Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to end on good terms with him and move on

True love comes from Allah (swt) alone; rest are shaytan's whispers to trick us.

We all make mistakes and ive made a huge one we intend for something else and instead we get something else. It all began when I went back home after 10 years. I lived with my family's home for a vacation, my uncles, auntys, cousins etc. were all there. I am the only Daughter out of 2-3 brother's who is from England, as you know some people from there such as boys tend to get excited. 1 of my cousin who is the same age as me started to always be on my back, smiling at me, trying to get close by taking pic's without me knowing etc.

I knew about it but it really annoyed me and I was quite close with his older brother, we were good friends. Slowly I started to get attracted into him and had a crush on him and he did aswell but we both didn't show or tell each other. After returning to reality and back to where I live, I slowly started to lose interest and realised of what I am doing is wrong and unable to work out because we both live very very far, so I started to lose interest and it irritated me alot because, I used to give hints to show i'm not interested, also during Ramadhan I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to be honest and told him we won't work but he's the type of person who is so stubborn and won't take no for an answer.

I stopped contacting him even though I knew he was really hurt and I did feel bad, but there was nothing I could do, because he wouldn't understand and accept what I told him, after a while I had to go back home again for a Wedding and I thought I could give it another go because, his family made me feel so awkward and inside I felt so bad, I had no choice left apart from talking to him to sort it out and he thought we'd get back together and I thought maybe I could give it another go but later on when I got back, slowly slowly I lost interest again, we only communicated through message's..his family was aware but mine wasn't.

I have always tried to be patient and always made dua to Allah for Allah to remove him out of my life and to leave me alone and to move on, but till this day he still talk's to me. Is there anything I could do? Dua is very strong and powerful, could someone please help me? I can't take it anymore or stand him anymore, just want this to end on good terms.


Tagged as: , , ,

20 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum sister,
    Indeed there is something you can do!You can just stop communicating with him.why you waiting for???i do not understand why you need a dua for when you already know what you doing is haraam and you want to stop talking to him then why dont you?? You said you do not live in the same country so where is your problem?if you really do not want to keep contact with him than simply stop communicating,thats all you have to do!change your phone number,delete him from your facebook account if you have one.....delete him from everywhere and before you do tell him clearly you are not interested and what you are doing is haraam. no one can force you to speak to him,you have a choice and you choose to do so.All you need to do is just stop talking to him! you say he still talks to you,well there are always two people involved and if you stop then he cant talk to you anymore can he?simply stop all comunication with him.

    • Asalamwalaikum muslimgirl. I understand this is haram but some guys are too obsessive and can't let go, i have tried to stop communicating and everything but even if i do..he's always asking me where i am if i don't reply, giving me such long essay's asking if i've forgotten about him etc. You may not have read properly but he is someone who is apart of my family and that is something hard to ignore. I have tried to stop communicating before but it didn't seem to work. Its easy to say thing's like this but hard to do. Anyway thanks for your response and what you think of it.

  2. Salaams,

    Sometimes if you stop communicating with someone they will take the hint right away and leave you alone, and sometimes others don't and continue to pester you. What you need to do is remain consistent, and in time he will eventually let you go. I agree with the sister above, you should make efforts to change all your email/phone number/online contact information to something new to make it harder for him to reach you. If he is contacting your landline at your parents house (if you live with them) or writing you at that address, then make sure everyone at home knows that you are not taking his calls and his letters can be thrown out immediately.

    I will say that you do have to understand that when you did give indications to him about a relationship, that did feed this behavior. It could feed it for a long time depending on how strong a hope you gave him. From what I can tell, you shouldn't have been so close with him even while you were staying in his country....and that's why adab between non-mahrams is vital. This is still a fixable mistake, though, you just have to have a lot of patience and discipline to see the results.

    -Amy Editor

    • the thing is amy this sisters in a lot of difficult situation if you look at it hes from her family aswell and she mentions how his family is aware of it and how they do not care of what they are doing maybe because they accept it in a way , if she ignores his contact and stuff can be really difficult as it would look bad on her family and cause disruption between two familes .

      everyone makes mistakes it can happen sister ash 786 but allah doesn put us in a situation unless where able to find the key to it in shaa allah youl find your key soon and your cousin and his family are able to understand where your coming from and leave you alone to this matter.

