Troublesome mother in law
Toxic in-laws.
Assalamalaikum,
I am a muslim girl married for four years now. Just after a few days of my marriage my mother in law started to show her dislike for me, claiming she never wanted me as a daughter in law when it was my husband family who approached us first. Soon, she started to verbally abuse me even when I was pregnant with my first child which was soon after my marriage. Every day was a warzone in our house. She even objected if my husband smiled towards me or even if we spent some personal time togather as husband and wife.
It took serious toll on my health as she also objected if I ate much during pregnancy which is normal, but she reasoned it could lead to unnecessary complications.
Now four years laters, verbal abuses are accompanied with curses of may you die, burn in hell fire and much more.
My husband loves me dearly and knows I have gone through this trouble just for him, as she is his mother. My mother law is also on dialysis for the last 7 yrs but still has no fear of Allah swt. My husband is her only son.
I am currently staying with my mother at her place. My husband wants me to come back home, but I can't tolerate my mother in law's rash and unreasonable behaviour anymore. I have requested my husband to arrange another place for me to stay, but he is adamant about me coming to his home and staying with his mother.
In all this I am staying away from my husband whom I love dearly and am unable to fulfill my duties as a wife. It pains me to stay away from him. I want to know am I right in asking for another place to stay as my mother in law dislikes me a lot. I cannot stay there anymore as what environment will it be for my son to grow up...?
Please advice me, I would be thankful.
Assalamalaikum.
fatima
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Have you talked to your mother about why she treats you this way? Nevertheless, this is still an unacceptable way to treat one's son's wife. Have you discussed this with your husband and what does he think about it, and more importantly when will he stand up for your rights and demand his mother stop the abuse?
If she refuses to change then there is always the option of getting your own place for just you and your husband and if mother in law comes to abuse you, then you can tell her to leave. You have put up with it for 4 years? this matter should have been sorted out within the first year of marriage. But now is the time to give your husband an ultimatum. Will he be a man married to you (a woman), or a boy to his mummy?
start with an honest and open discussion with your husband first before making rash decisions, however you should not have to live with this kind of abuse any longer.
Fatima salam This is your test.Be calm and understand this shaitan doesnt like your qaulity because you have taken all that abuse and thats all she has but inshallah Allah will give you more in the hereafter for being sabr and maybe ge might change her heart but it is upto you Do you pray 5 times a day and read quran.This is important this will give you peace and strength....Just look in the story of Firouns wife who was a believer and what she put up with a tyrant oppressor etc....Also look i the lifestyle of Muhammad he is an example for humanity.....One story is that lady used to throw garbage from her window at him everytime he passed by.......but that oneday she didnt and so the prophet went and visit her and said that i didnt see you so i was wandering if you were ok!Wow look at this .What do you think went through her mind .As a result she excepted Islam....so sister be sabr and love all hate non because this life is short and temporary!
@damco300765 what kind of horrible, unislamic advice are you giving to this sister??? Are you being serious??? Where does Allah says a women should take abuse from anyone??? Having sabr doesn't mean stay silent and take abuse! It doesn't mean let the oppressor oppress you and you will get rewarded for it!!! Astaghfurillah this is against the islamic teachings. Having sabr means actually being active, do something to change your situation but at the same time have faith in Allah!!! Are you an oppressor yourself or are you a mother in law who is abusing her daughter in law?? How comes you giving such a horrible advice. It's shocking!!!
As muslims we should never take oppression nor should we oppress anyone.
Sister I'm really sorry you going through this. I don't understand why you put up with this for 4 years?! You should have said something from the beginning. No one deserves to be treated like this. You say your husband loves you but his actions show the oposite. Any man who loves a women wouldn't let anyone including his mother to treat you this way!!! Impossible. He needed to stand for you and set boundaries from the beginning, but he failed to do so!! As a Muslim women you have rights. You don't have any obligation towards his mother other than you would have with other human beings...such as being kind ect if another human being abused you like that, you would do something about it right? Than why dont you do anything about her? You also don't have to live with your mother in law. Islamically it's your right to live separate!!! Your husband needs to provide you with a home. You need to stand for yourself sister and your husband needs to support you, he married you and he is sinning by letting his mother to treat you like this. He needs to talk to her and set boundaries, it's his job. He needs to find a balance to give you both your rights without disrespecting any of you but he failed to do so. And to be honest it looks like he doesn't care for you or your son at all. It's been 4 years and he let his mother abuse you. This is absolutely disgusting.
You have a son and are responsible for his upbringing. What will he learn in this toxic environment with your mother in law abusing you, your husband who doesn't care and let his mother abuse you and you who just stay and suffer?!
Sister life is to short. Don't let anyone abuse you. You are not here to please people or your husband. You are here to please Allah only. Allah doesn't want His servants to suffer!! Make the first step, change your situation and Allah will do the rest.
I personally wouldn't/ couldn't have stayed for 4 years in this kind of marriage. I wouldn't insh'Allah let anyone disrespect me or abuse me and if my husband was watching me being abused by his mother, insh'Allah I would end the marriage immediately. I couldn't insh'Allah love or respect a man who doesn't respect our marriage. It's absolutely disgusting. Even more when you have a child! You don't want him to be messed up....
You need to stand for yourself sister. Know your rights. Talk to your husband and let him decide if he wants to be married to you or his mum. Let him know that he is sinning by not giving you, your rights. Watching his mother abusing you is the same as if he is abusing you. Don't take abuse from anyone.you don't have to live like this, no one deserves to be treated like this.
Asalam o alaikum sister,
I am agreed with the MuslimGirl that
You need to stand for yourself sister. Know your rights. Talk to your husband and let him decide if he wants to be married to you or his mum. Let him know that he is sinning by not giving you, your rights. Watching his mother abusing you is the same as if he is abusing you. Don't take abuse from anyone.you don't have to live like this, no one deserves to be treated like this.
Look you have taken all the abuse out of respect or what ever but you are not wrong in your situation. I know you love your husband and wants to be with him. But your job is done here. Now your husband have to decide and give you another place. Talk to your husband and any elder who can talk to your mother in law. Discuss this with your husband that this situation is getting on your nerves now.
Don't take any abuse anymore. INSHHAA ALLAH, ALLAH will help you. Ask ALLAH for His help, He will open a path for you that will be best for you. Just keep your faith and hope high. ALLAH is there for you, He'll help you in a best way.
ll pray for you sister. Remember us in prayers as well. Stay Blessed.
Some older people start to regress to a child like state and become brats. There are also stories of parents and opposite gender children that have more of a couple like relationship than a parent child relationship. If this is true in your case then your mother in law would see you as a threat to her couple like relationship. To her it would be like losing a husband when she's giving up her son to you. This would also bring about jealousy and make her hate that your husband smiles towards you. So it really isn't you she probably hates. She would probably dislike any girl that she would have had to give up her son for.
I would discuss this issue with your husband and ask that he try to find another place. Once you find another place it might be like having a second wife to him. His mom is going to demand his time and be upset when he doesn't see her. You need to decide how much of this you can handle. Make an agreement with your husband as to how much you can handle her and try to be patient. This is a test from Allah. In the Quran it asks us not to say uff to our parents in their old age. And your mother in law is like a bratty jealous child right now. You know you're not going to have to deal with her forever. Try your best, after every hardship there is ease according to the Quran.
w/salam wr wb. Seems like you are living in an Asian country. May be in Pakistan because these type of situations are very common here and women take it for years and years... You have gone through very hard times and i appreciate you that you have kept your marriage despite all the abuse.
Your demand of asking for another place to stay is very reasonable and this will be the best solution. The problem is that your husband is the only son of your mother in law and he would not let her mother live alone + a lot more reasons....
I would suggest you to keep your marriage and this time will pass as well.. Just for the sake of your child's future because your child will pass through a very hard time if you end your marriage. So think about your child as well.... Try to convince your husband through your family... Again i would suggest you to keep your marriage... May Allah help you.
sister,
in law is very powerful relationship. even after divorce there relationship prevail.
Remember 3 points to practice.
1. allah create love in someone heart as well as take away as well.
2. Duaa -supplication is a powerful tool. so start Thahajath prayer and ask duaa and see.
3. do good and kindness to her to please allah- who will open you a door from unexpected source.