Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m not attracted to my husband

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I don't know how to state my problem. I am really depressed and upset. I have been married since 7 years and have a son who is 6 yrs old. My marriage was an arranged marriage, after marriage we faced a lot of issues but I kept compromising. Now the life is smooth, but here is a big big issue in my heart. I had never liked my husband physically, he is not handsome at all. I tried a lot not to think about it. But it's impossible, I just hate his looks. If I take khula, would it be a sin? His attitude is normal towards me, not very caring, not bad. It's average, but I am quite depressed, whenever I see him, I feel sad. Please give me some advice.

sia

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18 Responses »

  1. Hi sister,

    dont worry sister , first take a deep breath and feel like you are in the sky to make sure you are relaxed.

    Now i would like to tell you that beauty is not from the color , looks and attractiveness but it is from inside , inside the heart . i dont know how your husband looks like but i can bet your husband is 1000 times better than other one,s. lIfe is not a facebook profile picture , you have to compromise , run and walk by holding eachothers hands. there is a quote of a leader muhammad ali jinnah that think 1000 times before taking a decision and once its taken , hold on it. so you should now hold on.

    try to find the qualities in your husband , try to find whats different great things in him but not in others, try to remember the happy moments which you spent with him , try to see the husbands of other womens who are not good when compared to your husband.

    Please sister dont take khula , it would be very sad , now a days science is very improved and you can become beautiful by using different treatments , fall in love with him and change him.

    and before taking any wrong step think once more , you are going to spoil the life of your little Innocent child

  2. I agree with the brother Ahmed Mehtab. From your post, it seems khula would be pointless. Your husband is not mean, not crazy, supports you and your son, and he is a Muslim. Life is not always a joy ride, but we do get the most sawab from our patience and good efforts. Hang in there and think positive about your situation versus others. Then you will see "the grass is not always greener on the other side." Alhamdulilah we have a good, safe, boring life instead of a scary life in hunger, poverty, and war.

    Salam,
    Shereen

  3. I agree with the above advices MasAllah. I also say don't DIVORCE. You are being harsh on your husband. Your actually searching for something that's not there or will ever be. Us humans create our own problems and when problems occur we don't see the positives maybe you need to work on this and this could be causing the issues on you. Also I advise you to get out more from the house or take up an activity to keep yourself busy.

  4. I say Allah has made nikah easy but marriage difficult.

    Love is a desire, we have been given a need to feel love as part of our nature. And Allah has given us halal means of feeling both the love of the heart and the physical love. It is one of the greatest gifts, Ins'Allah.

    God has also given us ways to find love, should we be in a marriage that does not fulfill us. For a man, talaq is "easy", he can also keep a wife he respects but who does not fulfill his need to feel love, both physical and love of the heart, by marrying a second, third and fourth wife. Society doesn not give women this right. However, the right to feel intimacy, and fulfillment in intimacy is woman's as much as man's.

    Most scholars agree that not feeling fulfilled intimately is a valid reason to ask for khul. And feeling that you don't want to give your husband his rights because you are not attracted to him is also a valid reason for khul.

    Narrated Ibn 'Abbas (RA): The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Apostle said (to her), "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet said to Thabit, "O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once." (Sahih Al-Bukhari)

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I strongly agree with your 4th paragraph. Not feeling attraction towards a spouse is a very painful thing indeed and trying to have certain feelings can't happen at will.

      To the OP:

      The consequences of divorce are not easy either. It is not like you will exit one difficulty to enter ease. Whatever decision you take, weigh all matters carefully.

      I would say one thing though, sometimes we may feel no attraction to our spouse, but find it grows through actions or a very attractive person can appear not attractive for their behaviour. Think about what your husband's most attractive quality is to you (it could be his strength, his ability to take care of you, or something that isn't necessarily physical) and focus on it.

      Maybe you have not really gotten a chance to know him as much as you could--we never really know a person completely especially since people change over time.

      Try not to rush into a decision. May Allah swt ease your difficulties as men or women who live with a spouse they are not attracted to, is not an easy thing.

  5. Assalamualaikum sister what if you meet with an accident and your face gets spoilt and you look ugly and your Husband thinks same about u to divorce you how would you feel , attraction of face s just an infatuation , and marriage is not only for happy life but to see the beauty in your partner with many flaws , this is not right to khula him on this basis, have you ever thought about your son and about his life . when u try to see his good things your hubby no matter how he looks from outer but he will look handsome to you , actuly u need to stop comparing your husband to other males , and thank allah for what u have been blessed with , many sisters are struggling to get married ...... think about the people who are less blessed than u and thank allah ...

    jazakallahu khair

  6. Did you meet your husband before you got married? Did you enjoy his company when you were newly married?

    Are you very pretty? What is a handome man according to you? What is your husband missing?

  7. Or could it be that a jinn is influencing or manipulating her thoughts in order to seperate her from your husband? Maybe just maybe or maybe i could be wrong.

  8. To the OP !

    My wife is good looking, fair and physically attract full. But believe me, she has made our marriage life miserable. Why? Because of her bad attitude, un-loyalty, and ignorance towards her responsibilities. Now tell me, what should I do of her beauty? When she shows all the above qualities, I curse myself as why to even sleep with her? I dislike her to the point that I want to separate from her, divorce her and find peace in my life. But since divorce is not applicable here, therefore, I just "resist" myself, because I cannot change her.

    I will love to live with a wife with normal physical attributes but must be obedient, responsible, sensible, respectful, and most of all God fearing!

