relationship guilt and depression
In a Hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), a comparison is given of the believer and the unbeliever who commits a sin. For the believer, the sin towers over him like a tall building ready to collapse; whereas, for the unbeliever, the sin is like a fly that he slaps away but it keeps coming back. For the believer, the sin committed may not be a grave sin, but he ponders over the crime day and night, regretting it. For the unbeliever, it does not matter whether the sin committed was grave or not, because the sinner does not care of the consequences.
I used to be in a haram relationship with a boy, he promised me marriage and everything. I know it was wrong but I believed it and because of that I did sinful acts. I did not lose my virginity but other than that I have done everything else. I felt so guilty about everything and I started doing islamic research because of which I left him. I know Allah is the most forgiving and I keep repenting. But I can't live with this, it's driving me crazy. I cant stand the fact that a guy has touched me and I won't marry him and now I don't even want to marry him because he has been acting so rude, and he has changed so much. But the thought of that a guy has touched me in this way who I won't be able to marry and then there will be another man afterwards is driving me crazy. I don't know what to do, I can't live with my self like that. I want a nice, respecting, loving husband whom I will respect and love too. But I just can't handle the fact that there was another guy that has gone so far with me. Please help me and make dua for me I think I'm gonna lose it.
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Salaams,
It's clear how torn up you are about what you have done. You have repented to Allah, not just once but many times...yet no matter how much you repent and detest what's happened you still can't get the guilt of it out of your soul. When we turn to Allah from our sin with sincere remorse, He forgives us. What does that mean, though? What IS forgiveness? What is Allah doing when He forgives us? To understand Allah's forgiveness better, we need to understand His attributes that speak of mercy and compassion:
Al-Ghafoor: The most Forgiving. This name occurs in the Qur’an more than seventy times. There are other names from the same root, such as Ghafir and Ghaffar. The meaning of the “ghafara” is to cover, to hide and from it comes the meaning “to excuse”, “to pardon”, “to remit” and “to forgive”. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala does all these things. In the Qur’an, it is mentioned that Allah does not forgive the Shirk (without repentance) but He may forgive every other sin for whomsoever He wills. (al-Nisa’ 4:116) We must turn to Allah to seek His forgiveness.
Al-’Afuw: This has another aspect of forgiveness. This name occurs in the Qur’an five times. Literally the word ‘Afw means “to release” “to heal”, “to restore”, “to remit”. Thus in relation to Allah it means “to release us from the burden of punishment due to our sins and mistakes”, “to restore our honor after we have dishonored ourselves by committing sins and making mistakes.” Sometimes in the Qur’an both names: ‘Afuw and Ghafoor come together.
Al-Tawwab: The Acceptor of repentance. This name of Allah is mentioned in the Qur’an about 11 times. Allah accepts the repentance of those who sincerely repent and turn to him. The word “tawwab” gives the sense of “oft-returning” which means that Allah again and again accepts the repentance. We make sins and mistakes then we repent, He accepts our repentance. Then again we commit sins and make mistakes and when we repent, He again very kindly accept us and gives us another chance.
Al-Haleem: The Clement. This name is mentioned fifteen times in the Qur’an. This means that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is not quick to judgment. He gives time. He forebears and is patient to see His servant to return to Him.
Al-Rahman and al-Rahim: The most Merciful and Compassionate. These names are the most frequent in the Qur’an. Al-Rahman is mentioned 57 times and al-Raheem is mentioned 115 times. Al-Rahman indicates that Allah’s mercy is abundant and plenty and al-Raheem indicates that this is always the case with Allah. He is full of love and mercy and He is ever Merciful. (taken from http://www.islamawareness.net/Salvation/forgiveness.html)
Considering this, look at what Allah has done for your sins when you repented: he covered up your misdeeds and hid them from His sight. He excused you from your wrongdoing. He is trying to help you heal and restore yourself to what you were before those sins were committed. Another hadith for you to reflect on:
On the authority of Anas, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say:
Allah the Almighty has said: “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its.”
