I love her family but she isn’t who I expected.
Assalamou Alaykom,
I’ve been married since a few months now and I’m having troubles with my wife’s behaviors. I’m already thinking about divorce but I need your advice as a Muslim. Islam was and is still an integral part of my life. I haven’t missed a prayer al hamdulillah since at least 12 years, but I have to admit that during university days, I wasn’t so faithful, used to go out a lot but thank god I never did any big sin, never drank alcohol and never did zina.
Anyhow, I met my wife at university, at first I’ve noticed that she was not that much faithful but she used to at least pray but not all the time. I wasn’t so sure about marrying her in the beginning, but then I met with her family, she has an amazing family, her mother, her sisters and brothers are very faithful, very good and conservative Muslim family. On the other side, I was very touched by her family’s story. All this to say that their story made me get attached more to her family, I felt that I belong with them. So I decided to marry her, not out of pity but I also loved her.
She is still at university she still did not finish but I already finished and I’m working now full time.
During our engagement we were both very excited, she was really outstanding with me, and was willing to get better religiously, she used to pray more and work on herself more. However, one month before our marriage, I started to notice that she was changing a bit. I told myself it’s okay she’s probably stressed. She was praying less and seemed always busy.
After we came back from our honeymoon, she was never as colder with me. Three months after our marriage I found out all the reasons that pushed her to change after I confronted her.
At university they started playing with her head, her being the only one engaged while the people she studies with are non-muslims they started to tell her that she is still young and that she hasn’t seen anything in life yet. They made her believe that her husband will prevent her from going out and having a fun life, they started to invite her to go to parties and have fun outside, which she went once behind my back. There was especially one guy, eventually a non-muslim guy, who influenced her the most. She let herself have a strong friendship with him, granted there was nothing between them but I was extremely mad when I knew about her ‘strong’ friendship with him, especially that they used to text each other frequently and she used to tell him a lot of her personal information. During that time, she was changing her perception towards me; she believed them and was pretty much convinced that she’s going to miss a lot of fun marrying me. She was also worried about her career; she’s got a lot of ambitions and thought that her being married will prevent her from achieving her goals.
When I knew about all this and confronted her, my first reaction was to ask her to pack her stuffs and go back to her mother’s. Her mother interfered and tried to conciliate us. I brought her back home but was still not convinced. She started crying and told me that she was very sorry and that she did a big mistake and told me that she didn’t want to lose me and that she will put all these mistakes behind and work on our marriage.
I have to admit that since then she’s been a lot better, she’s enthusiastic with me again. I did a lot of things to please her. I sold my house and bought a new one because she didn’t like it, I made A LOT of efforts with her father to convince him to talk to her and see her again because I knew she loved him a lot even though he was very hard on them, I was able to convince him to see her. My wife is very thankful for this and appreciates everything I’m doing for her, but I’m finding it very difficult to live through this. I didn’t imagine one second that she could be easily influenced and mentally weak. I didn’t know either that her feelings towards me was that much vulnerable to the point that she was ready to break our marriage for having more fun. Going to parties is out of question for me! She hasn’t been praying either, since we got married she used to pray only twice or three times a week, now she’s praying once or twice a day, but that’s not enough either! She says she doesn’t know why she’s not praying more. She’s also very attracted to TV Series that are morally very bad and that teache western ways of living. Having kids is also a very long shot for her, not before 4 or 5 years at least.
I’m honestly very disappointed, I feel like I made a mistake. If I divorce her I believe her mother and her family will have a heart attack, I can’t let them down, but at the same time I’m unhappy with her behaviors and her mentality. Even though she’s been a lot better lately and more vocal about how happy she is with me but I still doubt every thing she says and every move she does, this is not normal! When I asked her why are you seeking to go out and party all the time? Her answer is that she was imprisoned all her life by her father and that it’s her way to react.
What do you think I should do? I want her to be like her family, close to them and to me, to be influenced by her family and by me, not by some strangers! I want her to erase from her mind all the time she’s been imprisoned home and not going out and focus only on her marriage! She loves but she is just having problems with the fact that now she is married, it seems like she can’t trust her marriage after she’s been horrified by her parents divorce (her parents used to fight all the time before marriage and her father used to be very hard on her mother).
Thank you
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Brother, be patient with her. Put the past behind you. She made some mistakes, but she sees that now. Don't hold it against her. Don't be suspicious. Let the past go.
She wants to have some fun. That's normal for young people (you are an exceptionally sober and grounded individual Alhamdulillah). Maybe you can help her see that she can have fun with you. You can make friends with some other good Muslim couples and invite them for dinner sometimes, or go to their houses. Take her out to the park, take her out to dinner sometimes, play games with her, have some fun. Enjoy your marriage.
