Should we remain friends and keep talking or shall I break it off?
Assalamu Alaikum everyone,
I am in a predicament at the present moment, and in need of some advice. So basically here’s my situation. I am an 19 year old Muslim male living in the UK.
I met a Muslim girl online, or rather she met me. I was totally unaware she was Muslim and she too was unaware I was Muslim. So we talked as just friends. I should clarify that the site we met was no chat site or anything, I would never visit such sites as those. We met on: (website address deleted by the Editor)
I would ask her for help with certain subjects and yeah, our friendship grew, we became closer. My intention was never to meet someone online, I was only on this site seeking help with my studies. Anyways now we have become so close that we talk every day. We joke around as friends, and haven’t done anything extreme, we are both good practicing Muslims (which some of you might question after reading this thread). She even regrets voicing her thoughts.
A few weeks ago, she said something bizarre which totally changed everything. I am not going to say exactly what she said, but what she implied was… I like you, a lot, we should meet. Furthermore, she even started talking about marriage and how we were perfect for each other… I was taken away by this, and did not know how to respond. I obviously said we are still young adults and that when we are older and independent then we talk about these topics; e.g. marriage. I would sometimes try to hint that no we shouldn’t do anything, like in an attempt to push her away (distance her from me somehow) by saying that there are so many other good Muslims out there, you will meet one, but she says she found one already (me).
Now my question is we talk so often, and something in me is telling me to talk less to her. I have been doing this for the past weeks.. e.g. not responding to her messages. I feel horrible for doing that btw, I’m not doing that intentional, I just feel its for the best. I think our friendship sprung too fast. I don’t know how to put it to her that we should talk less. I have said it to her already and she understood, but its still the same. I’m sure if I totally stopped talking I would offend her and dishearten her, which I would feel very guilty of doing.
We both intend on attending the same university (Newham University) and she wants to be friends with me there next year… I have no idea what I have gotten myself into and don’t know how to get out of the situation. So please any advice would be good inshallah.
I should also add that this year I have had a few female muslim friends at school, and I know my limits and what not to do. I feel that this will not be any different with this girl. For me personally I come from a family with high expectations, and if i were to go behind their backs it would be bad, so yeah I know where to draw the line. I should also mention that I have asked quite a few people about this, and most have said that I should stop talking to her completely, however I find myself contrary to that, because like I have said, I know my limits, and also this could damage any future/possibility of a future relationship by acting indifferently towards her... I have had a response which entails the following, it may be shaytaan coming in between us which is causing me to bring distance to us (this is if we look at my situation from a different perspective).
Also I am in no position to marry at the present moment. I know you can marry whilst studying at university and have your family support you financially, but i would rather wait a few years before making such a decision, as my families current financial situation is unstable.
Jazakallah.
PS: if you need further information, I don't mind adding.
Anonymous12.
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walaikumsalaam,
brother, after going through your story, i could only tell you that , you are searching for a better option (other than her???) and nothing more. you are subconsciously judging her with the numerous arrays of options you have set for yourself......! you like to talk to her, doesn't want to hurt her feelings???(which i suppose , you feel bad when you don't get the chance to talk to her???instead of covering yourself as if it's her problem????) , you doesn't want to be with her but feel bad to leave her, as this might hurt her feelings???? and talk of getting rid of her and at the same time wants to be her friend??? gosh !!!! whom you are fooling brother??? this problem is called " typical flirting " syndrome . a girl would never disclose her innermost feelings which is very sensitive too, infront of a guy who never gave any clue to her !!!!
my prayers are with that sister and remember , you can fool yourself and others but not ALLAH !
@rukshaar
Salams, Jazakallah for the post.
I should have made a few things more clear in my original question. Anyways,I do have feelings for her. I care a lot about her. I will admit, I do think she would make a good partner for me, and I would hopefully be the same to her. Yes, I do enjoy our conversations, but something in me is telling me to back off and to stop talking. I have asked many people about my situation and they have said/given me a solution – stop talking to her altogether.
When I mentioned that I “don’t want to hurt her feelings” I was actually referring to the periods/occasions where I feel that us talking and having this relationship is haram. I would for a few days ignore her messages and then I would feel guilty for not replying to her.
I know this makes me extremely selfish, but I don’t know how to handle the situation appropriately, which is why I am seeking advice. I am sorry if my question wasn’t very clear, but I did not plan on getting rid of her. I did mention that to her once, and she was extremely disheartened by what I said. Once again not to sound selfish, but she seems attached to me, and stopping all communications will be taken hard by her and for myself too.
I was advised by other people on various Islamic forums, which you describe it as“getting rid of her”. Yes I would like for us to be friends, but as I have mentioned previously, many consider such a relationship with a non-mahram haram and unIslamic. This is where my problem arises; if we end our relationship and stop talking entirely, it would devastate the possibility of a future relationship and her view of me, wouldn’t it? So I am stuck between continuing our friendship, or stopping it altogether.
Jazakallah
Salaams,
The honest truth is that there really is no place in Islam for a friendship between men and women on the level you are describing that you have been having with her. You say that you know where to "draw the lines", but the fact remains that the line should have been drawn at the frequent,friendly conversations...and was not.
If you have no current or future intentions of pursuing marriage with this sister, then you should cease communications with her altogether. Clearly she has already gotten herself emotionally attached to you and wants to seek something deeper, so for you to try to "just be friends " with her on any level is only going to cause her more difficulty.
That being said, if you think she will be a romantic interest for you in the future, like after you graduate, then this should be communicated clearly to her. If you want to wait for her then do so, but having these daily chats in the interim isn't going to help. It's better to clarify what you hope for in the future, and when that would be exactly, and clearly let her know that until then you don't plan on engaging her in any type of relationship (friendly or otherwise).
In the future, I think it would be wise to eradicate yourself of any "friendships" with other ladies. I myself only have a few male Muslim 'friends', and they all happen to be the other editors on this site. As such, I rarely write to them apart from an email thread that all the editors are copied on. The only exceptions to that are pretty much by necessity. Generally speaking, that's the Islamic model of opposite sex friendship that should be followed---it's not that you can't call a sister your friend, it's just that you should not be interacting with her like you would your male friends. It should be formal, infrequent, and public. If your "friendships" with the other sisters you know don't fit that criteria, then you know you have to modify some things.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams, Sister Amy, Jazakallah for the reply.
I agree with what you have written, however I do have more questions. I definitely shouldn’t have had those conversations with her. My intention and my mentality towards my use of the internet has never been around involving myself in such things e.g. meeting people online/forming relationships. I think all this found me. I am aware relationships between males and females are strictly disallowed in Islam. However, inshallah I will be attending university next year and I am sure you know the situation. There will be male/female interaction where you are forced (optional) to do things with other people (male and female). I will most likely make female friends who I will keep in contact both at university and outside university (not that I want to, but it may turn out to be like that).
Also, as I have mentioned that this sister wishes for us to be friends at university. How do I respond to this?
Sister, I am actually caught in between because of the circumstances I am faced with. I am or atleast consider myself too young for marriage (in my opinion). I want to wait till I get my first job and complete my university studies. That being said, I do not have any interests in marriage at the moment and am sure my parents would advise me not to get married as such a time in my life now. The position I’m in is that I would like further our relation through marriage, but that would mean 3 years of waiting.
Could you please help me with “ceasing communications with the sister”? It’s not as easy as it sounds and like I have mentioned, she will not take it well and blame herself or say something of that nature. I have confronted her, told her we should stop talking, as a result she became emotional over the thought of me stopping our friendship. Yes I am aware that the definition of ‘friends’ will be different now. I just find myself in such a situation, which I wish I never put myself in.
