I am getting married and want to get over the depression
Asslam alekum wa rahmatullahi barkatohu.
Brother and sisters,
My family fixed my marriage to another girl who is daughter of my cousin brother. masha allah she is very good muslimaah and i am very happy Allah Grant me this. Those quality I want my future wife all the qualities is present in this girl.
May be Allah forgives my sins and many people love me and pray for me because of that I got this. Yes there is some people who emotionally pressurize me but at the same time i also find this relation is also a best one. I don’t want process done like that but its ok,
I also don’t want anybody hurts because of me, not my family and not girl family.
hence I am quite myself close my eyes spread my hands and wait and ready to accept what is Allah SWT give me and do Sabar which Allah SWT take from me and I am heartly thanks for everything which is Allah SWT give me.
Yes same time I am right now very lonely, depress, in my heart I have more pain I don’t have a word to explain but I am totally finished day by day,
sometime I thought may Allah take me out this world, in this world no one who listen me, there is some people is who listen but not do anything for me,
I have fear is I am give happiness and joy to my life partner or not, I really want to give everything to my life partner and not want to hurt her, wants to happy with every moment of my life, and also wants to come out my pain because next month is my nikaah and I don’t want to make my wife life miserable puzzle and don’t want to take happiness and joy of my future wife.
1. How I am going to back myself like previous one (naughty, happy, enjoy my life)
2. What I have to do to successful my nikaah.
3. How to be Happy my life partner? is right to discuss my past, where I don’t think I have done any mistake but yes depressed.
4. I want to come close to girl not any wrong intention but to come out my depression wants to happy myself and also wants to make her happy, wants myself ready for nikaah, is it right to talk with phone to comfortable with each other I know that if both of us talk on phone then shaitan is there.
I am try to make every effort to successful our marriage but not know what I have to do. I don’t want be a reason to break this relation, yes I want also this relation.
May Allah SWT give mercy on us and forgive our sin. and make our relation and nikaah Successfull which is success in this world and here after Aameen.
- misterx
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Salam Brother,
From reading your post, it seems that you may not be ready for marriage at this time. Were you depressed prior to your family finding a girl for you? May I ask how old you are brother? Knowing the answers to those questions might help me further in giving you my thoughts on your situation.
Salam
Walekum asslam wa rahmatullahi barkatohu
My age is 28.
Salam brother,
Having three sons of my own, I understand where you are coming from. You simply aren't ready to settle down at this time in your life. Getting married is a huge commitment and it sounds like you just aren't ready right now...nothing wrong with that. I really think your depression stems from being pushed into something that you just aren't ready for. Pull your mother aside and talk to her, be honest with her and how you are feeling. If she doesn't want to listen to you and continues to try to convince you that now is the time for you to marry, it is up to you to stand up for yourself in this situation. Let her know your true feelings on this marriage and how you do not feel that you are being fair to yourself or this girl. In the end, it is imperative that you stand up and be heard. Family pressure can end you up in a miserable situation and in the end it is you that will suffer, not them.
Salam
Walekum assalaam warahmatullahi barkatohu
thank sister Najah to know your view actually i am also some kind of this feeling. I know that may be right now I'm not ready and I'm try to be ready for my nikaah with hearts and feeling.
I say this to my family in clear word "i am not ready for nikaah right now i want some time." then my mom says(angry and cry) "u want to marry this girl or not? if you don't want to marry then do what you want and we never ask any question, do what you want in your life, marry the girl who you want we never interfere your life."
I am also say that "yes I like the girl but past one month I am waiting for another girl and because of you I try to forget previous relation next month is very short time at least i want 3 to 4 months or not fixed date."
Then my mom say ok fine you come to our village then we talk to girl family and try to set another nikaah date. when I am in village then my family and girl family fix the date December month because girl family want marry in December and if we post pond the date then it should be after next year jun month. and my mom not want delay.
Girl father also talk to me about date I say to him "I thought everything is going to fast if possible not be set on December." but they insist and spouse also not having any problem with December,
I thought maybe I am doing something wrong, everyone is ready for this and because of me my family and girl family relation not breaks both family likes each other and many people in our family also wants this relation, everyone think this relation is good in all angles like they think this kind of relation not been made better than this, in our family mostly people is mashaa Allah religious and well educated.
After that I though may be this is happen because its Allah wants and because of my fear and depression i am loss this relation and after that my family blame me for everything, if Allah SWT wants this relation to be made then why I am try to delay I am also do Istekhaara,
I also feel this girl is very good muslimaah religious and well educated. when we meet single time I am comfortable with her like beauty, voice, sense of humor, education, my mom likes this girl and family also, I don't know in future I got this kind relation or not and I don't want to stop any thing if its comes from Allah SWT.
Our parents and family don't think it's good before nikaah to talk to spouse, I want to share some things to girl but not want to be a reason to break this relation I don't know this girl is mature or not to understand this things she is almost 21 years and because of my word many issue happen.
she is send me a facebook friend request and after that cancel it and i am also send a single message with blessing of our marriage and also mention that this is not the proper way to communicate may Allah protect us shaitan. but after that i never got any response, I don't know what I have to do if I am try to contact her then maybe I am guide her in wrong direction with wrong way.
Right now date is fixed and both family is happy and enjoy, distribute sweets and talking to family everybody happy, going to shopping, hall is booked, Card is going to ready, means everything is look fine both family like each other I am fine with girl and maybe she is also not having any issue with me. in that moment I don't make any wrong decision because of me I don't want girl is having issue and her family, it's about her family respect.
