Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t like my husband; how to end this misery?

Where is the love  Logo by Keablr %photo

Salams,

I have been married for more than 2 years. my husband has erectile dysfunction for which he takes medication. although he is a good man with occasional bad habits like burping loud and passing wind infrnt of me i do not like him let alone love him. he says he likes me and takes care of me too. i don't know whether i dnt like him coz of his problem .im miserable.

pls help me,

S.A


Tagged as: , , ,

31 Responses »

  1. My dear sister, I advise you to seek out an older knowledgeble trustworthy lady in your community or imam and speak with him/her and then see what you should do.

    Im not for divorce but either you need a solution to your problem OR you need to end the marriage. continuing life in misery is not the best option.

  2. Assalamualaikum,

    Sister, are you serious? Burping and passing wind make you dislike him?

    I heard of this man some days ago, who was supposed to get married to this lady. He had a kidney failure and the lady's parents wanted to reconsider the marriage decision.

    This is what the lady said: what if this had happened with me and he would have left me? I will wait until he is operated and gets well.

    Subhanallah, ask yourself sister. If you had an illness and he disliked you for it, how would you feel? Same applies here. He has an illness which can be cured. He needs your support and love, just like you would have expected support.

    Burps and passing wind are not REASONS for dislike, sister. This is common in every house I know and everyone in the house tolerates it.

    When you have a husband who cares for you, that is one of the best things you have. Patience is something you should display. You should support him and show affection. As a woman and as a wife, do what you can to bring a smile on his face. He will be happy and will have more motivation to face his problem. And with du'as and Allah's Will, in sha Allah, his problem will be solved and you will both lead a normal life. But remember: for both of you, some amount of tolerance is necessary. No two people can be exactly similar on all aspects. When we have to lead life with the other, it is necessary that we tolerate some amount of dislikes that we harbor, but our partner likes. This is a key to successful relationship.

    May Allah Help you both.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Oh My God!
    I am facing the same situation right now. Me and my husband have been married for more than 3 years and because of his erectile dysfunction problem, he can't do intercourse with me. I can't explain how I spend these three years. And I can understand that what you are going through and this marriage is also miserable for me. I tried everything to sort this out but nothing happened. He took medicine but it did not affect well. It made me feel hurt when I saw the other couple who lives happy life and had a baby. Last night when he came to home, I told him that I need divorce. I want to live a happy life. I lost interest in everything. And it made him feel sad and apparently I saw the tears on his eyes. I never seen him crying before. Then I started crying. I am feeling like I am a dead women. My husband don't want to divorce me but I am in the position where I want to go forward but I can't because I don't to leave my husband alone but at the same time I don't feel any love for him. I feel sympathy for him, I do care for him. I have spend nearly 3 and a half years with him. We had a good and bad time but within these three years I am living like a robotic life. When I see my sister's daughter, it made me feel crying. I love babies and I am desperately wanting a physical relationship with him but............ I don't know what to do....I am completely lost......

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      I don't really know how to say this except this.

      Allah is Ar-Rahman, created his slaves, knows best how to take care of your husband and yourself.

      Whatever you do-don't sin. A quick passing haram pleasure will incur a lot of pain. On the converse, halal pleasure will incur eternal pleasure because you will be rewarded for that.

      Also, in terms of sex, I don't want to be blunt, but maybe sexual intercourse is not the only way you can be satisfied? There was something An-Nabi (S) did to Aisha(R) when she was menstruating....

      And there are other body parts your husband has.....I only say this SubhanAllah for the best of you both.

      Inshaa Allah I made the right decision with this comment.

      Whatever you do sister, DON'T SIN. Try everything you possible can and seek help with Allah. Give Allah every reason to be pleased with you until you meet Him. Try everything you possibly can to stay in this marriage.

      But if you truly fear a sin, Allah's rights are paramount and Allah is your master and Allah and provide for your husband and yourself as well.

