Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorced but not able to forget my ex-husband

I don't feel any love

Asalam Alaikum  Brothers/Sisters,

This is my third post. My first post is  shud i marry him  or not? Mufti says i can. I am a divorcee (talaq bayan).  I am issueless. It's been more than a year that I am divorced. Mashallah I got the job which is keeping me busy, but I don't have friends or female colleagues to spent my time with. I am living with my parents who are old. I don't cry in front of my parents because they are sick and very sad because of my divorce, if they will see me crying it will make them even more sad. I cry when I am alone or in the washroom. When I am alone at home I cry alone for hours.

I miss my past and my ex-husband, and sometimes think if I would  not have done this it would not have happened. I remember small things about my husband like when he would go to the office he used to hug me etc. After divorce every woman gets a feeling to satisfy her emotional needs and physical needs, but thanks to Allah tabaraktala I sometimes feel an emotional need but not at all any physical need (sex etc.) Allah has given me control over this emotion, and even when I see any guy or a man I cannot even for a second get that feeling of sex or love. I want to be a good girl and don't want to indulge in any bad activities, which I am maintaining by the grace of Allah.

Sometimes when I am at home I miss my husband and I cry a lot. My parents are looking for a match for me but I cannot imagine myself with anyone else. My ex-husband called me few days back and he also cried for a moment, and when I asked him to come home and talk to my parents and discuss the matter before it will be too late, he did not reply me back. He might be afraid of his father because he only said that if Allah wants then we can be together. I requested him to come home once but he says my parents should go to their place.

My parents says he has given me talaq in anger so he and his parents should come and discuss the matter. His parents are not ready to come to my home. If they will come home I will also be present and everything will be discussed in front of me, because after talaq I cannot go back to their home before nikah. But my ex-husband had given me talaq by phone to my father is not ready to come to my home for reconciliation. After 10 days of my talaq, I and my parents decided for reconciliation, but going for second nikah with the same man is a big decision so my family and I wanted to have a discussion and talk before nikaah. However my father in law wanted only nikaah and no talk.

At one point in time the nikaah was finalized and they were coming home as my father had arranged witness from their side also. On the same day my husband called me and said in  a loud and sarcastic way that he doesn't want anyone to say anything to his father. I told my father and my father spoke to his father about my husband's behaviour and his father in anger said "I will marry my son elsewhere and you marry your daughter elsewhere". My father was heartbroken and felt  insulted for him and for me. I don't know whether it's right to go back to him or not. Will he change his  attitude? And he only cries but does not step ahead and solve the problem. Is his crying genuine? Does he love me? All these questions pop in my mind. Go to my old post for the reference.

Please tell me how should I forget him and start afresh, and whether I really love him or it's just the effect of the loneliness with me. Pray for me that I get a religious, loving husband and the one who respects my feeling and emotions.

I repent in front of Allah in namaaz. In all my namaaz I cry with tears falling from my eyes from the bottom of my heart very deeply because I think Allah is giving me punishment for my bad deeds-whatever I did knowingly and unknowingly to date (I am 29 yrs old). Will Allah forgive me??? How will I know that He has forgiven me?

Allah Hafiz


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51 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    I would say let your husband read this email, and tell him you want him back?

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    You seem to be in a state of confusion at the moment as on one hand you believe you love your husband and want to remain with him, then you are thinking maybe you are just lonely. Also you refer to him as husband and ex.

    I'm afraid I'm not proficient in the different stages of divorce and whether there is a way back. Clarify with an imam where you stand first. You need to make a firm stance and not waste any more time, energy and emotions. If there is Islamically an allowance for a reunion then speak with him and see where you stand. His or his parents somewhat arrogant stance on the matter is already an obstacle however. If there is no way back or if he chooses not to then aim to swiftly move on.

    In moving on, it can be very difficult. However it is something that must be experienced with great patience. Once he is completely divorced from you, you are both strangers, so dwell no more. Do not look back into the past but only to learn from it, as lamenting about the past invites the shaytaan in.

    Focus on yourself and your parents. Join a fitness class or other hobby and try to form new acquaintances with other sisters. Good company can be a great remedy. Use this time to improve yourself as you can marry again and you want to be at your best.

    Remember, we may have companions on the way in our journey back to Allah, however on the Day of Recompense, we stand alone. You are an individual and not half a person. Remember Allah and you are never alone.

  3. Salaam,

    After reading ur post it reminded me of my past as I am divorced as well and how one goes thru such pain in the beginning. Its normal to have such feelings wen ur married to someone and then become divorced.

