Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His father wont accept me, what can we do?

Posted by • October 24, 2012 • Printer-friendly

There is no place for racism in Islam

Assalamualaikum,

My name is Sara and i am 21 years old. I am dating a 24 year old guy from the same city as me. We have been together now for 3 months and have known each other a bit longer then that and have fallen in love. We felt that we both suited each other well and decided we would like to get married. We both told our parents about one another and how we feel. My parents accepted this and agreed to a marraige if its what i was sure i wanted. I told them yes. However, all of his family have agreed to our marraige except his father. When he asked his father the reason for this, his father eplained to him that although i am a muslim i come from a mixed background (mother is english,father is indian) and i cannot speak thier language (gujurati) and so how would this marraige work as i wouldnt be able to communicate with his mother and some of the extended family.

His father has never met me or even know anything about me. He believes i will not be able to 'fit in' to the family due to this reason.His father also believes he is not ready for marraige just yet and when he thinks he is then he will be taking his son to india to get married there. This is something my boyfriend is adamant will not happen as he has never been to india and will never go. I also think his father feels that if we was to get married there would be a chance we could end up getting divorced. This is something me and my boyfriend both disagree on strongly as we both have discussed divorce and feel the same about it. That divorce is wrong and cannot and should not happen without a extremely good and valid reason.

We decided to stop seeing each other for a while and to sort ourselves out. He is going to prove to his family he is ready for a marraige by getting a proper job,which is all they want him to do and i am going to learn gujurati so that i will be able to conversate with his family. The problem that worries me is that i feel even after we do this his father still wont agree because his father has never met me and will think i am more of an english women then an indian muslim. I need help as i dont know what else we can do if his father says no and neither does he. We have talked about running away together but decided against this. Does anybody have any suggestions as to what would be the right thing or best thing we could do after this to try and get his father to accept if our plan doesnt work? Could speaking to an Imam help? Or would that cause more problems?

Someone please help as i really dont know what to do. All i know is that we both love each other and are willing to do what ever it takes to make his father realise that our relationship will work.

Ms Bebo.


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5 Responses »

  1. Ahmed
    October 24, 2012 • 8:25 pm

    A language is not something you could learn in a few months, neither is getting settled with a job. Hence both of you would have to come up with some thing else to persuade his father.

    It also doesnt look like they have a soft spot for religious girls, all they need is some one of their back grounds (you could perhaps try the imam approach to find out).

    I wish every one had such "earth shattering" problems as you do.

    Reply
  2. علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ‎
    October 24, 2012 • 10:58 pm

    Wa'alaykumsalam,

    Are you a muslim or not ?

    If yes, then you must first be aware of the fact that your relationship with your bf is forbidden in Islam. There is no such thing as "bf-gf", "dating","getting-to-know-eachother" etc all these fall under pre-marital relationship and it is forbidden. Therefore, for now stop communicating with him and repent before its late. Seek Allah's forgivness and pleasure.
    Pre-marital relationship is forbidden and your situation is a good example of why its forbidden, in which, you both are very much ' in love' and wants to marry, but since his father is unwilling for that to happen, there may come a situation where you may never be able to marry him resulting in pain, lost of love, death of heart, distress and so on. Which will take some good amount of time to heal which inreturn waste precious amount of time which can be used for worship and other thing.

    Secondly, ' running away ' is a really bad idea. No matter what the situation is, but running away is akin to breaking family ties. And also, if there comes a time where divorce is imminant, then you or he have no one to return to and life will just be more difficult.

    Thirdly, give his father some more time, if possible let your parents meet his. Or maybe let him get a job first and get settled, this could change his father's mind. You start learning the language later after a marriage with him, possibly if nothing happens, you would waste your time. And daily let him try to convince his dad that you are who he truly wants to marry.

    Even after all this, be always ready for a negative situation. Somtimes we cannot get what we want all the time. So, even if your plan to marry him is doomed, then dont loose hope, maybe he's just not the one for you and there is someone better instore. But lets hope all is well.

    Pray regularly, and perform salat al istikhara so that Allah himself can say if your decision is right or wrong. Do repent too.

    If No, then I dont know.

    Reply
  3. Najah
    October 25, 2012 • 2:12 am

    Sarah,

    My husband and my backgrounds are very different. He Saudi, me American. No one thought our marriage would last but we proved them wrong. We have been married 31 years and although it has been no picnic, our marriage goes through the up's and down's like everyone else's.

    I learned Arabic not because I was pressured to but because I wanted to. I figured if I was going to live there, I might as well make an effort to learn and speak the language. My mother in-law did not speak a lick of English however, we got on like mother and daughter. We watched tv and cooked together. I had a great respect for her.

    Like every parent, this man just wants the best for his son and he is just concerned. When my husband asked his mother about marrying me, she told him..."you are the one that will be living with her, not me." She had no formal education but she was a very wise woman. She did not involve herself in her children's marital affairs...ever.

    Give things time and God willing if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen. Be patient and put your faith in Allah.

    Salam

    Reply
  4. mea
    October 25, 2012 • 3:51 am

    you should pray istiqara before deciding

    Reply

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