Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Money over Marriage?

jobless, seeking work, employment, money issues

Salam,

I am 22-year-old girl. Actually I was in a relationship with a guy since 11th grade and had been physical with him except zina and undressing. Our relationship was 5 years long. He has an egg selling shop and my father/mother had government job, brother had medical, and another is an engineer.

3 years back the guy talked to my mother and she said him to set a medical then after we'll see whether to say yes or no. He accepted as he wanted to marry me. His family is eager to make him marry but were waiting for me as my father wants me to have a job first . Due to some contradiction, guy and I had argument and he said to end it up and told his family that we are no more together now.

They'll not wait (he also will not say to them to wait) and they'll make him marry with someone else.

After the argument I said all this to my mother about my physical relation with him and roaming around with him and she got angry and directly rejected him as he has no suitable earning. My father want me to have job and then only he'll let me marry otherwise not. But I want to get married. If my family gets ready soon then guy's family will let us marry but they won't wait now for long. But I want to marry him as I was physical and have fear that as everyone knows about our relationship so far, no guy will marry me.

But my mother is not asking it to my father nor my brother and I can't ask him directly about this. What is the solution to this mess? I want him but he don't want me. I want him but my brother and mother are not allowing as my father won't ever allow . They want me to have a job and if I refuse, my father abuses me verbally and doesn't talk to me . He abuse my mother and brother because of my decision of not doing job. He is so stubborn and rigid and arrogant that no human alive can influence him. He does not respect imam or maulana so I can't take their help nor any relatives as he cut off relation with all relatives. We are only just up to "salam" with relatives and nothing else. What could the solution be? Please help.

kj

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2 Responses »

  1. Why don't you get hired?? AS SOON AS YOU GET A JOB, YOUR PARENTS WILL ALLOW YOU TO MARRY HIM AFTER MARRYING HIM YOU LEAVE THE JOB SIMPLE.

  2. Asalamualaykum Sister kj,

    You write:

    "They'll not wait (he also will not say to them to wait) and they'll make him marry with someone else."

    Do you know this for a fact or is this just something you fear? Did your love interest tell you this? That he would go along with it if they were to find him someone else? If not, don't worry about it.

    "[M]y mother...directly rejected him as he has no suitable earning. My father want me to have job and then only he'll let me marry otherwise not."

    Sister, I'm going to have to agree with your parents here. If neither of you have earnings, how do you plan to pay for food, shelter, etc? What if you were to have children soon after getting married and couldn't take care of their basic needs? You have to think about these responsibilities. There are cases where it's best to get married...for example if there is danger that you will commit zina. Sometimes it's even preferable over school, job, in those cases. But I don't see much urgency in your case. You mention that you haven't had sexual intercourse, so you could probably control yourself until you and/or he get a job.

    "But I want to marry him as I was physical and have fear that as everyone knows about our relationship so far, no guy will marry me."

    Fear that "no guy will marry [you]" should never be the reason for marriage. Allah has created us in pairs, and you will get married or not based on Allah's decree alone. You have much life still left to live and don't know who Allah will place in your path. If this guy doesn't work out, then rest assured that Allah has someone better planned for you, as when Allah takes something away, He always replaces with something better. 🙂

    All in all, I would recommend that you not do anything in a rush merely out of fear. Think about what your parents are saying, as it sounds like they mean well and want the best for you, Inshallah. If this brother is meant to be your husband, he will still be there after you/he get an income. If not, then he was never the right one. Definitely do not continue to do anything physical with him. Its best that you sort all this out through your mom, as she is not as stubborn as your dad and may be willing to talk to the boys family and see where he stands.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

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