    Believe me sister, you need to look your husband from different angle. And the right angle is already given by Prophet (PBUH) when selecting spouses (for bot boy and girl). Search those Hadeez, and follow it. You will eventually find inner peace, enshaa'Allah.

  9. The real problem is that you feel he is only average towards you. Why do we continue with arranged marriage, when some people just aren't compatible and we are making our loved ones depressed. The problem here is that you haven't had the chance to choose your life. It's been forced upon you. This is not your fault and it isn't fair in my opinion and I understand your situation. I agree beauty comes from within, but he is not beautiful inside if he doesn't make you feel loved. :/

  10. Salam alaikum, i do understand where you are coming from. I dont believe getting divorced is the best option but talking is. Tell him how you feel and see how he reacts and if he even takes your problem seriously. Because MEN believe it or not, is not easy for a woman to get physical if she is disqustited/annoyed/ unantrackted/unloved etc.by her husband. I find my husband atractive but his personality is very ugly sometimes and at these times i want to vomit when i see him, he makes me sick n it makes him so UGLY. So even when we are arguing it doesnt change his atraction towards me but my atraction towards him changes right away. So i believe your atraction to him is not strong because he doesnt show you alot of love and makes you feel extremly wanted, because i think good treating and affection from a man makes you like him and want him more. Im not perfect but im just saying it is a real issue. Inshallah it will turn out good for you and your little family

    May Allah subhanna wa ta'ala give us Rahma and Mowada

    • How is she supposed to complain to her husband that she does not find him attractive? what would be the use, while he is as Allah intended????

  11. Be honest with yourself, evaluate your marriage, does your displeasure for your husband come entirely from his physicality? or are there deeper issues, that are causing you to magnify your issue with his appearance?
    If there are already issues in your marriage, the fact that he is not handsome may bother you more then it would, if your marriage was happy, please take some time to consider this deeply, you may find that working on your marriage, causes you to see past the issue at hand.... or that it effects you to a lesser degree.

    If it is the case that your dislike for your husband stems from his physicality alone, and this continues to cause misery for you, if you fear you will be unable to cater to the rights of your husband, satisfy your own need for intimacy etc, because of your dislike for him, there may be no option other than separation (divorce), even the Sahaba divorced where they felt necessary, some people look upon divorce and divorcees as the ultimate evil, they will condemn ( particularly women) to lives of intolerable misery and injustice, perhaps due to their cultural and certainly unIslamic ways of thinking, ignore these people, they do not make the rules, and in the grand scheme of things, their opinions are as irrelavant to you as they are unjust, being a divorcee or thinking of a divorce does not make you a bad person in any way!

    If you did choose to go for a Khula, in this case you would have to return the Mahr/dowry to your husband, it acts like a ransom in this situation, however, if your husband doesn't accept/want it back, you do not have to force his acceptance-
    Narrated Ibn 'Abbas (RA): The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Apostle said (to her), "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet said to Thabit, "O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once." (Sahih Al-Bukhari)

    please sister do bear in mind, the physicality of your husband is not his 'fault' think about how incredibly heartbreaking it must to know your spouse wants to part ways with you, because they are not physically attracted to you, how this would impact on anyones self esteem, if you choose to go for a khula, deal with the situation with the empathy and consideration, you would want if you were the one being divorced!

    I hope you can resolve this situation in this best manner inshallah, take care sister xxx

  12. How did you manage to have kids if you always found him unattractive? That is my main concern going through a similar situation. I fear not being able to have kids by marrying someone I do not find attractive physically and personality, but Alhamdulillah you have been blessed! don't let shaiytan ruin your family now.

    • ...to be honest she probably just braced herself...once or twice of intercourse...it's most likely she has always felt unhappy doing it...for 7 years. That's enough to drive someone crazy..
      That feeling of suffocation and depression...

  13. It is because of pressure put on Muslim women to marry...thus the rush for arranged marriage. I harbor this idea. I have told my parents that I will not marry unless I have met the person that both my parents AND I feel right.

    This year, I start working in a city far away from home, and I figure that in a few years if I don't find anyone to marry my parents will most likely interfere by trying to "help" me finding suitors; spreading my achievements, pics and profiles to their friends and our relatives in hope of men coming to them for me.

    My mom told me that if there's a man interested though that way, that doesn't mean I have to marry them right away. Introduction, meet, talk with him, if I feel good about him it can continue to chats after that...if I feel he's the right person then it can continue to marriage. If I don't (or he doesn't) then it's okay we'll just move on to other people. I agree with that method.

    But my mom also told me that "love can be made along the way", implying I marry someone I'm not attracted with (both emotionally or physically). I completely disagree with that. I would suffer and be unhappy....and marriage is supposed to be a moment of happiness.

    If you don't want to marry, you shouldn't. Perhaps in forced marriage I would, just because I want to make my parents happy. Then I would try to brace myself for as long as I can until I can have a child...then divorce would be along the way. BUT THAT'S FORBIDDEN. See? I shouldn't have been married in the first place unless I actually want to.

    • Aliya Rahma Najihati ,

      Some people go few more steps ahead . They start live In . They have sex to check for sexual compatibility ,bodies and amount of pleasure they can give each other . Despite trying all these we have seen them getting divorced .

      Just a point as life is tricky . Best way is to follow basic rules properly and leave it to Allah .There is n guaranty for any thing in this world .

      I wish you good luck .

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