      I hope everything works out for you in shaa allah keep strong sister just try your best to keep showing less intrest in shaa allah sooner or later hel get the message and give up I know how back home people can be crazy in love and do anything for it but don't ever think so negative because sooner or later hel move on and give up just have patience the more you wait the better things can be achieved out of this.

      just keep praying and il also pray for you aswell sister in shaa allah x

      • Asalamwalaikum Sister. Thanks for trying to understand me Kay786..that's how the situation is for me, its difficult. If families weren't involved then I wouldn't have been suffering like this but oh well, I do hope this all ends. In shaa Allah Ameen thank you again Sister Kay786 x

        • don't worry in shaa allah both him and his family will understand in shaa allah and will leave you to peace just have great patience with great patience greater things happen allah knows what we all go through but sooner you wil find your key to unlock your situation with I wish you all thes best my dear in shaa allah allah will take away your problems and face them with something better ameen x

    • Walaikumasalam Amy. I understand about the communication and to avoid communicating and contacting him. This situation is very hard for me it feels like I am trapped in this and have no way out. Basically last year, Ramadhan I simply told him the truth that your starting to annoy me, I can't do this no more etc. He overeacted and didn't eat properly and his family already know about me and him and since it affected him they all knew what I said and that I ended communication with him. I strongly regret getting in contact again but I had no choice because, when I went back home for a relatives wedding, I would get looks from his family, whispers here and there and it really hurt to see what was going on around me. I don't even reply that much to his message's but if I do then i'm always getting essays and lecture's. If he wasn't a member from my family who are close aswell then it wouldn't be a difficult problem for me to get rid of or to even come on here to seek help from brother's and sister's. Although, I have tried and tried..just wanted to see what others would suggest for me to do. Anyway thank you.

  3. Sister Ash786x,

    You have said several times that you don't have a choice--but I disagree strongly and say that you do. The problem is that you don't like the reaction you are getting--which is an entirely different matter.

    Continue being in contact, and your problem will never be solved.

    Stop the contact and forget about the reactions of people. Do not be a slave to what people think or say. In a way, we all are--but we fight it. We are solely slaves of Allah swt and should continually fight to think what Allah thinks right now about us and what Allah wants--anything above this matter is simply putting your priorities in the wrong order. If you wrongfully put people's/relative's opinions above Allah's opinion, you are wrong--and you always have a choice.

    Our choices in this world are to be made to please Allah swt - whether they be easy or difficult. May Allah ease your difficulties inshaAllah, Ameen.

  4. Aswak Sister,

    I was just wondering that if you r not interested in him and he is making your life so tough then u should involve your parents and let them know what u r going through.Once your parents steps in then it should be easy for you as they could talk with his parents and resolve the matter rather u solving the issue at your level.

    I apologies if I am not correctly understanding your situation.

    Allah Hafiz.


  5. It will hurt him of course and you should have not played with his heart the second time but whatever is done is done and don't do it again. Please just sincerely repent and just do what you got to do. This means that you should just stop talking to him. Don't continue to talk to him just because you feel bad for him. No no no. This will make his feelings for you grow for him regardless of what you say. You can say the meanest things to him but he will still have an attachment towards you.

    Just forget the things your family has to say and do something for yourself and for him. He may even thank Allah one day because you stopped talking to him and he was forced to move on. InshAllah he will move on and when he does inshAllah he will find someone better for him and who won't lose feelings for him so easily (I am sorry if I offended you. i don't mean any offense. Please forgive me.) You may care about the things his family says and the looks they give to you but remember that ultimately he is a stranger to you even if he is your family. He is a non mahrem and you should not speak to him anyway by default.

    It should not be difficult for you to just shut your phone down or ignore his texts because you don't have any feelings for him anymore so continue doing it. If it does not work out that way then just get a new phone, email, etc. and only give it out to those who don't know him or who won't give him your information. Sometimes it is hard, even for myself, to understand and accept that the relationship or whatever that was once there is over and for some it takes longer than others. He just has to learn this the hard way as an experience because most of us go through these things some point in our lives.

    You should also take this as a learning experience not to talk to any guys who are not your mahrems because even if they are your cousins they are also able to get married to you. Take this as an opportunity to grow and become mature because you never know when the tables will turn and you will be the one who keeps texting a guy who has lost interest in you and he may be the one asking the same question you asked on this website. Before that happens, if it will ever happen (I pray it never happens), protect yourself, guard your heart and your mind and do not let anyone touch it no matter who they are because those two things belong to Allah alone.

    May Allah help you both through this difficult issue.

  6. Assalaamu'alaikum Sister

    Ma'Shaa'Allah Sister Saba is absolutely right !

    You'll never be able to obey Allah properly if you're reluctant to ignore
    people's openions, reactions and emotions.

    Always remember that your reckoning will be with Allah Alone
    , Lord of the worlds but not with your relatives .
    The fact is most of us are ignorant and so are your
    relatives . What can you expect then ?

    Insha'Allah The best you can do is , repent to Allah truly
    and cut off all possible means of communications
    with this guy, be patient !. Expect and ignore criticism from
    his family . Surely your reward is with Allah.