      So I give you this fatwa.

      http://islamqa.info/en/ref/174648

      Shout out to brother Abu Abdul Bari-Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh brother if there was anything wrong in this comment please correct me.

  4. asalamu alaikum,

    after reading your post i can see your point, but lets say you did divorce him, getting re-married again as a divorcee is hard, which is sad but this is true. if you re-married the new husband might be control, violent freak. thats when you would realise your old husband was 10x better. it can happen, alot of post on here sisters are a victim of domestic violence etc. im pretty much sure if those sisters had a choice they would take your place anytime no doubt.

    their is a saying" you dont know what you have, till its gone"

    i'll conlude with this, just stay with him and support him, if you still want to leave, then tell your husband and go your seperate ways.

    ma salama

    • salaam

      i do get your point and i agree with it but not every one is the same so it is your choice sister if you feel it is not just his illness that is making you unhappy fine go your own ways there are aother ways you can please each other

      please look at this from a deeper prospective before divorce it is not just you that is unhappy but him too

      allah hafiz

  5. Asa sis. As for me i would
    Divorce him. Esp if its futile
    Bcos having kids
    Would be problematic. And its a desiremof intercourse a wife has a right. Its
    Funny how the men respond to this subject. You are supposed
    To tolerate not being able
    To fulfill
    A
    Right and yet if the shoe was on the other foot, many men would either divorce or get a second
    Wife and not consider
    The womans feelings
    To

  6. I respect your advise regarding violation marriage. And I agreed that I would never ever sacrifice on violation marriage. Even few hours after nikkah, I told my husband "I hate those men who bit their wife and if I have authority, I would send those men to prison". He knows I can't accept biting or hitting. I don't argue with him on any topic. I accept all his circumstanced and never did anything against his permission and point of view even if I don't agree with it. I remember, one time he used abusive word for me even it was his fault and I told him "I can use the same word for you if you don't stop it". From that day he never use abusive word for me. So if I was the victim of domestic violence then I would definitely take revenge with him instead of letting him go easily.

  7. Ohh dear sister your situation does not sound so bad,if u can resolve his erectile issues I think things would be fine,or if there are other ways he could find to satisfy u,maybe could explore together.things could be worse actually you could have the opposite problem like I have,my husband is extremely addicted to my body and I have to take care of him everyday! And I mean everyday! If I am sick I have to make up the day with 2 or 3 times in one day and sometimes I get that anyways! Think about that everyday for years and washing u hair etc,and doing prayers! Omg exhausting! Plus cooking ,cleaning,but I have a very very happy husband :) and in regards to the farts,I'm sure ur husband has nothing on mine! My husband is the king of farts! And seems quite proud of it lol!

  8. Assalaamualaikam

    If your husband did not have erectile dysfunction, would you still feel that you do not wish to be married to him? Millions of people in the world have disabilities and medical conditions that affect their lives, but are able to enjoy fulfilling relationships - if medication is helping your husband, then that is a positive step, and there are other things he can do to improve his health and sexual function. But there is more to a marriage than sex.

    You say that you do not like or love him, but the worst things you can mention are a medical condition beyond his control, and bad habits of burping and passing gas in front of you. Unfortunately, everybody in the world burps and passes gas - these are normal (albeit unpleasant) bodily functions. It may be that if he knew how much it annoys you, he would happily go elsewhere to do these - it's perfectly reasonable to ask someone to go into the bathroom to do these things. We are advised that if we see something we dislike in someone, we should try to look for the good in them, and I would urge you to try to do this.

    If your husband is a man of good character and strong faith, it is worth taking time to see if you can develop a solid relationship with him - it can be hard to find a partner with these qualities. Spend time with him, be honest with him about what you want and need from a relationship, find things that you can enjoy together, and give him a chance. Listen to him, as well - there may be things he would like you to change too.

