Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I suspect that she had relations with men before; should I marry her?

"An astrologer told me the relationship would fail within a year."

"An astrologer told me the relationship would fail within a year."

Question:

Asalam alaykum, I am 30 years old and am living in UK from last 6 years. I am from India. I have known a Moroccan girl through the internet since about 18 months ago. I really liked her since I met and soon I expressed my feelings. I found that she also really likes me too and I proposed her for marriage. She is from a conservative family. I am also from a conservative Muslim family. Before going to inform my family about my choice, I wanted to explore her to find out about her nature and culture.

We understand each other and have strong attraction towards each other. We have common ideas about religion. She agrees that she can live in India if I ever plan to go back, she don't want to do job after marriage etc. She never asked me to send money or any thing like that but I gave her very expensive gifts when ever I met her in Morocco. But I still feels and sure that we have different likes, dislikes, nature and approach towards different things. I like to stay home and more family oriented person. She is outgoing and social. I always think of this as a culture difference and never see this as a hurdle in relationship though it will be.

It is my time now to take the decision of marriage with her. But I have few painful questions in my mind that are stopping me to go ahead with this marriage.

1. When I met her in Morocco after 10 months of our first meeting on internet, She tried to get sexual satisfaction from me. That was shocking for me. On my refusal, she got angry and I hardly managed to clam down the situation. This incidence damaged her image overall in my mind. I got too much angry and tried to tell her that as Muslim we cannot do this but she never get satisfied from my arguments and I could not change her mind till today. She always told that No man has ever touched her. But her boldness where she took initiative with me to sexually stimulate me forced me to think that she do not have Hiya or shyness which a Virgin women should have.

2. She told me once that her closest friends have been attached to many boys in the past. Also she went along with her friend to other city because her friend had her boyfriend invited from some EU country.

3. I noticed she uses more than one MSN and skype Id but she added me on all of them. I don't know why some one would do this. To give time to different people?

4. Finally, I went to astrologist in London. He told me that this relation is going to fail within a year of marriage as our nature do not match. I contacted a Scholar to do Istekhara for me. He asked for her Mother name and her name. And he told me that She is not clean and have relations with more than 1 man in present. I don't know if he meant physical or just contacts. I asked about her from another scholar and he told me exactly same thing about her. I did Istekhara myself but could not see any thing.

No one is perfect in this world. My family knows about her and left decision on me. My problem is that my mind is unable to accept that she can deceive me or might have relation with other man. I am in state of shock and confusion. Cannot let her go from my mind and can't think of marry. I see same emotional attitude from her whenever I meet her or speak with her.

I have told her that I need some time alone to take my decision. May be I am wrong in many aspects and failing to realize the situation.

If anyone can offer me some good advice I will be so grateful. It will save me from taking wrong decision.

Thank You

- Mo

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

It sounds as though you were very careful to check this lady out, and alhamdulillah, because of your caution you have saved yourself from a disastrous situation. I always say that it is very difficult to meet an appropriate partner online. People can and will lie about themselves in order to attract someone. It is only when you see them in real life that you can develop some understanding of what they are really like.

My sincere advice to you would be to cut off all contact with this girl and no longer consider her for marriage. Change your e-mail address and / or block all of hers. You are looking for a life mate, a strong, pious Muslim woman who will help you to complete half your deen. From what you have said, she has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she lacks religious commitment and modesty. She put on a show for you when it was only online, but her true personality came out when you saw her in person. Most likely she thought that since you actually came to see her, she had a great chance to grab you in her claws and make you weak. Alhamdulillah, you sound stronger than that an inshAllah you will have the strength to simply walk away.

Now, having taken care of THAT issue, I have to sincerely advise you that what you did in going to an astrologer was a big mistake and is not permitted in Islam. Prophet Muhammad said in an authentic hadith:

"Whoever goes to a soothsayer and asks him about something and believes him, his prayer will not be accepted for forty days." (Narrated by Muslim in his Saheeh).

This means that you still have to pray five times a day, but your prayer will not be accepted at that time. Know that even if one of these astrologers tells you something that turns out to be true, he is only getting lucky and making a guess, or he is getting some information from one of the jinn, which is totally forbidden in Islam:

It was reported that aAa'ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: "Some people asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) about soothsayers. He said, aThey are nothing.' They said, aO Messenger of Allaah, sometimes they say something and it comes true.' The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: aThat is a word of truth that the jinn snatches and whispers into the ear of his familiar, but they mix a hundred lies with it.'" (Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim).

Because you were ignorant of this information, it is my hope that Allah will still accept your prayer. You must immediately repent from having gone to the astrologer, and resolve never to do so again, and to advise any family members who have this habit that going to such people constitutes shirk, associating something with Allah. May Allah protect you from this. Ameen.