Allah is doing all the work to make you right with Him again, just because you repented. His forgiveness outweighs the sin you committed. It's time for you to take your focus off of the past and onto the present, which is where Allah's mercy lies. You cannot find peace in leaving your sin, unless you also leave the memory of it which torments you behind as well.
When you find yourself healing in Allah's love and forgiveness, you can accept yourself as you are now- as the Muslimah He is helping you to be. That sister is the one who will find a husband who will make you feel cherished and valued, and that treasure is going to eclipse the fears you have.
Here's a great website by our chief editor that will help you start to experience the value Allah has created you for: islamicsunrays.com. I suggest you take some time to read his articles and meditate on the truths in them.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams Sister Amy,
JazakAllah Khair.....this was very useful information!
May Allah have mercy upon you.
Sid.
salamualaikum
Feeling guilty is good, but it should not reach depression because that opens the doors to other fitan. It is the practice of Shaitaan to disturb the believers. He first instructs them to sin and then lets them into trouble.
A hadeeth has it that all the children of Aadam are sinful and the best of the sinful are those who repent.
Repent to Allah and hope for His Mercy. Keep what you have done, to yourself, do not disclose it to anyone. If Allah can forgive a Muskrik when he or she does tawbah and he or she can lead a normal life by forgetting what they used to do, then why can't you? Shirk is the greatest sin as you know.
If you know urdu, you can visit the website ashabulhadith.com and listen to 'Sharh Asmaul Husna'
insha Allah, it will help you in strengthening your Eemaan and increasing your trust and hope in Allah.
May Allah Have Mercy on you, me and all the Muslims
Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem Saifullah
Asalaam alaikum,
Actually you should be very grateful for these deep feelings of remorse and take advantage of this excellant opportunity? What do I mean?
For the person who takes her sin lightly, they have no such feelings of shame and are arrogant in their stature on this Earth. For them, the Day of Judgement is a worrying day indeed, though they have no sense to acknowledge that fact. Their scale of bad deeds will weigh heavily for them and the shame of not being embarrassed of them while on Earth. Standing in front of Allah (swt) with no regret or sadness of their previous life will send them to a place upon which no description except in the Qur'an could make one shudder: a place were pus will be forced into their mouths as their drink:
However, this feeling of pain in your heart that has wrenched your soul is actually your punishment here on Earth. For fear of Allah (swt) has made you see the error of your ways and for this, you are signified as a believer: a Muslim who fears the torment of what you have done and is sorrowful for it. Alhamdulillah, this is a great moment in your life to kneel in front of Allah (swt) constantly when these feelings manifest themselves in you. It's as if your pain is a personal invitation from Allah (swt) to visit His Door of Mercy and to knock constantly for His Forgiveness.
Take this time to perform wudu and ghusal properly whenever you feel shame for your body and actions. As you are washing yourself, talk to Allah (swt) in your mind as to why you are purifying yourself: so that He may wash your sins away and that you are answering His call to you. Make your pure washing a place where you begin to humble yourself wholeheartedly. And know that Allah (swt) answers when you ask of Him.
In this verse we clearly see that your worries of your past sins are chronicled, as Allah (swt) knows every intricacy of mankind's heart. Let us look at this verse in reverse with the second part, first. Allah (swt) says, "So let them hear My call..." Ponder that your upset emotions that are weighing upon you is indeed Allah (swt) calling to your heart to be sorry and ashamed. And blessed you are my dear Sister, that you have enough conscious of your Lord to "heed this call" from your misery. Allah (swt) has called to you from the deepest part of you, since He is closer to you and your true essence than even yourself.
The next part is, "and let them trust in Me." This is the significant part, as it uncovers your constant "knocking" at His Door. Take your pain to Him and know that by constantly calling on Him for forgiveness and Mercy concerning your misery, He is bringing you to Him through this remorse you feel. So you must trust that this plight has caused you to go to Him in all humbleness like a beggar. This is where it's so important that when you are feeling this way, you take some private time to be alone and kneel before Him. Bow your head down and say, "I have failed you in so many ways, but You have brought me here again to worship You and so I ask everything from You: Forgiveness, Mercy and Your Pity. My Lord, if You don't forgive me, Who will? I have no one but You! Help me! Help me! Help me!"