    I think ur also in a state of confusion and really need to ask urself is this wut u realy want? Does he also feel the same way cuz it does take joint effort to make a marriage work. U can feel a certain way abt sumone and they can totally be influenced by their families or just loose those feelings over time. Remember women are more sensitive than men.

    Have u tried to do istikhaara to see if this is the right thing to do, as far as getting back with ur ex?
    Please do keep in mind ur respect and ur parents respect is important too. If this guy truly loves u and values this marriage he wud come to u. Dnt loose ur respect. A womens respect is important and before that her parents.

    Ask Allah to do whats right for u and bring the truth in front. May Allah make it easy for u ameen.

  4. Assalmu Alaykum, My dear Respected sister in islam,

    After reading your story, I cried a lot and lot. InshaAllah you and parents will be there in my all Du'as.

    I do not have so much knowledge to reply to your post, Because your in very high confusion,

    Sister, Have a great faith in ALLAH and perform Istighara, Keep your self busy in ibadats

    May ALLAH give guidance to all of us follow the right path. Ameen!

  5. Sister,

    I understand how you are feeling. I am still waiting for official divorce from my husband and we have been apart from some time. I still think about him. I think about the good times we had and get upset. But then i think about the bad things his done to me to get us to this stage and i hate him again! I think when soneone dies or when we get divorced there is that grieving stage, that it has all come to an end. We can't stop reminising about the old times. Its natural everyone goes through this and even more so if your feeling lonely!

    I read your first post. After everything your husband has done to you how can you think of going back to him??! He has put you through so much pain! Do you really want to experience this all over again?

    I don't think your confused. You are being carried away by your emotions. You feel lonely you want a partner? You think only your husband will satisfy this need. You dont think about the bad things his done to you.

    Let me tell you a bit of my story. My husband was abusing me. Liying cheating gambling etc etc. he kept leaving me and then kept coming back everytime asking for forgiveness. I took him back them the abuse started all over again! Once we were ready to divorce. I made up my mind i had enough he wont change. He came back after 4 months crying with his relatives. They all assured me he has changed and put conditions on him, cant stay out late, has to pay bills etc etc. then we reconcilled. My husband was all nice to me like butter wouldnt melt. I was the happiest women alive! But my happiness was shortlived after two weeks he start abusing me cheating liying etc etc. de ja vu all over again! Its just a game to these men. Then i knew in my mind that he will never change! Now we are divorcing . I have never looked back since i know i have made the right decision.

    So dont fall prey to your husbands crocadile tears. Be strong and think with your head not your heart. Us women our too emotional for our own good and always end up making decisions based on emotions! Look the father doesnt want to even talk. Your husband is not even begging to get you back! He wants you to go back to him just like that! What jokers! If you want to consider giving him a chance them him and his family have to change their behavouir significantly. You need to have some strong assurance from their side that they will treat you right.

    I think just carry on wiv your life make new friends. Look for a good brother for marriage. If your husband begs to come back then you can start considering. Then you can lay the law down strongly on the nikah contract. Demand a big some of money! Demand the right to divorce, have a strong back up. Then your husband and farher in law will be warned that if they mess about again there will be severe consequences! Then only you will consider remarrying him!

    May Allah give you peace and give you a pius loving husband. Xxx

    • Yes my dear same story here with my life. Always he abused me, again lie , cheating , for dowry physical and mental torchur, contnue relation with out girl, but always i fall in his trap, belive him. Now i m 8month over pregnant, he going to another marry, without knowing me anything. I m in my father house. So i know how the pain is

    • Assalamalikum sister,

      I hope you gained much encouragement by reading the similar tragic stories by other sisters, we are never alone, its just our state of mind that makes us feel all alone.
      I am myself in similar situation.
      Just stay strong and fight back. In my case i have two innocent children to take care of.
      You should be happy you are all alone and can easily start a new life if you overcome this phase of your life.
      I know its easier said then done.
      I pray nobody face this situation in their life and may Allah put peace in our hearts.

      • I'm in a similar situation with two children and he sent me divorce papers when I was visiting my father 3 months after my mom passed away. He had often tried to abuse me verbally, financially and emotionally. There was no physical abuse, extra marital affairs, gambling, drinking involved at all. I always ignored the bad times because to be honest there was more good times than bad. The last two years were abit rough but we both managed to come out of it together. The last 3-4 months had been very peaceful and happy and I don't understand why he did it. Now I realize that his mom and sister created so many misunderstandings inbetween. They told me not to message or talk to him because he was upset and didn't let us communicate at all during the iddat. The 3 month iddat period is over now and I can see that he is starting to feel guilt and remorse. But he has a huge ego and will never be able to apologize or contact me. Moreover his mom is still creating problems inbetween but I feel he has started seeing things little by little.
        I don't know what to do and if he ever does contact us what to do or say. I miss him a lot and so do my children and it's really difficult to live with someone for so long and then just not be able to see them or talk to them. I can't think of anyone else in his place, I'm 40 years old and my kids are teenagers. I'm not in the age to remarry, build a career or to go to university again. I am scared to live life on my own as I've seen the change in men's behavior around me already.
        Please pray for me and my children that Allah puts in his heart to realize and take full responsibility of his mistakes. I want my children to live a happy life with both parents. I've been a very loyal and honest wife and supported him through all his ups and downs. Please pray to Allah that if I've done no wrong then Allah puts in his heart and our broken affairs are mended. You never know who's dua Allah might accept. Jazak Allah!

