Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Broken Engagement….advise needed desperately

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Ok so here's my story. It's a bit long so please bear with me as I have no one to talk to and have resorted to the internet for some help.

I'm 24 years old and a doctor. I got engaged about a year ago. It was an arranged thing and was done with approval of both our parents. I had never met my fiance before the engagement (note, it was engagement not nikkah). Anyways, after the engagement my fiance started texting and calling me so that we could get to know each other better. I was still studying and the marriage was scheduled to occur a year later after completion of my degree. We hit it off quite well and I fell in love with him. He also claimed to love me, in fact, he was the first to say 'I love you' but I'm still not sure whether he was sincere or not. He used to bring me gifts and celebrate events like birthdays and such. I did the same for him. We talked every night before going to sleep and texted each other numerous times during the day. Things were going really well. We interacted a bit on FB too but he blocked me a few months later. I asked him why he did that but he was evasive about it and didn't give me a clear answer. I didn't make a big deal out of it though.

Then calamity struck and I did something haraam. In a moment of weakness we hugged and kissed each other. I felt sad after doing it since we were not married yet and I even told him that we should never do it again until we're married. This just angered him and he would talk very rudely with me. This really upset me a lot. According to him, since we were to be married anyway, it was okay for us to engage in such things as hugging and kissing (not have sex though). I wear hijaab and his mother wanted me to stop doing hijaab but I refused. This also angered him and his parents.

A few months later, there was a disagreement between our parents regarding dowry. My dad said something like dowry being impermissible in Islam and he is against it (I don't exactly know the conversation since I wasn't there). This offended his parents as they interpreted it as him implying that they wanted dowry from us even though my dad said nothing of the sort. They also started to accuse my father of trying to break the engagement because he had found someone better than their son for me. These were false allegations of course and my father called his father to smooth things over but they refused to attend his call. My fiance still talked to me like usual but his mood had suddenly changed. He would be rude to me and not reply to my texts for hours. I told him his behaviour was upsetting me he said he was 'busy' and I was over reacting and he was doing nothing of the sort. But by Allah I could feel it that something was wrong. he would say things like 'I don't see a good future for us' and 'I don't think its going to work out' which made me cry and hurt me. I told my parents about this and my father advised me to stop contact with him and see if he cares (my father was sure that he was playing with my feelings but I refused to believe him, that's how much I trusted him).

I did as my father said and I stopped calling and texting him. I even blocked his sisters on FB hoping this might cause a reaction. Funny thing was, he didn't even bother to call me and ask what was wrong. His birthday came and went but I didn't wish him thinking this might make him think that something is wrong. But nothing happened. A month later, I couldn't stand it anymore and I called him. At first he wouldn't attend my call but after many tries he picked up and I started explaining to him about my absence. He refused to listen to me and accused me of not being caring enough and that I wasn't sincere with him and that I had found someone else. I begged him to give me another chance. He said he didn't love me anymore because I had proven to him that I will not be a good wife in the future. I was devastated but I didn't give up. I kept texting him afterwards and swore by Allah that I am not unfaithful to him. I apologized to him for hurting him and promised I would never do that again.

I even went to his home and talked to his mother. She assured me that she will make things work. 6 months passed by and no contact from them. I was preparing for my final exams so couldn't text him much (he wouldn't talk to me on phone). I spent these 6 months in hell, I had to visit the psychiatrist and take medication for a while because I had become suicidal. During this time, a lot of people came to my parents and told them that my fiance's family is not well reputed and they are not good people. I decided not to believe them since Allah has prevented us from believing on rumors, right? And that we should not believe what people say about others because only Allah knows what is in the hearts. I prayed to Allah and begged for His forgiveness so that He may make it possible for us to get married. I could not bear parting with him as I had planned and imagined my future with him. My mom called his mother many times but to no avail. Things haven't changed. At one point I had lost all hope and started hating Allah (may He forgive me) but then I said taubah again. I now pray tahajjud and pray 5 times a day, I also read the Quran, I ask Allah all the time to change their hearts and make my marriage possible with him.

