My husband ignores my physical and emotional needs.
Assalamualaikum sisters..
I have been going through a tough time since I got married. It has been 13 years of our marriage but my husband is not inclined towards sex. During the first 3 years we had it twice as a result I have two daughters.
I was 19 when I got married now I am 33, sometimes I don't feel like a married woman. I look after his needs, he is a kind man, I respect him a lot but he lives in his own world.
I have been talking to him in detail how important it is to strengthen and nurture our relationship, I have been creating ways I can make him realise about my being but every thing seems to fade away...........I have to suppress my feelings by offering Nafl.
Ulfat
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Dear Ulfat, Walaykumsalaam,
I am shocked at your situation and amazed at your patience. Your husband is clearly not fulfilling your marital needs and rights and you have been living like this for fourteen years? SubhaanAllah.
Sister - really, you don't need to or deserve to be suffering like this, do you? You have not given much detail so its difficult to specific. But if you are feeling this bad, then its time you have that all important chat with your husband and lay the cards on the table. Tell him how you feel and that the way you are both living is not normal. Your marriage should be a place of warmth, security, love and compassion and you should certainly not be feeling sexually deprived. Does your husband have a medical condition? Is he depressed? Has he ever expressed a concern about these matters himself? Is he pining over a lost love? Are you both inclined towards deen? If not, this would be a good time to turn to Allah. He(swt) is the holder and giver of all Blessings.
Anyhow, 'TALK', without holding back. Its the only way to get to the root of the issue. Once you know what that is, you can start trying to find a way forward.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, sister Ulfat,
Thank you very much for sharing.
I agree with Sister Z, maybe a physical condition behind his lack of sexual desire, he may not even suspect that this is not normal, because he has been always like this., the fact is that there is people that don´t have the need of physical approach due to some imbalance in their hormones, conditions such as thyroid disorders (which controls most hormone production, including sex hormones) can lower libido.
Can be many reasons beyond the lack of sexual drive, but first of all, your husband must acknowledge he has a problem, not having sexual desire, and this is tough, because sexual issues goes directly to his self steem as man, and you will need all the love, care and Allah(swt)´s help to be able to bring forward this issue and don´t make him feeling deeply down.
Can be psycological reasons, too, but I will approach the physical condition first and second the psycological, but you will see, when you talk to him what you both think about it.
I admire your sabr, Masha´Allah but now it is time to move and take decisions for real, may Allah(swt) guide us to the right steps. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamu Alikum,
Have you tried to be creative in inciting him to have sex? Maybe after the years, you need some spice in your marriage.
There are many ways to bring back the passion if it is not a physical problem. You are are still young- get some new clothes, massages, props, food, you catch my drift... Start it off, and see if you get him interested again. There are are lots of sources, even free books from the library that can get you started- you dont have to pay a cent- for some new tips and techniques.
As well, try to do activities together and do things that make both of you happy- not just routine activities. Go rock climbing, go try a new food, go on a hike together,just do something fun! Doing new things can connect you again and try to see what you both saw in eachother in the first place.
This is important because couples that are not connected mentally-it is hard to be connected physically.
All the best sister.
As-Salamu Alaikum sis,
How do you manage? I am in a similar situation but I have been married 4 years. I've tried everything, even leaving him for a week but theres no change. The worst thing is were so close. We talk about everything but he just wont fulfill my needs. He is either too tired or eaten too much blah blah blah. I dont know how much longer I can take it. We do have sex but only once a month or twice. i really dont know what to do or how much more I can take. It scares me when I think about what it'll be like in 10 years time.
I am married from 1year and next 3month later it will be 2years.but I am staying with him 6month..he is not interested in sex.i am 23years old.t told him so many times that I just need love and care that's all.and I gave you my whole life for you.but whenever he angry he stop talking with me.he act with me like I am nothing for him.i want a child and also wants to try for a baby but whenever my ovulation date come to the door he start fighting with me without any reason.even he dnt get realised that he hurt someone by his words.after that he stay in the phone all day .i feel like I am going to be mentally sick.
i m also suffering from this matter. and the right anser is silent . one day he will come to you.
