My boyfriend wants me to wear the hijab
I am a Muslim girl who grew up in a relaxed environment in terms of religion. And my boyfriend is from .., he and his family is very strict about Islam. When we met I wasn't religious at all and he declared his love to me for a long time.
I didn't want to start a relationship as I knew we had different backgrounds and this would cause problems in the future.
Now we have been dating for about 2 years and over the course of two years I have been changed a lot and even start to practise religion. But I am not wearing hijab as it will interfere with my career and also I dont want to wear the hijab. Do you have to wear the dress code in Islam, is it possible to be a good Muslim without wearing hijab?
In my country people are quite mixed but still it is not allowed to wear hijab in the workplace unless it is a private institution/company owned by religious people. My BF's family is pressuring him they don't want him to plan a future with me until I accept wear hijab. Also he believes in the importance of hijab. We have everything going well except this issue. I dont want to let him go just because of hijab. What can i do to save our relationship except wearing hijab.
Thank you
- Papatya
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As salamu alaykum, papatya,
This is a strange question, because his family is worried about you not wearing hijab, but don´t care about the fact of his son dating you during two years, I would think about this.
What I have to tell you is that dating is prohibited in Islam and wearing hijab is compulsory.
If you want to save your relationship, this is not a question of what you can do, I think that with their claims they are telling what they want you to do, then you will have consequences if you don´t do it, you are not submiting, but what I would ask myself after this, it is what is going to be the next claim?
His family is stopping him to marry you after two years of dating his son, do they know your parents? Have they made a formal proposal to your family? They haven´t done the proper approach to marry you, please search a bit more about the right intention of your boyfriend and talk to him if he knows about what you have learnt today. If he doesn´t he may change his priorities, insha´Allah.
Please see which are their real intentions towards you, this way you will know what to do, insha´Allah.
In some work places they are very strict related to hijab, in others they don´t mind that you have it if you don´t wear it while working, but the need of wearing hijab I think has to come from your Heart, cannot be imposed, it is a very serious personal issue.
If you want to look for Allah´s guidance in this situation, I will advice you to perform Istikhara, you have on the top of this page a link with Istikhara, you will learn all you need in there, insha´Allah.
I am sorry for not being of more help, I hope you solve your situation, insha´Allah.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
There is a post that may help you, insha´Allah.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/if-you-dont-pray-are-you-muslim/
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I just wanted to add that it appears this muslimah is from France. In France it's illegal to wear hijab at the work place for it's a public institution. It isn't about your skirt getting in he way, but more so about expressing your religion- necklaces with crosses are also banned even thought france is majority christian. If I was this girl I would dress modesty sans a headscarf, and wear a headscarf once I'm outside the school/work place. It's a very difficult compromise to make, but the other choice could be jstarving since she lack a salary or something horrid.
Religious yet dating? I would not say religious then. Also, I do not understand why it is ok for you to date yet not for you not to wear the scarf. To me, I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like some people pick and choose what they like in religion. Yes, the scarf is compulsory.
Salaams Mel
How do you know that this person may even pray 5 times a day, and have a really good heart (dil), does good deeds and has a strong imaan towards Allah then one who wears a scarf might be weak. You don’t actually know nether do I. BUT don’t judge others just because they are not the same as you or believe too extreme because there situation may be different to yours.
Papatya,
As someone who was pressured into wearing hijab, I will most gladly comment on your post. I too did not wear hijab for my own reasons which I felt was no ones business simply because I will answer to a higher power for my deeds and wrong doings. I pray to Allah to have mercy on me and forgive my transgressions every day. I did not want to wear the hijab and from the day I finally gave in, I regretted my decision almost immediately. My reasoning here is, your desire to cover your hair must come from your heart, not because your boyfriend is pressuring you to. To think that because you cover your hair makes you a better Muslim is silly. I know of Muslim friends who cover their faces, hands and feet and still back bite each chance they get which is highly haram in Islam.
Five years later I removed my hijab, am I proud...no, not at all. I felt naked and ashamed but evidently not so ashamed that I put it back on. I know my choice is not the right choice and in fact haram but nevertheless...it is my choice. Is it possible to be a good Muslim without wearing hijab you ask, I think so. I may not cover my hair but in every other aspect of my life I am caring, loving to my family, helpful to my neighbors and involved in my community and I believe Allah will judge me on those qualities as well.
I ask Allah for forgiveness for not following his command and who knows, maybe I will put my hijab back on but the next time I do, it will be because I chose to and not because I was pressured into doing so.
As for your friends family, how is it that you were good enough whilst you didn't cover and now you need to cover in order to be good enough to marry?! Whatever your choice in the matter may be, it is your choice. Do it because you fear the wrath of Allah, not the wrath of your boyfriend and his family.
Salaams Papatya
Najahs advice is spot on and one I can really relate too. I strongly agree with this and sister Najah has even open doors for me to realise not everyone is the same level as YOU. We all have different reasons and different needs and that should be respected. No one should be made to do something they don’t feel comfortable with the truth should be in the heart not what everyone else has or want you to be.
On a point in regards to dating may be haraam in Islam but it is alright for many people to commit such disgusting acts before marriage? For others whilst fixing an arrange marriage to lie, cheat and not be true to themselves. Where is the justice in that are you actually gaining any honesty in this until bad apples come out it is too late to even resolve the situation. Why judge another before not even speaking to them to their face what’s wrong with people why so much hate and negativity. Time after time I have seen so many Muslim sisters in this situation and others who don’t wear a hijab do such acts that I can never do and sit there and think WHY you making a bad example to others who don’t not even step out the mark at least have respect for yourself in using polite language, and be true to yourself etc.
I don’t see a big deal in this he met you whilst you are dating and you never wore a hijab. You need to ask them why all the issue they have changed on you. I pray inshallah for you and your partner sticks up for you and this gets resolved because you need to do this for you and be 100% true w/salaams.
Salams Samina,
I never said the girl was not religious, or that she is weak because she does not wear the scarf. My comment was directed at the family, as she obviously believes they are religious, and to me a religious person would not allow "dating" and then get upset over an absent scarf. This makes such little sense to me. It would be more reasonable if they were against dating AND her not wearing the scarf. To me, it seems they have picked what to follow, which is a shame to this sister because they should be setting a good example. I reverted alhamdullilah 2 months after I met my husband. I put on the hijab and abeya on the spot. My in laws set a good example by saying to my husband that very day "she is a Muslim girl, if you do not intend to marry her let her be on her way. She is like a newborn baby and we would not want her to fall into sin." This what I believe is a good example. They did not shut their eyes to the situation, because not only were they afraid of their son falling into haraam but also for me. My husband married me 2 weeks later. I'm not saying all situations are like mine, but I just don't think they are setting a good example, allowing this sister and brother to fall into haraam and only allowing them to get married if she puts on the scarf.
As salamu alaykum,
Masha´Allah Sister Mel, the way your family in law behaved with you is a blessing, Alhamdulillah.
I would love to listen to more experiences like yours, it really gives me hope, Alhamdulillah.
Thank you very much for sharing.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
W/Salaams Mel
Masallah I get your points, WOW you are actually the first revert I know who is ulhumdiallah really lucky to have been blessed with such good in laws and actually worked hard too truly except allah. May you continue to follow Islam and set a good example for your children and husband ameen. You have your strong opinions so do I but I still stand by what I think and said because I don’t know her situation but what I do know is why she feels the way she does and usually that is most of the time fear of the change and forced beyond control to change. One of the major issues around this today is conflicts with the outside world because people do shout abuse to our sisters who do wear hijib and often this puts anger and don’t want to be seen as a negative excuse for others to keep hurting them when they are minding there own business. I guess this is a test for all of us sisters but lying to fake it to fit with everyone else I don’t agree with, this is personal I guess each to there own. Maybe it is true what I think of this topic is completely different due to my own experience and maybe that’s why I refuse to wear one due to my own reasons which mostly is what I written here.
But I am not any less religious to you just because my views are different to yours is my point. I leave that to Allah to judge me on the day of judgement w/salaams.