        • Salam sister. I’m so sorry to hear about your story. My heart goes out to you and your lovely children. May Allah grant you ease during this tribulation. I, like many of you sisters have gone through talaq and it’s not an easy situation. Sister , 40 is young, and your age shouldn’t be a barrier , you can and will remarry Inchallah. Although I don’t have kids , all I can say is that at least Allah blessed you with your two angels , focus on them and realize this man is a coward for leaving his family (you and your kids) and allowing his family to get involved in his personal affairs. I’ve noticed this pattern in our men and recently met a prospect who was serious about marriage and once his family knew of this they were completely against the union. He asked his father to phone mine to do in respected to doing Nikkah and the father refused (and never met me). In my opinion ,if a man is pious and wants to marry you within the
          Islamic parameters , then there shouldn’t be any excuses regardless of his family ties. If you display proper conduct and are in reasonable state of deen or getting there then I don’t understand why these so called “pious” families create obstacles and barriers. In my opinion , if he doesn’t come back with a proper proposal or reconciliation then Allah did you a favour.

        • Dear friends,
          I am not an Islamic scholar but as I experience life I realise that there are certain things which need courage. I am a divorced women at 29 and my situation was similar to one of yours. I got divorced because of my mother in law and my husband was a good man. I think if you really love someone you should make the first move to console him/her. If you really want to be together then go ahead and tell it to your spouse. No other words will be needed if you just tell your spouse that you want him/her in your life because you need him/her and if he /she feels the same way. Then go ahead and start a new life without complaints. Show some courage and forget about what people are saying. Forget about what your parents will think just tell them that you cannot live without your spouse and you love him/her. I am sure parents will understand and they will lead you towards the right decision. No parent will keep their children away from their beloved things. Parents go beyond their limits to make their children happy. JUST CONFESS YOUR FEELINGS IN FROMT OF YOUR OWN PARENTS ANS SPOUSE. HAVE THE COURAGE TO DO SO THERE IS NOTHING WRONG IN DOING SO. IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE JUST SAY IT. Keep the complaints aside
          - I will fight with you but I love
          - sometimes we would not agree on the same point but I love you
          And yes it is possible. Fighting doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other it means you love each other so much that you prefer to overcome the differences console your spouse and live happily again.
          If you can’t do this much be happy that you are divorced because if you don’t feel like taking the extra effort, you were never in love with that person. You were just adjusting with the norms of the society.
          Do istekhara!!! It REALLY HELPS
          Hope my effort is helpful for you to make a decision.

  6. Salam sister. I agree with sister Sumaira. Your today feelings cause of your short priod of divorce. as the time goes by, you will feel his past bad behavior to you will erase the love inside...May Allah present a good muslim husband for you. ameen

  7. dear Sister,

    I read your post and felt your pain.

    I tried to put myself in your shoes, as i have come very close too, i couldnt forget my husband and the good times but like my sister in law always says its the mind that plays with your emotions you want to hold onto the good times and forget the bad times thus why your so confused.

    he divorced you for a reason? think of that reason? things must have been bad for that divorce to take place... just concentrate on allah and hopfully something good will happen for you inshallah

  8. Asalam alaikum,

    After a long time i am writing. I have become very calm now.I want to share something with you all... My ex husband has lost his mother one month back. she died of cancer.she was all good bud suddenely within 3 month she was diagnosed with cancer and died. I came to know about this . I sent my father on her funeral and two qurans for magfarat of her . .My husband used to love her mother a lot.when i came to know about her death i cried a lot one for her and secondly for my husband bcoz he cant live without her mother ,then i thought i will go back to him bcoz he lost his mother so i will look after him. when my father went on her funeral he got to know that my husband got married one month back. he was in touch with me on phone and sms but he never told about his marriage to me. when i listen to this news i was shocked and shattered cried a lot bcoz i loved him so much but he married without thinking about me.he loved his mother alot but always insulted, cursed and hurt my mother use to cry even i cried bcoz i love my mother and cant see her insulted.even then my mother has spoken to my father in law, my sister in law and my ex husband on her mother's death and console them and sent one quran for her bakshish which she need the most he is crying for me and want to do nikah with me.he want to keep her wife and me both even my father in law wants that.but i dont want it.I cant live with other woman .when i used to beg him to come he never came now after marriage he want me back....he want two wives for enjoyment.anyways i decided that i will not go. their was one ray of hope which has also finished after he got married. He has made his life and got married. I am still alone.Only Allah is with me.I sometime feel lonliness but Allah is also alone so am i.Prey for my life(im writing this with tears in my eyes) that i also get a loving and understanding husband........bcoz i want to get married and want to have children & want to enjoy in this beautiful world created by Allah.......