Right now I am with my family and try to myself as good human and husband I know that because of me may be girl is having many issue, she is depressed when know this, but I am try to do everything to make this relation success and also try to this girl more happy with me, inshaallah Allah SWT help me and bless in our nikaah and help me to come out my problem.
Salam Brother,
Who is this other girl you speak of and why do you wait for her? Is she someone whom you would like to be your wife?
Salam
Walekum assalaam warahmatullahi barkatohu
sister Najah,
i am not tha strong person which handle all this issues because this are more complex then i know and i am try to sort out but nothing is happen. hence i am stop my self and try to be ready for accept anything which in written in my life.
May be below link is usful for you to know the issue.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/normal-man-confused-eid-ul-adha/
one more thing i am almost confuse and dont try to be more confuse me if possible try to look every issue and try to think many angles. i know that you want to help me and people who is relate to this issue.
jazakallah khair sister.
Brother,
Okay...I understand your situation. The reality is, your parents are rushing you from one girl to the next to marry. You are not ready. It doesn't matter that your mother cries and gets angry with you, that is no reason for you to throw caution to the wind and just marry this other girl so that others will be happy. YOU are not happy and that is all that matters here. Don't worry about what others think brother as they are not going to be in your shoes. Marry when YOU are ready and not before.
Salam
walekum-us-salam
Dear Brother,
i could well understand your problem as i've someone very close to me having same feelings and emotions.
Firstly ,i would like to congratulate you for you've insights of your problem, that means, the battle is already half won.
Depression as i understand with my little knowledge is no disease, it is just a mental state.A mental state that could definately be changed with your hard work.A media hype that it is a serious condition is merely a delusion.No amount of medicine could ever help you as these medicines just mask the symptoms without helping the person in the least.To begin this journey of self healing you have to tell yourself each passing day that you could become well again with Allah's help
(Allah's help is always near) and with a determined will of yours.Once you understand and start belieiving that depression could be fully cured ther's no stopping you from recovery.
I could from your letter understand that you have been emotionally pressurised in some matter.brother whenever thoughts of this sought comes to your mind, where your mind starts blaming others for anything wrong in your life, stop them then and there by reciting "aoozubillahi-minash-shytan-ir-rajeem" .I do not mean to say that you yourself are to be blamed but what i want to explain is whatever happens to any person in this world could not happen to him or her without Allah's knowledge.Since you are a true believer you will accept this fact that not even a leaf on the face of this earth could move from its place if Allah had not decreed it.Once you start appreciating this fact things would begin to change.Stop concentrating on who's is responsible for your problems,start concentrating on the solution to come back to your original self and that's only possible once you submit yourself completely before Allah.Start with five time salah,recitation of Quran atleast twice daily.Do tasbeeh of surah fatiha,all four kuls and ayatal kursi morning and evening.do astagfar daily.Thanks Allah for His infinite blessings and mercy He has bestowed upon you and your Family.try to follow sunnah of our prophet Muhammad(PBUH).A little every day ,and see the change after some days Inshallah brother you will be relieved of your burden(if ALLAH WILLS).i pray for your happy married life.May Allah bless you with mercy and happiness.
remeber the ummah in your prayer .
jazzakAllah
Salamualaikum,
Perhaps this is it, brother. All you want in your future wife being present in this girl.
I am very happy to read the following from you:
""hence I am quite myself close my eyes spread my hands and wait and ready to accept what is Allah SWT give me and do Sabar which Allah SWT take from me and I am heartly thanks for everything which is Allah SWT give me.""
Subhanallah, you see How Allah Helps when you accept His Choice? Your Istikharah probably showed you the correct way.
And who told you that you will not be able to give your partner her rights? In sha Allah, you will give her all her rights. Allah Has Helped you till now, then why Will He Leave you now?
He Will In sha Allah Help you in each and every step of life. You will receive it all unexpected in sha Allah.
Your feeling is just fear. Things will be easy, do not worry. Allah Is with you. Shaitaan always tries to show things complicated and difficult while the truth is the opposite. Just seek Allah's Refuge from Shaitaan, remember that Allah Loves those who obey Him and His Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
Go ahead, brother. May Allah Give Barakah in your married life and make you both give each other your rights. and Please Allah together. In sha Allah, once you get married, if you need advise on moving forward, you could write to us.
I know your Nikah is next month. I would say this to you in advance:
"Barak Allahu Laka, wa Baraka 'Alaika wa Jama'a Bainakuma fi Khair"
‘May Allaah bless for you (your spouse) and bless you, and may He unite both of you in goodness.’
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walekum asslam wa rahmatullahi barkatohu
thanks brother ZP / Waseem,
i have some question in my mind and i am try to solve but its very hard for me to do
1. How I am going back to myself like previous one (naughty, happy, enjoy my life)
(i am try to lough try to smile to make everybody happy, but when i thought because of us some one is crying you know that, girl mothers father whole family i thought they dont desrve this pain and i dont do anything for her family only pray to Allah SWT)
2. What I have to do to successful my nikaah.
3. How to be Happy my life partner? is right to discuss my past, where I don’t think I have done any mistake but yes depressed. is she understand me or not?
4. I want to come close to girl not any wrong intention but to come out my depression wants to happy myself and also wants to make her happy, wants myself ready for nikaah, is it right to talk with phone to comfortable with each other I know that if both of us talk on phone then shaitan is there.
Wlsm brother.
