I’ve increased in deen and my wife hasn’t: now we are arguing
Assalaam Alaikum.
I married a non-Muslim woman and we have a 4 year old daughter. When I married her she was a Christian but nominally converted to Islam. At that time I was not very serious about my religion. However, after my daughter was born I have become more religious. I have also been trying to gently nudge my wife towards becoming a more observant Muslim for the last few years.
However, she has not budged from her position. She complains that I "waste" too much time on salah and it also disturbs her sleep when I wake up for fajr salah. She has never fasted in ramadan and has stated that she never will because it is too difficult for her. She also makes a fuss every time I go to visit my parents or send money to them. My parents are growing old but I am afraid I will never be able to care for them as long as I am married to my wife. She doesn't like to visit the mosque and also doesn't like it when I talk to her about wearing modest dress. We live in the United States and I am very concerned that my daughter will not grow up as a good Muslim.
After years of effort, I am beginning to give up hope that my wife will truly accept Islam. We have reached a point where every effort of mine to draw her towards Islam causes more irritation and conflict in the family. A few days back she threatened to divorce me if I further pressed this issue. I would also like to divorce her and move on with life, but am afraid that my wife will get custody of my daughter and lead my daughter to the path of kufr.
Please advise what I should do. Jazakallah.
- Haarith
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Assalamu'alaikum,
Brother, I am sorry to hear about the pain that you are going through. I'm sure it's very difficult for you. Unfortunately this exact drama is being played out over and over again with other brother's just like you.
Based on what I have read, when you married this woman you were not a practicing Muslim. You were a different person from what you are now. Either before or after you got married you convinced her to accept Islam as her religion. Everything is going great so far. Then you have a child and the reality of you not practicing and your child not growing up knowing her deen struck a sour note with you. Am I on track so far?
Here is the problem. If your wife accepted Islam because she wanted to be with you then she came into Islam for the wrong reason. When a person accepts Islam as His/Her religion it is because of the love of Allah(swt). I know this because I was Christian at one time. No one should ever feel pressured into becoming a Muslim.
What you did as we say in the West, " You flipped the script on her". You completely changed. You are no longer the same person she married. After your daughter was born you decided to come back to Islam. The problem is that she is not on the same page as you. It's a good thing that you have begun to take your religion seriously and hopefully you are teaching your daughter.
If you love your wife then you need to be patient with her. Remember, she only remembers the old you not the religious you. When I first accepted Islam my own family didn't understand me at first. I had to be patient with them. The most powerful thing you can do is show her your sincerity in your actions. Remember it's the old you she knows not the person you have become. You need to show her how Islam changed you in a positive way. Show her how you are following the teachings of Prophet Muhammad(PBUH). He was the best of husbands. Be kind to her and don't force her to do anything. You have to take the lead by what you do not what you say.
Insha'Allah what I have said will help. Please, turn to Allah and ask for his guidance.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I totally agree with Abdul Wali's comment about showing sincerity in your deeds. That's the bottom line, I think. Sincerity and patience. And remember that in the end it's in Allah's hands and you cannot control it. Every person must make his/her own choices in life and choose his/her own path.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
MashAllah !!!!!!
I Hope This Perfect Advice Helps Haarith !!!
x
Dear brother,
Dont force your wife with anything, for it will just annoy her and cuz her to not like Islam at all.
Just be patient with her, like Abdul Wali said, tis is the new you and she is not familiar with this new person.
She loved you before and slowing but surely she will fall in love with the new you too. So keep on praticing your religion and teach your daughter too, and Inshallah your wife shall view all this and follow you and become more religious. Dont make any fast decisions, and work things out. Inshallah everything will work out for you for the best.
Salam brrother,
just take it easy. Never force her to accept, welcome or practice Islam in the best way required.
If you can remember, the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAW didnt force Islam on anybody. He carried it gently through his super-dexterity, his 'chronic' simplicity, his courage, and all his best deeds and behaviuors.
So, follow hIm (the Rasoul SAW) in all these ways possible or you. Treat her as a woman, with dignity, respect, care, love, and and and and and............. Just try copying the Prophet in these ways. and alhamdulillahi for she will think and discover the truth in Islam, in Allah's ninety-nine best names.