    • Salam Sister

      I can feel the pain u passed through and the only thing i can tell u need to take a rest n thing to realize how he hurts u without any concern better u just remove him from yr mind n believe he wasn't Honest..

      • Guys please help

        I have a son but my husband left me for another woman and now he has two daughters with her,
        I just cannot forget him, its been 5 years please please please someone help me. Tell me something
        That motivates me, I want to be happy for my son. Every night i cant sleep or i sleep crying thinking he might
        Be sleeping with her . A year after his marriage he called me and he keeps that he misses me. But i dont talk
        To him i cant forget the pain he caused me , i hate his wife, now since so many years he messages me 10000s of messages saying he loves one day he will make nikah but its all just fraud i think. Why did Allah do this to me? I loved him so deeply but he gave his love to someone else this pain is killing me. Allah gave him happiness and snatched everything from me .
        Please somebody help me

    • Ameen , May The Great Almighty Allah grant all your wishes dear sister . May you get all the happiness on this earth and thereafter .

  9. Dear cheerful,

    I am in the same boat as you, victim of an unwanted divorce. Few things in life can surpass this pain, and I understood many of your thoughts and comments.

    I will make the same prayers I make for myself. May ALLAH SWT replace this trial by huge amounts of happiness. May we be granted love from blessed husbands who love, respect, appreciate us and are faithful. Be strong sis, and don't forget me in your duas.

  10. Insha Allah u will get a loving and caring husband just have patience. Allah has helped u again by showing u the true face of ur exhusband, if he has loved u the way u loved him he will never ever go for second marriage. U should move on and have complete trust on Allah. As Allah is all knowing , he knows what is best for us

  11. Dear Cheerful,

    Walaikum Salaam warahmatullahe wabarakatahu,

    May Allah make things easy for you. This has happened many times that when a guy leaves his wife and especially due to circumstances and not for his own reasons. He is making mistakes which haunt him down the line... Since his decision was influenced by others, he does not fully realize what he is doing. After being tied up with someone new and later the reality kicks in and he will want to rethink his decisions and regret...

    I am sure you will find your way, Allah is most merciful and wise, and this is an awakening stage for you. This is a test, many people go through at this age. The thing you must be vigilant about is how you react, either you are patient or you are ungrateful. Try to keep yourself occupied in productive habits, reading good biographies, join some alima classes, etc. If your mind cannot come out of it, then go out and do some exercise, try some meditation zikr, techniques, pick up a good book.
    Remember this is a spiritual awakening for you, you are basically a diamond in a coal mine. All the darkness accumulated around you is being removed and the purest gem you truly are is being formed.
    Once you are all cleared up inshAllah you will get the best. Maybe he will come back in a better form and appreciate you much more or something else better will be in your destiny.
    Key for you is to not dwell on either the past nor the future. But focus on the present in making yourself the best. Only time to go in the past is to find out the mistakes you have made and note them, make sure those are addressed and not repeated in the future.
    A woman is a very powerful being. This is a perfect time to develop those skills...
    May Allah make all the issues disappear and bring all the happiness of both the worlds...Ameen.

  12. Asalam-o-Alaikum to all,

    Thank you so very much for your valuable advices. I really needed it at this point of time. I have learnt certain things from my past relation.. I will try not to repeat those mistakes or watever you can say in future... I keep myself busy doing a job keep patience but once in a while get frustrated and feel cheated that a person whom i have given emotionally and physically has left me....I think its a normal feeling and whoever among you going thru the same condition as mine feel so..... bcoz time is passing by....things not happening when will the help of Allah cum? I am praying everyday .Is Allah so angry with me? All these questions arise in my mind....but inshaAllah i will recover soon and lead a normal life....prey for me and i will prey for you all.... I sometime loose faith on myself but i have faith in Allah... and inshaAllah everything will be fine..

    • What happened to your husband now? Karma taught him a lesson? Tell us. How are you? How's your life now? Did you get over him?