I am so sad. I keep feeling guilty that had I not stopped contact with him, things would've been different. I blame myself for everything. I also felt guilty for doing those haraam acts with him, I regret doing them and I believe Allah is punishing me for it by separating him from me. My parents say if he really loved me he would've tried to keep me in his life no matter what. I just can't get over him. I imagine him being with someone else and my heart aches and I start crying. I am sad all the time and I feel like I will never be happy again. My parents want me to move on and find someone else but I fear that no one will want to marry me now because of my past engagement as it is considered a sort of a taboo in my society for a girl to have a broken engagement. Sometimes I lose hope and sometimes I don't. My parents are tired of me being sad and upset all the time but I can't help it. I just don't feel like living anymore. I too, want to be married and have a family of my own like every other girl. But I see a bleak future for me. I feel helpless and betrayed. I really thought he was destined for me because then why would I fall in love with him? I guess I didn't chase him enough. My questions are:

Should I contact him again and try to regain his trust?
I feel like if I pray to Allah to change his heart and make him love me, He will. Does Allah invoke love in someone's heart for you if you pray for it?

strugglingmuslimah

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9 Responses »

  1. I honestly think you should cut all contact with him and move on. Your parents are right forget him and move on. DO NOT GET IN CONTACT WITH HIM NEVER EVER. You deserve so much more and no one has a right to do things that the other person doesn't feel comfortable with especially before marriage. You coped with life without him you dont need him. He was playing you and your feelings say ulhumdilAllah you got saved from such a person. There will be someone else and special to treat you way better please have hope you have nothing to feel guilty about. What he was doing and trying to do with you was engage into haraam and you knew it was wrong.

    My advise to you is please do not lose any of yourself respect or honor for any man before marriage. Listen to your parents they only want whats best for you. Give it time, within time you will heal and learn so much from this inshAllah.

  2. Salam sister,

    Please do not contact him again. He's a jerk, not a good guy, that's all. He's probably just seeking for money (dowry). He was even against you wearing Hijab. Don't allow yourself to be treated and rejected by this kind of man. You deserve better.
    There are so many other good man in this world who have good characters and pious.
    Please look for a pious man.

  3. Salam sis I am sorry to hear about the pain that you are experiencing. Hope you can accept some advice from me based on my own experience.

    First of all I would like to say that you are so lucky that your ex and his family showed you their true colours very early on. You feel that Allah is punishing you but from where I am sitting Allah has shown His mercy and protected you.

    I have been through an even worse scenario so i can empathise with you, I know how hard it is to end a relationship. In my case it meant divorce, I wasn't as lucky as you, I didn't see their true colours until after the nikkah.

    Sis you have highlighted so many red flags in your relationship with this guy and this is only in the first few months to a year of knowing him. Marriage is a huge step sis, it's a really big deal. You need a man of good character and morals, someone who has the fear of Allah in his heart, and who understands his responsibilities and respects you. Do you really think your ex had any of these qualities? He led you to immoral behaviour prior to the marriage and then became angry when you felt remorse and tried to stop it. He said it is ok to kiss before the marriage since you were going to get married anyway, well then why did he leave you. God knows what his real intentions were- maybe he was slowly trying to do more with you eg commit zina. You did the right thing by putting your foot down and setting your standards. You wanted to please Allah rather than this disrespectful man. In fact you were too soft on him. If I was in a situation where my fiance tried to convince me to kiss him etc and he felt no remorse for it, I wouldn't give him a second chance, that would be it for me. I would end it because to me that would be a man of bad character who has no insight into the sins he is committing and that's a dangerous path to go on. He should have appreciated the fact that you gave him a second chance and he should have felt remorse for it. Also asking someone to remove their hijab is disrespectful. Why did they agree to the engagement if they wanted someone who didn't wear the hijab. They should be proud of you! When I was looking to get married if any potentials asked me if I would remove my hijab for them my answer would be a simple no, and I would move on from them, because that to me shows that they are judgemental and narrow minded.

