How can I find suitable partner to avoid giving in to strong carnal urges and falling in sin?
Salam,
I'm a 21 female, and have a similar problem to one of the previous posts on this site - about having very strong carnal urges or a high 'sex drive.' Tbh I thought it was normal when younger because of the influx of hormones etc but it's steadily increased over the years to the stage where I think that I definitely need to get married ASAP.
Usually these forums how guys having this problem, and I'm kind of relieved that other girls also have it too. I've followed the advice of previous messages made on this site like avoiding movies, keeping myself busy with a hobby (baking in this case) having friends which are good Muslims etc but sometimes these feelings just occur randomly and they don't go away for ages! (When I mean ages, I mean for weeks intermittently)
Even recently, I'm studying for my exams and could not be more preoccupied but it just arrives - and is a major distraction. I don't do anything about them (i.e masterbation) but these feelings are very frustrating . Because of this, I'm currently looking for a husband as well, but it's very difficult finding someone who follows his faith well, has good character and is educated (I'm currently studying dentistry at university myself and so this makes it even harder). I don't know any males in my year at university that even pray salah!! And I don't speak to anyone in other years/doing other courses etc. it's also difficult for my family to try and help me because my mum doesn't know anyone i.e community/friends wise and I don't have a father to help me in this situation.
I won't go into my past too much but also because of my father I have issues when it comes to trusting people - if I WERE to find someone, how could I know if they were to treat me in the same way? What's the best way to judge someone's character?
Any advice on these aspects would be greatly appreciated, sorry for the long rant.
Jazakallah khairun,
MH19.
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Salam sister,
I just posted something a while back, so I'm not sure if it was me you were referring to about a previous post and high sex drive. As you know I'm dealing with some issues myself on that, so I won't comment on how to distract yourself... however, I was able to force myself through the rigors of choosing a good man for marriage, so I'll give you some advice here.
I'm not sure if you have any males in your life that are like brothers, who would really look out for your interests as a Muslim, while getting you what you want... with my brothers and father, they always looked out for me Islam wise, and found good muslims, but always brought me men that weren't educated or weren't attractive, etc. Of course Islam and deen come first, but I wasn't willing to settle until I was at the end of my rope and Alhamdulillah I never got to that point, I found a good man online (Yes! online) and then put him through the tests.
So I hear lots of horror stories on this site, and I have to say... No, this isn't one of those stories where we met on facebook, or in a chat room. I actually registered to several Muslim Marriage sites. I got LOTS of replies, and spent months talking to people, being VERY picky, deleting those that gave me a bad energy or said something that I didn't like until I found my husband. He contacted me first, but it was I who was proactive enough to register myself. After we spoke, and I found out about his life, his practicing, his personality, his temperament, his past (which your suitors should be 100% transparent and honest about, never afraid to answer any question!), of course his appearance as pictures were exchanged upon first initial contact because I didn't want to waste time with someone I wasn't attracted to, then we started talking to find if we could be compatible with each other.
Some say it's haram, others say it's halal. When people say this, they always say that two people non mehram are Not allowed in the same room alone for any time, and are very strict. At that time I have to remind them of what the Qur'an ACTUALLY says... if two people of the opposite sex are in a room alone or alone in any way that opens doors for sin, then shaytan is the third. Also, it says that two people may be alone (but you shouldn't do anything that would invite gossip or dishonor or make you uncomfortable), but if you feel that you may commit sin, then it is not allowed. Allah holds us responsible for our own actions. It's men who have no faith in the self control of other men and woman and so make a blanket rule that two people should not be alone together. But take into consideration your personal circumstances... the fact that your sex drive is unusually high, that you're in the prime of your sexuality, and so forth and be responsible with yourself and guard your body and your honor until you're married.
So after we found we were attracted to eachother, he drove 4 hours to meet me while my family was home. We all sat and met in a common space of the house. My family is American so it wasn't overly formal, very relaxed to allow a relationship to bloom if the potential was there. Later, he drove back two more times, these times being taken into another part of the house with all the men to be asked many questions. Later he got the 'all clear' from my family, he proposed, and wedding preparations began.
