Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Desperate for a divorce, but no way out

Divorce decree

Hi, i've been married for about 4 years now. whilst engaged to my now husband, we would always fight and it was obvious that he had an uncontrolable temper, and when i tried to end it, my parents (including older brothers and uncles) insisted that when we got married things will be better. When we got married, he would physically abuse me alot and put me down. I would always forgive him and forget, hoping it will be the last time. he would always abuse me and later on tell me he didnt mean it and that he loved me and so on. So i waited.

When i tried to leave him, several times, my family would disagree and i wouldnt be allowed to leave him. While being abused, obviously depression followed and I was always unhappy. after a long time of abuse, I couldnt keep forgetting anymore and started to hate him.When he would come home, I would feel as though my enemy was coming, and get myself out of my relaxed state. Many many times I have asked to leave him, but was told that it wasnt allowed.

After a while I wasn't scared of him anymore and I didnt care if he hit me or not. A while back he stopped hitting me, but I dont feel anything towards him and I forgive him, but I feel as though I need to move on with my life, without him, and even until recently I have tried to leave him and I still am not allowed, despite the fact that i am now a fully grown adult with a 1 and a half year old child. I could go on forever, but i wont. I will say that I have never changed my mind about leaving him, and my family is old fashioned, and that death is probably the easiest option for me.

I have planned it many times, but I'm too scared bcoz I know its haraam. I know this empty relationship will lead me to commit sins like adultery and fornication, which is why I'm desperate to leave him. I have thought about running away, but i dont want leave him without getting an official divorce, because I know I couldnt come back later for it if I ever wanted to remarry. Do you have any suggestions on how I could get a divorce in this situation? If not what can you suggest, because I feel like I'm at the end of the road. And the sooner I leave the better


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7 Responses »

  1. Sahar,

    Do you have any where you could go? Other family members that could help you? For your family to tell you to stay in an abusive marriage, that's just wrong. No where in Islam does it tell Muslims sisters to suck it up and deal.

    Don't know where you live but if you happen to be in the United States, one phone call to 911 will have the police at your home. If he hits you, he will go to jail even for a short period of time. He might be mad as a hornet that you called them but one thing is for certain, he will think twice before hitting you again.

    Your family should be backing you up and caring for you instead of neglecting your cries for help. I do not understand the Muslim ummah and how they continue to keep their daughters in marriages that reek of abuse, physical and mental. It's just wrong on so many levels.

    Give up the idea of ending your life as you have a little one who is depending on you and they need you. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Be a good wife but never a door mat for anyone to wipe their feet on. May Allah guide you and keep you safe.


  2. Dear Sahar,

    Things will only change for you, when you realise that you no longer require your parent's permission to make your life choices - you are an adult with a brain, with a heart, with feelings and with the wisdom to know that you deserve to be happy and not with an abusive man.

    Since your family are unwilling to help you, you need to make a plan in which you are not reliant on them. So think and make a positive plan to continue your life with the dignity and the happiness you deserve. You can divorce your husband through Khula, you would need to consult with a shariah council or a qualified Mufti/Imam to advise you on the process. Do you have financial savings? If not, can you find work in order to move out? Or do you have any trust worthy female friends whom you can move in with temporarily? If you have neither the finances, nor any friends you can move out with, do you know of any women's refuges?

    Sister - there is a way forward if you want to take it. You are not doing anything wrong by taking control of your life and you 'are allowed' to make your own choices. Women have for too long been supressed in many so called Muslim communities instead of being taught the ability 'to choose and act'. Separate yourself from this oppressive way of backward thinking that 'you are not allowed', this is the only way you will find the freedom that Allah has given you. Because: 'You ARE allowed!'

    If you want us to help put you in touch with reliable women's refuges or organisations that can help you move on from your violent marriage, please write here and let us know which country you reside in insha'Allah.

    SisterZ Editor

  3. One more thing: Sometimes the people we love or the people who claim to love us, hold us back. This is one of those times for you. Don't let your family hold you back anymore Sister. I am not telling you to break ties with your family, not at all. Maintain your ties with your family (parents, siblings etc); and at the same time, do what you need to do do move forward with your life. And if there is anything we can do to help you take that step, then all you have to do is ask here.

    Insha'Allah you will find the strength to do what is best for YOU, aameen.

