Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need help/advice in order to convince my parents for my marriage

Is it too early?

Is it too early?

AsSalam alaikum,

I hope everyone is good.

My problem is driving me crazy.

Ever since I was a child, me and my cousin (he is six months younger to me) had a very special and close friendship and understanding. When we grew up (now both 21) we felt like we want to spend our lives together with each other.. I find him compatible with me in every sense. We never got physical with each other because for us we were bound to get married. He knows about my past I know about his, we both are good with it. We help each other in life, support each other when one of us is low, make plans of life with each other. Whenever I am sad about something that my parents aren't allowing me to do, he says "cheer up, when you will be with me we will do it together I promise." That's how sweet he is. I never doubt his feelings and I feel blessed that I have him with me. He makes me feel secure and loved and wanted..

But his mother and my mother don't get along. Recently my mother had started looking for guys for me. So I thought it was the right time to let her know about my choice. SHE FREAKED OUT. She started accusing him of having a bad character, of having a bad nature, of having a hypocritical nature. I tried to make her understand that he is not like that I have been close to him since we were young and he is not like how she portrays him. And I told her that she can't get me married to anyone forcibly since I won't agree to it.

I want to let you all know that I am a practising muslim. I am very close to my parents. I love them to death. And hearing this from my mother's mouth just to drive me away from him was heart breaking. He is half year younger to me, so my mom said that dad won't agree to give me in someone's hand who is younger and obviously he wont be settled soon since he is studying. I tried to explain it to her that Allah is the provider of rizq.

I am so sad and heart broken relating this. When I say we both are sincere and want to spend a life together I mean it. Even the thought of spending my life with someone else disgusts me. But my parents don't agree and I know his parents wont agree too.. How can we convince them? I am so sad.. Please don't tell me to move on, I have planned my life around him, be it family life or an intimate life, I can't even accept another man sleeping next to me or touching me. He has shown me so much dedication and love ever since we are together (long distance relationship since we live in different countries) that I cannot think of anyone being as caring as polite as humble as loving as him.

I don't want to make my parents angry. I just want to know the right way to convince them. Please help me.


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16 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Hang in there and be strong. If you are in school, stay focused and work hard. Maybe in time, your parents will see how strong you feel about your cousin and reconsider their position. You are absolutely correct...your parents cannot force you to marry anyone not of your choosing. Keep your salat and don't let yourself feel down. All that is going on is just talk for the moment and not worth getting yourself upset over.


  2. Thanks najah.. But im scared of what my future holds if its not with him. Im actually scared of men. He isbthe only guy i accept. Im dead scared of men abd their thinking abd attitude abd physical strength 🙁 i feel like anyoneother than him will harm me judge me or abuse me. He respects me understands me. Now i have broken up the taljs we had due to fear of Allah. He respected that too and he was so polite. How would you have convinced your parents for the perfect guy without disrespecting or hurting them..?

    • Sister,

      There is no reason to be scared of men at all. They are all different as women are all different.

      You ask, "how would you have convinced your parents for the perfect guy without disrespecting or hurting them..? As a parent myself, you can ask and convince all you want but if I don't think he is right for you...I will resist. I can tell you up front that the fact that he is of the same age as you does not bode well for many parents. My own husband will not marry any of his girls to a man their own age. He feels that a man who is several years older and who is more mature is a better choice. My daughters would however disagree and that is okay.

      Maybe you could lay low for a while and just not bring the subject up at all. Let this cousin of yours pay a visit to your home with his father and do things right. Let him come and ask for your hand in a proper manner. It would show he is sincere about marrying you. Neither one of you have anything to lose at this point and everything to gain. I for one do not think you are disrespecting your parents when you have a healthy discussion about the subject. No yelling or the like...just talk. Talk of what you are feeling and why you think this man would make a good husband for you. Let your parents know of the qualities that you see in this man and why you feel the way you do. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe in time your parents might be able to see your point of view...maybe not. Either not stress yourself over this. Remember that no matter what, your destiny is written and if this man is to be your husband, he will be no matter what.


      • Yeah thats exactly what iam doing.. What surprised me was that this guy is so genuine. He helps my parents and everyone else in their matters leaving his own matters aside. Whenever they need advice they call him. My mom praises him more than her own son. But the topic was brought up she denied him. When he got to know he was so heart broken. He said that my parents dont like him so what is the use.