Do istikhara to see if doing the wesding now would be alright or not? If ur depressed then may be this isnt the best time for u to marry, but Allaah knows best, so do do istikhara brother on this.
Questions to ur answers...
1. Read the quran more, pray 5 times, do nafl, zikr, learn more about islam, get urself closer to Allaah. It is through remembering Allaah that one can find true peace. Try to set urself in an islamic environment, with islamic friends that will make it easy for u to u to get close to Allaah, in sha Allaah. If u find true peace u will eventually get out of depression and u will automatically be ur real self, happy, cheeerful and so on in sha Allaah
2. Be the bestest husband u can be for a successful marital life, be patient loving etc
3. Learn about what rights a wife has and what rights a husband have in islam, learn more about islam, together if u can with ur wife. Islamic rules is the bestest rules to live life by. Islam tells us how u can be a good husband and make her and urself happy. ... Sharing ur past with ur wife, im not sure whether u should disclose it or not, it depends, some things are best not to be told, like for example if u had a a haram relationship with another girl, dont tell ur wife. If its something else, then may be, it depends what the matter is. Some things are good to tell, it will help her to understand u, and ur reason behind depression, which might be good. Is the matter worth telling? Do istikhara brother.
4. Plz dont talk to her before nikah, this is haram, haram can never be good for a person. Dont let the shaytan take advantage of ur depression. U will regret later if u talk to her. Wait for her to be ur ur wife first brother
Hope u soon feel better and hope u have a happy married life
1) pray, make dua maintain your daily routine in Islamic way then inshallah Allah will help you.
2) Pray to Allah to bless you a happy married life, ask Allah's forgiveness and ask Allah's guidance when you marry, make sure you pay the right dowry to the bride. After you get married on that night pray 2raka nafaal salah with your wife and ask Allah to keep your married life blessed and happy, make lots of dua.
3) Marriage is an enormous responsibility but also a great joy. Allah (swt) said that the husband and wife should be like ‘garments’ to one another. The point of a garment is to give warmth, protection, decency, intimacy and comfort. Allah (swt) has created all life forms in pairs and when something is created as part of a pair it is clearly incomplete without the other. But in order for a husband and wife to find perfect peace and harmony with each other, they need to be prepared to fulfil each other’s rights. If you try to act upon all of the below then Inshallah your marriage will be good.
-Dress up for your partner and look clean and smell good. Make an effort in your appearance so that you are always desirable and attractive for each other. Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. You know a bit of bow cha ka wawa does no harm when you look at your partner! Remember that the Prophet would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.
-Use the best names for your partner. Call them by their most beloved names (such as baby and honey!) and avoid using names that hurt their feelings i.e. fatty, onion breath etc!
-If you see anything wrong with what your husband/wife does, as long as it doesn’t contradict the Shariah, try being silent and don’t complain! This is one of the things the Prophet used to do when he saw something inappropriate from his wives. It’s a skill that Muslims need to master! Instead try to appreciate and focus on all the good your partner does.
-Smile at your partner whenever you see them and embrace them often. Smiling is an act of Sadaqah (charity). Also, tell your partner that you love them regularly, don’t assume they already know! At least once a day say something kind or complimentary to your partner.
-Be her/him best friend, find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build a relationship.
-Don’t belittle his/her desires. Comfort them. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. The Prophet set the example for us when on numerous occasions he comforted his wives.
-Be humorous and play games or sports with your partner. The Prophet would race with his wife ‘Aisha (ra). When was the last time you did something like that? You should be having the time of your life. Do things together. Have fun for crying out loud! Go out for a meal. A weekend away. As long as it’s Halal then go for it!
-Be romantic! Think about all the small things your partner does for you and then show some appreciation in return. And don’t forget those anniversaries! Some guys are extremely generous when it comes to their friends or family but for some reason can’t even bring themselves to buy their wife a box of chocolates! Spoil your partner with affection and treat each other to a surprise every now and again to keep that fire burning!
-Trust and honesty is the key to a successful marriage. If something is harming or damaging your marriage then be open and honest with your partner. It won't just go away. Keeping secrets from one another or hiding stuff from your partner is one of the main reasons why a marriage can go wrong big time!
-If you have done something wrong then admit it! Apologise sincerely to your partner and then try to make it up to them by doing something you know will make them happy. Never both be angry at the same time and don’t go to bed upset with one another.
4) please do not involve with her before married.
May Allah bless you and guide you in right path.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
Regarding your question 3,
I just thought to share this, from facebook, it may benefit you greatly.
SubhanAllah what a beautiful words. I wish every brother would treat his wife that beautifully.
Asslam alekum wa rahmatullahi barkatohu,
Thanks a lot brother علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ this really helped me a lot, i am try be make my self as good muslim husband. inshaallah Allah SWT puts more barakaah and blessing in our mariage.
