Who will be my wali if not my father, who wants me to marry a non Islamic man?
Forced Marriage and Islam
Salam,
I am currently in a forced marriage, my mum is forcing me to get married to a guy who is not practicing (he talks to non-mahrams, sed bad things, has in-appropriate girls in his facebook, dosent fear Allah etc) but i want someone who is pious and really religious.
The boy is my mum's step nephew and she arranged the marriage since i was a baby. I talked to her and my father and explained to her tht i dont want to get married to him but she refused and said tht i hav to, I tried talking to her over and over again no-one seems to be listening. When I told them my family violently, physically, emotionally, mentally abused me, I get beaten like everyday im starting to have enough im 17 nearly turning 18. My mum sed she will b getting me married within 2 years tym wen im lyk 19-20 and my dad dosent care because he agrees with my mum .
I don't mind getting married at 20 but NOT WITH HIM, i tried and tried and tried explaining my reasons to my parents they dont care because they say that they want to guard their honor and if i say no their honor (izzah) will go. THIT IS SO NOT TRUE. I cry like nearly everyday, pray every day and make dua that Allah to send me someone who is pious because he is the provider and I know that Allah will send someone who is pious inshallah.
Seriously lyk im mentally depressed and islam is what is keeping me going i always think of wht will happen to me in the future. I know what Allah has done is for the best but it feels so hard.
My mum said wen I say no she will kick me out the house, I dont know where to go because my cousins will b on my mums side because they r all cultural as well. Im thinking of going to the imam to explain my situation and after I say no to the man I want to get married but I have no-one in mind and I dont know how to. :(.
Noone will be my wali my dad, mum, brother, uncle will never speak to me and they sed they will never agree to any of the marriages that I give consent to im so upset, I have no wali. IM SUFFERING SO MUCH and i know they mean tht
I made an agreement with my self that I will not agree to a marriage that i dont want and i will b strong, and when I inshallah have a daughter I want to call her Khansa also I will want to get married to someone who is not bengali (im bengali) maybe someone who is a white convert anyone who fear Allah . please help me.
Please dont tell me to talk to them because that wont work I will just get beaten, I will eventually talk to them after I get married because I dont want to break ties inshallah. I know the forced marriages hadiths and what is written in the quran told my parents but dosent work!!! my brother is a hafiz! they wont listen . But I love them all for the sake of Allah
okay my questions are
1.who becomes my wali if no-one wants to become a wali for a unislamic reason? is it the imam?
2. what shall i do?
3. How shall i find a husband? visit the imam??
jazakhallah kahirun
if u have anything else to add please feel free
~ jnazmin
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What is the main reason why all your family wants you to be married to this particular man that you think is not good for you?
Do you not like him just because he is a bangali or it is because he is not a practicing Muslim brother?
Do you think you could consider any other Bengali brother who is very religious as you say?
I think your answers to my above questions could help understand your situation, and can help find the right solution Insha'Allah
Wa'alaykumsalam,
Forced marriage is unacceptable and unIslamic. You should not be forced to marry. Your consent in needed. Do not marry anyone if you do not wish to. If your parents found a suitable pious muslim husband then you'll may to obey them. But since your parents are forcing you to marry a man who you described as non-practising, have bad non-mahram female pals etc. Then you have to stand your ground and deny this marriage. No one can force you.
Since your father is being irresponsible, your wali shifts to your grandfather or your brothers or your paternal uncles or their sons and if none, then an Imam can act as your wali.
This is a normal practice is Bangladesh ( forced marriage ). This is a terrible method of marrying off daughters/sons. If your parents are being torturous whenever you speak about marriage and deny their choice, your best course of action would be to remain silent for now and have patience. Since you're only 18 and finished high school most probably, it would be in your best interest to wait 1-1.5 yrs more and then talk to your parents about that forced fixed marriage. If they are still abusive and ignorant, then if you wish, you may take a safe route by staying far from them as getting beatings from parents unjustly is the last thing a person needs. By that time you will be 20 yrs old and you may find a job and be independent. But do not do this untill and unless you try your level best to convince your parents to cancel this fixed marriage.
Regarding your views to marry ' white converts ', In my opinion, its really not the best idea as you are a Bangali and seeking a religiously committed person. Now I'm not saying that converts cannot be religious or being racist here but born muslims normally fear Allah the most. And compatibility can be an issue with regards to a bangali and a white convert. In my personal view, I wouldn't want my daughter ( insha'Allah) to marry converts as we never know if the converts would leave Islam once again. It would then cause tremendous troubles. As I've heard many cases as such. This is just one reason. Allah knows best. And after all, in most cases, a convert's family is normally non-muslim and you do not want your kids (insha'Allah) to be influenced by them etc. This is not an attack to converts but just an opinion.
Therefore, Why don't you consider a pious bangali brother ? There are many I know of. (Sylheti btw). They can be a great potential partner. Or you may marry those of the sub-continent ( Pakistani, Indians ) as we have very similar views, cultures etc
For now be a good girl, know that pre-marital relationships are forbidden. Do your duties towards Allah. Do lots of du'as. Ask Allah to grant you a pious husband. Ask him to have mercy on you, forgive you and guide you. Have patience, pray Isthikhara and may Allah open the hearts of your parents, may He make them protect you. Ameen.
