Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In-law problems

Assalamwalaikum,

I’d like to share my concern and seek help with regards to my marriage of 2 years.

I Am scientist by profession, raised by a wonderful educated liberal Muslim family. Mu father always wanted me to marry a guy with equal educational status  as he thought it would be compatible with my profession, however I preferred marrying a person from a non medical background.

While searching for good alliance, most the families would either ask for dowry or I just wouldn’t like the vibe of the guy. When my husband’s proposal came, I  felt attracted and asked my parents to get to know him and his family. His family was in the same town as we are but he stays abroad. He isn’t into science, he’s into business by profession After looking into my proposal, he flew down to meet me and my family. We were very impressed by his manners, character, speech, conduct and honesty. However his family never gave away much information about them. My parents wanted me to marry into a family who shared similar mentality and lifestyle like us, my husband seem to fit in just right. But when my father visited their house he realized their social background is very different from ours and they aren’t financially secure either, my father didn’t like their neighborhood as it was in a very low lying area among people of poorer economic background. He spoke to them politely about it and said that he wants me to be married in a house where we share the same social aspects, values and mentality, to which my husband said That I won’t be ever staying in that house because he lives abroad and has the citizenship of that country and he won’t be settling down in his Home country at all. His parents also claimed that they are actually financially secure and liberal minded and they would be moving into a better neighborhood. I had performed isthikhara and put all of my trust in Allah and got convinced that this is the right proposal for me based on my husband’s character and manner alone. I didn’t understand when my father tried to explain me about his family’s background and persuaded him to go ahead with this proposal because this guy has been honest kind and respectful to us like no one else. I told him money and status doesn’t matter to me, what matters is education and manners.

It was on Nikah day I saw his entire family and they were very uncultured and uneducated. I was really shocked to see them that way cuz I thought they mustn’t be very wealthy but they would be educated and liberal people which they weren’t. After that my in laws also showed their true colors in the sense, they showed how they truly talk and behave. I didn’t even have a toilet at their house to use. I had to use my brother in law’s. They only have 2 sons, the younger one lives with them. Before marriage they said though they live in a small house they are financially secure, after marriage they saying that they don’t have any resources to move into a more comfortable house.

Their language is very brash, they have no etiquette and no courtesy. I was very upset seeing all this after marriage. Extremely disappointed because they were at their best behaviors till I got married.

I do love my husband, he is very good to me but he has extremely short temper which gets very abusive and aggressive. He has stayed away from his family for 13 years and hence become extremely detached from them. In his family, the mother is man of the house. Father has no say whatsoever. My husband doesn’t talk to his father at all, only talks to his mom. All the decisions in the house is dictated by his mother. When I tried seek help from them with regards to his anger issue, they don’t really seem to care at all. They don’t give him any advise, don’t try to address the issue and understand why he behaves like that.

Our arguments start over the most normal things or the silliest or issues and it escalates to the point where he always threatens to leave me. Later after my parents get involved he realizes his mistake and apologizes. But his family least bit concerned about this. They never provided for his education also, he took loans and completed his education abroad. His younger brother is extremely pampered and doesn’t have the same drive in life as my husband. Their mother only worries about them eating well. She doesn’t bother about whatever else they do. Father is almost invisible in the house.

Though I love my husband I somehow regret marrying into such a family, I tried my best to connect with his mother but she doesn’t understand me. I always wanted to be in an educated family, Wealth wasn’t important at all. But here they are not only uneducated but extremely uncultured and ignorant. I fear of having my kids grow into such a family and have such grandparents.

I had done isthikhara for 7 days and Made lots of Duaa for a happy and prosperous married life to Allah but I don’t know why I’m just not happy. I don’t want to leave my husband but also I’m very concerned about his anger issue and his family’s ignorance. I’m purposely delaying my pregnancy cuz I don’t want to raise children in such a family.

I live abroad with him but his family persuading to come stay with us. But his brother isn’t getting any good job or Visa cuz of his lack of experience. So they are pressurizing my husband to find his brother a good wife here or get some job somehow so they can move here too.

 

Please help me find a good solution to my problem. Thank you.

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3 Responses »

  1. 1- pray & istaghfar
    2- make your relationship with your husband stronger do not delay happiness.
    3- you did istikhara so have firm beleive that he is the right man
    4- you are living abroad so live peacefully and so not over think about negative issues. Enjoy your time.
    5- if your husband can help his brother let him do it because this is his way of getting reward from allah, helping brother is a nobel act, in whichever way so that he can get job and he can take care of himself, otherwise he will always be dependent on your husband.
    6- i am not sure from your post but as an advice look into this aspect also
    Rich people think that poor are useless creatures they have takabbur, and a person with takabbur will not go to jannah,
    Some people have takabbur of education, if someone is less educated they think they are inferior,
    Altough locality, manners are important and they can be changed,
    but still humans are all sons of adam , and they deserve reapect.
    Being your husband relative they deserve respect which will make your relationship even stronger.

    All good manners you see in your husband are because of their upbringing.

    If possible to change locality it will be great,inshallah after some time when both brother will be working , they will do it

    7- husband want to spend on his family let him spend , he is earning and his family has haqq over his money same like you have haqq over his money.
    Do not take tension for small issues,

  2. You prayed istakhara so I don't see what the problem is? Istakhara doesn't mean you find your "happy ever after fairy tale".
    Istakhara means what is best for your life, your future. You see for example after praying istakhara Some people may have children after marriage, the child dies and they may question why they entered the marriage because this is the worst possible thing to happen to them but little to they know this may lead them to become closer to Allah after going through so much pain and difficulties e.t.c you get the jist.

    And in regards to his family, well it works two ways they might not like the person you are they may even even find you arrogant, spoilt and snobby, maybe you need to realise that you can't mould people to fit in with your perfect world, life would be much easier if you'd accept people for who the were.

  3. Dearest sister I can somehow relate to the story. I once liked a guy online just because of his nature. I saw some of his pictures he wasn't that good looking but acceptable and one thing which was really absurd was that he wore shades in all of his pictures. Later when I discussed him with my parents they somehow agreed after so much convincing. Later when they finally arrived my family realized that the guy had some problem with both of his eyes and didn't dare eye contact any of us. Even his mother had that same problem because she kept wearing coloured shades the whole time they were there and when asked to remove she said her eyes will water because of the air. Later after they were gone my parents were shocked and disappointed that I chose a guy with a flaw which was very prominent although I knew about it but never had the courage to discuss it with him so my parents forced me for istikhara which I didn't wanted to do because MaShaAllah I'm good looking in many terms and my parents thought he wasn't my comparison at all. I was ready to get married to him because of his eye problem. Later my mom asked him what was the problem with his eyes in the most polite way and the reason he gave her wasn't convincing. He said that when he was small he fell down and that's it. I personally couldn't believe that reason, then after much counselling I gave up and finally did istikhara and it was negative as in it interpreted that my cousin said he nikkah broke off (Godforbid) although it's a love marriage. And then it's like this way I followed what was Allah's will and I'm fine so sharing with you my story to assure you that have faith in Allah and trust me preventing or delaying pregnancy won't help you in the least way. The child has it's fate written and InShaAllah his/her fate will change everything for you. And just pray whatever happens, will happen for the best. Recite surah kahf I promise you it'll make a huge difference and start reciting salah and after every salah recite surah Tanjaina 75 times and pray whatever you want. InShaAllah your life will get better and I'll remember you in my prayers. Lots of love.

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