Yes sister, I do think she will be a possible partner for me in the future. Would I just straight up tell her about my feelings about the future and the possibility of us furthering our relationship? If I “clearly let her know that until then I don't plan on engaging her in any type of relationship (friendly or otherwise)”, how would she take it? Light heartedly or will she be understanding? From what I have gathered about her she would take this badly. She has actually had a problem in her family to do with a sibling in particular her brother. In some respects, as weird or crazy as this sounds, she sees me as a brother to her. That’s how I feel, I could be wrong though…
Yes definitely, like I said, my intention was never to get up to this stuff. I was simply seeking study assistance with my school work.
Jazakallah, looking forward to your reply.
PS: sister could we request for our questions to be deleted after some time?
Salaams,
We do delete some responses to a post if they are inappropriate. Generally, however, we do not erase any questions as they tend to be helpful to many readers...as well as the answers given.
From what it sounds like, you are trying to find a way to settle the boundaries without it causing to much upset for her. I can give some general ideas for you to follow, but I can't guarantee that they will leave her at peace. She may still get upset, and sometimes that's just something to be accepted for the greater good. The good thing about states like sadness, anger, or being upset is that with time those states usually change into something else. I can't predict what her reaction will be, but we don't make decisions of what's right or wrong to do just because someone might react a certain way.
Honesty is usually the best policy. I think if you say something like:
"Sister so-and-so, I have to admit I like you a lot. You're a great person and from what I can tell at this point, you might actually be the kind of girl I'd like to marry. However, right now I have other priorities on my mind. I can't commit my thoughts toward marriage, and it would be unfair of you for me to discuss it in any detail since I've not even gotten that far myself in my own mind.
My intentions right now are to do the things I need to do to stablize my life and prepare myself for getting married in a few years. Right now my focus is on going to school and finding a good job after I graduate. I feel like once I accomplish those things, I will be in a better position to start considering who I would like to marry and I would be a better husband to them than I would make right now.
If you think you can be patient, and perhaps work on your own goals in the meantime like I am, I think it would be really neat if we could perhaps come back together after we finish our studies and talk about what our futures together might hold. I don't think it's going to do either one of us any good to cross that bridge before we come to it.
So that being said, right now I am making the decision to put my energy into the things I have prioritized. The main priority for me is my deen, so while you will always be my friend, I don't think it was wise for us to be close as we had gotten. I am going to remain your friend, but I won't be talking to you privately and regularly like we used to. It doesn't mean I don't care about you as a person, it only means I respect you as a sister in Islam and I don't want any error on our parts to sabotage what might come for us down the road in shaa Allah".
Of course, you can use your own words, that's just the general gist of what I would suggest.
Just as a caution, though, brother: these situations may "find you" again and again. You are still responsible for how you handle them, even if you didn't seek them out specifically. As you said you "might" have situations where you would need to talk to females off campus- I can generally say those incidents tend to be rare (if we're talking true necessity). I am saying this because there is a chance some girls might try to "create" circumstances where your path must cross theirs (yes, we do this if we like someone) just to catch a moment with you, so if you don't outline your boundaries (with everyone) strongly and enforce them diligently, more messes could arise. As you practice doing so, you will find the true gems out there will have more respect for you because of it, and not beg and plead you to be the exception to your own rules.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salams sister Amy once again,
I am sorry for not being very accurate with my question. Yes, I am trying to somehow end our daily chats/communications, because as she has said and I have said too and both agreed that we will consider marriage after university, not now or anytime soon. What you have written does sound good to send to her. Yes sister, I wouldn’t know how she would react by me telling her about our friendship.
Yes Inshallah I will try my best to avoid getting into those situations and be very selective of my friends and the crowd of friends I hang around. I will definitely keep outside campus contact to a minimal.
With regards to deleting a question, could I request something I may have mentioned be removed?
Jazakallah for your help. Sorry for causing any confusions.
Salaams,
Which part did you want edited/deleted? Those final decisions are left up to Brother Wael since he is Chief Editor, but if you let us know what you want changed he can respond accordingly.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother poster,
I understand the replies of both the responses above, but one is sort of a 'Fear Allah for mingling with a non mehran female' and the other is a 'shame on you for playing with her feelings'.
