I want my wife to come and live with me again, but her father won’t allow it
Sallam,
May praise be to Allah and upon you. I have a situation in my life which i would like an answer for from an islamic point of view.
I have been married for 3 yrs, live in australia and have a 1.5 yr son and another on its way in 3 months. My relation with my wife has been of unrest and bitter fighting since day 1. We always compormised and continued on. Since the last 1 yr my wife has on 2 occasions almost walked out of the house but somehow I stopped her and warned her not to repeat it.
When she did it again for the third time, I sent her home to india with my son to my parents house, but she didn't go there. She was taken to her maternal house from the airport by her parents, didn't return here from them for 3 months and my dad tried his best to reconcile us and she agreed to return to my parents home in india.
Since she is pregnant and i'm facing many hardships being a bachelor and missing my son, i initiated communication and asked her to return to Australia by the 17th march with my parents (who were coming to australia for a holiday). I told her clearly that if you dont return I will have to leave you.
She was eager to come back to australia but her parents have stopped her from coming. I spoke to her dad, he wants me to come to india talk things out and then take her. I am not in a position to go and I dont want to go either, I have told the father, "you have no right to interfere and if you dont send her, you will be responsible for my future actions."
I have had enough trouble from my wife, my parents are not happy with her. She doesnt listen to me and she is not reliable either.
My Question is:
1 - what is your ruling on the girl's father interfering and stopping the wife to return to her husband?
2 - what is your ruling, when the husband commands her wife to return and she doesnt?
3 - can I divorce my wife on this basis or if not divorce, remarry another for my needs to be fulfilled?
Appreciate a reply.
Jazakallah,
Yasser
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Asalaam alaikum Br.Yasser,
Brother, I have to be honest: where is your ahklaaq, your kindness and your love for your wife? Your message to the father sounds like a threat, and your wife is pregnant and deserves more consideration for her situation that you are allowing. It is my opinion that her father is making a very worthy request as he wants to gauge your seriousness and demeanor regarding his daughter. For was it not you who took her out of her father's house only to send her away when you got upset? Now you wish to leave her while she is pregnant, after you sent her away, because your short shortsightedness did not see the fallout of doing such a thing and because you're horny? You also wish to abdicate responsibility for her and blame it on the father who is trying to secure her future in this unstable situation?
Get off your high horse for a bit and see the situation through the eyes of a pregnant wife who is carrying your baby! What has that unborn baby done to deserve such abandonment from you? Where is your sympathy to a woman who you cared to have sex with to impregnate her, but not love her enough to go to her? You want to plan for remarriage when you cannot even fulfill this current marriage? May Allah (swt) forgive you.
You must first humble yourself before Allah (swt) and then too, in this current situation. You need to control your tongue, anger and adjust your attitude accordingly to fit with the pure manners of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw). Do you think you have ever endured as much oppression as he did? No. So what gives you the right to act so contemptuous towards your wife who shared your bed, laid with you and brought you pleasure? Why are you so quick to disregard the mother of your children and toss her away back and forth when your whims desire? Do you walk mightier on Earth than the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) ever did? May Allah (swt) forgive that!
Once you adopt the true nature of the Prophet of Islam, then it will become clear to you that you must make amends to your wife and her family. Be humble and gracious and know that your wife is a loan and a gift from Allah (swt). Place this thought in your heart and mind to seek the Right Path. Go to your wife, talk reasonably and kindly to her father and make a REAL commitment to create a harmonious life with your wife.
Salaams,
I just want to say up front, the advice given on this website are not "rulings". None of us are scholars or imams, we are just laypeople with limited and general knowledge about sharia who are trying to help others improve their lives and families.
To be honest, I believe professor X gauged your situation the same as most of us would. I would just like to add that yes, her father does have the right to continue to act on the interests of his daughter. Assuming he was and remains her wali, that will continue to be his function until the day he dies. Unfortunately, just because a lady marries doesn't mean that her spouse or her spouse's family are going to look out for her needs and wellbeing the way her own father would, so he is acting accordingly to try to settle the dispute in a way that would be respectful and valuing to her. In addition to that, when a couple can't work out their differences Islamically, they are advised to bring in extended family to help them resolve the matter. That would mean not just your family, but hers as well. If you are trying to circumvent that process by only having her work with you or your kin, it seems to indicate you don't really have the high regard for your wife or your marriage that you should.
Also, you say that you sent her away strictly because she left the house against your wishes 3 times. Now, I am not sure why she left the house, but the way you described it I envisioned it being a situation where the two of you were fighting and she left for a walk to cool off. To be honest, if that's what happened she was doing the right thing. Most counselors or marriage therapists would tell a couple to put some space between them if they are having trouble with constant arguments, and taking a walk often helps an upset person get some perspective. If you guys have had a history of fighting, it doesn't seem fair to make her sit in the house and stew in her emotions just so you can feel in control of what's going on. If she does come back to you, at least agree to give her enough space to take a walk or go to a friend's house if the situation is becoming overwhelming. The same would apply to you as it would to her.
All in all, you seem to have this perception that women are to obey every command of the husband with little regard to their state or needs at the time. Marriage was never intended to work that way, and although women are admonished to show constant respect for their husbands, husbands are also advised to treat their wives with the utmost sensitivity and consideration. You can't expect her to be unflinching in her duties to you if you have been lacking in your duties to her. You will always have the right to take another wife, or even to divorce your wife if you want, but for you to do so based on the situation at hand would prove that you are still missing the bigger picture and would likely find just as much dissatisfaction in your next marriage as you are finding in this one.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yasser
You say, "I have had enough trouble from my wife, my parents are not happy with her. She doesn't listen to me and she is not reliable either".
I say, "congrats to her father for being a man and stepping up to do what is right by his daughter". Your wife is a human being Yasser and should be treated kindly with love and respect. Her father is doing the right thing by not tossing her onto a plane with your parents whom you say aren't happy with her. Chances are, the two of you will be at each others throats in no time from the sound of your relationship.
I will pray for both of you to either work things out in a peaceful manner or end things amicably.
Salam