Should I stay in my emotionally abusive marriage for the sake of the children?
I have been married for 14 years and have three children. Our marriage has been breaking down for years. My husband comes from a very different culture. His family are very close knit, they only marry cousins and mix with their own community. They rarely venture out. My husband was the first to marry outside of his culture.
When I met my husband he was determined to move out and he was quite practising. We decided to get married in a short time of meeting- 3 weeks. I didn't agree with dating as I wanted to do everything in the right islamic way. My husband didn't have a job, car or a house when we married. So I worked hard to make ends meet and we used my car. I believed and trusted in Allah that all would be well.
Alhamdullilah my husband has mashallah now achieved a lot in his career and is well respected. I helped and encouraged him all the way, something he hates to admit.
From the very beginning our marriage seemed doomed. My mother in law cried the whole time on our wedding day. I was seen as a disgrace to the community as I was not of their 'blood'or culture. His brothers shunned me. The women made rude comments about every aspect of me. I was looked down upon. On visits to his parents house the women would just sit there staring at me. There was no conversation apart from negative comments about how awful I looked or something else about me.
My husband was very charming, loving and talkative before we married. As soon as we got married, he stopped talking. He started to treat me as if I didn't exist. He would just grunt if I tried to make conversation or pull a face. Even physically I would ALWAYS have to make the first move and he would often reject me. I would do special things, show interest in him, look good for him, cook nice meals etc etc but still I was rejected This would make me very upset. I would cry and beg him to love me but he would respond with anger and hatred and call me names. I would immerse myself in prayer and believe I was being unreasonable. He would quite often call me 'mental'and demand I see a psychiatrist.
I felt so lonely and started to believe I was the one who was in the wrong for being so emotional and demanding. I had never been in a relationship before so I just assumed my needs for support, love and affection were wrong. My husband very quickly stopped praying after marriage and put all his energy, efforts and passion into his work. When I would ask for the same commitment to the family and islam he would state that life isn't a 'fairytale'and that I should be grateful he is providing more than I could ever dream of.
Weekends I would take the children out by myself, he would remain in bed till early hours of the afternoon. When he would wake up he would lie on the sofa with his computer. He wouldn't get involved with the kids or even acknowledge them. This behaviour would drive me up the wall and cause me to react. He would then call me names. To him just living together is part of being a family. Interactions are not important they are a burden. This is how his family live together even though I thought it was strange before we got married I never questioned it. I know his mother and sister in law (brother's wife) both had breakdowns and were admitted to a psychiatric unit for a nearly a year.
Years later I have stopped reacting. I had gotten quite ill and realised I had been quite depressed. I asked his family to help and speak to him. When they did come they started attacking me for being a demanding and disrespectful woman and that I should be grateful for having him as my husband and the children he has given me. I have also brought shame to their community for not living in my in laws house. They accused me of being an abuser and told me that I need to be clinically tested. This was said and done in front of witnesses who were quite shocked and disturbed by their harsh manner. They even advised me to leave the marriage as there is no love or compassion. When I married my husband culture or background was never an issue to me as I was brought up to be quite open minded and treat people the way I would want to be treated. I was quite naive, I thought everyone thought the same.
Anyway my husband said he would never divorce me and I should stop being so selfish in wanting emotional needs. We should accept we don't get on and we should stay together for the kids only. He said all women in his community do this and why am I so special that I have needs. Times I have reminded him that I too have islamic rights he accuses me of trying to break up the family and tells me that this is just selfish behaviour and I should put the kids best interest ahead of my own. He doesn't seem to understand that a happy mum=happy kids.
We sleep in seperate rooms we have no intimate contact at all. It has been like this for nearly a year. We rarely talk and I have now become a quiet, underconfident negative internally angry individual. Before I was gregarious, loved people, life and very affectionate and extremely spiritual and active. Even in hard times I would trust in my test and leave it up to Allah as he knows what's best for me. I am now not even half that person. I have been chipped away so much that there is not much left.
