My father refuses my marriage choice due to the brother’s nationality
Asalaam Walikum,
Firstly can I just say JazakAllaah Khair for taking your precise time to read my post. You don’t understand how grateful I am.
I am 23 years old, when I was in my first year of studies I met a practising Muslim brother. I felt at the time, that I should consider him for marriage, so I prayed Istikharah and did get positive signs about him.
Once he finished he’s studies he moved abroad. At that time He told his parents about us, they accepted us Alhumdulilah. I told my mother about us, but not my father as I worried about my father’s reaction. I knew very well my father would not accept this, as he is strongly tied to he’s cultural roots, and would worry a lot about how the community would perceive him. But I did eventually tell him.
I would still communicate with this man even though he was abroad, I know this was wrong, and I shouldn’t have been speaking to non-mahrams. I prayed that Allaah would forgive me.
After 2 years knowing this person. I decided to tell my father, I felt this was the right time for me to get married, I was 22 at that time. I was incredibly fearful of my father, I didn't know what to expect. I started off by telling him that I would like to get married to someone I have come across, he was ok to that point, until I mentioned he was from a different nationality to us. That’s when he lost it. He said he would never accept this person to be my husband as long as he is alive. He said this will bring shame onto him, his honor will go. My father explained to me that if I do want to marry him, he will disown me, and burn the house and run away, he said he will commit suicide.
He also said other things like, He will leave my mother and he will kill this person if he ever sees him. My father started to cry and scream. I stayed patient and calm throughout, he did not listen to anything I had to say, I wanted to explain to him Islam makes marriage easy etc. My father is well educated in the Deen, Mashaa’Allaah he does know a lot. He used to tell my many stories of the Prophet pbuh and how he lived. I just don’t understand why he is not understanding and accepting this. My father completely rejected the whole thing.
He told me I had to choose, if I want to marry him, he will stop me from my education, lock me up etc. A lot of blackmailing I felt he used. As said, I stayed calm throughout, I told him I will not continue with this further. But I prayed Istikharah again, and I continued to get good signs. So in my mind I felt that I will tell my father again after a year once I am financially stable.
Now I’m 23 years old, I still feel I really want to marry this person, every day has been an extreme struggle for me, I’ve been very patient, prayed to Allah and asked forgiveness. I feel like I’m getting old, every day to me is precise and I want to live it for the sake of Allaah swt.
I feel I’m ready to get married, I don’t want to commit any haram acts such as Zina. That’s one of the reasons why I want to get married. Also I would to start my own family with this practising brother. BUT I know my father will not accept this once again when I tell him, he will most likely use he’s blackmailing techniques. I really don't know what to do, as I really want to marry this man, I don't want to commit any sin, I want to go towards something halaal and righteous.
Please help me out, I'm scared and confused. JazakAllaah khair for reading my post.
P.S. If you need more information about my situation, please ask me.
- fatima
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Masrur,
Lol, where did you get this nonsense from? Referring to a man as 'brother' does not make him one's mahram. 'Brother/Sister is a very sweet and respectful way to refer to someone, including a potential partner' - it means 'brother/sister in Islam'. Of course I do not think it is appropriate to call someone brother or sister after marriage and I am sure no-one does this. Having said that, Ibrahim(as) was once put in a difficult situation where he had to refer to his wife Sarah as 'sister' after his marriage to her - in his heart he meant 'sister in Islam'.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Fatima, Walaykumsalaam,
I am sorry for the situation you are in. Unfortunately this is a common problem in our Muslim community, moreso in some cultures than others. I am assuming you are from the Indo subcontinent?
Of course this is difficult for you, I know you feel stuck - neither being able to move forward with the 'prospective brother' nor 'without him'. And all this for none other than cultural and racial ignorance. Our families preach deen yet they are staunch in holding on to their blinding culture. Our communities are holding on to the very things that Islam destroyed, so their preaching seems so superficial. Why do they ignore what Rasool(sws) reminded us of in his(sws) final sermon when he said: 'All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood.'
At the same time sister, it is hard for these parents to change because they have held this racial attitudes since childhood. But Allah can change anything. I am sure that Allah(swt) has been pleased by your patience, please try to maintain this. At the same time try to gain family support by speaking to an uncle or aunt or someone else who can stand with you. Being a 'sister', this is so important, as brothers can marry without a wali, sisters cannot. Also, speak to a qualified Imam, insha'Allah he will help you and also speak to your parents on your behalf.
So keep trying sister and keep making dua. Insha'Allah, something will give way soon. Insha'Allah you will find a family member who supports you and insha'Allah your father's heart will soften up in the right way.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yo dummy SisterZ!
It's so disgusting to call someone brother with whom you're going to have sex a few days later. Would you like to have sex with your own brother? If you see English dictionary, it means: A male having the same parents as another or one parent in common with another. I don't know which stupid part of world you are from. Check yourself before considering someone's comment "nonsense" You could be an editor, but SHUT UP, at some point.
~Masrur
SubhaanAllah Masrur,
Your immaturity is not even worth responding to, so I'll leave you to answer to Allah for your name calling and rudeness.
As for the definition you provided for the word 'Brother', I do not need to use the English dictionary to learn its meaning as it gives a very limited one. Where as the Quran already provides a more deeper meaning: "The Believers are but a single brotherhood..." [Noble Quran 49:10]
Normally I would not allows such comments as yours to be published, but I have left yours for a reason. Maybe, just maybe you will read your own comment back to yourself and realise how ridiculous you sound. May Allah give you hidaayah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Allaykum, My Sister
(and I call you sister with highest level of respect, except for the ultimate respect I reserve for Allah, swt),
Mashallah for your response.
I am saddened by Masur's response. He may be carrying a heavy burden and Shaytan is taking advantage of him. Inshallah, his burden will be lightened when he reads your response kind response and realizes his mistake.
I am so grateful for this site and the perspective you and others add. Alhumdulilla.
I am newly reverted, and and working to develop a reliable group of pious muslims I can go to for support. This site helps me when I have no other place to reach out to. Your answers glorify Him. Alhumdulilla.
May Allah grant you his best rewards.
Walaykumsalaam Brother,
Thank you so much for your kind words. But I must admit this as Allah sees whats in my heart, there was a tinge of 'fjskhfjh' in my response. Yes, I can be a little naughty. May Allah forgive me and give us all hidaayah through His Mercy.
May Allah make your path to Islam fruitful insha'Allah. We have received your post and it will be published in turn insha'Allah! :O)
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I just noticed this comment by Masrur. Masrur, you are banned now. Your behavior is extremely rude and inappropriate.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear brother, it is sad to say that you are the dummy. Before saying anything, you should really think about it!
A brother/sister can be used in many ways, we call our own cousins by the status of a brother or sister but we do not mean the 'brother/sister from the same womb'
In Islam, a brother/sister is referred to as a male muslim or a female muslim. The sister who has asked a question is right. She has not married this man, so therefore he is STILL a brother in Islam. She can't call him hubby can she now?
In this world, we are all brothers and sisters in islam and that status never changes... but of course you won't go calling your hubby brother as this 'brother' has now become your husband and therefore should be stated as that.
Yo SisterZ!
I don't know whatsoever your name is, but it's just inappropriate to call someone brother whom you wish to marry. Ask anyone in any American, European, and Australian society. I'm sure that English word "brother" was originated and is used used as first language in these regions only.
Yo Brother,
You fail to understand that we are speaking as Muslims, not as 'English, or Pakistanis, or Americans'. Islamically we are all brothers and sisters to each other - this holds a deeper meaning than just than 'blood brother and sister' that you are referring to. I used to think the same as yourself once upon a long time ago (with out the 'rudeness'), but Allah(swt) showed me that brotherhood and sisterhood in Islam is such a deep and beautiful thing. If someone calls me 'sister', I find this extremely respectful and sweet. I do not feel sickened as you do and neither do other people who are striving to practise.
Perhaps its just not something that you have been accustomed to. Do you mind telling me which country you live in, perhaps then I may begin to understand your way of thinking?
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi SisterZ,
I'd never call you SisterZ if you had a real name rather than an alias. I'd prefer to be called Masrur. I'm from Melbourne, Florida, United States. I'm a born Muslim. I know how to operate in Islamic ways. Do you mind telling me your name and nationality so that I can also understand your way of thinking? Be brave miss.
~Masrur
Masrur,
I've tried to communicate with you in a genuinely understanding manner, but you continue to behave like an imbecile, however I have no desire to waste my time on imbeciles. So if you wish to be banned from this website, please continue behaving as you already are. Alternately, you can choose to get a grip on your thought process and start behaving like a more intelligent member of our species.
Insha'Allah you will choose the latter of the two.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Masrur, for very understandable and sensible reasons, most women do not wish to be known by their real names online. If their true identities and locations were known, they would open themselves to the possibility of being stalked or harassed by strangers or psychos.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Masrur,
Please learn respect, before you can advise someone on serious matters. And to address the issue of calling one's fiance or one's husband a brother, then understand the perspective of SisterZ. Would you have behaved in the same manner if it were the Prophet of Allah Ibrahim Alaihis Salaam when he said to Namrud that she (His wife Saarah) was his sister? Would you have been rude with his as you are now? Please do not transgress. Stay on the middle path and do not go to the extremes. As long as calling one's spouse is concerned, then I do not think a wife would call her husband 'Brother, listen' or the husband saying 'sister, listen'
And I suppose this is what your perspective was, which, you have displayed in a wrong way.
-Muhammad Waseem
Dear brothers and sisters
I cannot help smiling upon reading the arguments on calling someone brother or sister. No, I don't want to revive the heated arguments, but just for ta'arruf sake, so that we Muslims know each other's cultures better. Didn't Allah say in the Glorious Quran that He created mankind from different races and tribes so that we get to know each other?
In a significant part of South East Asia, specifically amongst the Malay community, since time immemorial, "big brother" is what a wife calls her husband, and many husbands, in intimate conversations with the wife, would call her "little sister". Doesn't mean they regard each other as mahram because they aren't, of course, but just out of deep love and respect.
You guys nitpicking and splitting hairs about this girl calling her romantic partner 'brother' are just looking for something to argue about. >rolls eyes< We all know 'brother' is a term for a muslim man, my husband is a brother of Islam. Of course he's not my BROTHER... sheesh. I'm from the US and you cultures that have been so closed off from sex and sexuality can hardly mutter the word 'sex' without choking and coughing and pointing fingers. Just Reeeeelax. There was no perverse intentions there and I think aside from those that are like children in their thoughts, uncontrolled and immature, the rest of us realize that. O_o
On the sisters probelm for which we're all supposed to be here, yes it's really common issue. Subhan Allah I don't have those parents... my parents are white and also from the US and I think aside from african (black) men, most men would be judged by my parents on their education and potential as a good partner and so forth. I'm not saying it's ok that my parents descriminate, and it's not racism they just worry about me because in this country when a white woman marries a black man, if he's anything less than a nobel prize winning distinguished professor then the woman would automatically move down in social class. It's the hard truth, and telling a good lie is worse than telling the evil truth.
Sorry for your hardships sister, that your father uses blackmail and goes to these extremes... Seems you have two options... marry the man without the consent of your father (is that possible?) and pray that he comes around, or try to find someone else. Which of these I don't know, and surely repairing your relationship with your father will be difficult for sure if you chose to marry the man, so make sure that he's as invested as you are. Maybe have him approach your father for your hand in marriage... Not let you carry the whole weight of this situation getting your father to accept him. My husband is from the middle east and he had to come across state lines, which was a 4 hour drive one way, four times, and stayed for hours with the men being interrogated about his deen and who he was as a person to pass my family's 'test' before we married. A good man will independently work as an individual to win your hand in marriage if he really wants it, and it also shows how he will handle situations in the future should you need him to step up and take a leadership role and be a man to save your family's peaceful household and mental and emotional wellbeing. Best to you Sister, good luck. xoxoxo
Asalaam alakum,
Considering the father's reaction of "flaming drama queen' of which he should be ashamed of himself, I don't know if I would recommend the young man approaching that father at this point. Wait a second.....there was also a death threat, so I am sure I would not recommend this action. She could ask her grandfather or another male to be her wali, however, including an imam.
Her father has disqualified himself as wali due tho this observation: It's also important to note that when a wali uses excuses that are non-islamic and furthermore, go against the very tenets of Islam, than their judgement is unreasonable and they fail in their roles of potential wali, and outside of Islam. Islamic scholars have stated that un-Islamic demands are forbidden in this regard are not to be adhered to, so the young woman could now be obligated to find a wali that will follow Islamic principles and tenets.
However Sister Stacy, you make a good point in talking about the intentionsof the young man. With a proper wali, this can be ascertained and then this process can move forward to see if this young man will be a proper husband.
the above heading is bound to raise some eye-brows,mine did!
Masrur's behavior was undoubtedly rude.but both,the people criticizing musrur and musrur himself,need a bit of correctness.
-people criticizing musrur:
please note that although all muslims are brothers and sisters in faith,but care should be taken when referring to someone who could be a potential spouse.i dont think that someone who has been considered for marriage be called a 'brother'.
-musrur:
please understand that what the above sister meant was not calling her potential partner a 'bother' but a 'brother-in-faith'.there is a difference! we should all call other fellow muslims brother or sister for the sake of muslim brotherhood and unity.
Dear Fatima,
I am in nearly the same situation as you. The person I would like to marry is also from a different nationality to me. We are both practicing muslims are alhamdulillah we try really hard. He is from quite a strong practicing family which was one of my major reasons as to why I wanted to marry him.
I think what the best thing would be is to educate your father slowly and by bits. Perhaps do it in a way that he does not realise that you are trying to hint something at him. Mention hadiths that speak about racism, the one about where Muhammad SAW says that an arab is not better than a non arab, a white person is not better than a black person but only in their piety. So no matter what colour, race, language etc a person is judged on their personality.
Since your dad is quite knowledgeable in Islam... perhaps just talk to him about these things again without bringing up marriage etc
Alhamdulillah I did this with my mother, we spoke about so much and different prophets, what Allah says about people etc... in the end she slowly started to understand and her heart became more softer. In the end, we have to agree that Allah made all colours and people look differently, if we judge people and dislike them just for that, then we are also disliking Allah's creation and His art, and who would ever want to argue & anger with Allah!!!!?
I hope things work out for you... prayers are the way. Whenever a pious person, a prophet was in trouble or needed guidance, prayer was the only way. If Allah grants it, then its fine, if Allah has not given you what you want, consider it that it was not good for you. Allah always listens to a prayer, He feels shy to leave his creations hands empty whilst its open calling to Him.
Have patience!!
Dear Sister,
Assalam Walaikum.
I am in the exact same situation as yours. I am a practising muslim from the Indian subcontinent and I found a practising muslim Arab brother at University where I came to get my higher education. The brother have showed interest in me 3.5 years ago and at the time I refused since I wanted to concentrate on my studies. After he graduated last year, and left the city he asked me once again and this is when I informed him he should ask my parents. Meanwhile I told my parents this year about him, and both of them simply refused upon hearing he is an Arab.
Even after their refusal, the brother went to meet my parents in a foreign country where they work and reside to ask for my hand. Once again they insulted him and simply refused based on his background. I am 27 years old and on the verge of finishing my education and the brother in question has already finished his schooling and working alhamdulullah. The main reason I wanted to marry him as well since he has helped me strengthen my Iman.
His parents have accepted me with open arms, but my parents are adamant. Both our parents are of very similar backgrounds, in terms of education, wealth etc. Only difference is he is an Arab and I am an Indian.
I would ask all the scholars here, to guide me with what I should do in this situation. We have both performed Istikhara and at the time it had always showed us positive signs. Now that we are both willing to get married after I finish university in the next few months, my parents are completely against it. I have tried speaking with both my parents and even though they are knowledgeable about Islam, they are adamant. Please help me. Thank you all for reading.
chem_girl, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll try to advise you in turn, Insha'Allah. In the meantime perhaps you can derive some benefit from this post and other similar ones. Also keep in mind that we are not scholars. We only advise based on common sense, from an Islamic perspective.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum.
LOLz I'm in the same situation. I just give up. I have better things to do than focusing on this marriage thing. I feel so tired thinking and even praying for it. I chose not to get married at all. I don't care what my parents will do to me. In syaa Allah I will study really hard, get a good job, and live my own life till I die. Since no one cares about how I feel, I might as well just love myself and do something that benefits the Ummah, instead of focusing on marriage all day. I'm tired. Really tired.
Wait, don't post negative comments about me. If you want to advice me anything, advice my parents first. Thank you.
Is there any updates on this sisters situation? Sister fatimah, did everything go well? I am in the same position and wondering how this went.
Asalamualaikum,
I came across this post and this is something similar to my case. Although it's been a few years old but I would like to ask you Fatima and other Muslims in a similar situation, if you are willing to tell, what happened after?
JazakAllah
Omar