    Secondly, you mentioned dowry. Again this should set alarm bells ringing! Your dad was absolutely correct in saying that there is no basis for dowry in islam. Islamically the husband gives his wife the mahr after the Nikkah. He should be in a position to take care of her financial needs, and he should not expect her or her family to provide anything. This just makes them sound really cheap. Speaking from personal experience when I got married my husband and his family seemed decent - they didn't ask for dowry, asked how much mahr I wanted (which I let my husband decide whatever he could give comfortably), me and my parents made it clear that he should be financially stable to provide the basics - I wasn't looking for luxury, and my parents even asked if there was anything in specific they wanted from us and of course they said they didn't want anything from me or my family. Now after the Nikkah it was a different story, my husband expected me to pay for stuff because he suddenly had very little money, his mother gave me a really hard time because she now wanted dowry, and when my mum responded in the same way as your dad she stopped talking to my family and made it obvious that she didn't like me. Anyway a lot more happened based on her greed. So to cut a long story short - be grateful that the engagement ended. They don't sound like genuine people, they either have a poor understanding of islam or are marrying you for financial gain. Either way be glad to be rid of them.

    With regards to self blame, you sound so much like me. I would always blame myself for things that went wrong in the marriage Eventhough it wasn't my fault. But sis you did absolutely nothing wrong by breaking off contact. If he really cared he would have contacted you and tried to talk to you. You broke off contact because he was disrespecting you. It seems to me that he was manipulating the situation. He was trying to put the blame on you and making excuses to break the engagement. Again this shows he has poor etiquette and morals. Both him and his family! Your parents tried to contact them to work things out, you practically begged and pleaded to him and even made the effort to speak to his mum! He falsely accused you of being unfaithful. His parents and his family didn't even have the decency to sit down and discuss the issues and end things amicably, they just left you without an explanation! From what you have described sis you have made a very lucky escape alhamdulillah. If all of this happened after marriage it would have been a horrible and messy situation - believe me i know because I was in it!

    Trust me when I say this sis you haven't done anything to break this engagement. It seems he has manipulated you into thinking that somehow it's your fault. It's not. Him and his family just don't sound like people of good morals and etiquette. Do you really think you would be able to live with people like them.

    Sis I know it's hard but with time you will realise that this was a blessing in disguise. Your young and successful and seem to have good values and faith. Rather than wasting your time on this loser, be glad that it ended - he really doesn't seem to have any redeemable qualities. Focus on your future, and inshallah wait for the right person to come along. Marriage is a big step and a lifelong journey. You need someone with good morals and character. Don't compromise or lower your standards for a man like your ex. Also forget about what other people think, as far as I'm concerned there is no taboo about a broken engagement! What's the alternative - you marry someone like Ur ex and then struggle in an unhappy marriage or get divorced. Lots of engagements break, and from what I've seen its rarely an issue. They get married and live happily, no one even remembers their engagement!

    Also for the future I would suggest don't agree to an engagement until you have seen and spoken to the person. Have chaperoned meetings and get to know them a little. Try to see things logically rather than emotionally, as hard as that might be. And perform istikhara as well.

    Ultimately sis don't feel bad for what has happened. This wasn't your fault, it's all him. In my eyes you have made a very lucky escape. Take a deep breath, do not Contact him and move on to a happier future and inshallah the right man will come along for you ameen. In the mean time work on yourself and building your self esteem and confidence, recongnise your self worth inshaallah.

  4. Asalamoalaikum Sister,

    From the way I see it, you are very blessed as Allah swt saved you from a bigger calamity.

    Frankly put, this man is not good for you. He has an inflated ego and if he truly cared and respected you, he would not:

    (1) Give you the silent treatment (this is known as emotional and psychological abuse)
    (2) Get upset with you when you told him you did not like that haram actions were taking place and for informing his mother that you would like to continue wearing the hijab (what does that say to you about his deen?)
    (3) Reject you over a trivial matter that could have been discussed and resolved

    He seems like a dominating man and to read that you were begging and pleading him to forgive you is very degrading of you to do. You are an educated woman who possesses self-respect. You did nothing wrong by not contacting him. You have every right to wait and see if he will reciprocate interest and the fact that he didn’t should tell you something about his nature: he’s self-centered.

    Count your blessings and stop being angry with Allah swt. You are very lucky that He is merciful to you and has saved you form this man. Forget him and ask Allah swt for forgiveness for your sins. Lastly, please do not ever expose your sin to anyone including your future spouse.

    -Helping Sister

  5. Asalaamaleykum strugglingmuslimah,

    I have been through a very similar incident in my life, that also been very recent. I will try my best to help you to the extent that I can. If you still have any further questions. I would still try my best to help you in seeking your answers.

    Should you contact him again?