I am praying to Allah to guide me to what is right but now I can't bear to be near him. I cringe at the thought of being intimate or close t and I'm sure he feels the same. The kids have been through a lot too as they've seen a lot . My eldest child gets really angry at his treatment of me.
My husband also thinks he has a hold on me because he is secure financially and well respected. To be honest I'd rather live in a hut with my kids and focus on them and my deen than in an environment with everything that is material and just so miserable and cruel. But I worry how the kids react, they love their father regardless and I know divorce is the most hated thing but is allowed.
I have seen a counsellor and we have even seen a marriage counsellor who advised I leave as he has no respect or love for me (this was 5 years ago!). I don't want to do anything haram. I have been praying for this situation to improve for years but it has just got worse. Before I could deal with his abusive behaviour but some days I feel like I want to run away and escape. I really don't want to stay in a haram situation for the sake of money duniya etc.
I just need some advise please. Is there anyone who can advise who has left an emotionally abusive relationship with children or gotten a khula in the uk for similar reasons.
Masalam
Samia
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Marriage should not be like this sister it should be filled love and happiness. its a shame that you didn't get to know him better before marriage I guess love makes people blind. Or maybe sister you spotted the signs and you chose to ignore it. Maybe if you had addressed the issues earlier on before you had kids it would have prevented any further abuse from recurring. But nevertheless your husband should know that he should love and respect you like the prophet did with his wives.
[2:187] Permitted for you is sexual intercourse with your wives during the nights of fasting. They are the keepers of your secrets, and you are the keepers of their secrets. GOD knew that you used to betray your souls, and He has redeemed you, and has pardoned you. Henceforth, you may have intercourse with them, seeking what GOD has permitted for you."(Quran)
"Love and mercy: "And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are signs for those who reflect." Chapter 30, Verse 21"
he said that marriage isn't a fairytale in Islam but it is realistic and it recognises that both men and women have needs and desires that need to be fulfilled in the marital home. what he is doing is using islam whenever it suits him. He is emotionally abusing you and using the kids to keep you in the marriage. He is the one who is BEING selfish every human being deserves to be treated with respect and honoured and so should you.
You are the most amazing/inspiring/strong/loving person I think I have EVER seen in my life.
You have been through so much, yet you KEEP putting your trust in Allah, you KEEP going on, you KEEP doing and saying things that are only increasing your deen, you keep bringing yourself closer to Allah.
I give up so easily on Allah, and here you are. Wow. I feel so pathetic right now.
You have inspired me SO much, my big sister.
I'm 14 right now, and I swear, you are a blessing from Allah.
You have inspired me so much that it can't even tell you.
Hold onto Islam with your life, sister, just like you are right now.
You are such a sweet wife, and the most AMAZING Mom, EVER.
You keep your deen strong, and keep focus on Islam and the needs of your children even when you are being put through SUCH a hard trail.
You know what's funny? As I was reading your message, and you were talking about what has happened over the years, I feel like everytime you talked about another year in your life with him, you became closer to Allah.
Everything you're being put through brings you CLOSER to Allah...One step closer to Seeing Allah, One step closer to Jannah, where you will INSHA ALLAH, have eternal happiness with your kids, in the HIGHEST LEVEL of Jannah.
My big sister, I know times in life can be so trying, so depressing, so full of hate, sadness, tears, death, etc, but that's what the world is supposed to be like.
Allah gave us all these things so that we can put our trust in Allah, follow the right path at all times, and work for the AFTER life, where love, happiness, laughs, smiles, are ETERNAL. 🙂
Oh sister, I want to thank you for being such an inspiration to me. I love you so much, and one day, I'll see you in Jannah. 🙂
Insha Allah, sister.
Allah tests the ones He loves most...It's no surprise He chose someone as amazing as you to test with such hardships. <3
I love you, Sister. More than anything.
