Husband keeps looking at porn and dirty pics of women
Assalamualaikum sisters and brothers,
I have just been married to my husband since this July and since then Allah has blessed us with a child. When my husband went to work, it may be my own fault for not trusting him, but I looked through his computer and found he has downloaded porn. It truly devastated me but I did not confront him; it was when I went out on my own. I am sure he has masturbated eventhough I was gone for less than an hour!
Every other time we spend together, he would be on his own looking at his phone. I know what he is doing but I just dissed it and keep praying to Allah he would realise what he's doing is hurting me. At this point I just want to keep praying quietly so that he'll change but when I looked at him while he was browsing through these pictures and I get to see the pics as well (he didn't notice I was staring at him) it hurts so so much more.
As a wife, I try to satisfy his needs; looks wise I know I am worthy to look at and he should be proud to have me as his wife, but this act just makes me feel how he is not appreciating me and not thankful that he has a wife who truly loves him. I am afraid this will cause a problem in our marriage. I can't stand to be near him, can't stand to look at him. I am also afraid this will cause him to have needs outside our marriage as shaytan will do anything and allowing himself with this fantasy will lead to that. nauzubillah!
I want to be honest with him. I am worried he will get angry as I know this is his personality. I am trying to be good wife, worthy of Allah and I never ever have gazed at another man. Why is he doing this to me?
Thanks,
Starcong.
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peace be with you.
sister, you should not have to put up with this phsycological torment.
ask your husband to fear Allaah nicely.
tell him that the prophet [s a w w] saw in his night dream in the famous long hadeeth, he saw people, who were in a firehole, and the fire was so savere that everytime it blazed from the bottom, they jumed up to the sky out of pain.and this kept on happening again and again.
the prophet[s.a.w w] asked his companion angel gibriil who those unfortunate terrorised people were, he said they are the fornicators.
tell him that the prophet[saww] ordered many people to be stoned to death in his time for commiting adultery.
the reason why i think your husband is doing this to you, is because maybe he sences a weakness in you, he feels that you are to gullible for him to walk all over you.he knows that you wont do nothing about what he does, and accurate enough on his behalf, you have not taken any action against his disgrace, ungratefullness to you.
your "love" for him should not make you selfless to the extent you allow him to treat you like a piece of dirt.
you are not his slavegirl, you are his wife.
As a muslim wife, you should not behave rough and tough towards your husband so he starts to get violent and abuse you, at the same time, you should not be so soft and weak that he feels he can use and abuse you.
you should be inbetween.
you should really think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who started to cheat on you after a few months after your wedding.
the first few months of the relationship is when the couple are having the sweetest/most fun times of their life.
and here you are dealing with such repugnent form of abuse, so early to deal with such rubbish.
*like i said, speak to him softly and ask him to fear Allaah, who gave him such a wife as you.and to pray as it keeps away evil and illicit behavior
*remind him of all the favors you have done for him, like give birth which only Allaah & women know how painfull it is and what other things you do to please him..
*make him feel guilty for what he does.
because when a young single man fornicates, it is his desperate desire which has overcome him and driven him.
but when a man has everything he needs at home, yet stills wants to fornicate, it is absolutely nothing but out of pure greed, & arrogance, perverse disobedience to Allaah..
if your husband doesnot stop this cheating, then sorry to hurt your feelings, but you need to leave him and find a man who will be gretefull to you, and you to him......who will treat you like yo deserve.
a relationship will never ever work if one party is trying her best to amend and sweeten/beautify the marriage, while the other party isnt bothering/trying.
both of them have to meet in the middle.
i truely feel for you sister.i hope you get the treatment you deserve from....whomever Allaah has decreed to be your husband in the long term.
Allaah ma'ak
Dear Starcong,
I am very sorry you are having to deal with such a distressing situation, especially so soon after marrying. I wanted to write because I respectfully disagree with some of the things Brother Abu Az-Zubayr wrote above and would like to offer you another way of approaching your situation.
First of all, one thing I absolutely agree with and I am sure that you will get this advice across the board: you must talk to your husband. But I want to offer you a possible glimpse "inside his head" based on current scientific and psychological thought, so that you might prepare yourself for the kind of conversation and mindset to strive for.
Obviously online pornography is practically endemic worldwide, and so psychologists and other specialists in human behavior have been putting a lot of effort into studying it. And what these studies are showing is that pornography shares many features with traditional addictions, such as to drugs and alcohol! In a way that sounds surprising; the logical person may think, "oh come ON, it's not the same!", but even though no external substance is involved, the effect on the BRAIN can be just the same as if the person were using a mind-altering drug!
Given that likelihood, I would invite you to consider the possibility that your husband hates what he is doing just as much as you do, and feels powerless to stop himself. I am not saying that is an excuse for what he's doing any more than an alcoholic has an excuse to drink, but I just want you to consider the possibility that even though this looks from the outside like a "fun" activity for him, it may very well be filling him with dread, shame, disconnect from you let alone from Allah, and a sense of having no control over his life.