I'll try to find a middle road as I can tell you're confused...
First of all, the entire world, whether that world be online or out in the physical universe, is filled with people of the opposite sex, and also filled with people that could be considered compatible with you in areas including to, but not limited to religion. It's easy, if you put yourself out there, to 'bump' into someone like the girl you met.
No one but Allah can tell if you're being tested, or if this is the initial throws of a relationship that if you respect, will end in marriage and happiness. No one can tell you that if you work at your deen and ask her to wait with halal intentions, that it will all end well. I wish I had that crystal ball many times, let me tell you.
However, I can tell you, that nothing, not a leaf falling from a tree, not a meeting between people, happens without the will of Allah SWT. My implications here are that whether it's a test, or a beginning hint at your future with this girl, either way Allah brought you two together and either of the two options is a real possibility.
Also, although being 'alone' with a man when you're an unmarried girl... internet or in person... is not recommended, the girl is seeing her desire for you and attempting to avoid sin by curving the relationship towards marriage. This shows her recognition of coming trouble or her weakness of self control around you, and so she is choosing to try and keep the relationship halal. Even if you're not ready to marry, remember that she by simply proposing the idea, is showing that continued communication without marriage would be dangerous as she understands what sorts of temptations and actions come from talking to someone non mehram that she's interested in, and you would be that person whom around she may not be able to control herself. Only Allah knows who will hold responsibility for their actions should you chose to refuse the idea of marriage for whatever reason, yet continue to talk to her, but remember to fear Allah and see the piety in her actions and her fear for Allah and her knowledge of possible disaster or punishment should you two continue in a non halal way. Maybe that wasn't clear... let me paraphrase... if you deny her marriage 'proposal', yet continue in communication, you may be taking responsibility for the sin of the relationship as she attempted to keep things halal and you chose to negate that, yet continue on the unrighteous path.
Recognize the need of a good muslim girl who needs a husband and is showing righteous actions, and do not sway her path if you're not ready to take that step and honor her attempt to please Allah and find a husband.
And also remember that when two people are alone who are non mehram, Shaytan is always the third.
Knowing all this, in my mind and of course not knowing the future as only Allah knows that, the possible scenarios here as I see it are the following:
1. You continue to talk to this girl, yet do not accept marriage right away, and many many months continue with the sexual tension building causing terrible emotional damage for maybe you both, along with maybe sexual actions you will both regret.
2. You ask the girl to halt communications in a kind way, but express that you're interested (ONLY if you really are!!) and ask her to kindly allow you to finish your studies before you seek her hand.
**Although this sounds nice, you two haven't even met in person, and you may be asking her to turn down proposals while you're studying, so know what you're asking if you do this, and what you're committing to, and if you ask this of her, then you must honor it. If this is your decision, then meeting With a chaperone in a public place for tea or what have you is a good idea to really see if you want this girl or not, as you have not even seen her.**
3. You simply say you can not marry right now, and further communications aren't halal and will cause sin and should stop and you will find help with your studies elsewhere. If you see her around campus, watch your gaze and try not to lead her on with false hope just because you're trying to 'be nice'. Women are very emotional and shaytan is always whispering in our ears falsehoods and she may extract more than the truth from your smiles or chatting.
It should be noted that you should NOT simply ignore this girl. It's not right to do that to someone, especially a girl who is trying to do the right thing. Express to her your intentions so she can have closure or peace of mind. Allah will be pleased at your kindness and courage to do the right thing if you step out of your comfort zone to express honesty to a sister and keep her from heartache.
Also, don't do this again with anyone online or otherwise until you're ready for marriage. The simple idea that you did it in the first place, coupled with how you're handling this situation, shows you may not be strong enough to control yourself, should you meet someone you actually DO want to pursue.
