respect as my kids are growing up and the eldest one is able to ask question that baba why r u going, baba stay here, baba dont go to office as we used to tell him when my husband leave that baba has to go to office. I am very much desperate now and dont know what to do. We have so much fights among us and i misbehaved many times due to my anger or frustration. I used to ask him whether they ll leave us if his first family knows and he sometimes becomes quite and sometimes says no, "he ll not leave me" may be just to make me quite as whats are in our hearts God knows better.
Sometimes i really feel to end up as there is no respect in living such life. I am afraid of so many things now. i m afraid of he might leave me. i m afraid of God forbids if something ever happened to him what would be my r my kids future though i am an educated person and was doing a very good job before helping my husband in his business but its been quite a time now. I live in rented house and the other needs will also get higher with the passage of time. as far as he is with me everything is fine as he is taking all financial responsibilities but when he wont be with me then what happen i am afraid. and what about my feelings which are always hurting becoz he dont give time to me or my kids. he hurt me by sying this that i am materialistic if i ask him for someting. it is because my parents demand from him that he should bought me a house as security and this is what i told him. My family didnt say directly anything to him. I dont know what i should do. I want to live with him till the last breath i have but this is getting too much now or i m becoming weaker now as i feel that i need him now in everywhere especially when i see or listen or feel how much care he do for his other kids. I want somewhere same for my kids and may b for myself too. I dont know if i am wrong or right. what should i do plz hel
assalamu alaykum
As a first wife who's husband got a "second wife" without letting anyone know, I am absolutely horrified at how self absorbed you all are.
As a woman you should have first thought about how this would affect his first wife before you married him. Its unbelievably selfish that neither of you (hus and second wife) let her be even aware that this marriage took place. you both just changed the course of this woman's life and she had no choice in it! did that ever cross your mind. Most likely most of these first wifes will demand a divorce or live in misery once they become aware that not only did their husbands take a second wife but they also will recount the days and years of deception and lies, which is quite honestly more heart breaking than the taking of a new wife.
Before you married these men did you think how you would feel if it was you who's husband had took a second wife without your knowledge. it is no good to say "he promised to tell her after", in saying such you are admitting your hastiness, naivety, and lack of thinking. The first wife has a RIGHT at least to know about her husbands decision to take a second wife and you both in your agreement to get married before her knowledge, took her rights away.
I think if you stop being so concerned with yourselves, your own predicament and take responsibility for your own actions and consider others first then you will find the strength to make the right decisions.
The fact that this page is mainly full of feelings of sympathy for second wifes (who married a man without the first wifes knowledge), honestly scares me. have some humanity.
And as far as I'm aware public knowledge of a marriage on both sides is a precondition of a lawful marriage so in that sense you have not fulfilled the requirements of a proper marriage.
Written by a woman who suffered the "secret marriage", years of deception and worst of all lost the great feeling of respect that I used to have for my husband. I felt the other side of the story had to be told. and I hope people learn from this why it is a precondition that the first wife is informed about the marriage.
THAAAAANK YOU SARAH
Hi Sara, anyone will view a situation from which ever angle it effects them. In this case first wifes will make an issue of her husband taking on a second wife, so if im considering marrying a married man then I know no first wife will accept and his not doing anything wrong against Islam...but the question should be on first wifes if they are not selfish and want what they have with their husband with another sister then this hiding issue wouldn't come in our society..so first wifes are to blame. Do you blame allah to have given you him as your husband then allah has chosen for him another wife....
Thank you Simane
I am a second wife. I am fortunate enough that I was introduced properly to my husband's first wife and all of his family before our marriage. They love me and I love all of them dearly. My husband has 2 children with his first wife. I have 2 grown up children from a previous marriage and this was before I reverted to Islam.
Why I am writing now is all I want to say i do believe the man should not keep secrets. However we wives need to look at the pressure and ultimatums we put on our husband's that reduces them to behaving in this manner.
Believe me I endure the same jealousy and at times feelings that my husband is not treating me fairly which kills me inside but as Muslim sisters shouldn't we all be praying for patience not only with our husband's but with our sister wives.
If Allah (SWAT) has allowed our husband's to take up to 4 wives shouldn't we all be supporting out husbsnds emotinally so that they can fulfil their duties to us as equally as possible without demanding a divorce or taking away their children from them???? I don't understand how a Muslim wife 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th could treat her husband like this and ignore what Allah has chosen for a man to rightfully have as long as he is fair and equal to all wives.
Help your husband's do the right thing sisters don't make it even harder for them.
May Allah give us patience and peace in our marriages.
AMEEN
I think u shold wait till he tell to his fathor. But sure the first wife will take shock from this breaking news.