Wearing the hijab has been a huger inner struggle for me for years. For the longest time I always wanted to wear one and knew deep down that I must wear it but every single time I try shaitaan sends so many whispers to me (what is people discriminate on you, you look ugly in it, what if your husband might not find you pretty and stare at other women—ridiculous thoughts!).
Please can anyone help me, I really want to wear the hijab. I wore it a few years a go but took it off almost immediately as I was so unhappy wearing it (nauzubillah). My main reason was because I felt ugly in it and I know the point of the hijab is to conceal your beauty, but please brothers and sisters any guidance will be appreciated.
Lately, I’ve been really self-talking and telling myself what if I die tomorrow how will I face Allah swt? Yes my other deeds will weigh in but hijab is fard, I can’t disregard this fact and justify it with “but…”. What should I do? I honestly do want to wear the hijab and put my heart and soul to rest inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Assalam O Aalikum Helping Sister,
Sister, I would have asked you to sign in and write a separate post but since it is not really a big question, I will try to answer you logically or with my limited knowledge Insha Allah.
Sister, this is one of the struggles that many sister face when they think to practice wearing hijab. Masha Allah, it's good to see that you are taking this obligation seriously not to please others but to earn the blessings of Allah (swt) the Almighty. Sister, I would recommend that take it slowly as you are trying this for the first time; you don't want to be put off by how people are going to react to this change in you or personally yourself. Sister, it's struggle at personal level as well as how other people around us going to take this change; whether they are going to accept it or whether they will make nasty comments to discourage you from wearing it?
Remember sister! hijab is the beauty of the woman. I would love my wife to wear it once I get married but at the same time I won't force/push her to do that. It has to come from inside her as her personal decision of her own choice rather than she does that for me. There is no mention in any Religious scripture for a woman to put it on for her husband or anyone else but to please Allah (swt) by fulfilling his commandment.
In Quran, word Nisa is used to refer to women; if you look at its meaning; it means SECRET or something HIDDEN. Now only people who are supposed to see you are your mahrams. Hijab is a symbol of respect for woman and also it reflects your identity as a Muslim. Remember sister! anyone including someone who you may be considering as a potential future husband makes comment about your wearing hijab; you should instantly know that he is not the one for you. By wearing a Hijab you are protecting what is his property by coving yourself; isn't it beautiful and something which should be appreciated or encouraged? A Muslim husband has no reason to look at other woman whether they are covered or not. Seriously sister, try it for Allah (swt) and he will provide you with whatever you want especially peace and contentment Insha Allah. Sister, we are supposed to do whatever pleases Allah (swt) not people around you. A serious question for you; HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW AROUND YOU WHO ARE TRULY LIKED BY ALL OTHERS? There will always be people who will have something to say; regardless of right or wrong; true or false; know that they are just judgemental type whose task is to sit back and nit pick others. As you already know that these are all whispers of Shaytan, and your inside fears.
So, join the sister who are already putting on hijab so that they can help you with your struggles and encourage you to take this beautiful step. They can help you better yourself because they must have gone through all this and now they are masha Allah contented and happy with their choice. I will leave this link for you to read through I hope this will help you Insha Allah.
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=110
May Allah (swt) help you with your struggles and provide you with the means to make the right decision in your life Insha Allah.
Wasalam,
Your brother in Islam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Salam! My name is luana and i have a lot of quewtions on this issue. I have read a lot and years before i wanted to wear it, but now i have a lot of doubts. The point is the boy i like, muslim also, and he likes me too, wants me to wear it. I know i mustn't wear it for him, just for allah . i told him that already but he keeps saying i must put it on anyway . He is very sweet with everything with me but we alwaya have problems in this issue. i think he believes i'm not good muslim if i don't wear it, which i have told him it's not like that becauae i'm nog less muslim . Ans he hasn't the right to judge me. Only god. Also If i wear it it has to be for allah not for a man. He said that if i decide not to put it it means the end. I dont know how to answer him anymore.. please help. Salam
Launa, it sounds to me like the two of you are not compatible. If he wants a religious girl who fears Allah and wears hijab, then he should have gone for such a woman in the first place. Also, we do not have boyfriends and girlfriends in Islam. So your relationship with this boy is on the wrong track. If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Excuse me wael, salam, i fear allah. If i don't interpret hijab like you do it doesn't mean i don't fear allah. Let him judge me. You don"t have to do it vecause you"re human like all of us. We don't do boyfriends stuff, we only talk. No hugs or kisses. But he told me i needed to wear hijab. for him. which ig is wrong so i said no. That's it
salamualaikum..masha'allah i have alot of knowledge to know in this forum i sallut mis naja ..ang mis mel..masha'allah..may allah guide us in the ryt path..