    SisterZ Editor

  4. Hello,
    First I want to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. Secondly I want to say there is hope an you do have a way out. I am going to give you some advice, I am a practicing certified domestic violence counselor who also works a crisis line, the majority of work I do currently is crisis work. First advice I will give you is towards hat we call a safety plan. One thing to do before leaving is to compile all the things you may need to start over, prepare for the worst, that you may not be able to return to the home. Obtain copies or the originals if possible of you and your children's identification papers, social security, birth certificates and shot records. Of possible save an store in the same place as much cash as possible, using cards can lead a trail to where you are. If any of you are on medications arrange for a way to have an extra supply of possible or have them very handy for when you are ready to leave, include clothing and other essentials as well. These things should be stored in a bag that easily accessible to you but that he will not be able to find as this can cause more problems for you. Try a friends house if possible. Have a plan on where you are going to go before you leave, this will ease your anxiety such places include domestic violence shelters. If you research these either do not use your home computer or make sure you clear your history, you do not want to tip him off. Be very careful who you share your intentions with preferably only one person you truly trust. When you leave do it at a time that you know he will be gone for awhile without chance of coming to catch you leaving, such as leaving for work. I do not want to scare you but the reality is that when a victim is leaving their domestic violence situation it is the most deadly time for them. You can do this, you are a strong woman and God will provide you with the extra strength you need, nobody deserves to live in this fear and to be treated this was. While your child is young there are still profound effects this can have on him. Know that this is not your fault and just because you have stayed before does not mean you ever asked or deserved to be treated this way. Call crisis lines for further advice if needed, it is most likely not local for you but my agencies number is 504-837-5400 in new Orleans Louisiana and they can refer you to an agency in your area an answer any questions you have or just listen if you need to talk. It is a 24 hour line so call whenever you can. Not knowing how you will make everything work out can be scary an I will not tell you that it will be easy but you CAN do it. It took immense strength to reach out and look for advice here an that is an amazing thing to do and a true testament to your strength. Stay strong, take it one day at a time and you will make it through, I see women do it all the time. You deserve better and you have more support than you know, it may not come from who you hoe it would but it is there. Please post if you have more questions and I will do my bet to answer them. Now go out there and get the life you and your child deserve! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  5. Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah
    As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu

    Suicide - Its Not An Escape !

    In a society like the West - that prides itself for freedom and liberty to attain maximum happiness, suicide ought to be the furthest from the mind ?

    Yet it is not an uncommon practice and may be someone who is close to you and opens up to you and you may be the only person who can help.

    Suicide, resorted to in times of crisis as an end to those worries, is not only prohibited in Islam but it is also not an escape.

    This article illustrates how Islam provides an alternative that is worth living for!

    All praise and gratitude is to Allah – our Creator, Provider and the Maintainer of all the worlds.

    In Allahs care…

    He brought together the sperm and the ovum from deep within two separate individuals, lodged the fertilized egg safely and prepared the uterus for the creation of a life – helpless and dependent on its Creator from the day of conception and beyond its birth, the vibrant youth, prudent adulthood up to its death at a senile old age and beyond to another life – its real home.

    Not a day passes except that the same Creator sustains this life – and the six billion others like it on the planet – with attention to the most minute of its needs. It breathes effortlessly without even noticing the complex art and perfection in the organs that enable it.

  6. Thus suicide forbidden in Quran and hadith…

    Given that Allah promised to undertake the sustenance and any delay thereafter or withholding of any of its needs being merely for a trial, then there is no room for a person to take away the life that Allah has created for an important purpose and meticulously sustaining it each second for that purpose.

    He prohibited the destroying of ones life in any manner as understood by the general meaning of the wording of this verse, “And do not throw (yourselves) with your own hands to destruction; but work (deeds of) excellence for verily Allah loves the people of excellence.” [Surah Baqarah 2:195]

    Thus we are ordered to not destroy ourselves rather to direct the mind and energies to doing good deeds that please Allah. In another verse, “And do not kill yourselves. Surely, Allaah is Most merciful to you.” [Surah Nisaa 4:29]

    In fact the taking of even one life is regarded as the taking of the life of the whole of mankind, “Whoever kills a soul – unless for another soul or for corruption (vice and mischief spread) in the land – it is as if he had slain the whole of mankind. And whoever saves one – it is as if he had saved the whole of mankind.”
    [Surah Maidah 5:32]

    The noun, soul (nafs) in the verse is without the definite particle. In Arabic, an indefinite noun in a conditional clause gives the meaning of generality and comprehensiveness.. Thus, the verse is not only concerning the taking of a soul of another person but even ones own life for both are souls created and entrusted to us by Allah. This is not only prohibited but strongly condemned as though he killed the whole of mankind.

    The Messenger of Allah (May the peace and blessings be on him) also prohibited it as learnt from the following hadith. "Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself, he will be in the Fire of Hell throwing himself down for ever and ever. Whoever drinks poison and kills himself will have the poison in his hand, drinking it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron (i.e. a weapon) will have that piece of iron in his hand, stabbing himself in the stomach with it in the Fire of Hell forever and ever." (Compiled in Sahih Bukhari).



    Suicide - Its Not An Escape !

    In a society like the West - that prides itself for freedom and liberty to attain maximum happiness, suicide ought to be the furthest from the mind ?

    Yet it is not an uncommon practice and may be someone who is close to you and opens up to you and you may be the only person who can help.

    Suicide, resorted to in times of crisis as an end to those worries, is not only prohibited in Islam but it is also not an escape.

    This article illustrates how Islam provides an alternative that is worth living for!

    All praise and gratitude is to Allah – our Creator, Provider and the Maintainer of all the worlds.


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