Assalam alekum warahmatullahi barkatohu
Brother and sister thanks for everybody for your help and guidance
Is there anyone who knows what i have to do I don’t have a word to explain my pain and because of that I have a fear of marry.
whenever i feel this pain which hurt me like a somebody choke my heart somebody throttle my heart every time i am pray to god and reside the Dua Auzibillahi minash shaiytan niraajim.
whenever i think about my past (previous relation which breaks) i am try to avoid to think, i am trying to avoid the dreams, i am trying to avoid what people done to me, i am try to think good thing which is happen to me good people to realize. try to be happy physical like smile try to making jokes, try to sing, try to think of my spouse, try to enjoy what is with me, try to see how beautiful is our world,
i don’t know what happens to me i don’t want be like this, what happen if my life partner see me in this condition, how upset she is, then she is go away of my life, and then every person in my family blame me for that.
i say that i don’t wanna be break this relation this girl is masha allah best one in this world, i don’t want to hurt her not even i wants to see a tears in her eyes.
maybe this is happen because when i am go back to my home from my office my family is watching TV and enjoy family programs i hate to see this kind of serials it realize me my past and after come to my room there is no one i feel no one with me. or may be shaiytaan is try to misguide me every time.
i am try to pray 5 time salaah on time its difficult but i am pray miss salaah. i am try to read Quran sharif not every day but try to do, try to work on know about islaam and our religion, try to make my self as good muslim.
every one is happy in my family every one enjoy i am try to make my self happy but i am not happy like previous one.
Brother,
The best advice I can offer you at this point in time is to follow your heart. Listen to your gut instinct, it is usually right.
Salam
Please follow your heart. Trust me it never lies. I nearly (Allah protected me!) learnt a painful lesson from not doing so recently so if you feel it's wrong in your heart then break it, even if it's difficult. Even if you don't want to. People will try to talk you out of it or say you are imagining things but only you truly know. I suggest you take a step back, do istikhaarah and see if your feelings change.
I am not telling you to break the engagement or marry her. I am telling you to listen to what your heart/gut instinct is telling you and follow that (after doing istikhaarah). May Allah (swt) protect you and help you
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sister may be you don't understand i say that the next relation is the best one which is i feel in my inside heart, the issue is i have fear of my past, which is happen to me i want to come out first, i know that some where my family is wrong but some time we have to support our family to stop many more mistakes and think on both the sides.
if i am break this new relation then girl and her family is having many dreams breaks this girl doesn't deserve all of this, this girl is such a innocent one, and because of my any wrong decision i don't want to make good thing going to bad.
there is something in my post i am never define one thing and in my family no one knows, i thought its just a coincidence, i met some of my cousin brother relative in many years ago approximately 3 to 5 years and some where i see one girl is doing something i like this girl when i am first time see her, i thought its not happen forget it she is rich beautiful cute and she is not happen in any case so i am try to avoid this girl and after some time forget her. the new relation which i have got this is the same girl i am found her 3 to 5 years ago and try to forget.
her mother father is very good the whole family is mashaallah superb and Allah SWT make mercy in this family.
i have fear she like me or not what she think about me if she know about my past then is she understand me or leave me, i am not doing any sin but a one i like a girl which my parents wants to marry and when they break engagement i don't hat girl and her family.
tonight i am talking to my mom she is so happy and i am asking for girl and her family feeling then my mom say to me she talk to girl mother and she say" i wants to talk to you son(me) and asking is your son is happy? (in positive way), i want to talk him but i don't have time to talk everything is going to fast"
there is many people or you say that every person in my family who is happy to this relation and i am also.
Wa Alaikum as Salam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu, brother,
This is something natural. You fear the unexpected. But you said that the girl is good and you believee she is pious.
Just imagine, if you have two diamond stones to choose from, at a jewellery store. Both are equally good and priced equally. Another customer picks one of it before you do. Will you feel bad for it? Brother, you still have the other piece.
Thank Allah and accept His Choice. Fear is something you should not carry with you, in order to keep your relationship healthy.
You do not need to tell her about your relatioj with the first girl. Or you could tell her a little later that you were about to marry a girl but it did not work out. And tell her that you are thankful to Allah that He Chose her (your wife) for you instead.
This way, you are happy, your wife is doubly happy and your mother is happy. In sha Allah, you will find Barakah in your relation, just trust in Allah and leave the thought of the first girl as "past" and concentrate on the "future". Life does not stop, it will move on, you will have to moce faster in order to stay happy.
I agree about the TV. It makes your mind divert without your intention. It will be better if you ask your family to have it turned off while you are entering the home. And avoid it for most of your time in order to avoid the diversion of mind. This will close another door to the Shaitaan.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu
i have some weird feeling in my heart not actually knows what is it, in 20 days i am getting married, and may be because of that i am going to think many +ve and -ve things, is that i am over reacting or i have to do something to resolve or make myself ready to marry, or i don’t have to do anything simply goes on life and don’t care about anything.
i have some feeling like i want to talk before nikaah to my future wife for satisfy my hearts and remove worries and make happy before nikaah.
is that something wrong which i want, i know that to talk to non mahram opposite sex is not permissible in Islam and opposite sex is only talk when they are maharam. and also two people is want to talk then its possible if there is any third person is present in between them when they are talking.
i know that this is not the time to think on girl is right or wrong, or i have to marry her not, no i don’t think this, yes i like this relation and i want, and any issue in this girl i am marry to her, if she is written with me then i don’t want be a reason to break this relation, i don’t know what she likes, she like me or not, she is feeling good to got this relation or it’s just like adjustment. or she is expect my future hubby contact me till that i have to wait.
in my family many married couple talk before nikaah to spouse and they are good Muslim also do namaz, roza, zakat, Qurbani, haj, some of my cousin brother wife also tell me to talk to your spouse some time to know how she is? or cal some festivals.
i don’t have her number or you say that i don’t try to find her contact number, she has a Facebook account, first she had send me a friend request and after that cancel it, and after some time she is send me a one more friend request and i accept it.
i know the because of Facebook many relation is breaks and we both not like to communicate through Facebook.
