I want to marry someone of my own choice
Love marriage or arranged marriage?
I am almost 24. I was engaged when I was 22 to my second cousin. When his proposal came, my parents didn’t really like him because they knew we both liked each other. But I never wanted to go against my parents' will so I didn’t pursue him.
When he started a good career, he sent his parents to my house. This impressed my parents and they thought he was serious in me and they also knew this marriage would make me happy. I got engaged to him but totally with my parents' consent as it was their decision. And I was very much in contact with him because our parents were okay with it. He lived in another country so it was a long distance relationship.
During our engagement period, a lot of issues arise between us. He didn’t really respect me and started taking me for granted and told each and every issue of ours to his parents. All those things were disclosed to me one year after the engagement. I got a little scared. He also started putting restrictions on me which were a little unfair.
I started telling my parents that I was having problems. They listened to me but never really did anything. It came to the point that I was so depressed that my parents started taking notice. One month before the wedding, my father decided to take stand for me. My mother wasn’t ready. But they both agreed that he was doing wrong. I tried to do some reconciliation with him but he said you are being stupid but he didn’t make any attempt to stop me.
My father called his parents and broke the engagement. His family started spreading rumors about me in family which was natural. My mother got really depressed. She kept on saying you loved him, how can you do that. She even went in denial and keeps saying that he was a good guy and you did wrong to him.
I was in love but I know in my heart it was the right decision. I am not really ready to get married now instantly. But now my parents are forcing me to marry another cousin of mine who is a nice guy. I am totally against marrying someone in family. I want to escape all the “tags” and labels I am associated with. My parents say they won’t force me but I overhear them saying that they will get me married to this guy. They even blame me sometimes that we did everything for your happiness, so now you owe us.
There is another guy that I know who proposed to me right after my engagement broke off. But he said he doesn’t have a job at the moment so he asked me to wait 2-3 months. I am very comfortable with him because I do have an understanding with him. And I know his family too. With him I can even pursue my career. But my father has made it clear that no love marriage and said that I’ll think that you used me to get out of the engagement because of this guy.
I don’t know what to do. I even did Istakhara and still my mind doesn’t accept getting married to my cousin. I talked to my mother’s sister. She is on my side but she said your father won’t allow it because this cousin is his sister’s son.
I pray regularly and I love my parents but when I think about getting married to someone I don’t feel comfortable with, I just can’t breathe. Because his family is NOT like me.
I want to work along with my marriage. This other guy is totally okay with it. He is also in the same field as I am. I see a good future with him. He is religious. And he gives me nothing but respect. But my parents are not even ready to consider anyone else now. They don’t even know him or met him yet. This is affecting my personality and my life really bad. Please tell me what to do.
- dazzlingdamsel
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Sister,
I'm sorry to hear of all these things. When I read your post, I was honestly surprised. Among all the emails I recieve everyday from this site everytime someone posts something new (which I get delivered to my email), your situation seemed the easiest that I've read in a long time. I actually raised an eyebrow when you said that your parents went along with your decision to marry your cousin (the first one), and that then only because you were saddened by the way you were being treated, of all people your father stood up for you. Subhan Allah, you are lucky to have such wonderful parents!
As I kept reading, you said you know in your heart that you aren't ready to get married suddenly, but then you'll marry this other gentleman over your cousin? It sounds like two things are happening...
1. you're trying to break away from the stereotypical tradition that desi/paki/indian families, and even muslim families... have of marrying within the family. It sounds like you're aware of a more "updated" way of life and want to not follow the more traditional way that your culture may take you. Please excuse me if you're in fact not pakistani or indian, but the way you're speaking about your family it seems that's the most probable.
2. you (and I'm sorry to say this...) want to wait until you find a "perfect" match. I say this because you had almost everything with your first cousin... attraction, your parents consent, knowing who he is, (all these things are VERY rare to have all at once for many people from your part of the world, as you can easilly read by the many, many posts of poor girls asking for help with just those issues alone which devistate them...)