  7. I know everyone who commented here didn't wanted this sister ash786 to feel bad intentionally but reading some comments kind of felt its been said in a harsh way like where not here to make people feel bad of themselves when they do already no matter what people do in there life at the end of the day they all realise we don't have a right to pick out there mistakes or judge them only but we have a right to support them and guide them to the right path.

    all of us muslims should help and protect one an other not by picking mistakes out when they know already what they did is wrong so please next time you write something think twice before you say.

    sometimes when people are faced in difficult situations and someone from outside witness it they think its as easy to say and done by saying do this and that , when it aint we may have given her sympathy but we need to emphasise what she's going through at the same time for example place yourself in her shoes and see what she really is going through and what you say for yourself would you really do that yourself.

    everyone makes mistakes out there this sister had the heart to write this post because she realised her mistake she came here for help not to be told of for what she done no ones perfect where all here to help each out not for the worst but for the best when giving advice say it in a way that it doesn't feel harsh because at the end of the day we all have feelings out there we should respect one and other even though they may have created an issue themselves at the end of the day they do realise what's right and what's wrong.

    sister ash786 I do feel for you I know we make mistakes like this things can happen ,love is our enemy before marriage and we should be careful from it as it leads to many problems out there but there's always a solution to problems out there keep asking for allah for help as allah is the biggest forgiver of them all allah swt will never let you down allah is always looking out for us , but we just need to be patient and calm I know its not as eays said than done but distract yourself through prayers , duas ,durood shareefs etc and in shaa allah allah will make your path clearer and will guide you through this .

    The more we wait the greater things happen in shaa allah this boy will leave you alone .

    May allah help you guide through this difficult situation , your never alone remember that all brothers and sister are here to look out for you and Allah is always here for everyone aswell sister be strong on your faith , yourself,your deen imam and you will be brave enough to fight this situation away.

    • Asalamwalaikum Sister Kay786, Awwww mash'Allah sister that made me smile! Jazkh'Allah Khair. Although i didn't mean to do any of this intentionally i just thought i had no way out and decided to come on here. Thanks for understanding me, may Allah understand what i'm going through and solve this problem for me In Shaa Allah Ameen. May Allah always keep you happy and smiling In Shaa Allah Ameen!

    • I don't think anyone's tone here was harsh - in fact, when I read the posts, I can see a lot of concern for sister Ash. If there was any sternness in the tone--it was purely out of love and sincere concern for Ash so that she knows it is ok (more than ok in fact) to stop communication with no guilt - girls need to learn how to behave appropriately with a boy and being too soft with non-Mahrams only leads to further problems and complications and none of us enjoys watching Muslim girls go through that experience.

      • I know what you mean but we all make mistakes and we learn from it in a way theres never a day a women would go wivout talking to a non mahram even the married ones continue with this sort of behaviour.Wherever you will go ul see this happening all the time sister ash786 aint the only one she realised her mistake and was willing for us to help her but way people said it to her pointed it out as being easy done just stop contact like if its outside family would be easy straight away but the face him being from her family is hard as she wants things to be well with his and her family because some people create further issues when one makes a mistake like this.

        We all know its wrong but it happens , no one is perfect in life but we should all know that when Allah swt places us in a position there is always a key and one day sister ash786 in shaa allah will find the key soon as possible.= to save herself from this.

        she has learned enough what she did was wrong if she didn't she wouldn't even have the guts to admit to her mistakes but mashallah she had the courage to say she was in the fault herself where not here to make people look bad for mistakes because no body is perfect at the end of the day I know its sad seeing muslim girls do this and then end up in soloutions like this but we can all pray for them that in shaa allah Allah swt will guide them all through the right path and save them from non mahrams.

        I hope sister ash786 stays srong and I wish her all the best and that whatever she does allah swt guide her trhought it ameen.

        • Asalamwalaikum Kay786,

          Yes your right and i know nobody in this world is perfect and most of us do things which we would regret before it's too late which is good to ask for forgiveness from Allah but also to get advice from people on what to do. If only people would understand.

          Jazakh'Allah Khair

      • Asalamwalaikum,

        If your referring to me about "girls need to learn how to behave appropriately" - I haven't commited any zina or anything like that astukfiru'Allah. Yes i know it's not good to be communicating with non-Mahrams but if i was unaware and selfish enough to realise what i'm doing is wrong, i wouldn't be here in the first place. All i wanted was advice on what to do, not comments to put me down or make me feel low. Thanks anyway

        • Just as you did not intend to end up in this predicament, I also have no intention of hurting you either with my comments or to make you feel low.

          We are told to stay away from zina before we are even told not to do it - because as you approach it, the more difficult it becomes to avoid it.

          When I say how to behave appropriately, it isn't what you are thinking. I think that when girls interact with boys, we should do so appropriately and I am not accusing you of any haram act. By appropriate, I mean, it should be in a business like fashion and not getting personal. I know you are very concerned about this boy - and I dont think you should be, that is what I mean.

          You asked for advice, this is just advice, please do not read something else into it. If you don't like my advice, you may ignore it - but by no means am I judging you, I am no one to do that.

          Take care and be happy.

Leave a Response