What I have to do?
Brother,
In 20 days you will be married. You have the rest of your life to think of here and you need to open up your mouth and speak up! Do I understand you correctly...you have not even met your wife to be?! Am I wrong in that respect? I know we are talking about cultural issues here but surely there can be no harm in meeting and talking with the woman who will be your wife? You can have family present when you do so, there is no harm in that. You need to stop letting everyone else run the show here and make yourself heard brother. Quit being led around by your nose and open up and voice your concerns! Your fears are natural and there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Ask what you need to now and stop being afraid of what everyone else thinks! It is imperative that you sit with her and talk with her. Chemistry is huge between a couple...what if you have none? What if you do not find her attractive? On the other hand, your chemistry might be perfect and you might be very attracted to her. How will you know if you are not given the opportunity to at least meet and sit with her?! Don't sit back and let these 20 days pass you by and then have regrets later. If you do nothing then, it is on you.
Salam
Walekum Asslam sister,
No, I met my future wife, and i am comfortable for her beauty and mentality, i am talk to the girl and feel she is honest and mature, i am not taking her side but when i met first time in presence of our family member i feel this.
there is many thing which i don't like and i say to my family but they don't look on that point and this thing is not big but i feel good if they think on this, but its ok
some time i feel she also like me because of that she send me Facebook friend request and we both not want to talk through facebook we also want to communicate with 3rd person or in presence of someone but not know how to do, both of us not live in same city and our friend circle is not common our family members is common but don't know how to start.
Brother,
Tell me...what are these things that you speak of which you do not like? Is there anything specific that seems to bother you?
Forget Facebook...maybe she thought it was a good way to talk to you and get to know you but she had second thoughts and that is why she cancelled her friend request.
Salam
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu
Things not want to marry,
I don’t want to marry with my relatives.
Age difference near about 7 years,
Short height,
Not regularly wearing hijab reason they say not allowed in collage,
She is live or study mostly with non Muslim friends,
She is not like our city,
Not doing cooking but ready to do,
She is talking fast.
i am looking approximately four girl and girl family all of them is fine and every time i am ready to marry but relation breaks, and this relation i am feel simple and good.
Reason to marry...
Good Family Background
Educated and religious Family Background
Girl is educated
I don’t have any good proposal right now.
Rich Family
My mom and girl like each other
when we are met first time(single time) we don’t talk, because of there is relatives and when all of them busy doing something and try to give us privacy to talk and think about this relation is good for us or not.
Then we are starting to talk related to education and study and what you think about marriage, what your expectation of your husband. We both not continues look at each other but when talking then look into eyes. And i am comfortable with girl when we first met.
i don’t have any another way to communicate only facebook, and both of us know it’s not good for us to talk before nikaah without anyone presence and we also not want to talk through facebook. i don’t know what to do. is i have to wait till nikaah or i have to try to talk some kind of halaal or permissible way.
Brother,
I'm going to be straight with you. I have three sons aged 19, 21 and 24. Never in a million years would I be shoving a potential bride down their throat. I want them to each marry when they feel it is time and to whom they find suits them. It isn't about me or what I like...it is about what each of them wants.
My daughter who is 23 has had three proposals for marriage. Each guy has been well educated and come from a good family. She said no to all of them. One of her reasons...they were all too short. Now...some people might think this is ridiculous but it is her choice. Who am I to force her to marry anyone? I love her, I want her to marry and I was so wanting her to say yes to the third guy who proposed for her hand. However...she said, "no". I have to respect her decision. I have no right to push her and that is what is happening in your situation. You are not standing up and speaking up for yourself!
Again, I know we are talking about different cultural differences but seriously...what is the rush in marrying her? Why is it set in stone that you have to marry her in what..the next 17 days?! Open your mouth and let you family know that you want to sit with her and talk. You want to know a little bit about her...what she likes, dislikes and so forth.
So...it's like this brother, you have got to put you big pants on here. You are not a child...you are a man. You need to open up your mouth and speak. You are not some battery operated doll that has an "on" and "off" switch. You have feelings, desires, dreams and wants like all of us. To anyone who reads your post, it is clear that you have hesitations about this marriage. It is happening way too fast for your liking and there is nothing wrong with that. I would hate to see any of my sons or daughters being pressured into a marriage that they clearly were not ready for. It is not right and definitely in your situation, it is not fair to you or this girl. With time not on your side...I really do hope you will open up to your family and let them know what is going on in your head. Tell your mother to save her tears and just listen to you and what it is that you are asking. If she really loves you and cares about your health and well being, she will hear what you have to say.
Salam
Salam
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu
Sister Najah,
my family give me full right to accept or not this girl when i say yes i like this relation and say that don’t hurry right now i am not ready i want some time but they process, i only just not wants everything is going so quickly, my family is try to delay because of me but girl family is not wants. because of that i thought maybe i am doing mistake to delay which is good to come to me and Allah SWT punish me if i break many hearts.
My mom also wants me and girl have talk, they knows about me what’s going on without my words, my mom loves me like more than another masha allah, and they also tense if she finde me sad, tomorrow she say now you have to talk to girl what plans are yours and girls, she knows we have to talk and she also wants before nikaah both of us like each other and she never knows i also like girl because i am not say this.
I say that i like also this relation because i found this is perfect match, problem is i don’t know is it right to talk before nikaah or if I talk to girl then what she think about me, how to start, i just want to comfortable with girl before nikaah, I am send a single message blessing of our marriage and say that "i don’t know is it right to talk before nikaah" she reply "i know it’s better we don’t talk before nikaah at least we require any 3rd person", i don’t know what’s going on her mind she like me or not, she also wants to talk to me or not.