The first time i put on a scarf i was 14teen and it was nothing to do with religion just copying a popular girl in school and so did some of my friend even a non muslim lol she became muslim many years later Maasha'Allah,anyway that did not last long the next time i was 18yrs and went to middle east to visit family and came back thinking yes i will keep this up i didnt then my mother died and i started taking life and the deen more seriously going to masjid and taking lessons still the hijab was on and off it took me till i was 27 years old to put it on and keep it on what helped me put my hijab on this last time was just looking at it as a piece of material and thinking iam i going to let a piece of cloth be my down fall and end up in jahannam i already have enough on my plate without adding this to it, yes i think iam a good person that does good when she can but i no my faults and that iam no where near prefect, so for me to go around with my hair showing as if it has no consequences to the people around little cousins and friends children seeing me and thinking its ok look aunty Zenaa does not wear one and she is a muslim, that alone helps me keep it on Allahamdulilaah now i wear the big black one never thought that would be.
And now my little son would go in to shock if i went outside without one,. sister papatya and Helping sister try your best to see it in a good way and that it has its rewards in this life and the next insha'Allah
Salaam Papatya,
I am sorry that you are in this situation. As the rules regarding hijab and the pre marital relationship are very clear, and have been related on many answers already, I am going to omit this information from my answer - and move straight on to the crux of your question, which is that you are being asked to wear hijab and you currently are not ready for it. Also, as I can see that you are very aware of rules, rights and wrongs - I am going to put these to one side also and just deal with the circumstance you are in. I have seen this situation many times, and I know many Muslim couples, some of whom wear hijab and some of whom do not wear hijab - and in each circumstance it is clear that the happiness of both husband and wife regarding the level of Islamic practice in the household does have a long-term impact on the success of the couple. Therefore, there is a big difference between "husband want's me to wear hijab" and "husband's parent's want me to wear hijab" and the impact this has on the couple, both long and short term.
If this man has already got this far with regards to requesting marriage and speaking to his parents about you and trying to make some kind of marriage happen, it means that already he has accepted you and decided to marry you as you are. Now that his family are kicking up a fuss, he is asking you to wear hijab and it appears that his main motivation for asking you this is to advance towards marriage without a fight, and to gain the approval of his family by removing this obstacle. In short: it appears that he is sincere about marriage.
In light of the assumption that he is indeed sincere about marriage, and has accepted you without hijab. I cannot see any reason why he would not marry you if you are not ready to adhere to these rules yet. If you give in (insincerely) and you put on the hijab just to save some pain and heartache - you will fast become highly comfortable and you will begin to feel resentment and entrapment regarding this (as the lady above who wore hijab under pressure, only to remove it later). I am quite sure that putting on hijab now, only to remove it after marriage will cause more harm to you, your relationship and your relationship with your in-laws than not putting it on at all in the first place.
Therefore my advice to you is to explain to your intended that with the greatest respect to he and his family, and with absolutely no bad intention whatsoever: you are highly uncomfortable with making such a big decision for the wrong reasons and therefore it is not possible for you to do this as it would be insincere and uncomfortable for you and you are not positive that if you put it on right now that it will stay on for the rest of your life (because you are being pushed to make a decision under pressure - and pressure is not the ideal environment under which to make lifelong commitments).