Alhamdulillah you have a wife who loves you. That's a great blessing. Forget about divorce, the truth is that no marriage is perfect and the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Don't lecture your wife or try to change her, just be a good example for her and make her comfortable and happy in her marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salamu alaikum. . . . . I agree with wael nd others., i just wanna add something to what wael opined... As far as sallat is concerned, i think u have to be very very strict about it., for her saying she does'nt know what is stoping her, that is a foolish excuse... It cannot take her more than 10minute to offer one sallah and she has all the remaining hrs of d day to carry on her human activity. . . . . I think you have to indoctrinate her with offering d 5 compulsory sallat prayers because Almighty Allah will ask u (her husband) on d effort u put in trying to force her concerning it. . . . And lastly, i will use this oppurtunity to remind u of an hadith which says '''THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MUSRIKS (ie disbeleivers-polythiest), MUNAFIC ( ie hypocrite) AND A MUSLIM IS LEAVING THE SALLAT
Assalamu alaykum Brother,
The Qur'an is where you will find all answers and the best advices. Know it's value brother, it is one of the best gifts from Allah to those who believe. I quote for your reference a few verses of the Qur'an, read them, understand them and Insha Allah act upon them, they are a possible solution to things that are troubling you:
12. O ye who believe! Shun much suspicion; for lo! some suspicion is a crime. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Ye abhor that (so abhor the other)! And keep your duty (to Allah). Lo! Allah is Relenting, Merciful. -
Surah Hujurat
52. Verily We have brought them a Scripture which We expound with knowledge, a guidance and a mercy for a people who believe.
204. And when the Qur’an is recited, give ear to it and pay heed, that ye may obtain mercy.
- Surah Al A'raf
57. O mankind! There hath come unto you an exhortation from your Lord, a balm for that which is in the breasts, a guidance and a mercy for believers. - Surah Yunus.
111. In their history verily there is a lesson for men of understanding. It is no invented story but a confirmation of the existing (Scripture) and a detailed explanation of everything, and a guidance and a mercy for folk who believe. - Surah Yusuf
64. And we have revealed the Scripture unto thee only that thou mayst explain unto them that
wherein they differ, and (as) a guidance and a mercy for a people who believe. - Surah An Nahl
And many more verses which relate to the mercy and blessings of the Qur'an.
So use it for your own good and seek Allah's help.
Do not forget to practice Patience brother. It is required of you.
Salaam.
Your brother,
Munib.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17- 18.
Assalamu alaykum Brother,
Your problem is alhamdulillaah not worthy of being called a problem. 🙂 Be happy.
Insha Allah we will work it out with Allah's help.
My advice: Love your wife a lot, leave all suspicion, leave past as past, she is improving, from once in a week to once or twice in a day prayer.
The Qur'an came in my life, it changed my life, it changed "me" and is still chaning me.
The best advice I can give you is to : Read translations and meanings of the Qur'an together, either she reads and you listen or you read and she listens, make it a daily habbit.
Brother, I gurantee you, if she has even little bit of fear of Allah, when she read's Allah revelations, Insha Allah, she will lose interest in parties, she will lose interest in music, she will lose interest in worldly pleasures and Insha Allah she will seek ways to please Allah.
Insha Allah brother. I hope you put this advice in to practice.
Give her some time. Trust Allah, and do not be suspicious towards her, else you may ruin your relation with your own hands.
Some people become "Muslims" in a second, in name and in practice, some take a few days, some months and some years.
But reading the Qur'an is best for a quick approach to Allah. So do it. Do as I wrote above. Insha Allah all things will be fine.
No need for divorce. No need to even think of it. There is no problem at all between the two of you.
May Allah bring happiness from this marriage for both of you, Insha Allah.
Insha Allah keep updating us with your and her progress and write back to us and do not forget us.
I hope the advice helps and your question is answered to your satisfaction.
Salaam.
* * *
Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.
Assalmu Alikum Warhamathallahi Wrbkathuhu,
Mashallah, she has been blessed with a good husband. I think she will get used to the idea of being as times goes, inshallah. Usually, its hard as there are some changes you have to make and living in a non-muslim doesnt help. Let her know that FUN doesnt end after marriage. Spend more time together, doing halal entertainment. Like you said, she has been imprisioned all her life and probably after being married, she can finally relax and party all she want. It gave her freedom. Theres nothing wrong in enjoying life as long as its kept within the islamic boundaries.
Also, shes young, still have a lot to learn in life. Shes still studying and so marriage might not the main thing in her mind. We see in the western culture that woman tend to get married late, they usually focus more on their work. I've had most of my friends tell me are you not too young to get married? you're still 16,17?
No one is ever ready for marriage. Regardless of what age you get married at, divorce still happen. Its more about what you do to make that marriage work.
Inshallah, give her time. Teach her more about Islam, help her to increase her imaan and taqwa and hopefully, she will be able to stay on the right path, inshallah.
May Allah(swt) bless you both in this dunya and the akhira.