    What I am about to tell you, may seem very hard for you to accept. If you really want to find happiness and peace again. I believe you need to know the following. The rest is up to you. I can only advice you.

    In every relationship there are some good days and bad days. Perhaps you are reliving the good days in your mind over and over again. Perhaps this was the first time you have fallen in love for the very first time. Which is making it really hard for you to let you. I know you are a dedicated person, and you are not willing to give up on your dreams and happiness. Especially when you have spent so much time, energy into a relationship already. I can completely understand it's very hard to left go of someone. Your mind might tell you to let go of him. but your heart does'nt want you to give up.

    Perhaps you believe in " Happy ever after" which we all dream about. Perhaps you keep thinking this is a test of time. a test of your love. And that you should not give up, and you should keep trying. The fact that you kissed him, probably is making it very hard for you to let go.You can't imagine being with someone else. Or having someone be the father to your children.

    Believe me I have been where you are right now.

    Accept the fact, That he has moved on. And he was not the right guy for you. From all that you have wrote, and what i gather from it all is. You would'nt have been happy, even if you got married to him and to his family. There must be a voice that is telling you all this. listen to it.

    We are muslims, we are taught to be thankful and to do shukra in very situation. Try to be that person, who can smile.

    you may want to hate him, and wish him bad luck. but you don't want to do that. right?

    Wish him the best, Wish him the happiness with someone else, that you wanted to have with him.
    Accept the facts.

    I know it is very hard for you. and I can understand. you have two options. either to make your heart hard as stone and put your walls around your heart again. that you took down for him.

    that is not your only option. you have another option!

    Learning to hate someone is very easy. Doing the right thign always very hard and difficult

    You know you are not the same person, you were when you met him. you might feel transformed. right?

    Accept the fact, That he blocked you on facebook. They disrespected your father. They accused him of making issues to cancel the the marriage plans.

    What they are doing, is dead wrong. they are showing their true colors. Take it as a blessing.

    Wish him well. pray for him. stay true to what is in yoru heart. but at the same time. admit it. He has moved on. the marriage is cancelled. he will marry someone else and have children to her.

    Do not let darkness grow in your heart. wish him well. do not let the thoughts of him marrying someone else. make you grow dark inside. We can not control who we choose to love. but we can not also control and make someone love us if they dont' want to .

    If you have lost your appetite for food, and you can't sleep at night. these are signs of depression. I had them too. try to overcome them. It might take you a few months upto two years. but during this time you have to overcome.

    Believe in your heart, that you are not at fault. you want to do good and prove yourself worthy to him. but he is not interested in listening to you. he has stopped caring.

    You don't need his approval to find happiness. you just need your own.
    you don't have to defend yourself to him. and give him answers and explanations.

    you need to sit and talk to yourself. and help yourself come trough this all. happier and better than before.

    You can't sit in prayer and ask Allah, to force him to make him fall in love with you.
    You can only ask Allah, if it is His Will.

    And believe me, you have nothign to worry about.
    cause if it is the Will of Allah, that you two are meant to be together.
    then nothign on this earth can stop that.

    But you must also accept the fact, that if it does'nt ever happen.
    It's because it is the will of Allah.
    and there is a better man for you out there.

    Don't waste your dream on him, and your love on him. who does'nt even look back at you.
    Save it for the right man, and wait for him. be patient.

    Don't go doubting yourself and blaming yourself.
    Set yourself free. Love is a prison, where we want to stay trapped in it, and we dont' want to get out.
    love is blind they say.

    don't be blind.
    Study islam, research, what kind of a man should you be married to? what qualities should he have?
    how will you know that it is the right person? Study about marriage and rights of husbands and wifes.
    it will help you come to a better understanding

    We know. the only thing allowed in Islam is Divorce, and that is the thing most detested in islam.
    you want to save your marriage. you want to do the right thing. you don't to give up. because you feel, you would be walkign away from the only chance of happiness that you are ever going to have in your life.

    You did what you could. and you did nothing wrong. He left you. it's his decision. you can't force him to come back to you. to move on.

    Make your life worth living again.

    Our Holy Prophet Mohammad (SAW) faced so many difficulties in his life. went through so much pain. yet he is still remembered for his wonderful and amazing smile. he was always seen smiling.

    remember, Shaitaan. What did he do? that he was once an angel, and then an outcast?
    Shaitaan argued, and what was that argument about. It was about love.

