Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My MIL imposes authority over me and my husband and he doesn’t find it bad


I'm Muslim. I live with my husband, an MIL and an unmarried brother in law. I go to see my parents once a week for 2 to 3 hours hardly. I know after marriage a girl is bound by her husband and that although she has duties towards her parents, she can't do it without her husband's permission.

My brother in law usually remains outside house due to studies or whatsoever activities he has I don't know because I've never asked. Whenever me and my hubby has any plans to go out she (my MIL) places some conditions to return before 12th hour in night, or come early as possible. However we go for just once a week. If it gets a bit late 15minutes or more she gets angry. I find it really disheartening that when I'm living with her against my likeness, living a life style what she's set in house against my likeness, tolerating her everyday, I have been a helping hand for her, she's the authority in house for everything which is against my likeness and my right. I already have given up a lot of rights as a housewife and haven't mentioned it here because of her being the authority, why can't she let me go and spend some time at my parents house comfortably. Why she has to put obligation on that too. I've talked to my hubby about it but he finds it fine as he thinks that she's his mother and she cares about him that's why she do so. Okay, fine. But he's grown up now. He's married because he can take care of himself and his family, he's the authority over his family not his mother. We can't leave her even because my FIL is dead and my hubby is the oldest son.


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4 Responses »

  1. You ask:
    "why can't she let me go and spend some time at my parents house comfortably. Why she has to put obligation on that too"

    Well, you have answered your own questions when you wrote this:
    "I already have given up a lot of rights as a housewife"

    When you have voluntarily given up your rights as a human being and woman, you cannot expect to live a free life. If you wanted to be free from your MIL and her demands, you should have held on to your rights - instead of giving up on them - and demanded of your husband, before you married him, to provide you with your own home. Sorry to say this, but as long as you live under the roof of someone else's house, you have no choice but to accept the conditions in that household. Because it's not your house to rule over. The other alternative is to find the exit door and leave, if you're not happy.

  2. While your husband may feel that he can not disobey his mother, you can. You are entitled to your own living quarters. Under the circumstances, you are also entitled to return to your family home until your husband decides he will do what men are suppose to do and care for you properly. Your MIL has no right to subject you or your husband to her household rules, her curfew or anything, especially if your husband is supporting her. In Islam parents do have an authority over their children, even when they become adults. However, that authority does not entitle the mother or father to abuse their children. It seems your husband is a weak man, who has no problem being bullied by his mother. If you don't leave that household now, it will only get worse.

  3. You have agreed to live with your mother in law not knowing how bad and controlling she would be. I will not say that you chose this lifestyle but you can change it! Your husband is not a man and I don't think he will change. Please don't be a servent to anyone. You are losing yourself and can't do anything you want. Your mother in law will never change and husband won't do, you will let this abuse happen to you for the rest of your life? It's not normal. Leave.

  4. Dear sister, I had been through a similar situation & have seen others closely going through the same phase. There are few options with somewhat expected outcomes in these kinds of situations.
    First option is that If you compromise completely & forget about your own life and desires then eventually you will get used to it after some time. Then Either your hubby will realise your suffering & will try to make things easy for you or Otherwise you will continue to live the way as your MIL wants. This approach requires a lot of effort because it kills you emotionally, physically & sometimes spiritually. You may suffer from chronic disease, depression or pain if you are constantly unhappy.
    Another option is to wait till your brother in law will be married & then you may get the chance to live separately if your hubby agrees to it. Or by living in the same house you can at least share the burden with his wife. But if your BIL decides to live separately then again you will be forced to live with your MIL. After seeing attitude of his mother there might be a strong chance that your BIL will take his wife to live on his own with freedom.
    Usually the eldest DIL has to give significant futile sacrifices while living in a joint family as she is wife of the eldest son.
    Next option is if your MIL is really old and in bad health then you might be able to run the house your way in near future as she will be losing her physical strength at a faster pace & would need you to take care of her in her old days. She might become softer for you eventually if she's good at heart & You can get extra reward from Allah swt for doing this act of kindness.
    Since you have given up your rights as mentioned by you, so you are left with no decision making of your own except for communicating with your husband in a politically correct way to raise your concerns in a logical & Islamic way while emphasising on your rights as a wife given by Allah swt & our Holy Prophet. For that you need to do your research so you can quote Quranic ayahs & Hadees to him because in our society men don't know anything about wives' Islamic rights as they have never been taught about it. Even women don't really know their own rights in detail, that is why they are being misused & are suffering.
    Women in our society usually give up their fundamental rights as wives which is one of the biggest mistakes of their life. When Allah swt has given you the right to become the Queen of your house then why do we agree on becoming a slave of our house? A true Muslim never leaves his/her right & would never do unjust to others.
    You can also ask your parents to talk to your hubby & /or MIL to give you some freedom of your own. That might be helpful if your in laws are considerate.
    You have not mentioned about kids and duration of your marriage. You have to understand psyche of your MIL as she might be insecured from you. You don't have any SIL who might have made your life more miserable by joining your MIL. So before walking out from this marriage you have to analyse all of these things to make sure if it's really worthwhile to stay in it or better to leave.
    Considering all this you can now choose what you want to do. Before leaving marriage, it's highly recommended to do istikhara yourself. Staying with divorce is not easy as it constantly hurts & reminds you of your past unless you are dead sure that you are on the right track & have no regrets for whatever you did.
    May Allah guide you with the best & bless all of us. Ameen.

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