I have to say, it's a new age, and a new day. The internet is both a blessing and a curse, it is what we make of it. After all... look at this website! So use it to shop for a husband... the world is your store. Just remember that just like in the store, you have to decide the difference between something that appears expensive and high quality, but will fall apart soon after you buy it. How do you determine this in the stores? Research! Customer reviews (talk to his family), and close inspections of the item (the man) to make sure it's not just a low quality item with a high price tag (make sure he shows no signs of hiding anything or issues like anger, bad jealousy or past offenses against women, also make sure his legal status and immigration status are proven.)
It sounds like a lot of hard work, but I'm telling you it's a lot of fun and finding a good one is like mining for gold. Try sites associated with your University too. That might help. Take care.
JZK
Oh and by the way, the part where my husband was taken aside by the men to be 'interrogated' for hours at a time is where the men in YOUR life that I mentioned you will need would come in. No matter how you find someone, you'll find that putting him through the test of being questioned by men who know what you want and are looking out for your best interests only serves several purposes... it shows he's really interested and is willing to be a man and work for your hand, and it gives an opportunity for someone else to see something that might cause problems.
Take care
Wa'alaykumsalam,
There are many ways of finding a spouse. Majority of the muslims prefer to go through the recommendations of family members. However, if your family is unable to help in this process, then you are allowed to start looking for yourself insha'Allah.
1. Ask your married friends if their husbands know of any single brothers. Make sure you let your friends know what you are looking for in a spouse.
2. It is also fine to meet someone through school or work or a community gathering as long as the parameters of modest behaviors and shariah limits are observed. If you meet someone you would like to discuss marriage with, just arrange for the brother to meet your wali or family.
3) Talk to an Imam in a masjid or Islamic centres for them to find a suitable partner.
4) Register yourself in a muslim marriage bureau.
5) There are muslim matrimonial website where you may find potential suitors. In my opinion, this method of seeking spouse is most dangerous. The bad outweighs the good and the percentage for success is relatively low.
You being a born muslim, I believe it isn't difficult for you to find a pious muslim. Your chances to find a pious good potential partner is high even though your father is not present. Matrimonial sites must be the last option.
If you meet someone who you might like in university or elsewhere, then hanging out, eating out etc is out of the question. No dating basically, inform your family directly.
A note of caution about online matrimonials: The nature of cyberspace lends itself to anonymity. It's very easy for people to misrepresent themselves online. So, never give out your personal information.
If you feel that someone has potential, get that person in touch with your wali or family. Make sure that your wali or family thoroughly checks this person out about his backgorund, family etc And always insist that the potential suitor provide references. This advice applies to whoever you meet, whether it's through online or offline.
In a spouse, look first for the religiously committed person and then the rest. For a person who sincerely fears Allah and aims jannah normaly ends up being a great husband. He should be modest in behavior and respectful. Our Prophet is the most shy person even when compared to the most shy virgin girl.
Once again, it's important to consider two things:
1. Always meet in the presence of your wali or family members. This is for your protection. Your father is your natural wali, or guardian. But since Allah took him away, then I would suggest your grandfather, brother, or uncle. If none are available, then it is imperative that you ask an imam or a pious mature brother from the community to act as your wali. Once you find a potential suitor, make sure to direct him to your wali.
“ Whichever woman married without her guardian’s permission, her marriage is invalid, invalid, invalid” ( Hadith Abu dawood, tirmidhi )
2. If you correspond via email or talk on the phone, make sure that your conversations are reflective of Islamic propriety. Once you feel attracted to each other and are quite sure you want to marry, then I would suggest that you cut down emailing and phone conversations. This is better for both of you in terms of adab. At this point, it is better to have serious meetings in the presence of your folks to hash out the final details of the wedding.
Finally, keep all these important points in mind,
- " If you fear Allah , then do not be soft in speech [to men], lest he in whose heart is disease should covet, but speak with appropriate speech." ( Quran 33:32 )
- "And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment..." (Quran 24:31)
- Ibn `Abbas said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) give a sermon. He said, ‘A man should not seclude himself with a woman except that there be with her someone who is of unmarriageable kin (mahram).’” [Hadith Bukhari, Muslim]
- Imam Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) narrated in Sharh Muslim (14/153) that there is scholarly consensus that it is haraam for a man to be alone with a non-mahram woman.This was also mentioned by al-Haafiz in al-Fath (4/77)
- U'mar reported that the Prophet(saw) said "When a man is alone with a woman then the third with them is Shaytaan" (Hadith Tirmidhi)
- " O you who have believed, do not follow the footsteps of Satan. And whoever follows the footsteps of Satan - indeed, he enjoins immoralityand wrongdoing. And if not for the favor of Allah upon you and His mercy, not one of you would have been pure, ever, but Allah purifies whom He wills, and Allah is Hearing and Knowing." (Quran 24:21)
- "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." ( Quran 17:32)
Do not hasten to marry. Have patience. Your best weapon right now is DU'A. Be dutiful towards Allah first. Make your eman strong. Ask Allah to grant you a pious husband who will love you, protect you, respect you etc. Pray the voluntary prayers. Ask Allah to forgive you for the sins you may have committed unintentionally ( as we all do ), cry to Allah and nag Him. May Allah ease your situation and grant you what you wish and protect you from all evils and keep you safe. Ameen.