  13. Asalam-o-Alaikum to Editors,

    I am not able to sign in or open my account with the password i used to open with... I dont know whether its hacked or not....Please if u all can help me to find the password and username ... so that i can post my questions to you...

    Allah Hafiz

  14. I read your posts and was deeply saddened by it. My heart goes out to you. May Allah ease your pain and reward you with peace and happiness.

  15. “And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out, and He provides them from (sources) he never could imagined.” (At Talaq, 2-3)

  16. You should move on, god has someone or something Better for you that's why he's keep bringing excuses to keep you away from him. Have patience, do your salat and make yourself become closer to god TRUST me. Speaking from my personal experience. I was In the same situation but somehow god took him out of my heart and thoughts thr now I'm the happiest women on earth. Plan a bigger and brighter future and goal for yourself, challenge yourself that you'll be a better person and god have that one person for you who will respect you, your parents. DO NOT LET ANYONE WALK ALL OVER YOU AND DISRESPECT YOU OR YOUR PARENTS. Your father and mother has raised you god knows with soo many hardships, know your value, have respect for yourself and do not be saddened or depressed because this a blessing from god. God never takes away things like this from us. It's for our own goods he takes it away because he has better things for us in this life. You two are not meant to be, I hope you don't have children with him. Focus on other things, I was in the same situation now when I look back I sometimes wish I walked out on him a long time ago instead of wasting my time, energy, love, patience, respect, etc. trust me whatever your feeling right now is temporary, you'll feel fine kneel down to god. Share your problems with only him and ask him to open a foot with noor for you. My personal experience my ex husband put me through hell I thought it was love because I was young and he was good manipulator but right after our Islamic nikkah was over it was like a miracle I didn't care about him anymore, I didn't think about him, cry nothing. I've became more healthier and happier then there were so many guys who wanted to marry me right away but I set a clear challenging goal for myself instead of thinking about moving on to the next guy I picked education and my mother over very thing else. Now I'm finishing my masters degree, living and spending time with my mother who went through all my pains with me together. Kiss your mother and fathers hand, do not care about what people from your culture has to say about you because they're not living with you and feeling your pain behind closed doors, they don't see your heart and purity. Stay on the right path and focus on yourself, health and your parents.

  17. Firstly, it's very heart breaking...I google to see if my ex-wife would also miss me. We were married for one year, when I got angry and said the three words. I know due to different opinions...the Talaq is final or not. It has been over 8 years now, she is married, happily with three kids or so... I never seen her, or spoken to her. but I did get an email about five years ago from her...since I never heard anything back.

    I for one, can't even forget about her for one min, when watching tv, alone, on internet, even when praying or reading Quran.

    I've stopped all the religious stuff, because why should I follow a religion, which could make us apart by saying simply three words...I mean divorce require more work, it shouldn't be as easy as 123. I think we following the wrong Islam, From my research a divorce is done in three stages...but these Imam, they just follow none-sense.

    • Waqar, Islam did not take the two of you apart, YOU did. Your inability to control your temper did. The Islamic rules about divorce are quite deliberate, in order to prevent husbands from using words of divorce as a weapon, to emotionally abuse the wife. I suggest that you take responsibility for your own actions and shortcomings. Work on your character. See a counselor. When you are ready, get married again and this time I'm sure it will be better, Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

      • I don't agree...I don't think you get my point...Islam never said that once you say the three words, it's done. The Talaq require more work. Talaq is done in three stages. It's not a one time deal. Islam has changed so much. It was the time of Umar, in which he made it a law that the saying Talaq three times at once is done deal. It further contradict Hadit, as well the process mentioned in Quran. Everyone in Islam think they are right, yet we have forgotten about the truth way of Islam. I'm not sure I need to see a doctor, I blame everything on the teaching of Islam.

        This is why I stopped following this idiots...Imams, that is why we have so many terrorist in the world. We follow norms, not the true religion.

        I was at a Masjid, and this guy wanted to take a picture of the Imam, and another Muslim brother came from behind and break his camera.

        Now, even some Sunni say Shia is not Muslims. I don't even know where is Sunni or Shia in Islam?

        I think people should stop giving their own opinion but strictly give the opinion based from Quran and Sunnah.

        I never abused my wife, even emotionally. But I'm so ashamed of myself being part of this religion.

        I only follow the true Islam, that is based on Hadith and Quran...

        I don't know who is Umar, or Ali? seriously...and some people come up with Fatwa, and they take is as the words of God....seriously?

        I don't take any responsibility for my actions...I blame the Islam for it, I blame the Imam, Mullahs and the Muslim people for it.

        Muslims are the most evil people on earth. Those so called Mullah are the worst of all.......