So my suggestion to you for how to approach your husband would be somewhat different than the advice offered above. Rather than recriminations and guilt, I would invite you to approach him with empathy. Perhaps you could do a little on-line reading first (just Google "online pornography addiction" and choose articles that talk about the psychological research I mentioned) to prepare yourself not only emotionally, but to be armed with good, solid information on how to tackle it. Explain to him that you obviously know what he is doing, and that while it hurts you as a wife, you have tried to find out more about what might drive a man to have such compulsions and have learned that many men unfortunately are addicted to the activity despite their best intentions. Don't say necessarily that HE is - because we don't know that yet, right? - but it is a way to draw him out and make him feel unthreatened to tell you the truth. The next step of course is to turn the floor over to him; Inshallah your kind and empathetic opening will allow him to open up and admit if it is indeed showing all the signs of a traditional addiction.
If so, then he has so much better of a chance of overcoming it if he has you by his side as his helpmeet and friend in the process. Bookmark articles on the Web regarding pornography addiction recovery, and read them together, following the steps they recommend. Move the home computer to a place where he is visible to you when he uses it. Install filtering software that disallows adult sites. Help him clear off his phone. Make these actions your joint activity, as if you are partners together trying to conquer an external evil - because, well, you are! Strongly encourage your husband to attend a 12-step program if one is available, and I also think you could both benefit from counseling, separately as well as together.
And keep in mind, that like many addictions, he will have difficulties along the way. There will be times when he gets weak, and if you are his partner and his strength and his encouragement rather than his source of conflict and guilt, then when he is feeling tempted, he will Inshallah come to you for help to get through it, which lowers his chances of relapse. But yet relapse he might, just as many recovering alcoholics do on the way to recovery, so if he does, please do not give up all hope and lose patience with him. Just help him get back on track right away.
Now, if despite your kindest approach and empathetic mindset, he comes back at you in your initial conversation with denial ("I am not looking at porn!"), defensiveness ("All men do it so it's okay!") or cruelty ("Well you're my wife so I say you'll just have to put up with it!"), then you have a whole additional level of problems, but my advice is still pretty much the same. Try to stay as calm as possible and do not give up your empathy and rationality (for example, if he comes back at you with snappish remarks, you can tell him that look, the pornography IS causing him problems after all in that it's making him snappish!). But I do agree with Brother Abu above that you do not need to live with this situation indefinitely; if he shows NO remorse and NO desire to ever change his ways, then you have some soul-searching to do and some decisions to make.
Finally, I want to say one more thing which is another area of disagreement between me and Abu Az-Zubayr: I do not think that his behavior is in any way your doing or your fault - in fact, it has nothing to do with you at all. It is likely he had this habit before you met; it is certain that he'd be doing it now regardless of who he was married to. In fact, studies have shown that the pornography habit happens irrespective of someone's sexual/romantic situation. People of the predilection to view pornography will continue to do so through periods of being single and celibate, right through periods of being married and being sexually satisfied. It's not you.
Please hold fast to your faith and supplicate Allah to nurture the compassion in your heart. You have my respect and my very best wishes for your success in your marriage.
thank you i really needed this
Sister ,
I think u r over exaggerating the issue
Firstly , ur taking porn into some thing else
Like u said , it might take him outside to satisfy his need , Sry sister but I don't think u trust your husband like this
Secondly , porn can be taking as an addictions like smoking , drinking , chatting and gambling , but it not as worst as other thing like mentioned above .
Thirdly , plz try to talk him out that porn is haram in islam so that he can stop , tell him to pray 5 times Salah n read quran that will remove intention of porn though not instantly but it will
Lastly , u said u never looked at other men , that very good now what u mean by that and what does that have to do with pornography
Your assumption that ur husband will go out to satisfy his needs is over troubling u nothing more
Just take pornography as an addictions n nothing more than that
Assalaam Walekum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu Sister Starcong,
May Allah The most forgiving forgive me for having to say about wrong deeds of others.As Allah's Apostle Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam Had said to Aisha Radiallahutaalla Anhu, that He preferred not to talk about bad deeds committed by someone.May He The All knowing know that here sole purpose is to warn my fellow brothers and sisters.Aamin
Sister, Your sentence"Every other time we spend together, he would be on his own looking at his phone. I know what he is doing" has put me into worry.As I became concern about your privacy.I am praying to Almighty that my thinking should be wrong.Just want to advice you to make sure he is not in habit of recording your intimate moments.May Allah The all merciful have mercy on me for cropping up this thought.
Sister, I am happy and thanking Allah subhaanwataalla for giving you good virtues as a wife( Allah knows better).Do keep up the good work.Also I would pray that Allah Taalla may protect your Imaan as He has protected The likes of Bibi Aasiya and Bibi Maryam radiallahutaalla anhu.He The Almighty has mentioned in Quran that although the Husband ( Pharoah) of Bibi Aasiya was a disbeliever, it could not stop Her from believing in Me.So may be you .Also never compare yourself with your husband for not looking at other men.For I am afraid ( may Allah protect you) one day you might think of competing Him, which would be bad.Remember one thing, your preserving of yourself would be highly appreciated by The Almighty, and would be abundantly rewarded by Him.AS he says: I dont allow the good work of a good person to go waste.
For your husband he must realise by himself what is real and what is virtual world.There are good advices on this site about the ailments he has.Just educate yourself with that and as sister SAM I AM has mentioned treat him like a addict. Its pity that nowadays people dont treat this as a disease on the contrary they blame the patient for acting pervertly.I would pray that your husband realises his mistakes and ammends himself. We cannot override the fact that he must be already hating and trying to give up what he is into.So all depends on how well you will handle the thing.May Allah Paak guide you with this task in your heart.Aamin
Lastly, I would say sometimes its better to leave dead bodies in the graves, as the more we dig the more it stinks.And let the time do the healing.Regarding your insecurity about he looking outside for satisfaction, pray to Allah the keeper of all relations, to refrain Him from doing so.Do not forget :ALLAH IS AS MIGHTY AND HELPFUL IN OUR DISTRESS, AS MIGHTY WE THINK HE IS. Sometimes He is just like a doubles wrestling partner, standing outside the ring, waiting for his partner's hand to touch him, to come in and start thrashing the opponent.In our case that hand is our supplication to HIM, and opponent is the distress we are facing.
Allah Hafiz Wa Nasir
Porn addiction is very common irrespective of his/her , religion .
Well ppl have a crazy for seeing porn (or imagine ) , no ones can deny it
But once a person gets married , he gets all what he see/ imagine in an halaal way
Ill advocates for the bachelor male/ female , but y does a person after marriage see porn any one good at science , plz
is it right those who masturbate can't satisfy their wives sexually? they less strnght ?
Asalaam alaikum,
What has happened to your husband is a pleasure addiction in his brain that he associates with sight and sound. The more graphic and the more risk of getting caught, the more it fuels his desire to do so. Every time he "gets away" with it, it increases the desire to do more, until I fear, he will ask you to watch the porn with him and treat you in the way those men treat those women. Many women have suffered through this, so please know that you are not alone. Please know that this addiction is also a sexual addiction.
What your husband has suffered is "touch deprivation" and he has replaced it with sight overload. His lust for porn sounds like it has been going on for some time, so he has disassociated himself from touch that arouses his senses to the point where he seeks videos. In short, his sexual wiring has become lazy and has sought the easiest way to satisfy his lust by sight.
Ask yourself private questions about your lovemaking: is it gentle? Is he kind? Is there plenty of foreplay and slow seduction? Is he attentive of your pleasure and does he seek to satisfy you before himself? Does he ask you to do things against your will? Has you hurt you sexually? Do you feel an emotional absence through your lovemaking?
If any of those questions are answered in a way that hurts you, then there are some issues to address. If all of them were answered in the wrong way, then his condition needs immediate remedy. His sexual desires should only be filled through you, and I imagine that this part hurts you deeply.
Eventually, you may need to see a therapist, but there are some steps to take first. When you talk to him, it's important that you do not accuse him of anything, but share your fears with him. Try it like this:
"My darling husband, our marriage is in trouble. There are things that are hurting us and I need to speak with you, privately and sincerely. I love you. I need to know that you love me, too......."
Avoid words like "you" and "I." Instead concentrate on saying, "we" and "us." That is what a marriage is, two people together helping each other.
And then explain the situation calmly and gently. It's important that at this time, you sit down together, facing each other. Hold his hands, touch his face and kiss his hands, but let this come naturally. Establish his "touch" senses and connect with him emotionally, physically and candidly. Be gentle, above all else. I cannot stress that enough.
There are many things to discuss, but it is clear that these problems are only going to escalate and despite the advice given here, as a woman you are entitled to be told that this addiction is not "simple." And it's not a matter of trust, either. Islamically, he has a duty to love you per ayats of the Qur'an and no object, and that's what porn is, is ever to come between you two or should ever be put first ahead of your dignity as a woman, a spouse and a lover.
This is a lecture given in California is in several parts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_1yq8IT8KU&feature=related
Islamic source and a great site for talking about touch re-connection
http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/sources/islamic
This is an non-Islamic source, but it is helpful.
http://www.sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction.php
http://newlifehabits.com/2008/07/18/pornography-is-a-depressant/
Trueblood, I am sorry, but you have given some very rudimentary advice in which you need to educate yourself about addiction. A wife is a human being worthy of the greatest of dignity. She is half of a man's deen and elevates man on his journey and ascension to the hereafter. A wife is a partner in all respects and enjoys equal status before Allah, The Almighty, the Exalted. She is a creation that is due her fundamental rights of His creation and her husband does not have the right to neglect her, hurt her or belittle her,especially with an evil such an pornography.
Cheating with your eyes, ears, hands or with someone else, is still cheating, single or married. Single? Yes. You are selecting another idol god (porn) instead of Greatest God, Allah, (swt).