I'm sorry to say that perhaps you should have simply recognized what you had with your first cousin, and worked on the things that seemed to go downhill? Perhaps ask your parents rather than supporting a dissolution of the marriage, to support your happiness by having a talk with his family about maintaining respect for you, and making it clear that you will in fact have somewhere to go, should he end up to be a dishonorable, abusive husband...
Now it's too late, unless you can go back to your cousin... but I really have no suggestions for you. I do hope that you find all that you're looking for, but I just had to say how surprised I was that you had both an attraction to a person, AND your parents blessing for your marriage after he worked and got a career just to earn your hand then sent his parents to your house asking for you, and you seemed to self distruct your own happiness. How do you know this new beau will be the man who will make you happy? Now, you don't have your parents blessing for the man you want, and you're going against your parents for who they want for you. I'd say you chose your path, and had your shot to marry the man you wanted, but you turned him down. Now, perhaps you should honor your parents and count your blessings.
Salam
S. Stacy
Sister,
You owe no one a thing. This is your life...your future. Be patient and God willing things will turn around. Stand your ground and never marry anyone whom you do not wish to be married to. In the end of the day, it is your life and your happiness and well being are of the utmost importance.
Salam
Salam,
I understand the advice that sister Najah gave you, and its true that if you lived in the west... (Do you perhaps live in the UK?)... that you might suffer less if you "stood your ground"... Meaning that in the west you're at less chance of creating a situation that could potentially make you miserable. In the east, especially in more conservative countries, you have to be able to recognize when you have it good. Not taking advantage of something so important as marriage that seemed 85% in your favor, with the unfavorable 15% issues that are easilly resolved can lead to disaster if you happen to be trapped in a tightly knit conservative religious community where tradition and family hold so much weight.
I'm just questionable on what the ground is that you're standing on... In other words, it soundeasu were easilly discouraged from working through common marital issues. Him sharing things with his parents and being a little restrictive (remember you're comparing his restrictions to the only other experience you have, which is a free, single woman, and marriage does naturally restrict us and cause our priorities to be redirected in some ways which might at first feel unnatural or even unfair) are problems that come naturally with a budding relationship, before boundaries have been set.
I don't think you should marry someone you dont like, but just remember to not take advantage and recognize your parents embracing a step away from a strict approach, so that you might be happy... They were born in a different time and showing such understanding is something that should be appreciated. Also, they're only human and you might use up their patience... They might not be like you, but its obvious that they know it, and they're trying to level with you which is both admirable and rare. Times are changing, and ideas of marriage are changing, but it takes time, so find out how both respect your parents traditional values while finding a good husband WHEN you're even ready to get married. Maybe you're just not ready... You should think about that possibility too.
Please excuse any typos, I'm on my phone.
Salam,
S. Stacy
Asalam dazzlingdamsel,
I am sorry to what you had to go through. It seems like you had to go through a huge emotional roller coaster, and inshAllah things will get better. I just couldn't help to notice that your story seems a little fishy to me in a third person point of view.
First of all you said you liked your first fiance. From what I understand from that part of your story is that you and him were both interested in each other romantically, both of you were young and perhaps had unstable careers. You perhaps tried to convince OR talked to your parents about him but it didn't seem to work out since both of you guys were young and still working to build your future. However, when the right time came and he started to be stable with his career and became a little bit more presentable to your parents so he send the proposal to your parents. Your parents said yes because he seemed more presentable and because of the pressure that you were actually interested in this guy.
Things started to go downhill for you after engagement because you and him had mis-communication or you (or him) couldn't maintain the LDR. You started to get more close with Guy #2 (the one you claim to be more comfortable with). When your fiance came to know about this (either through you telling him or whatever) your fiance did not like this naturally because it just seem make him feel insecure. If i were you (at that moment) I would have listened and stopped being friends with this Guy #2. But you didn't for whatever reason and your fiance told his parents that he was unhappy with you for those reasons. I can see that he was actually pretty good guy because he still wanted to marry you in hope that perhaps you would change once you're married and living with him. You although, felt uncomfortable about this whole thing and told your parents about the issues you were having with him. So almost last minute your dad calls it off. Your ex-fiance's family probably aren't starting rumors but just answering the questions that people are asking who were anticipated to go to the wedding. Your fiance really isn't the bad guy, so they are just telling people the truth.