        • "I don't take any responsibility for my actions..."

          Who can argue with that kind of attitude?

          If you follow the Quran and Sunnah, you should know that you are responsible for your actions and for educating yourself as well.

          The day that you accept your mistakes are ready to face another day as a responsible and happy adult, you will find peace.

  18. It happened to me, I got married, his mother had issue she drove me mad, I left he sent me talaq by paper, and then after three months wanted to patch up. I gave second chance. Second nikkah. Three years after that he divorced again, which was because I asked for it he would not change ie he was in control of his family to the extent that he took no personal decisions for us, my advise is, pls dont waste time or your emotions over a man who could have done it once he will do it again!

  19. Reading this im so sad, it's so clear to see you deserve better. it seems he cried in a moment of weakness but the main thing he wasn't willing to change and for you the key is in how he treated your parents and his parents are treating yours - like dirt. I hope you were able to move onto better and bigger things. it makes me sad because im recently divorced. i was so practicing before the proposal came along i didnt look at his lack of money, just looked that the family was praying, didnt think anything of moving into a big house , living with in-laws i didnt mind any of that. then the way they treated me so culturally. I was expected to do what my MIL said when she said it, even if i had a good reason I would politely with respect say 'im just doing x y z that's why i can't help you with this one thing' (even when the rest of the time if i didnt have any good reason i would always help her sometimes i would help her without her even asking me) she would answer me back 'well you can do this first then go/do what youre doing' - as if I had no choice. that's not islam, for her own daughters she would have a hundred excuses - they could sit around if they were /tired/ill/depressed/sad/ or pretending to take care of her kid, but for me i couldnt ever have a reason to say no. It hurt me a lot how ive been wronged, he ditched me and they never even tried once to reconcile or even hear our side of the story. my mum cried a lot. he would always take his familys plan over mine, if i planed something with him days ago he would override it without telling me or including me in any decisions 'because his mum/sister' wanted to invite themselves along to our trips. once i didnt see him for two days and his sister starting invite herself to come out with us and i flat out said 'no i havent seen him its our private time'. once she even walked in on us in a private act, because when she called him he couldnt even use his mouth to say 'wait a minute' or 'not yet' he would always say 'yes what is it'. with me he would struggle to take me to work and i would walk home in the evenings but his mum would tlel him exactly what time his sisters would finish and he even waited an hour once for her to finish in the evning to pick her up and take her home and she worked across the street for me, but i would walk home in the evening on my own without anyone coming to get me, they wouldnt even ask what time i finish. He promised in the beginning before we married that when i wanted to, he would take me to my mums (i was willing to move cities for him) but as the years went past he started making comments like 'u can see them once in a while' or even flat out 'ur going to see them less' and i said if u think im going to see yours everyday and mine once in a month/a 'while' then you are crazy. baring in mind my mum is a single mum struggling financially without any elder sons while his mum had 5 other kids, another elder son and ahusband supporting her as well my ex husband. She still wanted my energies to all be on her. I was wronged a lot and i cry alone at times, or keep rewinding how they treated me and how cultural they were. I knew my rights in islam and thats what i shouted at them once. Allah i hope he heals our hearts, what these people do is wrong.

  20. I am not agree with all of you ladies here because how come on earth you are saying to the sister to forget that man if he have 2nd wife? how many wife's does Islam allow. So whats wrong if he want both wife's? you are all just watching how people live in west 1 wife if new come old gone?.

    • Mr Ali whether you agree or not is irrelevant. Your silly answer to what is a tragedy to cheerful is the same reason why you are pathetic. Did you even take a chance to ask her why she didn't want to be wife no 2? No you didn't yet came out with the famous line - Islam allows 4 wives. Did you even consider WHY Islam allows 4 wives? And WHY it is null and void if you do not treat each wife exactly the same in fairness and equality? This includes gifts and your lust too. You see in order to acheive this perfection, one must be perfect and our Prophet pbuh was the perfect example to us all. So as you fail to comprehend the full meaning of WHY, let me tell you. Unless you have the perfection to marry 4 and treat and value each exact the same, keep your ill educated thoughts to yourself. It is why dumb men like you make a mockery out of not knowing WHY.

  21. Salaam. I think the brother is rather insensitive. The sister was with her husband first, then he left her, and now he wants to make her his second wife. Our men want to scream sunnah when it suits them, but they are so abusive. THEY do not treat their wives like the Prophet(pbuh) did. I have been married for 30 years and now my husband, that is over 50, had a mid life crisis and has proposed marraige to his girlfriend. I told him to go and Now the worst sin is mine for asking him to leave but all his frequent smsing and watsapp and chats with women is all just being friendly. He insult me and even no, when I mention his girlfruiends name, he shuts me up. His girlfriend says she does not feel guilty abt breaking uo our marraige becuase there was no marraige. When I asked her who told her, she replied my husband. How can a man discuss our bedroom activities with a strange women. He says I waisted his time and that I USED him. He is fighting for money, my money. He screams and says he does not trust me but he does not want to give me a divorce, That is why I accuse him of being after my money after I die. He denies it. My chirdren are so devastated and loves him a lot. He told me such ugly things and I am such a fool to cry for him. It hurts a lot, my self confidence is down but he says I broke him because I asked him to leave. My heartbreak and abuse is played down and he blames ME for everything. I tried to be a good wife. He says I will pay in fron of Allah. Surely Allah is fair. I m so scared that I say astigfaar in case I am wrong. He says he will never forgive me and if a husband is angry with his wife, I will burn. My guilt and heartbreak is killing me. Was Salaam

    • Asak
      I've come across this post by accident however once I read cheerfuls dilemma I couldn't stop reading. I agree with many of the sound advice you have been given (omitting the few trolls that have put their vermin on this trail)
      Those whom are dearest to Allah often get tested in many ways and for you and I , marriage was the test. You see I too have been divorced and totally understand the pain you ladies have gone through and going through. It took 3 years for my body mind and soul to reach out again for marriage. You need to allow yourself grieving time otherwise you'll end up choosing marriage with an awful partner just to win a marriage label. You see married always sounds better than divorcee. I learnt that a very hard way - the community taught me that and to the community I put two fingers up and with the grace of Allah swt got myself a super job and with it a professional God fearing husband. It will happen for all of you , you just need to get away from the dark cloud that surrounds you now. Did I mention I was pregnant when I divorced my husband? Now he is a handsome God fearing 15 year old Son whose biological dad wanted nothing to do with but Allah ensured he had a dad and my new husband took on that responsibility too. My son was only 2 then. You see the reason I'm telling you this is you need to keep your self respect, dust yourself down, pick yourself up and grab life with your two hands and squeeze the best out of it. Then watch all the gossipers will envy you, you will be known as you , not the divorcee. I smile everyday yet behind close doors only I know of the love that I lost and the lioness that took over me to survive this world and its people. Be confident and put your game face on the world you are here.....x


        • Very kind of you Sundus! If my note inspires and helps even one person in need I will be grateful for the opportunity by Allah swt. Peace and love always....Noreen.

      • Mashallah stay blessed .Sister your post give me atlest some hope to stop my tears . I am scared alot for my future , I am 26 and it's been more than 2.5 years of our marriage and we hardly stayed 10 months like normal couples when we were abroad but again every thing just shattered alot of interference in our lives by in-laws they control our marriage .And now they have kicked me out saying that he will marry another and if I want I can ask for separation but I am scared for my future .
        My education , my family background etc. I kept every thing aside and serve him and his greedy abusive family like a maid yet cried at many nights just to hug him and to hear him .but still not able to understand why I failed to win hearts there my husband doesn't respect me ,my parents not even my physical needs .

        I don't have any guts to take khulla and say yes to any other person. Allhumdulilha I have got alot of support form my community , friends and all the relatives but I have lost my self confidence . I also fear that will I be able to win hearts of others or will I be able to get a person so loving that I will be able to forget those 10 months that were like a dream come true that I have spent with him .I am very lonely and want to hug him , I am scared if I won't be able to get over this feeling .
        I use to pray cry all day asking begging Allah for justice but now lossing all hopes feels like i was never being heard , i feel so left out .Although my parents went to Haj they aalso criedmade dua for us and also my aunty uncle are in Haj making dua foe me .Sister people are saying that after kulla i will be able to move on please suggest me what to do i am still not able to gain self confidence .

        • Salams Sum1@nj
          Firstly, I pray this message finds you well. I am sad to hear about your situation however you must understand you have done nothing wrong, it is they that are not worthy of your kindness or your love. People with no deen or respect for others have their hearts turn to stone. Allah is watching over you and please don't pray to Allah to bring him back, pray to him and ask him to do what's best for you. Allah is the only decider and he will give you the strength to recover if divorce is meant to be. Fear not and embrace what he has ordained and I promise you you will get your strength when you leave your will in his hands. Your husband was just a mummy's boy, he didn't love you at all if he did you wouldn't be alone. He used you and abused your love and position. He will pay for playing with your feelings when he gets married again to a bully who will be so nasty to him, that he will never forget the pain he and his family caused you. The only person to blame is your husband and not his family. Your nikah is with your husband, promises to look after you and love you is his responsibility. Unfortunately he has no respect for the beautiful nikah relationship and has no guts to stand upto wrongdoings. He is not worthy of you. Inshallah you will meet a husband who is worthy of you and when you do you will be very happy. Please get out of this toxic marriage and stop wasting your young years for a fool. You deserve better. May Allah give you the courage to accept what is your destiny and may you be a happy woman soon. Ameen. From sister Noreen

  22. i have given divorce to my ex wife on written due to misunderstanding but i did not said this word from my tong in the year of 2014 but now i want to rejoin her so what can i do for rejoining her?