Salam Brother,
Maybe your mother could talk to her mother and arrange a day for lunch together. Your mothers can be there and the two of you could talk and ask a little about each other. I am certain that this young girl has a lot of questions for you too. She probably feels a lot like you do brother...in the dark. I am sure she would love to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to her. I know it's awkward because you know nothing about each other but over tea, you each can open up and get to know one another better. Brother, I can assure you...if this sister was not interested in you and did not want this marriage to take place...things would not be moving forward. She obviously is happy, she just want's everything to be in a halal manner. Nothing wrong with talking to each other as long as a family member present. Let your mother do what mothers do best and see if she can arrange a meeting between you and this girl. Inshallah all will go well and the two of you will find a connection.
Salam
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu
Sister Najah,
both of us living in different city,
Brother,
How far is her city from yours? Is it too far away that your families could not plan a time for you and your bride to be to have a bit of tea and conversation?
Salam
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu,
yes her city is far away from our city, and i don’t think my family could plan something like that, i don’t know what is good, i just want to be comfortable which is going on, i am trying to send FB message just to tell my feeling and don’t get satisfied reply.
our conversation:
ME :
Asslam alekum wa rahmatullahi barkatohu
i am not found any third person who’s presence is comfortable between us,
i don’t know what you think about me,
You like me or not you are happy or not,
How many question is going on in your mind i don’t know,
I am didn’t know that you also want to talk to me or not.
i don’t know how much you suffer through pain or fear or joy or happiness,
or maybe i am over react,
Because of my words i don’t know what you think about me.
in future i don’t know what happen.
may Allah put love, happiness, joy and barkaah on our marriage and protect us from shaitan.
SHE :
Walekum Assalam
i think u hav misunderstood my sentence..[bt atlst v wont require ne 3rd person ,
v cn directly communicate(in case of ne imp msg)]
but
forget it . vl sort out later.
ME : wt
SHE : nothing forget it
ME : ok
End conversation
Maybe i am doing something wrong do disclose my personal thing but i don’t understand about girl, may be i am doing some mistake so i am stop myself if girl wants to talk me before nikaah so i do and now i am not making effort for this. in future i am married or not i don’t know i got wife who love me or not i don’t know but i am try to do every possible thing to save our relation or make in it joy, happiness, love. i am just a human only try, and everything is depend upon Allah SWT and we know that Allah SWT is best planner for their believer.
Thanks sister you really help me in my worst days of my life and many other brother and sister also Allah SWT give all of them Jazakallah khair and protect us from shaitan.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
No matter how far the city is, you being a man of 28 yrs old can make necessary arrangements to meet her with/without any member/s within your family. You do not need family planning to meet her, you are a mature individual, so just talk to that girl's family and inform them that you want to come over and meet them etc. Then just get a car or train and go to her home. Or if you wish call her mobile or by any other means. Face-to-face is better. If there's a will there's a way.
Regarding your fb conversation, it seems as though you are writing to her as an innocent, weak and immature person ( this is not said in any harsh way insha'Allah no offence ) and so you've got to be strong, brave and confident as she is and send her fearless logical questions. Ask for her feelings and her views regarding this marriage without showing much affection. You should watch out what you say or else you might make her feel uncomfortable, just ask her fun things and make her feel like she's chatting with a special guy ( fiance ). Try to use more humour, make her smile by your serious question etc. Basically, before attempting to ask any questions, you've got to anticipate her answers first. This might perhaps help you with how well your instincts can predict her and judge where this relationship is heading after marriage. She might not show any sign of affection or love or etc right now basically because she is not even your wife yet. She is stranger to you and therefore only after marraige the love between you both will grow insha'Allah. And also she said that
, it seems as though both of you are misunderstanding each other, are you guys conversing in English ? Its best to do the talking in your own native language, the language which you both can understand perfectly without misunderstanding insha'Allah.
All the best.
Brother علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ
Many people say that before nikah we don’t have to talk we don’t have to meet when someone say this i don’t have answer, distance never matter time doesn’t matter for me, just i don’t want anything wrong happen Because of me i say that i hate gf/bf relation i only just want be comfortable before nikaah, there is many people in our family who say boy is going to meet girl without informing parents, i don’t wanna be reason to someone who laugh on me, my family, girl and her family,
i am really happy to find you as my life partner and i am thankful to Allah SWT for this, he gave me such life partner who i want.
yes i am ready for this marriage but i just want to know about your feeling, if you fine for this it’s ok if there is some pressure like you parents or some kind of emotional pressure, or you confused or you wanna take time, you have discuss with me maybe we can find some solutions. And may be our family understands us.
i don’t know she knows or not previous engagement is break on September i think she knows, is that right to inform her and about my feeling related to this, like
i like this girl and her family and i don’t think girl and her family deserve this and i am try to make this relation not break but not succeed, and after that i accept it,
i am say this to you doesn’t mean to know about your past relation if there is or not, just want to make you comfortable for this relation before nikaah. i am try to make myself a good Muslim husband to make our relation pious, lovable, strong and dutiful to Allah SWT and i want if you also doing this it’s good for our future inshallah.
or is there any more thing i have to discuss before nikaah.
i thought i have to call first to her dad directly about my feeling, she is religious educated mature enough to understand me and know what i have to do, but i don’t know is i have to inform this to my family. Because they have fear to lose this relation and in last moment i don’t want any issue.