Good luck,
Sister Stacy
apologies for the typos and sister Amy no offense on your post, I agree with you completely.
Salaams Stacy,
I just wanted to say your response was excellent. It's clear which one of us had our morning cup of coffee, eh?
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
There should be a """Like""" button for such replies:). By the way, I didn't know that coffee can do such wonders. I guess I should stick to coffee instead of switching between tea and coffee.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Maybe we should ask Wael to install one lol.
-Amy
IA.com Editoress
Salaams sister Stacy,
Yes, I definitely find myself on a cross road, I don’t know which path to take. Your response was very informative, thank you. I think I should have been a tad bit clearer and describe the entire situation properly, just need to clarify a few quarrels. Yes sister I agree, I too don’t know if it’s a test or the start of a new chapter in my life. I just wish this all happened when I was slightly older and not at this present moment…
I should have said this in the original post, but the sister actually had stated that she wishes to engage in marriage after both our university studies have been completed and we both or one of us has a job. Her ‘proposal’ of marriage is far extended for a latter period, not the present moment. When we did talk about marriage in the moment, I said I did feel the same way towards her. Sorry sister, but I’m not refusing her proposal of marriage nor am I denying her marriage proposal, It’s just future orientated.
Also clear up, I did not refuse her marriage or anything just to continue chatting… I think because of me not being very clear a lot has been misunderstood . Once again, I am not ignoring this sisters proposal of marriage. I am trying to distance ourself or to put it simply I am trying to ‘halt our communications’ as I realise this is haram, which I feel would be extremely selfish of me to do so.
So sister because of the situation for example we both have agreed to marry at a later period. So I should halt all communications with her? Like I have mentioned to sister Amy, how do I say this to her without being offended/taking it the wrong way? That’s so true, what if we do run into each at university, would be awkward… Do I try and avoid her on campus? Or do I tell her kindly that no we shouldn’t meet up. This is what I have said already, no we shouldn’t meet up, she responded, ok someday it will happen…
Jazakallah, hope the misunderstanding have been cleared up, looking forward to your reply.
Sister Amy,
2 cups! 😀
Salams
one big cup
Brother,
I'm on my phone, this reply will be short and I apologize for any typos.
It sounds as if you have chosen option number two. What I meant by halt communications is no more private chatting. You may get to know each other, and seek approval from the families, but only in the most proper way with your arrival to her family and your intentions proclomated (and visa versa) ahead of time, and you should bring an elder of sound mind to be a witness on your behalf at that meeting.
Otherwise, if talking in the interest of getting to know another, it must be in a public place and you should have an adult chaperone present, and it should end at a decent hour.
Hope this helps
S. Stacy
P.s.... I like hearing positive feedback as in words... I think it would be reduced with a like button, although it is a great idea lol
Salaams Sister Stacy,
Yeah I think its option 2.
I have heard from other people who face a similar situation to me, they have told their parents about the person they are talking to. However, I don’t think I could do that just yet. Maybe I could talk about this girl to my parents and perhaps describe her as a good friend I know at university. Maybe if I do this, this would foreshadow/hint to my parents that I am interested in a certain person in the future, and the good thing is we both are culturally compatible.
I was also thinking about ‘halting all communications’. Maybe one day I will tell her that we need to talk about our ‘private conversations’. However till that day, can I keep our communication to a minimal?
As far as contact goes during university, I will discuss this issue with her, and if it just so happens that we eventually see each other at university, we might have the occasional conversation and nothing more; as in no physical contact outside of university.
Part of me feels that if we do so happen to meet at university, it would be better and would help us talk less in privately for example texting and on the internet. (you might say that once we do actually meet it will lead to other things and our attraction towards each other will increase, but Inshallah I think I am strong enough and she is strong to not get up to any ‘haram actions’, having like what you would consider a ‘professional relationship’). That being said, I will try to have as little contact as I possibly can Inshallah.
Sorry if I make such a big deal about things, I just have a habit of thinking too much lol…
Jazakallah.