Brother, there are many other good Muslim women in the world, and I'm sure if you work on yourself, do as many good deeds as you can and abstain from as much wrong as you can, that Allah will bless you with a pious wife, inshAllah. If you continue to look for a wife online, remember that women you meet in chat rooms are not mahram to you, not permissible for you to develop a relationship with, so you should not chat with them freely or carry on so that you develop an attraction to them. If you meet a young lady you like in a lecture room or chat room or on a Muslim matrimonial site, the best thing to do is find out some very basic information, then to ask to talk to her wali, her guardian. This will protect her and protect you, because if a woman is playing around and flirting, she won't have a wali for you to talk to. If she is serious, she will be impressed with your modesty and sense of honor and you will have a better chance of finding a good, modest Muslimah in this way. And Allah knows best.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

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4 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    It sounds as though you were very careful to check this lady out, and alhamdulillah, because of your caution you have saved yourself from a disastrous situation. I always say that it is very difficult to meet an appropriate partner online. People can and will lie about themselves in order to attract someone. It is only when you see them in real life that you can develop some understanding of what they are really like.

    My sincere advice to you would be to cut off all contact with this girl and no longer consider her for marriage. Change your e-mail address and / or block all of hers. You are looking for a life mate, a strong, pious Muslim woman who will help you to complete half your deen. From what you have said, she has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she lacks religious commitment and modesty. She put on a show for you when it was only online, but her true personality came out when you saw her in person. Most likely she thought that since you actually came to see her, she had a great chance to grab you in her claws and make you weak. Alhamdulillah, you sound stronger than that an inshAllah you will have the strength to simply walk away.

    Now, having taken care of THAT issue, I have to sincerely advise you that what you did in going to an astrologer was a big mistake and is not permitted in Islam. Prophet Muhammad said in an authentic hadith:

    “Whoever goes to a soothsayer and asks him about something and believes him, his prayer will not be accepted for forty days.” (Narrated by Muslim in his Saheeh).

    This means that you still have to pray five times a day, but your prayer will not be accepted at that time. Know that even if one of these astrologers tells you something that turns out to be true, he is only getting lucky and making a guess, or he is getting some information from one of the jinn, which is totally forbidden in Islam:

    It was reported that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “Some people asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) about soothsayers. He said, ‘They are nothing.’ They said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, sometimes they say something and it comes true.’ The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘That is a word of truth that the jinn snatches and whispers into the ear of his familiar, but they mix a hundred lies with it.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim).

    Because you were ignorant of this information, it is my hope that Allah will still accept your prayer. You must immediately repent from having gone to the astrologer, and resolve never to do so again, and to advise any family members who have this habit that going to such people constitutes shirk, associating something with Allah. May Allah protect you from this. Ameen.

    Brother, there are many other good Muslim women in the world, and I'm sure if you work on yourself, do as many good deeds as you can and abstain from as much wrong as you can, that Allah will bless you with a pious wife, inshAllah. If you continue to look for a wife online, remember that women you meet in chat rooms are not mahram to you, not permissible for you to develop a relationship with, so you should not chat with them freely or carry on so that you develop an attraction to them. If you meet a young lady you like in a lecture room or chat room or on a Muslim matrimonial site, the best thing to do is find out some very basic information, then to ask to talk to her wali, her guardian. This will protect her and protect you, because if a woman is playing around and flirting, she won't have a wali for you to talk to. If she is serious, she will be impressed with your modesty and sense of honor and you will have a better chance of finding a good, modest Muslimah in this way. And Allah knows best.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • Hi Sister Noorah,

      I am visitng zawaj.com after almost 10 months and thankful to you for your sincere advise about this women, astrologer and chat rooms. I want to share my feelings and changes that occured in my life with the readers of Zawaj.com and you related to this relation.

      Regarding this girl from, Morocco, I can tell you that I am not in relation with this Moroccan girl anymore, Alhamdulilah. After advise from Scholar/Astrolger, I was very confused with no peace left in life. I talked about her with my family but did not told them with what I am going through. After finding out information about her background, lifestyle and how I met her, they were very concerned about this relation and left decision on me and advise me that think 1000 times before taking decision in her favor. At this moment, my heart was very much in favour of her but I had lot of un-answered question in my mind. I decided to share my feelings with her and let her know what my family feels about her. I told her that my family is concerned about her past, up-bringing, culture and life style and it is very difficult for me to marry her without support of my family and the character she has shown during our meetings in Morocco.