See you in Jannah.
Samia,
My husband and I come from two very different cultures like yourselves. Our marriage is far from perfect and we have experienced many ups and downs throughout our marriage.
There is no reason for your husband and his family to treat you like they do...none. Their behavior is appalling and is not representative of how a Muslim man or woman should behave. The situation you are in is very unhealthy for you and your children to say the least. Not only are you beginning to lose the very person that you are, your children are going to be affected emotionally...life long. The longer that you stay in this farce of a marriage, things will only become worse (if that is even possible).
What you describe is emotional abuse and the deprivation of your intimate needs, not to mention respect and a man who treats you and your children in a manner that you deserve. Just because your husband chooses to live this way does not mean you have to. He is not fulfilling his duties as a husband and a father and that is not right nor fair to you. My humble advice to you would be to follow the advice of your marriage counselor and leave him. It seems that no matter what you do, you are going to lose. The question is...how much more of you are you willing to give up before you take action? No one deserves to be treated this way at all irregardless of where you are from.
Praying for you and your children...Salam
Dear sister, if your husband is not a father to the children, then it really makes little difference to the children whether or not you leave him or not. It actually may be more positive for them to leave as relationship problems between parents do affect the children.
If you are unhappy in your marriage and you have tried to rectify it then it is not haraam for you to seek divorce. In fact if its affecting your deen and affecting children emotionally then definietly leave him. You are not being selfish - you have needs and no person deserves to be abused in any way whether emotionally/physically. Dont let him make you feel guilty for this. As long as you know in your heart you have tried your best to make the marriage work then you are well within your rights to leave. A marraige cannot work unless both parties make the effort. Can you move in with your parents?
I pray that Allah swt gives you and your family happiness.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Dearest Sister Samia,
I walked in your shoes Sister same same, it took me courage to leave behind my comforts, home, community..... but I did and actually lived with my kids in a trailer in the country , close enough to a hut!!
My Deen grew stronger, I changed everything around and homeschooled my children for several years and traveled around with them... I fought my own self to regain my courage and esteem by making the move..do I have any regrets? I do because no one ever likes to think in terms of 'divorce' and women do not leave a good man, so as far as marriage goes, I also regret 'staying for the children' for so long...
We had peace mashaallah, I connected with my children like never before, they became confident, we would make fires , pray outside on the grass, read the Qu'ran together...now they have grown into confident people mashaallah and have respect for me as a lady and as their mother. One thing I ever refrained from doing is speaking negative about their father to them..Sometimes in life we are faced with these decisions regarding our own Deen and Iman .... for the sake of Allah when I was far removed from the abusive situations and was able to breathe and have peace I gained my esteem back slowly then other blessings seemed to appear spontaneously mashaallah.. Yes your husband is a good provider for you and so was mine, but there is much more as you know and Allah is the ultimate provider and opener of doors .. Sister if you can pray Salat Istikhara about this you will be amazed at how resourceful you will suddenly become once you have your answer, inshaallah! Keep your Faith, Sister and I will make Du'aas for you Inshaallah.
Assalam Alaikum
Jazak allah khair for your kind comments and advice. I feel reassured that there is hope and insha allah Allah will guide me to do what is right.
I did istikhara a few times several months ago and now my situation has become quite unbearable.
My greatest fear before was how he would react if I did leave him and the thought of him 'falling apart'. I would always worry about being responsible for destroying another's life as he would never fail to remind me how my commitment does not lie with the family etc etc. And obviously leaving a marriage and having to answer for that on the day of judgement.
But I have tried and tried to make him realise that he has to take ownership of his own feelings and shortcomings for 14 years through discussion, by changing my own behaviour but to no avail. He has constantly and consistently refused and always shifted/shifts the blame onto me. I am always the abuser. I am tired and weak now. Nothing I do is correct.