        I am scared of men because i have seen men in my own family who bog their women downnjust because they are men. My dad is an example. He is a perfect man and a father and a brother and a son. But sometimes he hurys my mom by taunting her or not appreciating how she cooks. My momis happy with him because he does love her dearly abd has provided her with the best life. But there are times when i feel life between them is more like a competition. Showing each other down. This has decreased alot because since we have grown up we have started feeling these things and we clearly react to his statements or actions so he is becoming softer day by day. My parents want me to get narried to my dads side where my dad is the best rest are lesser than him in terms of nature. My cousin is on the moms side which is perfect. All my maternal uncles have amazing akhlaaqs with their wives and since my cousins dad is my maternal uncle he idolizes his dad and ismch more like him. I dont want to live with a guy who behaves more like a husband trying to bog me down all the time, that would definitely be the case with my paternal cousin, i want to be with someone who treats me nore like a partner and a friend whoch is very much my maternal cousin.

        When we didnt realize talking with non mehrams is haram, well we knew but we ignored it, ee talked about life. And whatever we discussed we used to complement eachother in the end. There was never an argument. Whenever we argued we uses to discussed things and then hear each other outin the agree to one point with love. When ever any one of us was down in terms of studies life or famiky we always knew the other part was always there to take care and comfort. I actually never felt alone or scared in his presence because i knew whatever trouble i find he will helpnme out abd he always did. He treated me like a princess,yes like a princess,and i dont think anyone else can.
        Now that i realuzed that talking might be causing us gunnah i called him and told him what i felt..any regukar guy might have tried to stop me or even black mail me. But he said to me that i appreciate your thinking and although it hurts me to let you go and not talk to you but i wont. You realized something that Allah wants and if j stand in your way what is the difference between me and shaytan. You are free to go. I will try to convince our parents if all agree its great other wise we will truay Allah'
        So...the thing is i dont think i can live with someone else now because i dont think anyone can compare to him and not on my paternal side where all guys are big rude abd egoistic. He is younger but he is mayure kind caring and loving.

        Please pray for me. I have left everything in Allah's hands.

        • Sorry for the mistakes in typing. Smartphones keypad really suck. I hope you understand without difficulty.

          • MeshJ,
            I just wanted to say that you are so me!!! Our lives are so much similar, except the person I love is not my cousin. He is from another cast.
            And the way you feel about your cousin, I feel about him too.
            And all I can do is put my trust in Allah and I'm really praying for us. And INSHALLAH Allah will unite us.
            I wanted to ask you that, are you two together now? I mean, have your parents consented to your marriage? Because these posts are old so I just wanted to know.
            May Allah Help us all! Ameen!

    • Hello friend, I'm Zee. My problem is same like yours. But not he is my cousin. We are classmates and he is not much richer like us. And he is still studying and following some courses. He said that Next year he will talk to my parents. But I'm scared what will happen and what decision will get my parents.

  3. Salaam, I understand your situation sister, this happens though I'm not trying to blame or being offensive but just general mention of Ahadith that prohibits free mixing even between cousins & even bro & sis in laws but we've culture that is a bit free unfortunately but I'm glad that you both fear Allah as most people would've done the haraam act by now but may Allah keep you's strong [Aameen]

    Now also please pray salah as that is the only thing that differentiates us from the unbelieving individuals and ask Allah for help and the best way is read Sahih AlBukhari's hadith of how to do 'Istehara' and follow the instructions & you will get a way that is best for that dua is recommended by Allah's Last Prophet [SAW] so it has to be The Best!! Also watch this video that is not related to you but general advice to youngsters...
    jazakallah khair

    • Thank you for your advice brother. We never really mix up with cousins since all of us cousins live abroad. it was only limied to talking to this particular cousin that too have been stopped.

      I am regular with my salahs in sha Allah, Allah is all knower and all seer. I trust Him 🙂

  4. Assalmwaialakum sister,

    I totally understand were you're coming from, I know of someone who extremly loved a man and she was only 15 at the time and he was 3 yrs older than her and not even the same ethnic group as her, they loved eachother and as hard as it was cut ties for His sake and fear for Him just like you, and they wanted to get married but didn't know how to tell their parents because their not the same kind and due to the age. This is quite similar to your case since he's 6 months younger than you, which is not a big deal. You can tell your parents to keep in consideratation that age is nothing but a number, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and Khadija(RA) had a big age gap, he was 15 years younger than her but SubhanAllah their love was true. And if you guys truly love eachother just wait and show your mother how mature you are and that you and him are committed, and all those flaws that she assume of him he can show he's none of those things and keep praying your Salat make A LOT of dua indeed its a powerful weapon, become closer with your mom and also his mom, and if they can't seem to get along show them how much you guys love eachother they should try to put their problems aside for their kids inshaa Allah. And if its meant to be it will be inevitably. May He unite you two under Islam