      I remember she cried for almost 3 hours after listening all this. She denied all these charges and told me to visit her and ask her neigbours in Morocco about her character and reputation of her family. One of her close friend, with whome she used to travel to other cities in Morocco also tried to convince me that she really loves me and she has been waiting for me all this time and she never had any relation with any man and she is very religious and modest girl and she is just like her sister. But she could not convince me. My sister advised me to keep seeking advise from Allah untill He show me the way or truth about her. I remember, I cried in middle of nights, spend many sleepless nights, felt myself alone among gathering of many. And finally, Allah helped me. One day, I received an email from her. That was in arabic. I could not understand the meaning of contents and the reason of sending that email to me. We were not communicating with each other since I refused to make relation with her. I thought may be this is kind of some islamic email in arabic and she has included me in that even though I do not understaned arabic. But when I carefully looked at the contents of the email, I noticed my name was there in arabic. I translated that email in arabic and thanked Allah that He protected me from this corrupt women and all fears of my family, friend and prediction of scholar were proven correct.

      In that email, this girl was sharing her idea with her close friend that she will convince me to visit her in Morocco and she will make me crazy by her style, talks, seductive techniques and will take me to tourist city in Ifrane near Fes, Morocco where she would intentionally spend time with me showing around that place till dark in evening and then will make an excuse of transport and convince me to stay in hotel room there. She will seduce me there again that will help her to convince me marry her and once I will provide her all necessary documents to help her in getting VISA to enter into UK, she will throw me off and will dis-appear.

      I could not belive on what I was reading and thought she has send this email to me by mistake or may be she tried to tease me by sending this email because she could not complete her plan and failed to convince me even after all of the hard work of almost two hears. Whatever was the reason, It was the help of Allah. All that happend in month of April and since then we never communicated. Slowly my life started to bring in order and I am getting better with each passing day. But it is now part of my past and I donot think I will ever be able to forget this incident and belive she will also never forget this. Al-hamdullilah, He protected me from her dirty plans and I pray she never get peace in her life and never succeed in destroying life of anyother brother.

      Regarding your advise about astrologer, I must accept that you are absolutely right and the quotes from Hadith you have provided were unknown to me. InshAllah I will never return to astrologer again. But regarding Istekhara, I am sure there is no problem in doing that. When the scholar performed Istekhara for me before posting this topic on Zawaj.com, he told me that this women had her engagement broken and she is making me fool for worldy pleasures and this women is not virgin. And after reading email of this girl, I am fully convinced that she was a corrupt girl, wrapped in scarf to disguise people.

      Regarding Chat room, I did lot of research and concluded that chat rooms are really the cheating room, not chat room. I have no experience of sitting in chat rooms and hunting girls for the purpose of dating of marrige. This girl from Morocco approached me on Skype, not me. I had no idea that these girls, scarf on their head, speaking about islam all the time can use these chat rooms to do these criminal offense and play with the life of others just to getinto the europe.

      Alhamdullilah, I am living a peaceful life, progressing in my careers and giving time to my family. I have learned my lesson and would like to advise the readers of Zawaj.com that if you are in love with someone on internet and he/she has approached you, then always ask youself that why would this girl/man would marry you and try to find out the intentions. And if you living in EU and America/Canda and the person living outside these regions approached you over internet, then you should without any further investigations understand that you are being tagged to use as a transport, a carrier to help him/her get into your country.

      Please don't waste your life !!!!

  2. As Salaam-u-Aleiukum, Brother! There’s an old adage that still holds true today: “An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure”! I think you did a great job researching your online acquaintance and I daresay you know the answer to your question already. Rarely do chat-room “relationships” blossom into successful, conservative marriages (i.e., if that is what you’re seeking); when (IF) they do, there’s a lot of “compromising”, biting the bullet, swallowing one’s pride, etc., etc. This is provided you have the patience and tolerance to risk your future with someone whose lifestyle you’ve discovered to be liberal, promiscuous, secretive, and deceptive. Chat-rooms are nothing more than a “virtual” bar- room facilitating flirting from within the privacy of your home! The competition is not any less intense than if it were a bar-room. But here, the “moves” are put on remotely thru’ the www, not face-to-face and direct so you rarely discover the conniving extrovert in the other person whose attention is being carefully rationed amongst others. Of course, it works both ways! But you seem to have been blessed with first-hand discovery that’s more authentic than a month of Istrequaras and a dump-truck of wand waving astrologers! You are certainly correct: “no one is perfect”, and I suppose many have “tested the waters” before venturing into matrimony - Who’s to know! Some with more success than others depending on their sincerity and determination. It appears to me like your refusal presents a challenge to her. Drive her bananas by being platonic; even mail her an invitation card to your wedding (to someone with morals and integrity). DO NOT seek retribution for your expensive gifts and trips to Morocco by writing her phone number on toilet walls! This is a big, “No. No.” (She might be grateful you did!). 😉

  3. barrak allaho in you brother around the world sallam

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