Your situation Sister Safi has really humbled me. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It means a lot to me. Insha allah may Allah swt give me the strength and courage that you had to leave such difficult circumstances for the sake of Allah and my deen.
Alhamdullilah I am very fortunate as I have my mother living very close to me. She has seen my suffering and I know will be 100% supportive whatever I decide.
Thank You ALL again for your advice and all your duas. I too will make dua for you.
Masalam
Samia
Assalamu aleikum Dear sister.
Your story touched my heart as I am in a very similar situation to you and don't have the courage to leave although life is unbearable.
I want to know how your story turned out and I would love to email you.
I hope that you are much happier and closer to Allah right now.
Your sister in islam.
We always encourage people to write back and let us know how they are progressing. However, we do not allow the exchange of private contact information.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum Dear Sister,
I truly applaud you for your courage. It is not easy sharing your story with the world. You are one of the chosen ones. We may not understand it but khair inshallah, Allah (swt) tests those that HE loves the most. And you already have one of the greatest gifts in this world: you have Allah (swt) in your heart.
I was in a similar situation. I got married young, was married for almost 14 years, knew my husband for 2 years before marriage. Also, Allah did not bless us with kids even though we both love kids very much. Obviously, Allah knows best and I thank HIM for it, as my husband and I never got along. It all started during/after the first year, as we always had our share of fights/arguments. We are from different cultures, as well but Alhamdullilah, we are both Muslims. My in-laws love me from afar and vice versa -- they are kind and loving people but then they are in my husband's hometown.
I guess I was foolish to believe that Islam is a universal way of life for a believing Muslim. Alhamdullilah, we used to pray together but that was about it. Everything was a disaster and the abuse -- both physical + emotional -- never ended. Even intimacy was initiated by me and it was merely a cold exchange of dead feelings. I used to cry after intimacy and he had no clue. My pillow would get wet with tears and I would go to sleep and then wake up for more abuse. I actually convinced myself that this was in my naseeb. And I tried moving the train forward for years, a decade and then some. Indeed, it was tough but I had Allah (swt) in my heart and to this day, although I am not a perfect Muslim, I continue to believe in Allah's plan.
One particular day, my husband and I argued more than usual. It was a fight that lead him to almost hit me perhaps even kill me. He chased me around the home numerous times, told me that I have 15 minutes to get out of the home and this day -- Allah-u-akbaar -- I stood up for myself! I looked him in the eyes and told him that I have no where to go and that it was my home too. I said to him, "hit me -- kill me -- do whatever!" I will no longer be a victim but I will be a witness to the blood on your hands and bad deeds you will take with you, when you face our Creator. Subhanallah, I guess I spooked him, as he did NOT hit me that day but he called me a stupid woman instead.
The strangest thing is that he is adored and loved by others -- whether it is by the people in the mosque, at his workplace or merely in the community. I tell him, unfortunately no one but myself lives with you. Even if you are a doll outside the home, you act like a demon inside and Allah and I see your true colours. I am a simple yet sophisticated woman who thinks outside the box but for some reason, I could not easily leave this relationship. I even accepted the little I received in life and then I couldn't handle it and fell into a deep depression which lead to neglecting my every need. I felt worthless, hopeless, and ugly -- even though, others told me how smart and beautiful I am.
So, after several leading incidents and spiraling downward episodes of abuse, my search began ... my plan was going to be executed and I would move into a place of my own. So, I did! Alhamdullilah! Wallah, Alhamdullilah! If it wasn't for Allah (swt) and the prayers, and sincere cries perhaps I would still be with him. But I begged Allah to open a door for me, help me get out of this difficult situation and so one day, while searching for a place to rent, I got a call and was told that the landlord accepted my condo application. I had a great credit score but little money saved up on the side -- while I was working, all my money was placed in a joint account. I could not let him know I was looking for a place and I was also unemployed at the time; so, I needed to be wise with my spending. But being a believer, I have tears in my eyes every time I remember this -- but Alhamdullilah ... with almost nothing material, no assets, etc -- Allah opened a great door for me and helped me free myself. HE gave me peace. HE gave me a home. HE gave me strength to move out.