    If after this you still feel there is no love between you, then separation is an option, but I would encourage you to try to work on your marriage prior to deciding to divorce.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Ma sha Allah, what you have mentioned is actually there in a hadith of Sahih Muslim:

      It was narrated that Abû Hurairah said: ``The Messenger of Allâh said: `No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he may be pleased with another.'''

      I was reminded of the following Hadith from Sahih Muslim, which every Muslim man and woman should remember:

      It was narrated that Jâbir said: ``The Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: `Iblîs places his throne over the water, then he sends out his troops, and the one who is closest in status to him is the one who causes the greatest amount of Fitnah (tribulation or temptation). One of them comes and says: ‘I have done such and such,' and he says: `You have not done anything.' Then one of them comes and says: ‘I did not leave him until I separated him and his wife.' Then he draws him close to him and says: `How good you are.''' Al-A`ma sh said: ``I think he ( اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: `And he embraces him.'''

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Im very sorry sister. I know how u feel but there r a lot of women who r trying very hard to make their marriages work through the sexual problems. There r those with gay men and those with men with ED and those with pre mature ejaculation issues and i think they r the worst kinds coz unlike the ED problem where both r frustrated in pre mature its only the wife. She gets no sympathy coz she has babies and every1 believes that they have a gr8 life.. Somehow i did manage to convince an old friend to hang on for the sake of her children and other good qualities of her husband but i really regret now coz she has gotten herself involved in a haram relationship. Now how i wish i at least told her that there is no excuse for zina and she should move on if she cannot hang on.
    Sister only u know what u r going through. Allah does not stop u. Our religion allows u that freedom. However if u stayed for the love of ur husband and practiced taqwa then u will b rewarded for ur sacrifice but Sex is a need of a body and such desires cannot b suppressed all ur life. ( unless u r realllllly strong or some1 with little or no sexual desires). I wonder if masturbation is allowed in this case. Only a scholar would b able to tell though even masturbation cannot work as a perfect substitute.

    A lot of people will tell u that there is no guarentee that u will find urself a decent man in ur second husband or sexual gratification for that matter and its true.. There is always a possibility that u might regret but if we were to only to analyse hypothetically then no 1 would marry at all. Make sure that he sees a good sexologist and if it doesnt work or u cannot wait then get the divorce. I dont c y u should b made to feel guilty for wanting what u deserve from a marriage. If it were u who couldnt satisfy the husband at all then i dont think he would have thought like this. A lot of sympathies would have poured in from all the sides and of course accompanied with the advice to divorce the useless wife and remarry or just get another one. Women r no different. Halal sex with the spouse is ur need and remember no matter what no zina. A lot of temptations will come ur way so b strong. I hope i dont have read another post of a cheating wife who cheated coz she was desperate.

    And oh the burping and farting. Oh yeah that is very annoying. It is one topic women have a hearty laugh at. Sad husbands dont even realize lol. If it just happens once in a while then u should ignore it but if he does that everytime then u should tell him that what he does is not polite. Surely no1 does it in front of their bosses or collegues or at a gathering and. ..come on!! if women can manage to behave in a decent manner then y cant men? it just pushes all the romance out of the window!!

    • I totally agree with you. I discussed about my decision with my mother and father. My father totally disagree with my decision. He told me not to take any foolish step until my other sisters get married. He said everyone would blame me because I advised them not to tell anyone about my husband's medical condition.

      Brother I tried everything but then I felt like I am losing my self respect. During my first year of marriage, he did not even wanted to touch me and I was shocked to see that how a man can survive without it. But then I did some research, and found out the he has ED problem. He was always trying to ignore me and made an excuse when I took any step. He don't like romance at all. His behavior was hurting me so much but later on I left to try anything and decided to scarifies my whole life. But now when I see on mirror, I can't find myself. I lost interest in shopping, I don't brush my hair and I don't care about my diet. Now I am facing so many complication because of my poor diet and my doctor strictly advised me to leave him. It's very hard for me to start a new life. But I give my husband a 5 month deadline. If anything does not change then there is only one option left which is Divorce. I am not strong enough to scarifies my whole life. May ALLAH forgive me about this.