Misterx,
Assalam'alaykum,
Some people advised you to avoid talking before nikah because there are many cases where an engagement has been broken and nikah cancelled due to suspicion, doubts, arguements etc caused during the time of engagement while chatting or talking etc. Therefore, when meeting/talking to your fiance, you must be very concious of what you are saying. You must always connect your tongue to your brain before uttering anything. Yes you are allowed to talk to her by keeping in mind shariah limits, discussing the wedding arrangements or her thoughts or etc and not anything personal or past. Therefore, be very cautious when communicating with her, you dont want to broke this engagement now do you ? Listen carefully, talking about your pasts and your willingness to marry the previous girl etc is a really really terrible idea. Infact that maybe the deal breaker. Do not do it.
Secondly, if you want to know if she was pressured into this marriage or not, then ask her close relatives. I believe she isn't forced or else she would have mentioned it directly/indirectly to you over fb, or she could have asked any questions if she was bothered, or she could of explained her feelings but no, it doesn't seem so, she is willing to communicate with you over fb atleast which only shows her willingness insha'Allah.
If everything is ready and good to go before marriage, then do not try to find ways to communicate with her unless absolute necessary of course. I believe there is no need to go after her feelings, because if she is willing to marry you so much, then all you did was overthink, headache, tension etc. Therefore, if you wish to ask her any questions then you should initiate asking her and not exposing yourself and your feelings. Be strong. Forget your past. If you communicate with her, talk about religious stuff, life, death, see that she prayed today etc. This might improve your image if she is religious.
Fianlly, get some peace of mind before your wedding , only 2 weeks left I guess. Put trust in Allah. Do not overthink.
No no no, don't talk in this way to your fiance. Don't tell her you like another girl lol. You'll only scare her and make her run away by doing so thus breaking this engagement. Basically, never bring up topic on previous proposals. Period.
"she is willing to communicate with you over fb atleast which only shows her willingness "
i dont think so,
she also not want we have to talk through FB
is you notice she only give me confusing answer "vl sort out later." after asking she say "nothing forget it"
she never say any time inshaallah or i dont get any kind of positive response.
Is it right I am say to my family I want to talk her before marriage and you have to arrange meeting between us with presence of any of our family member,
o r
I have to start little talking to her father related to arrangement of our wedding and try to talk her mom and maybe girl and me talk sometime.
Regarding your previous conversation,
Firstly she said,
Most probably, it means that you've misunderstood her when she said you both do not need 3rd person, infact you can communicate directly via mobile maybe according to her. But since you didn't understand her talk, then only she said,
this might mean that, she'll find another means to communicate with you insha'Allah.
Whatever the case maybe, if she doesn't like to communicate via fb, then don't go ahead with fb.
Regarding your question on which options are better from the two you gave, I believe that both those options are ideal. Go ahead with both to build strong relationship with that girl's family.
thanks alot brother,
these days you dont understand how much i have fear of my life, may be no one knows how much if and but is goes in mind, but i feel some one is with me to guide me and pretect me doing wrong. inshallah all of you brother and sister got reward of this in this world and here after pray for me brother i dont know its is good or not to asking for pray, i am always remember all of you in prayer, and Allah SWT always keep blessing on us.
i am try to do both of option to make our relation successfull, inshaallah Allah SWT help me if i am on right path.
I'll remember you in my du'a insha'Allah. Dont worry, everythings gonna be fine insha'Allah.
Brother,
You say, "Is it right I am say to my family I want to talk her before marriage and you have to arrange meeting between us with presence of any of our family member"?
I say, "absolutely"! It is in my opinion, very important that you and this girl are able to meet and talk face to face. Your wedding is not far away so don't waste time. God willing everything will work out fine for both of you.
Salam
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu,
Yesterday i talk to girl father on phone and talk about just simple thing and confirming spelling of girl family names for wedding card, and little bit talk related to wedding arrangements. He was so happy when we talk i feel the feeling of girl father he such a nice person, i feel better when talking to him, after that day means today my mom want me to talk girl to make some plan of walima days and vacations or may be my mom know my feeling.
i don't know where to start and how to start, just i have to call and say how r u, what are you doing everything is fine? you are happy?, i thought its not right what she thing about me, i know her father told everything about over phone conversation, which i want. or is it i have to make first her father permission to proceed i think first i have to inform her father and simply say that i want to talk her before marriage if you give permission then i talk to her otherwise i wait till nikaah.
there is many chances he give me permission because i feel he likes me, and if he give me permission then where i have to start or what i have to say i just want to things simple just want simple talk about her study about her holidays about her future plan and some feeling to know that she is happy. i don't want to be make any bad image in her heart, because first impression is last impression. i dont know what type of question i have to ask.
may be today i am try to talk my father inlaw.
Brother,
I can certainly imagine the two of you sitting down together will be awkward but...just be yourself. Women can't stand it when men are fake or pretend to be something they are not. Just be yourself and you are going to do great.
Salam
Walekum Assalam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu,
Tomorrow I call my father in-law and say that
"Tomorrow when i talk to my mom and say i think we have to talk before nikaah then my mom says yes its fine, so that I’m asking for you, there is many people who say we don’t have to talk before marriage."
Then he says "yes i know that they said because there is many issue arise and marriage breaks but don’t worry you talk to her when i am at home i am try to do" and asking me everything ok or you want to say somehing? And we do some formal talk.