Your husband will then have a situation in his hands - he can either accept you and appeal to his parents and insist that they meet you / get to know you / accept you or he can reject you entirely. If he rejects you, his rejection will not be a sincere rejection as he has requested this on behalf of his parents (and not himself) - which shows that he is OK with you as you are at the moment. If he decides to go forward to his family - then you can expect some emotional fireworks, and stress.
Ultimately, it is better to be sincere and authentic about yourself and to do this you must adhere to what is your personal truth at all times, and if you are not ready for such a commitment: than this is the truth and this is what you must stick to. It is better to be sincere and real about yourself, then to be insincere and inauthentic and do something when you do not want to.
Whatever damage comes of this situation - regarding the boy, his family and the relationship you have together - is ultimately caused by a disobedience of the initial rules regarding the pre-marital relationship, and now you will have to go through difficult situation after difficult situation until the two of you can bring yourselves back to a state of Islamic behaviour. Now, unfortunately, you are two years in: and really - it is difficult now to gain halal status because you are starting the process at the end instead of at the beginning.
For you, the best case scenario would be to return to the Islamic way which is to hold back completely and remove yourself from a state of intimacy with him. Explain that you are who you are, and who you are is not going to wear hijab out of pressure. State clearly that if he wants to have a halal relationship with you - he is free to contact you with a proposal, or else leave you be - because you are not going to have a haram relationship any longer, especially now the promise of marriage is being severely threatened. Then, you wait.
During this period, the boy will have some thinking to do and in this thinking he will decide whether he can marry you or not. It is absolutely essential that during this time you observe the Islamic rules and return to the Islamic way of being - maintain the prayers, practice religion in the best way that you can, and have faith in Allah that whatever happens is what is best for you and come to Allah. After a period of time (can be days, can be weeks) you will receive your answer from this boy - who will make his intention clear, and who will make the future of this relationship known to you and to his family.
This will be hard for you, but Allah have sent these guidelines for our benefit and they do help. The only way to know what another's intention is - is to remove yourself wholeheartedly from any influence over them, adhere to the absolute truth at all times, come to Allah, pray and practice to the best of your ability and wait patiently for a response / reaction, whilst making it clear in your heart and mind that whatever happens: you will not repeat mistakes you have made again, and that you accept the consequences of your actions wholeheartedly, without complaint. Then, you wait for however long it is necessary for you to wait and you busy yourself with wholesome actions to occupy your mind.
This is my advise to you.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Salaams,
I just came across this thread after some soul searching sans google, and thought I would add my story too... Well, I'm from a very relaxed and moderate Muslim family and have never had any pressure on me to wear hijaab. My family are Sunni Muslim and placed more emphasis on hijaab as a mindset and a way of life; the incorporation of modesty into words, deeds and actions and not necessarily a piece of cloth upon the head. I hope Allah is pleased with me, and sees that I try to keep my heart clean; that I do not flaunt my beauty to attract male attention, and keep my gaze away from what is not my own. Basically, I met a Muslim man I met through work a couple of months ago. He is a revert to Islam and practised as a Salafi Muslim for the first five years of his journey as a Muslim. On our third date we spoke about having our nikaah read so that we could have a halaal courtship; the idea was we would continue to live separately and date post-nikaah until we felt we knew each other well enough to move in together. On this evening, he said the only thing he wanted me to do for him was to wear a hijaab. I agreed to wear one from nikaah, and thought that i would be able to do it out of love for him, at the time seeing it as something very romantic.
I started wearing hijaab a week before the nikaah, which was last Thursday, mainly because I started a new job (I'm a high school English teacher) and I thought it befitting for them to see me with my new identity. I have gradually been feeling my self confidence diminishing during the time before nikaah due to his constant criticism of my personality, the way I laugh, the 'stupid' things I say etc... I had hoped that things would settle down after nikaah but actually they have got worse. I don't want to go into too many details but just to give the reader an idea, on our second night as man and wife he woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me he felt 'trapped by love'. Because I didn't explore that feeling with him immediately, he went into a bad mood, walked out of the bedroom, and ignored me for hours. Eventually, he came into the room and started to rant at me about how he felt that I never listened to him, and i was very insensitive to his feelings etc etc... We were supposed to be going to a friend's graduation and he kept talking on and on until I had just ten minutes to get ready. As I started to get ready he suggested that I wear what I had worn to bed as it looked really nice (it was a kameez with pyjama bottoms). Stupidly, I went along with his suggestion. I also wore no make up, wore a hijaab that kept slipping off my head, and generally looked dishevelled and totally out of place in an environment where everybody else had made the effort to look smart and presentable (including the hijaabi sisters). I tried not to be bothered by how uncomfortable and unpresentable i felt, and determined to enoy my day out with him, my new life partner (ahem!). After the graduation, we went to the museum, where he got angry with me for not disclosing that I had been there before. I have been trying to be patient with this man, because despite his many failings he has a good heart, and we share some really beautiful moments (when he's not being an a**hole he's reallly lovely - excuse my language), but something inside me snapped, and I gave him some home truths (told him exactly how I feel and think about how he has been towards me). We argued for what felt like days, but what was in real time probably a couple of hours, during which time he repeatedly said to me, 'when we get back to mine get your things and go'.Sos, we got back to his and I started putting my things together. He was still being very angry and argumentative and I refused to talk to him while he was being aggressive in his manner. He then tried to get me to stay by saying there was a rule that Muslim men and women have to spend the first three nights together after nikaah or the marriage is voided (I think this is nonsense, personally, but didnt argue the point). I insisted that i wanted some space, and he said if I left it was over between us. I carried on getting ready, putting my make up on etc, and decided that I wasn't prepared to wear the hijaab any more as it felt like it was a means of control and not about my relationship with my Creator.
After I left he text me saying it was all over between us and he wanted to talk to me to sort the practicalities out. I let him know that I needed some time and would contact him tomorrow, and then he brought the 'removing the hijaab' issue into the argument, stating that my removing it had destroyed the marriage. The day before, he had gotten annoyed about my 'lack of presence' and threw his wedding ring at me. When I brought that up he denied it had the same importance... I have text him today asking if we can speak and he has ignored my text. On the one hand, I feel like if it doesn't work out it's probably for the best, but on the other I feel like I don't want to giveup on my marriage after only three days. I can handle the embarrassment of telling my family that it hasn't worked out, and am pretty certain that this is one of his mood swings and he will calm down and see the light. Why am I accepting of his bad temper and criticism, I hear you all asking? Well, he was abused and severely neglected as a child, and I understand that having love in his life is difficult for him to handle, and that there are going to be certain bumps to be endured for the greater good, inshallah. What I'm not prepared to do is endure abuse or bullying, from anyone, and that's how I have been feeling - like I'm subtly being mentally abused and violated through his verbal attacks.
I felt it was necessary to give all this background info so the reader can appreciate the context of my situation, but really my main question is.... As a muslim woman, do I have to wear the hijaab if my husband asks me? I have placed no conditions upon him, put a token amount of payment in my nikaah (786 pence), and will be contributing equally towards rent and bills when/if I move in with him. I'm now wishing I had said £10,000 just to make him value me a little more, and not be able to get a divorce so easily... but inshallah, my faith is with my Allah. I would like to know where I stand Islamically because I have determined not to wear hijaab now until/unless the desire to do so springs from my own heart, and not my desire to please a man...
Dear Ayesha,
Please log in and submit your question as a separate post.
Thank you
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I knew you were turkish from the moment you said "ur not allowed to wear it in the workplace" and ur name just sealed the deal. bence basortu giymek istiyorsan, boyfriend'in icin degil, allah icin olmasi lazim.
good luck sis
This shows that the boy's family is more concerned about outward image (ex. Cloth Hijab) than actual behavior (ex. not having relationships). This type of family will probably come up with more and more demands in the future. It might be that they are just looking for a reason to exclude you.
I just had one thought. At the start she said she grew up in a relaxed atmosphere. Her boyfriend was from a strict family.
She said she did not want to start a relationship in the beginning because she knew their different backgrounds would cause problems in the future.
Now they are here and they have the already foreseen problem. She wants to save the relationship but not wear hijab.
I would say then it is time to end this, and find someone for both of you, more compatible.