Regarding your 3rd question.
There are many ways of finding a spouse. Majority of the muslims prefer to go through the recommendations of family members. However, if your family is unable to help in this process, then you are allowed to start looking for yourself insha'Allah.
1. Ask your married friends if their husbands know of any single brothers. Make sure you let your friends know what you are looking for in a spouse.
2. It is also fine to meet someone through school or work or a community gathering aslong as the parameters of modest behaviors and shariah limits are observed. If you meet someone you would like to discuss marriage with, just arrange for the brother to meet your wali or family.
3) Talk to an Imam in a masjid or Islamic centres for them to find a suitable partner.
4) Register yourself in a muslim marriage bureau.
5) There are muslim matrimonial website where you may find potential suitors. In my opinion, this method of seeking spouse is most dangerous. The bad outweighs the good and the percentage for success is relatively low.
Matrimonial sites must be the last option.
If you meet someone who you might like in university or elsewhere, then hanging out, eating out etc is out of the question. No dating basically, inform your family directly.
A note of caution about online matrimonials:The nature of cyberspace lends itself to anonymity. It's very easy for people to misrepresent themselves online. So, never give out your personal information.
If you feel that someone has potential, get that person in touch with your wali or family. Make sure that your wali or family thoroughly checks this person out about his backgorund, family etc And always insist that the potential suitor provide references. This advice applies to whoever you meet, whether it's through online or offline.
In a spouse, look first for the religiously committed person and then the rest. For a person who sincerely fears Allah and aims jannah normaly ends up being a great husband. He should be modest in behavior and respectful. Our Prophet is the most shy person even when compared to the most shy virgin girl.
Once again, it's important to consider two things:
1. Always meet in the presence of your wali or family members. This is for your protection. Your father is your natural wali, or guardian. But if he is not helping, I would suggest your grandfather, brother, or uncle. If none are available, then it is imperative that you ask an imam or a pious mature brother from the community to act as your wali. Once you find a potential suitor, make sure to direct him to your wali.
“ Whichever woman married without her guardian’s permission, her marriage is invalid, invalid, invalid” ( Hadith Abu dawood,tirmidhi )
2. If you correspond via email or talk on the phone, make sure that your conversations are reflective of Islamic propriety. Once you feel attracted to each other and are quite sure you want to marry, then I would suggest that you cut down emailing and phone conversations. This is better for both of you in terms of adab. At this point, it is better to have serious meetings in the presence of your folks to hash out the final details of the wedding.
Finally, keep all these important points in mind,
- " If you fear Allah , then do not be soft in speech [to men], lest he in whose heart is disease should covet, but speak with appropriate speech." ( Quran 33:32 )
- "And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment..." (Quran 24:31)
- Ibn `Abbas said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) give a sermon. He said, ‘A man should not seclude himself with a woman except that there be with her someone who is of unmarriageable kin (mahram).’” [Hadith Bukhari, Muslim]
- Imam Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) narrated in Sharh Muslim (14/153) that there is scholarly consensus that it is haraamfor a man to be alone with a non-mahram woman.This was also mentioned by al-Haafizin al-Fath (4/77)
- U'mar reported that the Prophet(saw) said"When a man is alone with a woman then the third with them is Shaytaan" (Hadith Tirmidhi)
- " O you who have believed, do not follow the footsteps of Satan. And whoever follows the footsteps of Satan - indeed, he enjoins immoralityand wrongdoing. And if not for the favor of Allah upon you and His mercy, not one of you would have been pure, ever, but Allah purifies whom He wills, and Allah is Hearing and Knowing." (Quran 24:21)
- "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." ( Quran 17:32).
May Allah guide you. Ameen.
Salaams,
I know you were not trying to sound biased, but I think you made a misplaced and sweeping statement about white converts. I have heard many "born" Muslims say they have noticed that converts are more devoted to the deen than others who have been Muslim since birth. Think about how much guts it takes to subscribe to the one religion most feared and lambasted by the west. Many who convert have to be willing to sacrifice all of their family and friends for the sake of their belief. Honestly, white converts are not going to go to such lengths if they aren't fully committed to what they are getting into, and the chances of going back to previous beliefs are very small because most converts know exactly why they left those beliefs to begin with when they come to Islam.
I don't think culture or years of experience in Islam are accurate gauges of piety. A pious spouse can be found in any culture, convert or not. Cultural compatibility does carry some weight, but there are a lot of folks who mesh better with cultures other than their own as well. For that reason I think no one should be advised to limit themselves to a certain group or segment when looking for a spouse.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I assume,that Ali said it with good intentions.Marrying a convert who is totally alien to your culture and traditions can be risky.Just because we share a common religion doesn't really mean that we are going to get along perfectly.
I say,first try to find someone in your own community and if you are having a tough time in finding your potential spouse,then might as well expand your search into other communities.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
I don't mean to hurt any converts, me just giving my opinion.
You said, " I have heard many "born" Muslims say they have noticed that converts are more devoted to the deen than others who have been Muslim since birth".
I'll have to disagree with this, infact I've heard the exact opposite and that's what I've commented. Anyways, what I believe NOW is that, whether born or convert, no one can judge of who is better/devoted. Faith matters. Good deeds matters.
And about the chances of leaving Islam by the converts, it may be relatively small (Allah knows best), but this action is what I fear. Born muslims may go off track and the posibility of coming back on track is high, but if converts leave Islam ( after marriage in some cases ), then its the king of sin (Shirk, Apostacy). And then there are those who convert for the sake of marriage etc. I admit that it doesn't make the majority at all. But its somthing to think about. In this site, there were few posts where the converted husband/wife left Islam and it caused huge huge dilemma. Its somthing to be worried about in my opinion. But in the end its my own opinion and I dont want anyone to agree with me. I take precautionary measures anyways.
Inter-cultural marriage does have serious consequences in marriages. For instance, a couple may get married with no problem what so ever. But when kids come, then the husband will want to bring up the kids the way he was brought up, same goes with the wife. Husband may have some different traditional beliefs which the wife may disagree. In case of a white convert, he was brought up as a non-muslim and so there is some aspects in his life which is unIslamic etc. Then the In-laws would come into play. YES, muslims are allowed to marry whomsoever they wish (within shareah limits ofcourse ) But since compatability issue is high, it would be good to advise people to search within their own community FIRST and then go out.
Just for the sake of peace marriage and understanding.
i agree with you Amy.i think it will take some time to break the barriers our ummah carries.alhamdulillah its a lot better than what it was 20yrs ago.inshallah our generation and the kids in our generation are changing the views and will continue to change the mind sets.
no white is superior to black and no black is superior to white. no arab is superior to non-arab and no non-arab is superior to arab.we are superior to each other only in taqwa and piousness( which is only truly known to Allah).
we keep forgetting that prophet Mohammed married in different tribes/countries to set an example for us for this very reason.also some of his wives were converts.
Well said sister, I totally agree.
AsSalaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh,
علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ
I really like your advice to this Sister. Except that this part is very serious, where you said:
("If they are still abusive and ignorant, then if you wish, you may take a safe route by staying far from them as getting beatings from parents unjustly is the last thing a person needs. By that time you will be 20 yrs old and you may find a job and be independent. But do not do this until and unless you try your level best to convince your parents to cancel this fixed marriage.")
I know it is wrong for her parents to abuse her in any case. But if they still abuse her that should not give her the way to leave the whole family completely. Because staying with your family and getting abused by them is better than leaving them and living on your own (As you are unmarried Muslim woman). Living alone outside could even be more dangerous. It could be the chance to opening many doors of Shytaan into your life, and you may end up doing the worse thing. May Allah forbid this! In fact, there are a lot of Sisters out there who tried the same, but they found themselves being lost and mislead by the temptations of Shytaan, and some even ended up getting into mutual relationships with none Muslims. May Allah forbid this!
What I think you should do in case your parents continue to abuse you is, to get your Imams and Sheikh get involved in this by talking to your family.
And if your Imams/Sheikhs look into your matter and it turn out that your family is unreasonable by forcing you to marry this man, and then you can at that point let the Imams/Sheikhs find a good practicing Muslim brother and marry you to him. That would be the best way to leave your family.
Also, I am a born Muslim, but I have come to understand that most convert Muslims are more religious than most of the born Muslims. And I realize that the reason is because, the born Muslims are Muslims just because they were raised that way, and most of them cannot even tell you why they practice Islam or why Islam is the best religion. Whereas most of the Convert Muslim, actually reverted to Islam by learning and understanding it themselves, and they are able to tell you why they think Islam is the right religion and why they practice it.
So you are free to marry any convert Muslim brother if you see that he is religious and that you like him. But do not consider the "White" to be the case. Just consider the Deen, and accept it when you find it in either the "White" "Blacks" "Asians" or whatever the races it might be.
Hope this helps Insha'Allah
And Allah knows best.
Wa'alaykumsalam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh Issah,
Yup you're right about the chances of straying if one abandons their family. I didn't advise abandonment either, rather be independant and stay away from her family for mental peace, every mature woman have rights to do that if their own home is a hell. No one deserves to be treated terribly, especially the innocent ones and then forced to marry a 'bad' guy in her view. This is what the OP has to say, "When I told them my family violently, physically, emotionally, mentally abused me, I get beaten like everyday ", "Seriously lyk im mentally depressed", " IM SUFFERING SO MUCH ". I told her to remain silent right now because she is only 18, but in 2 yrs from now, before the proposed marriage date, she'll be 20 with more knowledge and experiance about her situation and she could handle them more maturely. Even if she denys this marriage, she said " My mum said wen I say no she will kick me out the house ", on both sides of the coin, it'll be out of the house, therefore its best if she wait for 1.5 - 2 yrs before her mum becomes violent when she deny this marriage or somthing good can happen by Allah's mercy. I've also advised her to not leave the house untill and unless she did her level best to convince her parents to cancel this marriage.
Hope I clear my stance.
Thankyou sooo much sister but im 19 and still in the same position I am in 2 years ago unfortunatley.