Bow down to Him and as the verse says, "I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he crieth unto Me."
My dear Sister, this is the most noble place to be: in front of Our Lord admitting our wrongdoings and knowing we have no way out, no rescue or salvation except through Him. With all sincerity cry to Him as the wounded woman you are. Ask Him to take your pain and regret as your worship to Him, so that He purifies you and every part of you, and brings You close to the Heavenly abode. In sajood, this is the pinnacle of man and woman's existence when everything ceases to matter except your relationship with Our Lord. This is where your spirit can ascend. Learn to fall in love with this part of your life when you have come humbly to Allah (swt).
Know that Allah (swt) will lead you and know that He never left You. He has been waiting for you to respond to Him and you are, but take each tear as a small treasure to Him. Whenever you feel heartbroken over the past, say quietly, "I ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness, My Lord. And I turn repentant unto to Him." Do this constantly when the memories come back to you of your sins. Over and over, keep the remembrance of Allah (swt) as your offering to Him.
One last piece of advice: a scholar once said, that whenever he cried, he collected his tears on a specific piece of cloth. When he was buried, this cloth was put alongside with him. Why? He had said before his passing, that those tears that were on it, were his offering to Allah (swt), if there were to be nothing else he could offer. That perhaps it could ease his suffering in the grave. I would suggest to you, that as a daily reminder, keep a piece of cloth with you to do the same when you worry and cry. Even write down a last testament to your family wishing to be buried with it, so that you may offer those dried tears when your time comes.
You have been invited to Allah (swt). What a loved creation of His you are!
And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am near. 2:186
I'm engaged and I my fiancé is far away from me. I haven't seen him in 2 years now and I live with my family. I feel lacked in love and I really need that love feeling from someone. That feeling that someone is there for you. I'm close to sinning. How can I keep myself away from doing so? Please help me. I'm majorly depresse because I want love. And I don't mean sex. I mean someone to hug and talk about things with. My fiancé is a little older and old minded and he's not someone I could be myself around. I feel like no matter what I won't be able to stop myself if I ever get in a situation where a guy is about to kiss me or if I get asked out to prom by my guy friend at school. I'm really depressed and feel lonely. 🙁
RandomLittleGirl, please log in and write your question as a separate post. My short answer to you is that you need female friends, good Muslim sisters you can talk to and be close to. As far as your fiance, if you feel that you can't communicate with him or be comfortable around him, then why are you engaged to him? Break it off and find someone you can marry and be happy with.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I feel the solution is to repent,regret and ask for Allah's forgiveness.
Leave the past in the past,take care of the present and live sensibly following Islam to the core in future. Just make sure not to repeat the mistakes ever again no matter what.Make this as a lesson learnt the hard way to guide others through our experience.Dedicate yourself to live life the Islamic way. Make your family,future husband,in laws and your world and keep doing good deeds along the way,giving sadqa and charitable deeds. And try performing hajj and umra.I have heard the dua made at the first glance of Kaaba,duas are accepted and also at so many places both at Makkah and Madina,pray at those places and ask for forgiveness. Pray tahajjud and ask for the same using Asma ul Husna,yaseen. Do everything possible to ask for forgiveness. Insha Allah,Allah is the forgiver and he will forgive us. It takes time but you will be fine and make a wonderful wife,,Insha Allah,don't worry.
Amy's reply is really nice.read it again and again.
My Advice:
It is wonderful that you have repented to Allah, then first, be humble and find a good husband to finish your deen. Please don't use your way knowing guys, but talk to Imam or to some body you trust 100% to help you find a good man for you. Also, be quit and don't mention your sin to people or what you have done because Allah does not like disclosing. be quit and ask Allah ta3ala to make you mina almotakaine Amine..
if you need more help please left me a word.
Asalam 3alaikom
Homam