Sister I posted this advice months ago to someone I will tell you aswell.
1. Ask yourself: Why am I getting married.
This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.
Marriage is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.
As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family,” says Imam Muhammad Nur Abdullah, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. He conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for two decades.
“Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he adds.
2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.
Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).
This of course, applies to women as well.
However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it's probably the last factor on too many Muslims' list.
According to Tasneem Qadeer, one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America's matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.
And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements in Islamic publications for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and beautiful”.
“If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first,” says Aneesah Nadir, president of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada.
She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship.
3. If you're looking for a spouse lower your gaze.
This may seem like a contradiction, but it's not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes.
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).
“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms...” (Quran 24:31).
“Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be Islamically acceptable.
Imam Nur Abdullah notes that looking at a potential mate is recommended according to the Hadith in which the Prophet said: “When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...” (Abu Dawud).
This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare.
Abdullah also notes there is no limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other. However, both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to satisfy the need for physical attraction to the person you are marrying.
He also notes it is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or her husband). Abdullah says seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction.
4. Get someone to help
Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse or initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.
Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).
Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual's character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in general.
This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.
For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.
However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.
If parents, other family members, an Imam or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.
5. Always ask for references
This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate's references.
A reference can include an Imam who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.
A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.
The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab, can help in this regard:
A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”
“No.”
“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”
“No.”
“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”
“No.”
“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”
“Yes.”
“Go, for you do not know him...”
And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”
(quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)
This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate's character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.
6. When you meet, don't be alone
The Prophet said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi).
He also advised men: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).
Meeting alone, in the hotel room during a conference for instance, is not permissible. The prospective spouses should not place themselves in a situation where no one else can see or hear them.
Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example.
As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends Shahina Siddiqui, president of the Islamic Social Services Association‘s Canada branch. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.
7. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.
The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.
Imam Nur Abdullah says some of the topics discussed can include each other's interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses' relationship with their parents.
He notes that conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship.
This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.
With regards to questions pertaining to a person's sexual history (for example, has s/he had a boy/girlfriend, does s/he have any type of sexually transmitted diseases), Imam Nur Abdullah says these things have to be investigated at the very beginning, when the communication for marriage begins. This is not something that should be brought up at the last stage.
Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country, with in-laws or in their own apartment/home).
The Imam also says the couple can even get a blood test to ensure both are healthy. Some states require this before marriage.
Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between them.
Aswak,
I am going thru the same phase in my life.
I am male of 30 years, I feel I too have high sex drive but I have very high control on my instinct. People find me attractive and charming. Career wise I am a Engineer by profession and make decent money.
I am looking for a spouse since from 2 year but I am not able to find anyone interesting. I want someone to whom I am attracted and I desire which will keep me movitated in my life and eventually will be easy for me to give all the rights a wife has.Now I am frustruated with this hunt process and I fear that I may loose my self control and commit zina. I am in States and I feel its easy to find attractive women here and indulge in haraam relationship.
I am scared that if I haste nd marry someone I am not attracted to, I may start looking out for my physical satisfaction and I don't wanna deceive my spouse. So I feel its better for me to wait untill I find my right one.
but how long is it going to take ?
I am loosing my hopes now. Can someone advise me what should I do.
One thing stood out for me you said you are looking for somebody "who follows his faith well, has good character and is educated". In my experience talking with people, the 'educated' part is completely out-of-line in some cultures. Being educated does not mean you need a university degree. There are many intelligent people with great careers that never went to university. Stick to the criteria that is based upon the deen and character.