Shy and Afraid
Assalam Aleikkum,
I apologize in advance for the length of this question, and thank you for reading it through. Advice is sought because those who seek advice among believers will be confident (paraphrasing).
I am 24 years old and just about to graduate. And I would like to get married soon after because it is Sunnah to get married young and it completes half your Deen. However, what's missing from this equation is the right candidate. There have been a few guys who have wanted to go out with me and I even tried it once, but it ended fast because it didn't feel right. I was guilty the whole time and felt that it was just doomed because it was a Haram relationship.
Last year, at school, I met a decent, pious Muslim brother who turned out to be my cousin. He is very smart, kind, generous and humble. I got to know him passively because he used to visit my parents and talk to them. Then he graduated and moved away so he no longer comes to visit, and I find myself missing him (Is that wrong?) and wishing that he would come sometimes.
Lately, I have been considering telling my mother about this because I think he would make a good husband. But I am afraid. This is because of a number of reasons:
1) There is a family rumor that he may like another of our cousins and wants to marry her when she graduates. This is what the girl says (we are kind of close) and she is generally a truthful person, but he has given no indication other than the usual kind concern for everyone. And she doesn't really like him, it's more of her mother- her mother even refused a marriage proposal from someone the girl wanted because of this nice guy.
2) That he may refuse and it will be very embarrassing for me. This is because I don't think he noticed me in that way or maybe he does not think I am right for him.
3) That my mother will think it's not a good idea and that will embarrass me, too.
Hence, I have no idea what to do. On one hand, I feel as though I should just leave it alone because what is written for you will never miss you. On the other hand, I feel like if I don't do something, I will not get what I want because one has to pray as well as act.
What should I do?
-Uncertain90
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Salaams,
It is true that whatever is meant for a person happens. However, this doesn't mean that someone who is unemployed can sit at home, doing nothing, and expect some large corporation representative will come knock on their door and offer them a job. Allah expects us to sow for what we want and need in life, and trust Him for whatever is reaped.
I can understand your apprehension about telling your mother. But the truth is, she could have that reaction about ANYONE you tell her you're interested in. Or, she may surprise you and say that she thinks he's a better choice for you than a complete stranger.
Rejection is also something we all have to get used to. It's part of life. It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you will never marry. It just means that the person is looking for something different. If one of your other cousins or friends came to you with a proposal, and you said no, does it mean they're awful people? Of course not. In fact, you indicated that you have already turned down a few, so I am sure you can understand what I'm saying.
If you feel this cousin is the right match, take the chance. A little courage and risk taking can lead to the most satisfying results. If you don't try, then you will never know, and may end up regretting it for some time to come. Go ahead and talk to your mom, and if she's supportive maybe she can find out if the rumor is true or how solid it is. If she sees any flexibility, then she can act on your behalf to see if he might be interested in you.
If you do tell her and she is not supportive, then you can reasonably assume that maybe he's not the right one or this isn't the right time, and let it go for a while. If it's truly meant 'not to miss' you, then another opportunity will likely present itself after some time in shaa Allah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
1- There is a good english word " you cant blame someone for trying (to offer relationship)"
There is nothing to shy or feel bad for someone (girl or boy) to feel something against someone.
if any other mankind (like your mother and so on) make you think like that, that is because of ignorance (sorry but true)
So instead of being ignorance just ignore all of your hesitations. Be smart make good moves (like chess) hunt him :). Be honest with your feelings. Reflect your feelings to him. if he reacts. Goood... if he doesnt' react to your feelings dont be sorry, he is not the only man on earth. Find anotherone you like do the same until you success.
Take care.
As-salamu alaykum sister,
In general I am against first cousin marriage due to the increased risk of birth defects. However it is certainly allowed in Islam, and if you feel strongly about this man then you will have to go ahead and approach your mother.
Yes, there is a risk that you might be turned down, and that could be embarrassing or discouraging. But that's life. Get used to it now, because the realms of marriage, love and relationships in general are all about extending yourself emotionally. By opening yourself up to other people you risk rejection and loss.
On the other hand, you may also find love and happiness. Life is this two-sided coin. Those who are willing to try and fail are the ones who eventually succeed.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
OP: There have been a few guys who have wanted to go out with me and I even tried it once, but it ended fast because it didn't feel right. I was guilty the whole time and felt that it was just doomed because it was a Haram relationship. ......Last year, at school, I met a decent, pious Muslim brother who turned out to be my cousin........Lately, I have been considering telling my mother about this because I think he would make a good husband.
Don't wait, talk to your mom. Keep your mind open when you get other offers.
Among non-Western Muslims going out does not mean guy is looking to get married. It just leads to fooling around quickly.
Sister,
Just last month, one of my husbands nieces contacted me and asked me what the conditions would be for her to marry one of my sons who is graduating with his graduate degree. I'm not going to lie, it was a bit odd for me however, I admired her because she knows what she wants and went about it in a halal manner. My son is not anywhere ready for marriage and he is not looking at the present time and I let her know that in the kindest way. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to ask me but as they say, "nothing ventured nothing gained".
Talk to your mom and let her know what you think about this cousin. Maybe with her family connections, she can find out more about him and whether he is looking to marry. The best of luck to you!
Salam
Assalam alaikum Sister,
Putting aside this particular man for a moment, essentially what you are wondering is "Should I risk rejection for the possibility of marrying whom I want?" Personally, I think the answer is, Yes. If you see someone that is of good character, responsible and all the things that you want, you should definitely take the necessary halal steps to make it happen. Whatever reaction you get is irrelevant IF you realize and know that this is your right. Even if your mother reacts to it, you can either stay silent or simply make it known to her that you are allowed to Islamically approach your parents for a suitable partner--it is infinitely better than engaging in a haram relationship.
I was watching a video from Br. Nouman Ali Khan on how to approach parents regarding marriage and it was rather interesting. One thing he said is talk to your parents about marriage again and again so that they get over their hesitations and it no longer is such a taboo topic. I suggest you watch a few of his videos on marriage and hopefully some of his advice will work for you.
May Allah grant you what is best for you. Ameen.