    • Furqan, assuming it was only your first or second divorce, you can remarry her with a new nikah, mahr, etc.

      Wael Editor

      • Assalaamualaikum Brother Wael,

        If someone divorces his wife (3 talaaqs at one go) , gets it formalized through court, I mean divorce ceritificate. That talaaq is done by his father as he provided power of attorney and also wife is unaware about it, comes to know after few months. That husband was not in contact so he never knows if she was in pure condition or not as that is one of the conditions. Then Is that final divorce?

        Please if you can help me understand this.

        I know he has remarried , has a daughter and moved on and he don't want me but I just want to know Is my divorce revocable or irrevocable? Though I know I was divorced in very cruel way..but don't know this question disturbs me a lot.


        • I myself have been through an unwanted divorce I did everything I could to save my marriage my husband lied so much lying is he's second nature I don't he knows what truth is he has wronged me so much accused me of cheating seeing illusions of me with other men when I fear allah accused me of sleeping with any man he's family married me just to be their maid I'm in the uk it was culture and interfering in laws my mother in law made lies talked about me to get other off springs who then started fights with me one by one I'm not the person to cause hurt and harm as I gave a sister in law at my home and we are like best friends a daughter in law should always be put before daughters my ex husband divorced me for no reason I was pregnant he accused me of stealing and he's sibling said they got it confirmed from a pir which I know now was a lie as the ex husband had told me after I cried do much to allah about where this do called money went allah revealed it I lost my baby he even accused me saying it wasn't he's I've been through so much heart my praying is helping but I've been wronged by him and he's family and now he's saying I'm he's wife he gave talaaq thrice whilst high on drugs and drink he's like a split personality saying dirty then slandering me he's damaged all my belongings branded me every filthy swear under the sun but Allah knows I've not done nothing other than loved him cared for him yet he's the one hurting me saying he's been with other women and then has their nerve to say I plant seeds in he's head how no man will go near me knowing I have been with him he's arrogant thinks he's superior im still hurt but alhamdulilsh I'm trying to go forwards I'm done with the pain all of this without anyone actual proof he's done everything for no reason paranoia and he's family still making lies about me in shaa alkshbuts a long hard road but I have allah my goal is to go umrah ameen

          • Assalaamualaikum Sister,

            I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through and I pray that you get an opportunity for umrah soon and May Allah(swt) heal you and bless you.

            Remember me in prayers.

            Take care.

  23. I lived your story, your past... it happened to me too. We were so crazy in love,
    People would talk constantly of what a great couple we are, a match made in heaven, we always get compliments when seen together. He showered me with love, attention, and he was so caring and affectionate. I actually couldn't believe that a man like that is real... I never thought I would love someone that deeply. I read about him in books but never thought he existed. He is the epitome of love (or was) ... he would take me to Paris have dinner in the Eiffel tower and spend a fortune even though he really wasn't rich at all, he would take me scuba Diving in maldives for my birthday...he would make me a delicious dinner (he really was a great cook) and clean the house to surpise me, he would bring me breakfast in bed and roses, he would praise me to his family, he would never let me do anything that makes me tired, when sick he would stay all night awake by my side, he would have tears in his eyes crying about how thankful he is that Allah gave him such an amazing wife. he didn't just say he loved me but he proved it. But one day, everything changed.
    I honestly couldn't explain it , except I would say it is sorcery if I didn't know any better. My fairytale marriage became a nightmare and we got divorced.

    So From experience I say it is BEST for you two to go your separate ways no matter how much you love him. Yes, it is hard. Yes, you will miss him. Yes, you will compare your future husband to him. But trust in Allah, it happened for a reason. You are asking how to forget him, but as a matter of fact you can't, you won't. Your past
    Will always be a part of you but don't let it define you. Shape your own future, decide
    To be happy without him, move forward...
    Trust me I really don't wish my divorce on my worst enemy, but really changed me.

  24. You all are grown! Work it out like adults. Family will hold on to resentment because of ego, you and your husband should hold on to forgiveness and love.

  25. If you were married and you had a divorce... you can't marry him again unless you are married to someone else and later by your mutual reasons you ended up divorced again and now your first husband want to marry you again. Quran has us stated clearly

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