My immediate family were/still are traditional and wanted me to stay in the marriage but I couldn't. They still want me to work things out with my husband. I said, enough is enough! Anyhow, I am now on my own. And my husband claims he "magically loves" me and he cannot live without me. Can that really happen? I told him do I look stupid or naive? But for the sake of Allah (swt) and being true to my personality, I am still kind to him! Don't ask me why but I am not a mean person and I respond to his messages -- whether email, phone or text -- and sometimes, I even see him and talk to him. I know this situation comes as a shock to him too. As he probably thought I would never leave him. But Alhamdullilah, I did! Even though, it took me 14 years but I did it. He cries days and nights and begs me to come back. I refuse/continue to refuse. I continue to turn to Allah (swt) for strength and guidance. Its almost one year that we have been separated and I ask myself, can an abusive husband change? Can he fear Allah's punishment for being cruel to his wife? Can he "really" change and be a better husband?
I am still in a tough situation as I am not divorced yet but separated. He still will not let me go and he is in denial. He goes to my parents place and begs them to tell him where I live. He still thinks I disrespected him because I moved out. But at the same time, he wants me back. I do not believe his words, as it took him 14 years to figure out that he "loves me". I believe it is a lie because a husband who loves his wife would never ever abuse her and throw her on the floor and then kick her like a dog like he did to me. Astagferullah.
I felt your every word dear sister and remember you are never alone. I hope and pray that your situation is better and may Allah (swt) help you and others who are suffering. And may Allah (swt) change the hearts of believers to respect others and admit their mistakes. Ameen ya raab!
Your husband doesn't seem like a bad guy, as a matter of fact he seems just like me. Maybe he doesn't like you. A good man losing interest in his wife can be a nightmare. You dressing up for him doesn't make it any better. Divorce is a bad thing in Islam, polygamy on the other hand is a better option. If you were my wife and you had decided to give a divorce, i would happily said good bye
Uzeyr, if the husband in this post is just like you, then I feel sorry for your wife. You have an ugly personality.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
U are an idiotic fool uzeyr. Fear meeting ur creator
Salaam sister. I read ur story and my heart is crying for you. U described my life. People lie this hav no fear for Allah n think they will not b answerable. We didn't hav to live like this. Allah never commanded women to suffer and or nabi was best to his wives. Arrogance Wil lead to he'll fire n husbands like ds are arrogant.I truly understand how u feel.
Dear sister
I read your story and I can certainly relate to it. I have two beautiful children mashallah, I have been married for 10 years. I went through emotional and psychological abuse. I was neglected. I suffered extreme loneliness. My husband moved out of our matrimonial bedroom when our first baby came along. It was never the same ever since.
We were created to worship Allah, that should be our ultimate goal. Islam promotes peace and harmony. When these elements are harmed then we need to get away. As allah's creation we deserve better. We need to take the first step and Allah Will take care of the rest. He is a witness to everything.
I initially went for 6 months separation. During this time I sought help and support from friends and family. The impact of this type of abuse is so great. In all honesty it would take a very long time to heal. The important thing is to recognise it and address the issue. You need to be 100 percent mother to your children. You need to be strong for them. And Allah is our provider and Gurdian. Has bun allahi Wa ni mal wakil. You would need counselling sister. There's a lot of support out there.
In terms of housing you can go to women's refuge, or go to your local council and say you don't have a place to stay.
Children's centres have many services for women like us. I requested for a family support worker who helped me through.
The 6 months separation has helped me to decide my future. I have requested for longer separation. When I'm ready in my own time I'll seek divorce through shariah council. Mean while if my husband wishes to divorce me, he's more than welcome.
My children visit him once every fortnight.
Wish you all the best!