      • Im actually a sister not brother. Maybe thatz y i can understand this better. This advice is for u as well. Do whatever u want. Either stay in the marriage in order to show ur gratitude to the man who cares for u or walk out for another chance but keep 1 thing in mind sister DO NOT FALL FOR ZINA. When u r constantly sexually desperate u unknowingly give out the vibes which r easily caught by fornicators. Shaitan will come to u in a very attractive form then and lure u until u fall.

        Your decision is yours and no1 can understand ur situation better. Do the istikhara b4 whatever u do.

  10. Assalaamualaikum,
    dear sis,the thing i want to convey is that,leaving him over his problem of Erectile dysfunction(ED) may seem like a total solution to u but let me tell u r a'absolutely wrong'
    as a doctor i want to tell u dat currently 6out of every 10 men suffer from some degree of premature ejaculation(PE) or ED or even both and in most of the cases the problem is only psychological...and d only medicine which is sufficient is mutual confidence,support,belief and love by the partner n if its given no actual medicine is needed.....
    relations of like of a husband and wife need high degree of understanding n affection n unless n until u dont develop dat affection u vil never be emotionally satisfied...by ur complains of d facts dat ur husbands burps etc i can make out that you are not frank with your husband...try to get closer to him lady try to understand him n make him understand ur point of view...i dont think a sane man would want to do things dat his wife dislikes....
    regarding d sexual problem try to love him first comon he is ur husband ur garment....get some foreplay into ur sexual life its definitely gonna help u...n try to build ur husband self confidence n become frnds vid him first....hope it helps u
    n yes a person suffering from ED or PE can father a child like a normal prsn provided his sperm count is normal which in most cases is normal....all d best

  11. Salaama aleykum my dear sister in Islam. I know I am not in your position and you are the only one that truly understands the situation you are in. Dear sister, the ED could be a problem and with the will of Allah, and the help of the doctors and latest technologies it can be over come Insha Allah. Dear Sis the other two things you mentioned the burping and the passing wind are not such a big deal, he does that because he feels comfortable with you, but if they bother you please do let him know. My dear Sis, we can't hate people for the things that are not in thier control. For example; you were not able to get pregnant and your husband decided to divorce or it is hard for you to get pregnant and he divorced for that matter how would you feel? Patience and prayer are the strongest and most effective medicines I have ever seen in my life. You can't guarantee the life you will have if you remarried, he could be good in bed, but be abusive, bad manners and vert violent do you think you will be happy? Please make sincere Du'a when you are in sujud and ask Allah to cure your husband you will be surprised what Du'a can really do. May Allah ease your pain and may HE put love and blessing between you and may He cure your husband's illness. Ameen.

  12. Assalam alaikum sister,

    Starting with the burping and passing wind. This isn't a big deal when a person makes up for other things -I think this may have become a big deal for you because you do not feel satisfied and therefore all small things are becoming annoying to you. I think that if you were emotionally and physically satisfied, this wouldn't even phase you (as some have suggested by calling their husband "king of farts). Because that sister feels satisfied and is enjoying the opposite extreme of what you are suffering, it isn't a big deal for her at all. Although, I did read up on this and Islamically, we shouldn't really pass wind infront of others and we should have manners. I would imagine that a person wouldnt do that in front of many people, why not prevent doing that in front of your significant other when possible. I think it is courteous to just leave the room if you have to pass gas, in my opinion, though sometimes it isnt possible- just talk to him about it in a loving/gentle manner and that should be easy to overcome. Perhaps tell him that you feel more attracted to him when he doesn't do that in front of you. If ppl were to think about what made them attracted to their spouses in the first place, we would be reminded of the times when we tried to impress each other. I, personally think, wives should try to impress their husbands and husbands should try to impress their wives because it is an attractive thing to do. If we get so comfortable in our ways, life can start to become stale. Again, I think this should be a conversation you could have and solve easily and you could demonstrate what you want, by doing things to impress him.

    It is VERY honorable that your husband is taking care of you, mashaAllah. There are many posts here where women have shared their story of men not providing for them and being abusive, so Alhumdulillah, that is great that you don't have to deal with that.

    Now for ED. This isnt something that is easy to deal with. It could be permanent. I know what you are going through. Medicine doesnt always solve the problem. From your post, it wasn't clear that the problem was solved with medicine. I do not think it is reasonable to expect an already married woman to just accept this as her fate. If an unmarried woman goes into a marriage knowing her husband is ill, she has never experienced sex and doesnt know what she is missing. A married woman, who has now been intimate, and now has even more desires, can't be expected to just settle. When we continually give out advice to unmarried ppl to get married if they can't control their desires, we can't expect married people to control their desires. If there is absolutely no solution - then you could possibly think of going separate ways, BUT, it doesnt sound like you have explored all options.

    Though patience is needed on your part, I do not think it will be the ONLY solution. You are human and to prevent from falling to any temptation, you and your husband have to be honest with each other and seek medical help (not to mention he should see a sexologist). You and him need to be more affectionate with one another and see what you can do so that you do feel satisfied. As hard as it may be for you, you have to be honest (and gentle) with him and he also has to realize how hard this is for you. I think you have to strengthen your relationship more - part of the problem is that you have only been married for 2 years. That is honestly a short time. Had this happened years after a good marriage with him, it might have been easier to deal with, but it seemed to come so quickly in your marriage that it made it more challenging for you.

    I hope you try your best. Because your husband seems to have a good character (as you described him), you might miss and regret this later.

    Sisters 'apple green' and 'Mehnaz Rashid' had good advice about the plight of women who are married to men with ED or PE. I agree that it is not just physical but psychological. That is why I think your husband needs to be at the forefront of dealing with this and not just "hoping" it will go away. Being the man in such a marriage is so damaging to his self-worth and a woman in such a marriage, you suffer so much emotionally and the physical pain from that emotional pain is horrible--if a person hasn't experienced it, then they have no idea what it is like to be just left in such a situation.

    My du'as are with you. Please don't give up. Do more research. May Allah make you successful in this trial. Ameen.

    • Assalamaualikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      A quick skim through your comment and I loved it!

      I would like to repeat sister-

      Whatever happens, DON'T SIN. The least liked halal thing is better than the slightest sin.

  13. Jazakalla hu khairan for the responses brohers and sisters. Just a little bit of clarification on my problem.over the two years i have tried herbal medicines..home remedies...quranic duas for him but he doesnt seem to get better at all.he keeps staying in a negative frame of mind and doesnt make an effort to make himself better.if i ask him to do something about it he says i cant do anything.as for burping it was just an example and i have communicated but he doesnt listen.he doesnt open up to me at all.he has asked me to leave him too.i think my feeling towards him are cold towards him because of his problem.im doing sin (watching bad things)i feel guilty and sinful.im only 24 and the stress im going through for two years is really taking a toll on my life and health.im at a point where i hate everything about but he is generally caring towards me.i dont know how he can have feelings for me?

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Whatever you do, do not disobey Allah. Repent for all of the sinful things you have done and ask Allah for a way out.

      If one person is suffering on the earth, it is not incumbent on the another person to share in that suffering. SubhanAllah the world would be a miserable place in such a case and Allah is merciful to his slaves.

      I am going to give you a step by step process which inshaa Allah will be best for the both of you.

      1) Try for at least another six months. Be patient and ask for help in salah. If nothing changes, you have the right to ask for a divorce.

      2) It seems clear he is ready to end it with you.
      "quranic duas for him but he doesnt seem to get better at all.he keeps staying in a negative frame of mind and doesnt make an effort to make himself better.if i ask him to do something about it he says i cant do anything.as for burping it was just an example and i have communicated but he doesnt listen.he doesnt open up to me at all.he has asked me to leave him too."

      He is not fulfilling your rights.If you have done what you can to get him to fulfill your rights, perhaps the biggest right of marriage and Allah is more knowing, than it's not necessary for you to stay and keep committing sins. There are quite a few examples of divorce among the Sahaba. Divorce is not a dirty word.

      Read these following fatwa from Islam Q and A

      http://www.islamqa.info/en/ref/1859/khula

      This shows that you have the right to divorce. It's a short fatwa please read it.

      Also read this:
      http://islamqa.info/en/ref/174648

    • Sister your story is very similar to mine. My husband is behaving just like your husband. I would pray to ALLAH for you. I am 25 year old. I also started to watch bad thing but then I repent to Allah. May ALLAH forgive us. And brother Gibran is right. Women have a right to take divorce for this matter. It hurts more when someone thinks that I am living a happy life.

      • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

        I would like to highlight again sister, that before going through a divorce, stop sinning and repent, and seek help with patience and prayer.

        Try every possible thing before divorce. Divorce is not something light-it is very severe. But it is lawful and it is better to do the least liked lawful thing to avoid committing sins, even if they are the least detested of sins. Regardless of what society thinks.

        http://www.islamqa.info/en/ref/1859/khula

  14. Brothers and sisters keep reminding me that divorce is not an option.i did not say i want divorce.the misery that i am living in day after day is accelerating and i wanna know how to not feel so low.i spend night after night crying.i am feeling repulsive towards my husband.i feel there is nothing left in life for me.somedays i think i will collapse and faint.but i dont want divorce

    • Yes sister, divorce is not an option. Just like I said somewhere else, people of this day take it to be "divorce at first fight" which is ignorance. No two people can have exactly similar characteristics.

      So sister, read my previous comment where I have mentioned the hadith that says if you dislike a characteristic in a person look for soke other characteristic which you may like. Compromises are a part of every successful relationship.

      Consider even the relationship between yourself and your mother. Have you never compromised for her? Does a mother never compromise for her child? Then why does anyone advise people of divorce instead of compromise, when there is hope?

      Move ahead, sister. Show compassion and love to your husband. Forgive his shortcomings and show him kindness. Smile for him and make him forget his worries. With this, not only him, but even you will feel at peace and tranquil. This is what is intended in a relationship. Your husband is more dearer to you in the eyes of the Sharee'ah, than your own mother. So take the best out of his love and build your Aakhirah in this World itself.

      Do some research and help him fight his problem. Determination and hope is half the cure.

      Should you need further support, please mention.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Yes, do whatever you can to stop sinning. Try your absolute best to cure your husband and don't treat him resentfully but treat him with love and compassion. Pray to Allah you don't know inshaa Allah he will soon get better and soon be able to help you preserve your chastity.

      When I brought up divorce I meant it as a supplement to all the other mashaAllah good answers other commentators have already posted(as there is no need to be repetitive) and as a last resort to avoiding sinful behavior because the least liked lawful thing is better than the least hated unlawful thing.

  15. A woman is a very patient tolerant figure, it takes alot for her to stand up and voice her concerns. I am not promoting or supporting divorce, but i just want to highlight how people recommend others to go back to a life where she cries all night pities on herself. Continue torturing yourself and your husband ofcourse he will come to know someday what you are going through. Is this Islam? inflicting ourselves with pain and waiting for Jannat. It is about being thankful and patient but it is not about inflicting pain.

  16. Please seek help from istikhara, may God guide you which way to choose. In case you need anyone to talk to or help or just a shoulder to cry on you can email me.

  17. How do I get your email sister nida

    • Salam,

      you should go to a doctor with your husband, perhaps he will solve this problem.

      And watch bad things as a women???

      Satisfaction is your right, therefore you are free of staying and divoring him, but perhaps he doesn't need his genital...there could be other ways.

  18. Be loving and kind 99% of the time, but give him hell every time he makes a mess in the bathroom. He'll learn.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

Leave a Response