Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Salaam Alakuum, Can I divorce my wife for simply refusing to cook for me?

Woman's hand with cooking knife

My wife and I have been married for 9 years, at the start, everything was good. I mean she cooked/cleaned and did the every-day things (That I'm accustomed to), and things that you'd expect a wife/women to do.

Now my wife has 1 child from a previous marriage and 6 year old for me. Now for the past 5 years of our marriage, my wife gets her daughter to do all the cooking for the house.

This has been my biggest Issue with her. I've spoken (Kindly) with her about It, I've yelled/swore/and In general gotten very angry over this Issue.

Now what happens Is this, she'll swear to "Change", but nothing changes. I mean she'll (After the Initial blow up by me), she'll "Cook and act the part", but than give or take (With-in 5 days) go back to her old habits. Now I've spoken to her "Mother (My mother-In Law), her "Friend", her "Sister", but this women just refuses to "Change", she must really believe I'm "Too stupid to realize this Is a pattern" because she acts as If "She shouldn't do the cooking/cleaning".

Now I'm just at a point where I don't wish to "Keep up this cycle". I mean a "Wife that refuses to cook for her husband" (To me Is no wife of mine), but "I'm at a loss as to what to do".

My main Issue and the reason I find this too be an Issue simply put Is because, she has stated to me back "In Yemen, with her ex-husband" that she use to "cook for the entire family", that means, her "ex, his brothers, and his father", and yet for the life of me "This women just refuses to cook for me (Unless I really break-down and just blow up and start screaming like a mad man to the point where I get dizzy).

 

Now another question, I have Is this.

 

Assuming I have a valid reason as to leave her. What do we do In the case of my "Son"? Who raises him? For how long must I keep on supporting her for? I mean In terms of her rent? Food? Bills? For how long must I keep paying It for?

Naruto_Miu

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9 Responses »

  1. Look God has given us the solution to all our problems already. One of those solutions is not for you to get angry to the point where you are dizzy. Let's make one thing clear, if someone wanted you to do something and the way they were trying to make You do it was by anger and violence then you might out of force do it once or twice but it won't last. Your angry because the man before made her cook and you don't know the skills how to achieve the same result... It's a very simple thing you need to do but at the same time that simple thing must be done with wisdom and patience. So here it is, women want to please their husband automatically already because it's their nature so be sure that the solution Allah provided will work and if it doesn't then there is something wrong in your implementation of the solution. Allah says in the Quran how to discipline your wife which is first advise her kindly speak to her not being so force ful and saying look sit down I want this and don't want that. No no because that would contradict what God said and live with then honourably. So when you kindly advise be like there's small thing bothering me and I get very jealous of other men whose wife always cook every day and I really love you So much and wish I can have the same thing but I know sometimes you are tired. If you speak to her like this by giving her a choice then she will be more likely to respond in good way. Don't get angry if she says a silly thing back to you and says go to those other women then who cook, this is all part of the patience and wisdom I told you about. If you are able to control yourself then you are more likely to be obeyed and followed as a leader in your home. Anyway if that doesn't work after a while and you tried then DROP THE AMOUNT OF LOVE YOU GIVE HER JUST VERY SLIGHTLY, God explains this by saying abandon them in the bed or something along those lines but believe me women seek love from their husband and if the love changes just a little bit for a few days then she will notice and enquire about it. Then you can tell her with WISDOM AND PATIENCE that your just a bit sad about she doesn't cook for. You and you don't feel loved and that's why your struggling. Be careful how you say things because if you go back to your old ways of getting upset and saying angry thinga like a women then she won't listen to you remember a women will only obey a man not another woman! Anyway the third step. After that is to give her a symbolic tap on the wrists so as to show your displeasure. If these things don't work then as I mentioned your not doing it right because God has provided the solution and God doesn't lie.

  2. Asalamu Alikuim brother let me tell you this stop making your life and marriage harder . First of all you should never bring up her Ex Husband or any Ex it ruins the relations and make things harder . If you are working and providing the family and she's home stayed Wife you could sit down and tell her Habibty I love your cooking and appreciate it very much which why ? I can't have our daughter do it . If your sick and not feeling like it . I will take you out or bring food from Restaurant. Can you work on that ? Would be easier . Don't bring people in to your marriage her Mother , Ex and other people. you didn't Married her to be your Maid or Chef . In that case you can hire someone for that, please stop asking for it . When she can she will make it with love . Divorcing for your stomach is Haram brother don't break your family. You love her she loves you . Her son and daughter . When she's cooking asstist with her , learn from her and be better . Only reason your Divorcing her is your stomach Haram .dont give your kids and Marriage hard time

  3. When I read the title I was ROFLing - however, having read your post, I don't think your issue with your wife is really the fact that she doesn't cook for you, or that she gets her daughter to cook on her behalf. It sounds to me like you compare what she used to do for her ex-husband versus what she's doing for you, and you feel bad and jealous that she did more for her ex and his entire family than she does for you. I think your feelings are 100% justified, because I have been in a similar situation and know how painful it can be to feel like you come in second. The only difference is, I didn't marry the person I felt like did more for his ex than he did for me.

    Also, I think your wife's bad attitude might be making things worse than they already are. I wouldn't say you have grounds for divorce, because you knew exactly what you married: a woman with a past and a child from another man - so you can't really complain, now, about the fact that she used to be a wife to someone else, and perform wifely duties, towards them.

    I think you need to have a proper chat with your wife about your jealousy and explain to her, candidly, that it's hard for you to tolerate that she used to do more for her ex than she does for you. That it makes you feel less important than him. Most likely, your wife doesn't know you feel this way...so, essentially, you're coming off as a big brat baby in front of her. Which I can understand doesn't motivate her to be a better wife for you.

  4. I don't think you should think about divorce here .
    You just need to have more patience and try to resolve it by yourself by more dialogues.
    6 year old girl is a child and tell her how it feels bad to take work from a child .
    Don't complain to her mom ,sister etc as its of no use it will further spoil the situation ..

    You can't force her for cooking .

    https://islamqa.org/hanafi/daruliftaa/7651

  5. Your wife does NOT have to cook for you nor does she have to get a job to support the family. She is NOT bound nor ordered to do so in Islam. She is NOT even bound to clean the house. If she DOES cook for you, she will get a reward from Allah by way of Sadqa. Please educate yourself regarding the rights of women in Islam.

    If you needed a servant, you should have hired a servant. If she does not cook, then hire someone to cook for you.

    Yes, if she cooked, it would be nice of her to do so, however, Islam does not order her to do so. A woman is not even bound to take care of your parents in old age. All these things are the responsibility of the husband. I am talking Islamically.

    A woman is not a possession and certainly not a slave.

    As far as divorce and monetary support is concerned and who should get the child and how long you have to pay, Islam is irrelevant if you are living in a western country. You have to do what the court says. Most likely, the mother gets the child and father pays until the child is 18 years. You may even have to pay for the child that is not yours and you will have to pay for wife's spousal support.

    In other words, it will be cheaper for you to hire someone and pay him to cook for you.

    • As Salaamu Alaykum

      Yes the Wife is not a Object or a Slave but she to have Duties who she have to fulfill.
      Even like you state that the Wife dont have to cook but look as example the Husband was now working and the Wife is now sitting on a Chair and is watching TV.^^I think the most of Husbands would go a bit crazy.^^
      Islam too not says that only the Husband have to do somethings and the Wife nothing, Do you know how bad it is ,if a Husbund is unpleased with his Wife(even for a small reason)(of course if there is no reason to be angry than it is wrong)but really to have a good live between Husband and Wife both have to do somethings for it and not only the Husband.That is too not after Islamic Teaching,but Of Course to Divorce one for not Cooking is too to much.

      “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable”

      [al-Baqarah 2:228]

      If the husband is angry with her because she is refusing to share his bed, then her sin is even worse, because of the report narrated by Ibn Khuzaymah in his Saheeh from ‘Ata’ ibn Dinar al-Hudhali, according to which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There are three whose prayers will not be accepted and they will not ascend to heaven or even go beyond their heads: … a woman whose husband calls her at night and she refuses.”

      It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he stays angry with her all night, the angels will curse her until morning.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3237; Muslim, 1436.

      It was narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) that women will form the majority of the people of Hell. It was narrated from ‘Imran ibn Husayn that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “I looked into Paradise and I saw that the majority of its people were the poor. And I looked into Hell and I saw that the majority of its people are women.”

      (Narrated by al-Bukhari, 3241; Muslim, 2737)

      With regard to the reason for this, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was asked about it and he explained the reason.

      It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “I was shown Hell and I have never seen anything more terrifying than it. And I saw that the majority of its people are women.” They said, “Why, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Because of their ingratitude (kufr).” It was said, “Are they ungrateful to Allah?” He said, “They are ungrateful to their companions (husbands) and ungrateful for good treatment. If you are kind to one of them for a lifetime then she sees one (undesirable) thing in you, she will say, ‘I have never had anything good from you.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhari, 1052)

      It was narrated that Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allah be pleased with him) said:

      “The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) went out to the musalla (prayer place) on the day of Eid al-Adha or Eid al-Fitr. He passed by the women and said, ‘O women! Give charity, for I have seen that you form the majority of the people of Hell.’ They asked, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allah?’ He replied, ‘You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religious commitment than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you.’ The women asked, ‘O Messenger of Allah, what is deficient in our intelligence and religious commitment?’ He said, ‘Is not the testimony of two women equal to the testimony of one man?’ They said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Is it not true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?’ The women said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘This is the deficiency in her religious commitment.’”

      (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 304)

      It was narrated that Jabir ibn ‘Abd-Allah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “I attended Eid prayers with the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). He started with the prayer before the khutbah (sermon), with no adhan (call to prayer) or iqamah (final call to prayer). Then he stood up, leaning on Bilal (may Allah be pleased with him), speaking of fear of Allah (taqwa) and urging us to obey Him. He preached to the people and reminded them. Then he went over to the women and preached to them and reminded them. Then he said, ‘Give in charity, for you are the majority of the fuel of Hell. A woman with dark cheeks stood up in the midst of the women and said, ‘Why is that, O Messenger of Allah?’ He said, ‘Because you complain too much and are ungrateful to your husbands.’ Then they started to give their jewellery in charity, throwing their earrings and rings into Bilal’s cloak.”

      (Narrated by Muslim, 885)

      • Imaam al-Bukhaari (may Allaah have mercy on him) reported in his Saheeh that Asma’ bint Abi Bakr (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “I got married to al-Zubayr, and he had no wealth on earth and no slaves, nothing except a camel for bringing water and his horse. I used to feed his horse and bring water, and I used to sew patches on the bucket. I made dough but I was not good at baking bread, so my (female) neighbours among the Ansaar used to bake bread for me, and they were sincere women. I used to bring date pits from al-Zubayr’s land that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had given to him, carrying them on my head. This land was two-thirds of a farsakh away. One day I came, carrying the date pits on my head, and I met the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who had a group of the Ansaar with him. He called me and made his camel kneel down, for me to ride behind him, but I felt too shy to go with the men, and I remembered al-Zubayr and his jealousy, for he was the most jealous of people. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) realized that I felt shy, so he moved on. I came to al-Zubayr and told him, ‘I met the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when I was carrying date pits on my head, and he had a group of his companions with him. He made his camel kneel down for me to ride with him, but I remembered your jealousy.’ He said, ‘By Allaah, it bothers me more that you have to carry the date pits than that you should ride with him.’” Asma’ said: “After that, Abu Bakr sent me a servant to take care of the horse, and it was as if I had been liberated from slavery.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath, 9/319).

        In the commentary on the hadeeth of Asma’, it says: from this incident we may understand that it is the woman’s duty to take care of everything that her husband needs her to take care of. This was the opinion of Abu Thawr. Other fuqaha’ suggested that Asma’ did this voluntarily and that she was not obliged to do it.

        Ibn Hajar al-‘Asqallaani said: “It seems that this incident – Asma’ carrying the date pitss to help her husband – and other similar incidents were the matter of necessity, namely that her husband al-Zubayr and other Muslim men were preoccupied with jihaad and other things that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had commanded them to do, and they did not have time to take care of domestic matters themselves, and could not afford to hire servants to do that for them, and there was no one else who could do that apart from their womenfolk. So the women used to take care of the home and whoever lived in it, so that the men could devote their time to supporting Islam.”

        Then he said (may Allaah have mercy on him): “What is more likely is that the matter had to do with the customs in that land, for customs may vary in this regard.”

        It seems that what Ibn Hajar said is close to the view of those who say that the wife has to take care of her husband and the home in accordance with the dictates of local custom.

        Ibn al-Qayyim said, concerning the story of Asma’: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw Asma’ with the date pits on her head, and her husband al-Zubayr was with her, he did not tell him that she did not have to serve him, or that this was unfair to her. He approved of her serving him and of all the women among the Sahaabah helping their husbands. This is a matter concerning which there is no doubt.”

  6. I see what the problem is and it is not who does the cooking. It is jealousy and anger management issues. My wife used to try to compare herself to my previous ex's - it drove me up the wall! eventually had to put my foot down and said "that is enough - no one compares to you because i did not marry them, i married you, so you are the "best of all"". And it really did not matter what i did or did not do for anyone before my wife - as long as i treated her the best i could at every opportunity to the fullest extent provided by circumstances of the time.

    I used to get so angry and important issues and not being listened to. Then i realised the key to get RESULTS: stop yelling, stop the anger. Quite literally a women will close up and retreat into herself once the yelling starts. So do yourself a favour, and calm down. talk nicely to her and she'll be more responsive. leave out her ex - you've been married 5 years? we don't talk about the exes anymore. If you feel the anger building, STOP! take a breath, think about what you want to say and HOW you want to say it, and will it give you the result you want? if you still can't control yourself just walk out, go for a run, have a smoke whatever to calm yourself.

    Also, doex it matter who cooks the food as long as its on the table every night. seems she has taught her 6 year old daughter very well to cook the foods so - oh my god a spider i have to get my wife!

  7. Salam brother
    Don't divorce your wife for not cooking. You can make her understand things. Her past was past don't compare your present life with your past life. Trust me if you both are happy cooking should not be a reason of your divorce. May you both have a happy life and may Allah almighty bring love in your both hearts

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