Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Don’t want to do haram, but don’t want to lose him

Confused girl

Decisions.

Assalammualaikum Wr.Wb.

Hello everyone, i want to share my story and asking for advice of course..

So my problem is about love. Ok i will tell you how it starts, i met with my lover in high school. The first time i met him i dont feel anything all i felt towards him is just neutral, because at that time i was having unrequited love with someone else.

That time even though he knew im in love with someone else, he was having a crush for me. I tried to push him away by treating him only just a friend but in the end i dated with him because i felt pity towards him but it just dont work out because i cant forced my feeling and i dont want to play him.

But the next year, things change a lot. Me and him start to grow closer again, we became a best friend and we always joke around, he is the first boy bestfriend i have, he always nice to everyone so you guys can imagine how he nice he is to his best friends. But then he still likes me somehow despite we had a rough start. And then, we became close we always chat. Day by day i start to develop feeling for him. I realize that i like him so i told him. He still likes me too so we end up dating again.

The reason im falling for him because he really genuinely nice person, he has a good heart. Everyone knows it too. The first time im with him, i feel truly happy and i was thinking “why im not accept him back then?” I didnt know he’s really amazing person.

So i was one of the smartest kid in school he was just a normal student. So i became his motivation to do better at school, and we never really had really sad moments its only about school and our dreams and hopes. We never really take anything serious because we want to achieve our dreams together. Day by day we falling in love much deeper. We became really attached together.

This is where the problem start.. somehow we end up did zinnah (but we dont actually did sex like intercourse). At first we enjoy it because we love each other so much and we didnt regret it. But then i got this anxious feelings i feel like we need to stop what we’re doing. So since that day we always try to stop zinnah between us and its our fifth time trying to stop it. We became really sad couple it feels like we are tired of doing mistakes but we just couldnt let each other go. We really in love with each other.

At this fifth time, he almost broke up with me like for real. And i end up crying so hard because i feel like i can do it we just need to hold on a little bit longer. So he decide to came back to me. And you know, he said that “this would be our last time to try because i dont want to do zinnah things anymore”. And he said that maybe this is how Allah warn us that we’re getting attached way too much and he also said we should love someone because Allah. Not the other way around.

And thats kinda makes me realize things. I finally feel something in my heart that i really want to change. He makes me realize this. But we still together tho. Now, i dont really do anything with him and we try to give space between us try to less everything. The difference than before is i want to understand love someone because of Allah. I want to fully understand to become someone better and not getting attached too much.

But here’s my final problems, because he said its our last time, im feeling anxious because deep inside my heart i just cant let go of him. Not because the zinnah things, because i want things work out between us. I want him to see that my love for him its not about zinnah. I love him because i want to be better and i want him to better too. But i just cant shake the feeling that “what if im still gonna lose him after everything or what if something bad happen to us can we make it after all this time?”

i know some of you gonna say we shouldnt getting attached to humankind because the biggest love we should feel is towards Allah SWT. But i just cant let go of him, i want to change i really willing to do it and he does want to change too. But is it possible to still have him by my side? Or we should be just friend?

I love him i truly do what i want is to spend the rest of my life with him and i want being the right couple in marriage not put our love and feelings first but to put Allah first and became a greater invidual. Im just afraid that if i let him go he wont be with me again in the future, and i know guys Allah will always gives us the greater things to us because Allah knows best for us right? But right now i just cant, i love him guys. And i regret what we did.

I just want us to be happy and grow to be a better person. Oh i just want to let you guys know we’re now in the college and we’re in the same college but we rarely meet because we have different time of study. Can you guys give me advice? And please dont be too harsh lmao im just an emotional wreck right now. I feel like i mess someone that i truly love.

Thank you for anyone who read this and not being judgeable or harsh lmao, i appreciate it!! Do you think its going to be better if we still together but not always together ? Because we decide to always meet once a week and in a crowded place also with someone else to accompany us ((my younger sister)) to not let anything bad happens. And its kinda worked because we are just so busy with college its our first semester actually.

Confused girl

Decisions.

And if you guys give me advice about something pls tell me what i need to do to make it happen? Thank you guys once again! Stay happy everyone! 🙂

-auliam

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4 Responses »

  1. As Salam o alai kum sister. The only way that is permissible is marriage. I respect ur feelings but sister u guys cannot be in any sort of relationship. and u said it right loving each other for the sake of Allah is appreciated but this is for husband and wife not for Haram relationships. Shaytan is trying to play with u both. Allah says don't even come near to Zina. There is no concept of friendship between boy and girl in Islam and this is disliked by Allah. So please either marry each other or cut off the relationship completely. If u will marry each other fearing Allah than U will be getting Allah's blessings with u both..

  2. “The reason im falling for him because he really genuinely nice person, he has a good heart. Everyone knows it too”.

    You say he is a good person. Sorry sister, he does NOT have a good Islamic characteristic. He knows your weakness that you are attached to him. So, he is using you for pleasure. If he is serious and you want to make it halal then get married.

  3. Walaikum Asalaam..

    Look here youngster, firstly whatever I say may seem harsh although not trying to. Think of it as tough love from a brother around the way.

    Boys an girls cannot be friends let alone date. This is exactly why we Muslims are not allowed to get close to the opposite gender before marriage. You see how one thing leads to another?

    Allah said, and don't come close to zina, verily it is a great sin, an a evil way 17.32

    You said something about not loving humankind but Allah. It's not possible to love Allah first despite dating, zina since its one of the major sins. You contradicting. You supposed to be smart, as you said.

    Hear this alot by girls. He's so nice, he's this an that. But within a short period of time he's willing to leave, change of heart and mind. Boys will say flowery words so they can touch an commit adultery if possible. Not saying all but most. And girls go berserk. Due to their naive nature sometimes you deserve what goes your way.

    Without making it lengthy as it already is. The hardest decision is the best decision. That is to let him go. Can you make that Decision?

    Focus on your studies and build a strong connection with Allah. That should be your first priority.

    Do you pray all your Salaah? If not why? Since you said you want to put Allah first. Also sincerely repent for this. This ain't no joke.

    Now youngster, i have a solution after you done the above. No hope is dead. Is it possible to get married? You can get the nikah done in the masjid. Then continue in your studies an see him since now he's your man. You don't even have to move in until after your education has finished.

    This is a huge step an test. For both of you. If he's what you say he is, won't hesitate. If he says no then you know hes and nature an most likely is not the person you really need in your life.

    My nephew got married when he was 19yrs old. Had it at home. A small walima. Nikah was done at home extremely cheap. If I recall both were studying at college. So if your parents are understanding then that is the best option.

    If its not meant to be then so be it. Plenty of real good guys out there.

    Hope things work out in'sha'allah
    Peace

  4. Dear Sister

    love is complex and what your feeling and demands are natural. Allah don’t stop us from such relationship he just want it to be done in a proper way (marrige).

    Know the catch is you ask Allah to help you by Dua and prayer. If you don’t commit the sin Allah has the utmost power that your friend can still continue with you and you marry one fine day InshaAllah or as you obey Allah so he will give a better alternative as you obey him If he leaves and will you the courage to withstand the difficult times

    You just need to develop the trust in Allah and all your life problems will be taken care of

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