    Your sister, Aaliyah

    • SubhanAllah what an example. I did tell my mom that she said you are not hazrat khadija and hebis not. Ahazrat mohammad (SAW). She said he will get bored of you and start looking for younger women and cheat on ypu... :S

      • Mothers tend to overreact but that shows she loves you and wants what's best for you, but if you love him sister try talking to your dad or mahram and inshaa Allah it works out becuase the example I used the girl asked her dad because her mom refused and her dad talked with the mother. Just show you parent(s) that you want to be with this man regardless of his age and introduce him to them to make a good impression so she wouldn't keep assuming negative or bad about him

  5. InshaAllah, that's what we have planned. He is the guy and if he stands up for me I know my parents will agree as he is in family and they would prefer getting me married to someone in the family rather than out side the family.

    What I fear is that now a days people (Muslims) have put culture/social/general opinions over the opinion of Allah. Alhumdulillah I belong to a religion where my Allah and His messenger have clearly stated the criteria of two people being married i.e IMAAN AND CHARACTER. But unfortunately, people ignore these two only and consider everything else like age, salary, family name, facial features blablabla I am sometimes ashamed of our mentality.

    InshaAllah if Allah wishes me to be with him nothing can stop it, but even if He doesn't then I pray to my Allah to give me some one like him or better than him.

    jazakAllah khair for such encouraging advices everyone.

    In the end I do know one thing, I feel very much confident because of ISLAM, Alhumdulillah I am God fearing and so are my parents and Islam and its teachings are my biggest support :). Thankfully no where in Islam has been mentioned to marry a girl to a guy older to her age only, its just our own culture that brings this thing in between.

    Asslam o alaikum!

  6. Salaam, my advice is Do Not marry one who does Not pray As-salaah [5 daily prayers] as he/she is Not a Muslim[a]; proof/Evidences for this are as follows: Prophet (saw) said: Difference between a Muslim & kafir is the salah (5 daily prayers) Sahih Muslim (1/146).

    Also Jaabir [R.A] Hadith: “whoever gives up prayer is not a Muslim”: Tirmidhi, 2621; al-Nasaa’i, 463, “sahaba never considered anyone kafir except one who did not pray”!!Tirmidhi:2622, Hakim:1/1248, “There is no Islam for one who leaves prayer” Sharh al-’Umdah’ (2/75,

    Ibn Ma’sud said: “one who does not pray has no religion” another narration “one who abandons prayer has no claim upon Allah” Ibn Maja, , He (s.a.w), mentioning the prayer, said: If anyone keeps to it, it will be light, evidence and salvation for him on the Day of Resurrection. But if anyone does not keep to it, on that Day he will be associated with Qaroon, Pharaoh (Fir’on), Namaan and Ubayy bin Khalaf (an enemy of Islam from among the Quraysh). [Ahmad, Tabaraanee, Ibn Hibbaan] “giving up prayer is Shirk” Sahih Targheeb hadith no- 574, also surah 30:31, And No shifa of any kind for those who leave prayer; Surah Mudassir 74:43-48 ]

    hence one who doesn’t pray has no funeral prayer nor dua to be made for him/her as Paradise is only for believers.....Thus, So never leave your prayer as Shaitan will always whisper saying "you're so evil etc" but prayer keeps one's guilt within him, thus even an alcoholic will one day leave alcohol if he keeps his prayer continued (but if he consider alcohol or any haram to be halal then he becomes a kafir, he MUST do full tawba. Those who Do Not like to practice Islam & say “Islam is in my heart” etc. Why don’t they go to their boss & say: “I’m not going to work boss because my work is in my heart”!!

    NB: women in menstruating period do NOT have to pray at all for that period. Women are free from praying for the period of menstruating period but the Ramadan fasts have to be fasted afterwards but NOT the prayer & even after giving birth to baby 40 days no fast nor pray for women, they can enjoy life [though Halal way] [they can also make dua etc but not the prayer/salah]

  7. You're totally right now a days SubhanAllah us muslims put culture before deen when we all know it should be vice versa, but I hope all goes well inshaaAllah.

    Wailakum assalam 🙂

    • Assalamualikum
      I'm 20 yrs old student. I'm in love With one guy nd my parents know about this at the guys family they have no problem bt my parents are not convincing for my love .i'm there only daughter they telling so many problems this guy is 28 yrs old and he is from another district that their main problem. I want my love, i move him a lot nd he too i know he will take care of mz and my parents after marriage i want him. I can't live without him, i want my parents too . :'( How I covince my parents please help me 🙁

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