    I hope you know what I am talking about. and I hope you understand this.

    Let Allah take care of you. Stop trying to make things happen. stop trying to be in control. Allah knows better than us. our hands our small. we are but a speck on a speck.

    But we are not alone. Allah is watching and taking care of us.
    Remember Allah. pray to Him. Pray to him, with all of your heart. and your tears.
    Having tears in your eyes for some guy, you are wasting your tears!
    Havign tears while praying to Allah, Allah will reward you for each and every single tear you cry.

    Ask Allah to help you. Allah is waiting for you to ask Him.
    And be at rest, Allah Is always looking after you. He is the best source, the best provider. And whatever plans Allah has for you, they are the best for you.

    I know the memories, must haunt you.

    Build yourself to be a better human being and Muslim.
    Join the gym, read books Study Islam.
    don't let the memories make your weak.
    Cherish them. but remember they are a part of your past. and move on.

    if you have any more questions. let me know. i would happy if i can help you

    take care

    regards
    Khwab

  6. Asalam Alaikum Wa Rehmatullah,

    Sister, I would like to thank you for sharing your experience.

    I too am going through a very similar experience. My engagement to an amazing woman recently came to an abrupt end.

    Like yourself, she was studying family medicine, and I had grown to love, respect, and enjoy her company constantly. She was the person I would think about first the in the morning, and last person in the night.

    I grew closer to Allah (Swt) to thank him for blessing me with such an amazing prospective partner. I could not be happier - for I thought she would make me successful in deen, duniya, and akhira.

    Unfortunately, I was being strung from the beginning. Her mother was extremely influential and possessive in her life, and she did not want to let go of her daughter to be in a different city with me - and she started intervening that introduced drifts between my fiancée and I. Her mother wanted me to move from my city to hers, which meant I had to sell my house, move jobs that I was successful and reputable at, all of which I was willing to do. I understood that my fiancée needed to complete her med school residency in the city, which coincidently was in the same city as her mother resided, and not in the city that I was in, though I am now finding out that my city has a shortage of family med doctors and has open positions for residency programs. She also created limitations that she had to be so close that she could not live at my parents after marriage, who had adjusted their lives and house to accommodate her very comfortably. They were another 10 minutes away from her parents residence.

    Rather she expected me to move to her city, and if I wanted my elderly parents to reside with us, they were expected to relocate to her mothers city as well. It was a case of me marrying into their family. According to her and her family the sharia says that the man is to live with this wife, instead of the wife has to live with her husband.

    And when I started asking questions, she abruptly brought the relationship to a close - without engaging in further discussion or trying to find a resolution. She and her parents did not try to discuss any matters but closed the matter quickly.

    It has been hurting since - as it is quite recent (Mar 2017, rignt now it's April 2017 as I write). But I am starting to see it as a blessing in disguise. It is better to marry someone who is reasonable, than someone who is manipulating and unreasonable. I too built strong feelings for her - as I expected her to become my wife, best friend, the mother of my children - but when she ended matters - she took away dreams of me completing my deen, being a husband, a father, and more.

    This is all a way for Allah to remove toxic people from our lives, and guide us to people that would be best for our deen, duniya, and akhira, inshAllah.

    Allhumdulilah, that Allah is putting us through a test, for all tests are there to strengthen you - proceed with great sabr, shukar, and astagfar and you will come out a winner inshAllah.

    And may Allah direct us to the best partners one can ask for to make us successful in deen, duniya, and akhira InshAllah.

    • Zee, are her initials S and H? Because I'm being asked the same thing and we got engaged in April 2017?

      • There's no need to ask about people's identities, as most people on this website prefer to remain anonymous. Anyway it's a big world and the chance of it being the same person is almost zero. Certain situations are common and could easily happen to completely different people in the same way.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I've been through a similar situation like yours with the engagement broken off by the girls parents. It's been over a year for you but I am just at the initial stages.

      Just like you I wanted to marry her to grow closer to Allah and it was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was very thankful to Allah and everything. Our relationship was very good till the end even after when everything broke off.

      I just want to know how you are dealing with life and everything(iman) after a year has passed.

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