How do I forgive myself for cheating on my husband?
I'm married. Last year I kind of cheated on my husband. I never wanted to cheat on him, he's very nice - we were just having some issyes in our marriage. I was 19 years old.
Now, I am so ashamed. My husband doesn't know about it, he is OK with me and we have a daughter. We are very happy now, but I am afraid of Allah and I want his forgiveness. I am praying and I cry a lot whenever I ask for his forgiveness.
I didn't do anythng with the other guy - the other guy forcefull did some stuff (not sex) I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen. Now I feel guilty and I want Allah's forgiveness.
What should I do? How do I make it up to my husband? He doesn't know anything. I am not able to sleep at nights, I keep thinking about all of this and have been taking sleeping pills to sleep.
I want to be normal again. What should I do? I am very tense and miserable right now, please guide me.
~ Meenal Kareem
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Asalamoalaikum,
'I didn't do anythng with the other guy - the other guy forcefull did some stuff ', while you did commit a sin, it wasnt intentional and you were forced into something, i would suggest fasting for 30days and then repenting to Allah and asking for forgivness, you should then let the matter go and focus on keeping your husband happy and taking care of your daughter, whatever you do dont tell your husband, since this will damage your relationship and you would have already repented to Allah, you are at a young age and shaytan in constantly putting haraam ideas in our heads and leading us astray, in a moment of weakness you gave in, however you realise the mistake and so inshaAllah repent and enjoy a happy life inshaAllah.
Is fasting 30 days only If you were forced or what if you generally cheated?
you only fast for thirty days if you did something intentionally unlawful outside of marriage she said she was forced so its not her fault!
@miah, yes but..
the purpose of fasting is far beyond just repentence, when you fast shaytan has little effect on you, and you also have a free mind(one of the reason people pray much more during ramadan), my suggestion to the sister was to help her move on and have a harmonious marriage, while it is not necesaary to fast, it is beneficial since it will help clear the mind and move on, and something which is beneficial i would recommend carrying out, it would help with sleep trouble aswell and the stress would go away, in the current state when constantly in deep thought(hence trouble sleeping) the sister is at risk of going into depression, and so by fasting you are using something natural and spiritual to clear your mind of what has happened and move on, this way she can be happy with her husband without thinking back to what happened.
Allah knows best.
forget about it, you didnt have sex with the guy, so just make sure you never do it again and get on with your life...we all make silly mistakes and allah is more merciful than you or i could even imagine. you have probably been forgiven already as you have repented and paid for it dearly. Chill out, forgive yourself and get on with your life. you have not even commited adultery as you didnt go all the way. Keep calm and carry on. :)))
OH yes, and DO NOT tell anyone about your mistake and NEVER EVER tell your husband. allah has probably forgiven you already, so dont insult him by exposing what he has kept hidden from the people. 🙂
Salam
yeah Allah has forgiven her...nice advice. I just feel sorry for her husband Wendy. May Allah grant him a high place in Jennah.
Asalaam alaikum,
Being forced to do anything in this matter is grounds for assault and battery. If this man seeks to come near you again, please contact the police and have him arrested. Ensure that you do not find yourself alone with men who are not you mahrams. At times, the people we think will not hurt us, often do. The statistics are alarming as 84% of women who are raped knew their assailants, as 57% of those were on dates with these men.
I believe that this violation of your body and trust may be playing a key factor in your restlessness, as well. You may need to read a few articles to assess your mental state of insecurity and perhaps seek a woman's counselor, as sleeping pill dependence is sign of an agitated mental state.
How is your appetite? How is intimacy with your husband? Do you feel desperate and conflicted? These signs may signal a case of depression, as well. So please seeking medical advice when you can.
I will acquiesce to other posters to address your other questions and issues.
What happened tO you is cOnsidered sexual assault, as you said he forced himself on you. You have not sinned, you were assaulted and therefor you should feel no guilt for what happened. As a trained and certified sexual assault and domestic violence counselor I can assure you that while you were forced into these acts the feelings of guilt are normal for sexual assault victims. While theyre normal feelings they are not right, you shOuld not feel guilty because of what someone else did to you. I am sorry this happened to you and that you are going through this; just remember it was not your fault. While you may have sinned by spending time with this man alone (I say may have sinned because I do not know the relationship of this man to you) it does not mean you deserved to have sexual or any other umwanted acts forced upon you. What he did was wrong. I would suggest if you are having issues with this that you seek out a counselor. Find a women's services agency in your area and they typically offer free counseling to victims of sexual assault, all the information is confidential and you would not have to tell others you were going or why, it would be between you and your counselor. I recommend this for your own personal health so that you may be able to put this behind you and fully concentrate on your life as a mother and wife and return to a state of happiness. Also if regular counseling Is not something you would like to do there are many 1800 free and confidential hotlines you can call and tall to someone about this with and gather more information they are 24 hours and free. Just remember this is not your fault and I wish you the best of luck. God be with you.
dear sis,
no need to worry as the guy did something forcefully, so be sure that next time u will keep distance with other guys. it is haram to meet other guy in non islamic way. no need to make friendship or any contact with other guys. just focus on your family.
Assalam-Alaikum,
Sister, something wrong happened and you know it yourself. As other posters have also mentioned that it was forced on you, I hope and pray that May Allah protect you from any such harm in future and keep you safe. But as a fellow sinner, I just wanted to point out that 'shaytan' does not make us do wrong deeds in a sudden jump. It does not tell us to go out and do zina or drink. It tells us to do things gradually.
First Shaytan will try to convince us to go to a place where there is a possibility of sin, then will try to convince us to do something which will make us more comfortable around that sin, then he will constantly 'work' on us to take us closer to the sin until we commit it. I think given this act was forced on you, there is no sin on you and you should not feel guilty about it. But at the same time you should not forget that shaytan made you comfortable enough to be in the presence of a non-mahram and go closer to the sin.:
The Prophet (s.a.w) said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third."
Take this as a warning and never go in presence of a man alone, who is non mahram. Also, I think you should not tell your husband about it and keep asking for forgiveness from Allah(s.w.t) and use this as an opportunity to get closer to Allah.
regards,
Meenal, my dear sister, Asalaamualaykum,
When you say 'you cheated but did not do anything, but was forced by the man', what do you mean by this?
- Do you mean you became emotionally involved with another man and he became physical with you by force;
- Or do you mean you were just confiding in this other man, who then became physical with you by force?
You have not clarified the nature of the relationship or affair.
If it was the latter, I would not consider that as 'cheating'. Instead, that you made a big mistake by confiding in a non mahram, thereby put yourself in a very vulnerable position and that it was very wrong of you to have been close to a non mahram - simply it is wrong. If that was truly that case, then the main thing you need to learn from this is to be become more aware and to protect yourself. Do not make yourself vulnerable again by breaking Allah's Laws. Allah has placed strict limits on our interaction with non-mahrams to protect 'us'. When a non mahram man and woman are alone together, the third is shaytan. Make sincere tawbah and at the same time, say Alhumdulillah that Allah saved you from anything worse.
If it was the first, then I would consider that to be cheating. At the same time, the other guy was also wrong to force himself upon you - and that is a separate issue. What this man did by forcing himself is a great wrong against you, but I dont think it is sensible to pursue this as an 'offence' as your husband may not understand and it could spoil your relations with your husband. I urge you to do sabr with this matter and at the same time to do tawbah and shukr.
Apart from all this, I hear the anxiety and guilt in your words, but Alhumdulillah, your heart is awake again. Meenal, I want you to think about the following:
1. Remember Allah(swt) says in the Quran: "And those who, when they do something to be ashamed of, or who wrong themselves, remember Allah and ask forgiveness for their sins, and are never obstinate in persisting knowingly in (the wrong) they have done." [Al-Imran, V 135] He(swt) also says in Surah Zumar, Verse 53: “Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." Yes, you are feeling depressed, but insha'Allah the more you repent and have hope that Allah will accept your repentance, this will help lift your spirits again insha'Allah.
Please read the information in the following links, I believe it will give you some peace and comfort.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/its-not-over-til-the-trumpets-blown-tawbah-and-repentance/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/poem-turning-back-to-allah/
2. Next time you have an issue with your husband and feel that you just dont know what to do; make sure you talk to Allah. He(swt) knows how you are feeling, He(swt) can see what is going on. So talk to him and if you really want to talk to a person to seek advice or to simply de-stress, then choose a reliable, wise 'female' friend. Having been brought up in todays world, it has become the norm to have friends of the opposite sex, but this is where alot of the problems start - so train yourself to confide in 'female' friends' and avoid befriending males, and most importantly confide in Allah(swt).
3. Work on improving communication between yourself and your husband, 'talk' with/to him and 'listen' to him. I understand - newly wed couples initally experience teething problems while learning of each other's habits and adjusting to each other's ways of communicating but you are not alone in this - every newly wed is in it too.
4. The important question: 'How do you make it up to your husband?' Conceal what has happened and do your best to be a good wife. Don't allow the past to ruin your future. If you have any issues with your husband, work out a way to deal with them with him and don't brush them under the carpet because you feel guilty because of what happened. Its time to move on. You can be happy and you can live with dignity. You are a mother now maashaAllah, enjoy this time my dear sister.
5. Seek the balance bewteen fear and hope: love Allah for concealing everything, love him for giving you an awakened heart through all this, love him for giving you a child and for you giving you each new day. I want you to focus on your relationship with Allah and then with your husband and your child. Dive in to learning about your deen, pray your Salaah with sincerity and pray Tahajjud. I recently attended a course with Al-Kauthar where I learned the importance of Morning and Evening Dhikr. The Dhikr is beautiful and the words are so very moving, so please make them into a regular part of your daily routine to strengthen your relationship with Allah. Click on this link for the Supplications: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/dua-in-islam/morning-and-evening-dhikr-part-1/
One of the duas that I find touches me the most is this:
"O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness and Your protection in this world and the next. O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness and Your protection in my religion, in my worldly affairs, in my family and in my wealth. O Allah, conceal my secrets and preserve me from anguish. O Allah, guard me from what is in front of me and behind me, from my left, and from my right, and from above me. I seek refuge in Your Greatness from being struck down from beneath me."
These duas are authentic my dear Sister, and if we take time to recite them and ponder over the meanings, we will surely find ourselves feeling lighter and more focussed. Try what I have said and see if you feel any better.
May Allah accept your repentance and may He(swt) instil love, understanding and Mercy between you and your husband and protect your marriage and family from shaytan, aameen. Please write back here and let us know how you doing. Insha'Allah you will feel better gradually.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor