Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married…or Not?

What does that mean?

Assalamu alaykum,

My husband divorced me multiple times through out our marriage but he would always find an excuse to say the marriage is valid. He divorced me 5/6 times on separate occasions. I understood the gravity of this situation so I went to various scholars, some who would say I am divorced and to leave him and others who would say that my husband and I must take our case to an Islamic judge.

One reputable scholar said that I have been living in zina with my husband, so I urged my husband to take me to the judge to get the matter clarified, but instead he argued with the shaykh! I am a revert to Islam and have nowhere to go. Deep down I believed I was divorced but due to my husband's lack of action in going to the judge, I stayed with him. I wanted to give him a chance to prove that he was angry during the divorces and I didn’t want to throw away a marriage just like that.

However, I persisted in asking my husband for a number of years to go and get the matter clarified and he just would not go. I was now facing an internal battle within myself, as I believed I was divorced but my husband wasn’t taking the matter seriously. My marriage was also extremely toxic. After some time I confided in someone that my husband had divorced me 5/6 times and their shock said it all. I started to realize just how grave a situation I was in, and as my husband wouldn’t go to a judge despite my pleas over a number of years, I decided that I should no longer treat him as a husband. One of the scholars actually advised me to do this as well(until he gets the matter clarified).

I fell into the trap of Shaytaan and believing I was divorced, started talking to other men for marriage. Unfortunately, due to the mental turmoil I was in, I fell into sin with a brother. I committed adultery. I didn’t have intercourse with him but kissed him, but I still believe this is adultery. Please note that at the point of doing this, I genuinely believed my marriage was not valid.

As I had told my husband that I no longer consider him to be my husband as he has divorced me 6 times but isn’t bothered to go to the judge, he started taking me seriously and shopped around for a scholar who he could go to. He went to a scholar but he lied about the state of his anger and the scholar also issued a very lenient fatwa and said our marriage is valid. The scholar admitted that if we went to anyone else, they would have dissolved our marriage but he is saving it as we had taken long to get the matter clarified.

I’m beating myself up now for committing adultery with the man. I hate myself so much and I am suicidal. I asked for khula from my husband as I couldn’t live with myself. I genuinely believe I was divorced and otherwise would not have talked to the brother. My husband didn’t help my situation by taking the matter lightly and fighting with me every time I told him to go to the judge. I’m not blaming him as it’s my own fault but I am so so remorseful and ashamed of my actions. I know Allah is most forgiving but I believe I am the worst sinner in this world and no one is worse than me.


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8 Responses »

  1. Unfortunately this type of marriage is toxic, may Allah (swt) guide you, you ask for advice but really you know the answer as you have answered it over and over again. Unfortunately you are denying the truth and I feel that I personally can not advise you as you are searching for an answer that just isn't here. I think you know what to do Sister but you are not strong enough, May Allah strengthen the sisters within this Ummah . Ameen.

    • Thanks, I am in the same situation where a husband said he divorces me twice on two separate occasions, albeit jokingly. Being in a toxic marriage, the behaviour of women who stay despite spouses threatening to divorce them regularly or saying those words in jest, looks foolish to outsiders looking in, but there are a lot of interpersonal dynamics, and time involved which makes it hard to leave when the immature spouse is not the one who wants out. the receiving partner feels psychologically annihilated and the only way out, is to stop looking for answers, put one's faith in Allah, take it one day at a time, and know that He has got you. It is hard to walk away without this spiritual support, and of course, therapeutic support to ensure the same situation does not arise again - men like this don't change. The question is why do we continue to stay?Why do we volunteer to participate in the. toxicity? Why did we get involved with such people in the first place? it takes a lot of courage to answer these qs, but it is the only way out.

  2. Salamualaikum,
    I advise you to indulge in remorse and repentence in solitude invoking Allah swt. You seem quite distraught at your mistake. Do know that Allah swt knows how you feel and how true your repentence is and Allah swt's forgiveness is greater than everything and covers everything. Believe in Allah swt's forgiveness.
    Understand and Recite frequently the dua of Adam as (rabbana zalamna infusana.....) and Younus as (la ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimeen)


  3. To us your husband sounds very childish and unstable. That's why you're in thks predicament because nobody can tell if he meant them or not and it seems like he would go out his way to lie just to get it the way he wants. If I were you, I would take this opportunity as an insight of what kind of person he is and leave him.

    Go ahead and initiate a proper divorce with your husband just to make it clear that you're actually single and then go ahead and marry a new man.

  4. WS

    I don't see what all the fuss is all about. You stated your marriage is toxic then why on earth do you seem to want to stay in it? Just divorce this loser and that will resolve the question of whether you are married or not once and for all leaving no room for doubt. Why on earth were you staying with this person who divorced you 5/6 times, don't you have any shame?

    Zina/adultery is the act of sexual intercourse with a person other than your husband/wife. So, technically you have not committed zina but what you have done is still sinful. Ask Allah for forgiveness and stop beating yourself up over it. You are repentant and inshallah Allah will forgive you for it - nothing to be suicidal about.

    Forget this loser, find yourself a man that you are COMPATIBLE with and marry him. Inshallah, it will be bliss the second time around. Don't waste another minute thinking about this loser.

  5. If he divorced you 5/6 times, then you are divorced. I think everyone who is considering marriage should take a class in Islamic Law first. Marriage/ divorce is nothing to play with and many people don't know what they are doing. Pray that Allah forgives you for kissing the other man.
    Close the door before you open another..... (Get a divorce before you start another relationship.)

  6. May Allah (swt) reward you and may he grant you a pious spouse who will take care of you and love you for the sake of Allah a.w.j the best love of all. Ameen.

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