Your mother is devastated because she probably had to emotionally go through a lot for you and him to be in a relationship and now you didn't want to be married with him anymore. ...I would also be devastated if i was your mother.
As you said, right after the engagement broke off, obviously it was Guy #2's time to shine. He sent the proposal. You said you were already so comfortable and had a good understanding with him and you wanted to marry him. But he has no stable career. Doesn't this sound familiar? ...sounds awfully a lot like what you started with when you were with your ex-fiance.
As for your parents wanting you to marry a good cousin... if i were you I would go with that option.
Please fear Allah and wipe those tears from your mother's face. Allah and your parents are here with you, they know you better than you know yourself.
Exactly!
im pakistani. and I honestly sympathize with you. I don't understand why parents want to marry off their daughters to people they dont like. Your parents seem open minded. I think you have to stand your ground and convince them to support you in finding the right person for you.
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
They don’t even know him or met him yet. This is affecting my personality and my life really bad. ...
PL TELL THAT BOY TO SEND HIS PARENTS TO ASK FOR YOUR HAND AND YOUR PARENTS WILL CONSULT YOU-
THEN YOU AGREE AND GO AHEAD THATS ALL THERE IS TO THIS NEW PERSON IN YOUR MIND-
DO ISTHAKHARA AND AT EVERY STEP SO THAT IF IT WRITTE IT WILL HAPPEN OTHERWISE IT WONT
BUT PLS STOP YOUR INATERACTION/CORREPONDENCE WITH THE NEW GUY AND LEAD YOUR SELF TO DESTRUCTION.
LOVE BEFORE NIKAH IS NOT LOVE IT IS INFATUATION CLEAR CUT EMOTIONS OF EVIL-THOUGHT-
Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.
Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.
All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.
Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?
He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other.
The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him.
And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.
So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.
The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.
Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.
JUST TELL HIM TO BRING PROPOSAL TO YOUR HOUSE- THEN STOP INTERACTION IF YOU FEAR ALLAH-THEN HOPE FOR GUIDENCE FROM ALLAH...IF IT WORKD IT YOUR IN YOUR DESTINY IF IT DOES NIT THEN IT IS NOT-
TRGATDS A
LIYOUSUFF
Thanks for the concern all of you. I know you wished the best for me.
So I recently had my nikkah done to this cousin of mine. I was totally forced into it after being emotionally blackmailed by parents. Rukhsati is next month. As you all suggested, parents decide the best. I tried with all my heart to believe that too. I begged infront of Allah for forgiveness and said yes at the time of Nikkah for my parents sake. But now my mother in law has started pressuring us into typical traditions and she forbid her son to keep in touch with me as she said "contact between girl and guy before wedding is not appropriate" even though I had my nikkah done. My parents still see everything. But they are not paying any attention to it. Only I can understand what I am going through. And I see a life full of compromises and unhappiness. I don't even have the tactics to deal with such dominating women like my mother in law. And I pray all the time but the guy I was fighting for, his memories still haunt me. And I cannot get him out of my mind. I feel guilty for not fighting that much for my right. But now.. nothing can be done. I see a long journey of unhappiness. :')
Dear Sister,
You are married now. you have got into a life long commitment. Think of your husband and think of your life as a wife, daughter in law etc. You are to enter a new life, prepare yourself accordingly. Let your past life, just a past, insha-allah with passing time, old memories will fade away.
i know your mother in law is wrong in her view as you have got into Nikah so islamically there is nothing wrong if you meet/talk to your husband but be patient as your Rukhsati is next month only and this one month will fly like anything. You can utilize this time to improve yourself and prepare yourself for the upcoming life, for example - learning tactics "to deal with such dominating women like my mother in law" she seems to be very traditional so you have to adjust a bit.
if you remain sad and dull, how your husband would feel? will you able to give him the love, care and attention a wife should give. if you are unable then how would he return the same to you. dont you realize that another life (your husband) is connected with you.
think of everything with a practical mind. whatever you would do, it will affect many lives and two families. Think whatever happens, happens for a reason and for our betterment. Trust allah(Swt) and welcome your new life with happiness.
i wish you all the best