So i am waiting from tomorrow to till now but i don’t get any cal from him, I don’t know what they talk about me and about this relation means girl family, is girl is in some pressure or want something else which I don’t know.
Many times shaitan gives me -ve thinking and i am try to avoid, Brother علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ say "She might not show any sign of affection or love or etc right now basically because she is not even your wife yet. She is stranger to you and therefore only after marriage the love between you both will grow Insha’Allah". i thought its fine but after marriage if this is not happen everything fail what i have to do then?
is it i am too curios to talk to her or i am doing some big sin, i am study something like it’s enough for both of you to see one time and if both of you have no issue then go for nikaah.
Najah sister many time i am also think i am try to pretend like honest or good guy, i don’t know is really i am or not, but i don’t want be a fake person, i also want she like me who i am and i want also make myself good person.
i don’t know what i have to do now? Is I am wrong or right? What happen to me in future, if good then shukralhamdullilah and if something bad I have to adjust.
Brother,
Those people that tell you there is no need to talk before marriage are fools. Sorry...that's how I see it. There is a need to talk...this woman is going to be your partner for life! Even just small talk between the two of you will help each of you to feel more at ease with one another.
Brother...love does not happen overnight. You and your soon to be wife will in essence be building a foundation together. With time, love...and most of all, respect...the two of you will build a beautiful life together God willing. There is no sin talking to her brother and the fact that you are curious is totally normal. I am certain she is feeling just as anxious as you.
Brother...marriage is work. Be good to your wife, and she will be good to you. Work together and be kind to each other and you will have a good and happy life God willing. Marriage has it's up and down's no matter who you are...it is part of life. When things are not good, you work to make them better. No marriage is perfect and it takes both husband and wife to work to make it successful.
The other day I was thinking of you and all that is going on in your life. For some reason, a big smile came to my face. I think you are going to be fine and together with this woman you both are going to be happy together. Put your faith in Allah and make dua to him that your life will be happy and fruitful. Please let us know if and when you get to meet with your fiance and how everything goes.
Salam
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu,
tomorrow she msg me
she : "y didn't you call"
i simply say that "i thought you not like it"
she : it's not like that.
how stupid I'm thinking bla bla bla and she is waiting, and after that my mobile is having some issue and then dead and we stop chat.
and in night approximately 8pm i see her one miscall, and cal her and ask her about arrangements and shopping she only reply yes or no and after 2 min we end cal, so i didn't know about wt she feels.
now today i am waiting for her response and after evening send her a msg and after that we have done some chat only on study and education stuff.after that she is asking me are you happy, on that time I'm busy in some office work and she is asking me one more time after some time i see her msg and think at that time, o shetttt why i am doing such a mistake she is waiting for my answer and i am busy, and i cal her and explain the situation and asking her question she never repeat, and i say that yes i am happy and asked her is you happy she says yes i am happy too, i say shukralhamdulilaah and we cal end and after that some formal chat.
and i feel yes everything is going smooth no issue in our marriage she is also not issue in this relation. i though Allah help me till here insha allah help me in future also, i am try to control myself not been more close to this girl before marriage and inshallah Allah sWT protect us from bad thing, wrong intension from shaitan and guide us on right path, and give joy happiness and barkaah in our nikaah,
Q1 :
everything is perfect and every issue may be resolve, just one, some time i think about my past, and feels guilty which is done my family members and relatives who made previously girl life measurable i thought is she also happy and she also having a good life partner, i am try many time i don't have to think about her and whenever my past is come in my mind i say it's not right forget this, you don't have to think about any girl, you done big sin to think about girl who is not your wife, forget every word every dreams everything, how to resolve this?
Q2 :
and one more thing i am sure my spouse ask me about my past relation and i am also dam sure i didn't say lie, and if she knows this and never understand this then what i have to do.
Q3 :
there is one more question if the past relation girl cal me then wt i have to do, how to handle my past.
or just i have to leave every worry on side and enjoy the life and when this issue is come then think about that.
Brother,
Take a deep breath and just let things fall into place now. Stop worrying yourself so much and enjoy the fact that you will soon take a bride. Inshallah both of you will be very happy together.
Salam
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu,
Our parent’s fix our marriage, in 29 December 2012 is our Nikaah in our village, and Walima 31 December 2012.
We both not talk on mobile only communicate through sms and only 2 or 3 time we talk on mobile because of some important points related to arrangements plans and all.
both of us when meet like each other, but we don’t want to do it now and our parents fix in short period, we want some time to ready for our self me and girl also, any ways we now try to ready for our Nikaah and masha- allah both of us likes each other and knows little bit about each other, I don’t know what’s is I’m really like her or try to like her.
Some time we thought our parents is fixed our Nikaah hence we don’t have any other way to like each other and because of that we try to like each other. And also pray if Allah SWT wants this relation then we don’t try to be a reason to break this and try to save this relation in any circumstances and problems and insha-allah Allah SWT also protect our relation.
Brother,
Use the days you have ahead to pray and ask Allah to give you a fruitful and happy life. I pray that you and your bride to be will both be very happy together on your journey to a new life together.
Salam
Assalam Alekum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu,
Thanks sister Najah and all brothers and sisters,
i will remember all of u in my prey also.
Assalamu Alaykum,
Dear Brother,
I saw your entire story today, Hope your in good health and Imaan
May ALLAH bless you and give success in every walk of life, May Allah forgive all of us and guide us to the right path, Ameen!
Fee Amanillah