As salamu alaykum sisterzz,
I agree with brother Soul, sister if you remain silent he won´t ever know about your needs, Allah(swt) is listening to you, but you have to act to see solutions. Talk to him about it and if he has any physical or phsycological problem, tell him to let you know and you will solve it together, you can go to the doctor, to sexual counselling, there are many ways open to find solutions but you have to act, you have to move, staying quietly praying on silent won´t solve your situation if you don´t act.
Thoughts, words and acts are the steps to materialize anything in this world, you are now between thoughts and words, you can go to the next step, insha´Allah, communication and looking for solutions, you can do it sister, insha´Allah
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAsnwers.com Editor
Man will never understand women if they don't talk . Talk to your husband for your rights ....
I seriously don't understand woman these days . If you are not satisfied then ask your husband . Why you are still silent . Do you think asking for sex from your husband will sound desperate and slutty .. Of course not ..... For Allah's sake he is your husband. To be frank , you are wasting your life by not enjoying the God gifted activity . He is ordered by Allah to fulfill your needs .....
Go and talk to him ....
Sorry to be too explicit and blunt .
Do you think it is easy? NO i did my best to let him understand. Ask him if he has any problem let me go to doc o talk to a councillor . I begged him cried but nothing works.. I have gone crazy..but for my son what choice do i have? Now it's ok for me. After 8yers m normal now. If he want he will ask. If not m out of it. I m doing my duty best for Allah . For my son. But inside m dying.. waiting for jannath. In sha Allah I will smile there. I know theses kind of man they don't understand. No matter what u try. I even got help from a marriage councillor .. but nothing works. I don't want get a divorce.. so there is no solution other than doing our job best for Allah and kids.
anam, if you want a detailed response you should log in and write your question as a separate post. My short answer to you is that you need to have a frank discussion with your husband and find out what's going on. Perhaps he has become impotent and is embarrassed to tell you. If you have gained a lot of weight, perhaps he does not find you sexually attractive. Or maybe there is some other reason, but the only way to find out is to ask him.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I am in a similar situation i have been married for nearly 6 years we have a daughter that is severely disabled. My husband has always neglected all my needs in marriage. Its so hard because i love him so much, the daily pain i suffer from being rejected is so painful. He can be such a bully and never has my back. We hardly sleep together at all its been like once every few months. I have recently found out i am pregnant 10 weeks or so and he doesn't want the baby. He said i can get rid of it before 120 days, even though i have been struggling the last few months sickness etc he has just ignored the whole thing. I i have pain when getting up or make any suggestion i am pregnant he will amke a mock of me and what i did. Its so hurtful and I seriously don't know what to do.
Asslamolaikum
I have been going through same situation,i got married in January 2015, but after marriage my husband not inclined towards sex, he not fulfill my needs,what can I do?He is kind ,i love him alot,I respect him ,i wanna know this answer from islamic way,what Allah say about this situation?
Plz reply me .
I'm suffering from Same condition but a lil bit different I don't know what to do I'm only 23 n I have been married for 2 years my husband was 14 days with me thn he went back UK n it's not that easy to get a visa but he didn't come to meet me again in this period of two years I'm a girl who like to watch dreams he was really nice to me here n was really romantic but after going back he is a change person on call he says he will be same when we will be together but I'm worried like why he never talk to me romantically we just talk like we are cousins n he doesn't have much time for me but he rings me daily I don't know what to do is taking divorce is a good option or not I mean I need love I need someone who lookafter me I mean I'm 23 I can find someone else now n my hubby is 23 too kindly tell me what to do
Assalam o alaikum..
I am also suffering from this situation.It had been three years to my marriage.After having a child we have done nothing since my kid was born except uper sex(jst hugging n kissing)..Even i've talkrd to him clearly ..bt every time he made excuses that what if another time il b pregnant as my boy is 2 years yet..n refuses..
I'm tensed coz he lives abroad..so how is he controlling!
Assalam walekum
My problem is my husband is not talking to me not interacting physically also he is least intrested getting angry everytime not in good mood always quite and in his own world can u plz help what's the problm actually
i love my husband...
Maryam, please submit your post or comment in English.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor