Father has been sexually molesting me since childhood and now I may be pregnant
I am in a very complicated situation and I need advice from an Islamic point of view, but also taking the fact that I live in the UK into account. Please note that the following post contains reference to sex and incest.
My parents were seperated for about 7 years and my father rejoined the family when I was 11 years old. They originally separated because my mother accused him of beating her - which he denied. Suffice to say, he was deported and did not return until 2002.
As we all developed as a family, he began to come to my room and occasionally touch me in inappropriate places but as a child, I didn't quite realise it was wrong. We never had sex, and this continued until I turned 17. He made me swear that I wouldn't tell my mum, but I broke my promise when I was approximately 15 years of age. I told my mum and she confronted him, but he denied it and after realising that the situation could get a lot worse (I wasn't sure what exactly I was expecting) - I also denied that he had done anything, and my mum associated my claims of finding cum on my clothes in the mornings to reading too many fictional novels.
When I was 17, I sought counselling at my school because I seemed to have no willpower to say no to my father when he would come to my room in the middle of the night, when my brothers and mum were sleeping. In the mornings, I would awake and regret it and get angry with him but the cycle would continue. Anyway, I spoke to the counsellor who agreed to listen and not take matters further, but she could offer me no constructive advice.
Then last year, I went away to live at student halls for university and things improved. When I came home on the weekends, he rarely came to my room and it was fine. But this year, (I am 19 now), I was left alone with him when the rest of my family went on holiday and the situation went from bad to worse. I seemed to have absolutely no willpower to say no to what he wanted me to do - whether this is a psychological thing or not, I don't know. All I know is that we never actually had intercourse - but did almost everything else apart from that.
At one point, I did confront him in the morning, and he said he had no idea what I was talking about - that he couldn't recall anything from the night before. He admitted that he had been taking medication for the past few years to help him sleep. It was a drug called Nervin. I told him of everything that had happened and he seemed shocked and dismayed and I felt like it was all my fault that any of that had happened. I made him promise to give up the medication, but it was like an addiction, he stopped for a while but then started up again.
I know I'm not a child anymore. I've told myself this a million times and I've tried to stop myself from listening to him, but the complicated part of it all is that even though we have done acts which are beyond just 'wrong' - he is a good father. It makes it hard to hate him when he looks after me and my brothers or takes us all out to eat, and does everything that kids want their fathers to do.
The event that has triggered me to post this question on this forum though is the fact that a few weeks ago, he penetrated me for the first time, and I finally snapped out of the haze I was in. I seem to have developed some sort of infection meanwhile, which prompted me to go and see my GP. She informed me of the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases and also the fact that I may be pregnant. Although I doubt that I could have got an STI, I was under the impression that if the person does not ejaculate, a woman cannot get pregnant. This myth was eradicated and now I am anxiously waiting for my period to come. I am also being tested for STIs.
My question is quite vague: How do I deal with all of this? I don't know how to react. I cannot believe that I am in such a situation. I'll be tested for a possible pregancy in about 2 weeks if my period doesn't come before then. And if I do find out I am pregnant, should I be considering abortion? Should I inform my dad if that is the case? What would the islamic view on abortion be in this case? And what if I were to be informed that I have an STI, should I speak to my dad about it? Also, should I inform my mum of what has happened? She will most likely disown me and I don't think I can bear that happening, but this will also mean the end of their marriage and my 2 younger brothers will be without a father. I don't know whether my father realises what he has done over the past few years, but I worry that if he doesn't actually realise, that he might consider suicide if he were to find out.
Any advice that I could practically carry out would help very much.. Thank you in advance.
- Emm1991
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Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe my dear sister this story has made me cry soo much.
I do not know how too say this or what too say exactly, only thing I can say is that I understand the emotional pain you are going through...
What I don't understand from this story is whether you enjoyed doing these things or hated them from the beginning ?
I can understand you cannot say no to your dad, but still when something happens to many times every person has its limit, you would have surely rejected at a certain point ?!
My advice, I don't want too be all normal and give you the kinda of same advice every one else would give you, Like do Tauwbah and pray. (even though this is something you should do)
But whats more important is first of all asking yourself, Do I REALLY regret this ?!...
If so, then ask yourself why you aren't stopping these ''grave full acts''
I am certain that you can overcome this, but not by changing your dad, BUT BY CHANGING YOURSELF.
Yes, this might sound strange, but the problem lies within yourself, we always try to blame others, but we got to look first in the mirror.
This might sound harsh dear sister, But you are the one allowing it.... (even though 2 people are in the process).
You are not making any effort of stopping it... (forgive me, If this is not correct, maybe you tried and failed and stopped trying, take it from me, never stop trying to stop, easy!)
You are agreeing with your dad, physiologically every time.
What I really advice you is to go to a professional physiological doctor and try too talk with those, they have much experience and can rather guide you. (I unfortunately Do not live in the UK, So I cannot help you with this, I am sorry).
Lock your door, order a lock and put it on.
Never be Alone anymore with your dad.
Personally Don't take this the wrong way, but I think your dad is ''smuggeling'' making it seem like he doesnt remember anything or whatever, thus making you believe that you are the only one at fault. He is just Using you and Misusing, and sorry a father who abuses his own daughter for years is that a Good Father ?
You do not want your family to fall apart, I can Understand that, But please you got too end this cycle that keeps happening, my eyes are tearing too much. I cannot believe stuff like this even happens.
Dear sister, Turn to Allah, the ever mercifull-lord remember he is always there, I do not know if you are following every rule of Islam, but yeah try to wear a Hijab in house.
I am doing my best too help you much as possible, This is most of it, what comes up too me.
You need to fight against youself and stop this crazy happening seriously sister.
I know this is something that is very hard, But no dont tell your mum, dont tell your dad (unless you find out he really is lying and he does know everything he is just pretending not too, Confront him and tell him to f*** off and never come near you again or else you will tell everyone about it)...
What also concerns me that, you already spoke with your dad about this, it didnt seem in your story like he was that shocked....Normally If a daughter walks up to her father and says something like this, I think the father would get on the INSTANT a heart failure ^_^... *fishy*
Sister please stop stop stop stop stop stop this.... I dont know if you have great friends who support you, but Just know this that there is a brother living in The Netherlands, who IS ALREADY SHEDDING TEARS OR YOU and cares about you, alright ?! please stop, go more to the Mosque, try to busy your time, do not Leave open holes. try to get Married as soon as possible and leave the house.
This what is happening/happened is really really really bad sister, what if you were too die in this situation, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO ALLAH ?? WHAT....
I cannot Imagine, what shame would come too you, and that is a stat in which I do not want to see you in.
I want too see my brothers and sisters in Al-Jhannat InshAllah, but you have to earn it, so please stop this cycle FIGHT AGAINST THIS.
I hope you are not pregnant, and if the test is negative and you aren't, remember for the next time that you could get pregnant, do you want a baby who is your brother/son at the same time :S?
By the way, I am just assuming this, but if you were virgin. now you are not anymore... (if you feel really guilty and truly repent for this) there is a way, you can once again be a virgin in Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah his eyes! InshALLAH!!!
I truly feel for your situation, as I can understand it, its a hell I know, I've been there, but you have too stop this, Try to put your hand on a candle can you resist that heat ? ....well you dont want too know how hot it is in Al-Jhannam, please repent go too Allah.
I know you can be good and I know you can be happy
I just think your dad is fooling you and Misusing you, he is physologically abusing you, and getting his chances at you.
Please stop, I beg of you, stop.....do anything you can too stop this...
If you need anymore advice/help OR WHAT SO EVER. contact me/reply whatever/ We are not allowed to give e-mail adresses out here and for some reason I dont get follow up comment notification, so just go too my page (if possible) and comment, I will keep checking up on here, LET ME KNOW HOW THE SITUATION KEEPS GOING....
This has too stop and be solved.
Brothers and Sisters please make Dua for this sister and her tragic exprience since childhood.
ps: Just too add, Dont BLAME YOURSELF INTO GUILTFEEL TOO MUCH..... you were young and your dad put this in your mind, this is something that is a scar on your heart, something that is not easy too heal, soo dont blame yourself but blame him and make him stop.
you are wronged sister, YOU ARE NOT, i repeat NOT wrong.
even though you have reached a appropriate age now, these are scars that can most likely control you for the rest of the life, thats why its important too fight it now, before its too late. I know because I have personally been through this Shit, and its fff hurts, but its worth the trouble once your with Allah !!!! InshAllah....
I will be waiting for your reply.
I know you mean well, but what you said is very wrong. Emm1991 is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome (a term used to describe a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages(victims) express adulation and have positive feelings towards their captors(abuser) that appear irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, essentially mistaking a lack of abuse from their captors as an act of kindness. In other words, the wife who never leaves the abusive husband cause he will 'get better' is also suffering from this condition.), and any 'reasons' she or you comes up with to make this 'her' fault are untrue.
Emm1991, I am so sorry for all you have endured. If possible, you should leave the house. Tell your Mom you need to go help a friend for a week (or however long your winter break is), and this requires spending the night at her house. Now that you are away from your abuser, go back to your GP and show them this letter. I know you don't want to for shame or fear etc, but your GP can get you in contract with a psychologist who can help you much more than the one in High School did.
When you are ready, tell your Mom. Bring your psychologist or a close friend if it'd make you feel better. I know you are worried about breaking up her marriage thus harming your younger siblings, but what if he's doing the same to them? You say he takes you out to eat, but the emotional and physical harm he has done to you does not outweigh gifts. The reason why I recommended to bring a friend or doctor with you, is so that your Mom cannot deny what's happening as she has for many years.
In regard to the STD, it can be cured or treated in most cases. I would recommended telling your Mom about it before your Dad. IMHO you should only confront your dad once you feel Ready, and I doubt this 'ready'ness will come for many months thus your Mom can inform him of the infection.
In regard to the pregnancy, I personally would abort it for the sake of the child as well as my-self. Children born of Incest have genetic defenicies (haemophilia for example) as well as mental torment of knowing they were conceived in such a retched way. I also doubt you are able to support this child hence creating more difficulties for it in regard to food or shelter. I believe having this child will cause you much torment mentally because you will have to see the face of your abuser everyday, and sadly I think you would take it out on the child too causing more strife for the child and your self.
Islamicly there is much debate on wheater or not abortion is halal in severe cases such as on the one you're in. Regardless there is support for you "[for] Islam is also a religion of compassion, and if there are serious problems, God sometimes doesn't require his creatures to practice his law. So under some conditions--such as parents' poverty or overpopulation--then abortion is allowed(during the first trimester)" Grand Ayatollah Yusuf Saanei quoted in Los Angeles Times, December 29, 2000.)
What matters most though is how you feel about it. If you feel having an abortion would hurt you more than having this child, do not have the abortion. Adoption is always available, but if you are against adoption there are resources to enable you to raise this child in the UK.
DO NOT CONSIDER SUICIDE FOR YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT. To live on past this, to have a happy life, is a way to defeat your abuser.
PS-I'm not a Muslim, just a friend, so if anything I said on here is wrong Islamicly I do hope the editors correct me and understand I had no ill intentions.
Thank you for correcting me, I did not check if you said anything islamically incorrect, I am just happy that there are people like you for 1 making me a better person by improving my mistakes and 2 being there for others.
I thus hope that Anything I might have said, helped in any way.
Also people who kind of have been in the same situation, always explain differently from their own experiences.
Still thank you, this was my way of thinking and improving.
I'm shocked by the first two responses, especially the first one. It shows why I don' t want to be part of
any Muslim community. First of all, this is not a sin. Enter Jannah?????? This woman is the victim
of rape and sexual abuse; this is not a sin, this is a crime the man has to be punished for. It is dangerous
to be married to a person like this. He is a danger for his children and the family. Of course the victim
keeps quiet out of fear and because psychologically, he wants to blame her for this. This is called
projection in psychology, he projects his guilt on her.
This is sick, it is dangerous, and let his marriage be destroyed. He has impregnated his own offspring!!!
His daughter. In case of a pregnancy, abort the child and don't listen to falsely moral statements of
saving the innocent child; you can't raise the child of your father, this is causing even more psychological
harm to you.
Move out of this house and please don't protect your dad's reputation. The reputation of a perpetrator
mustn't be protected. Don't conceal the" fault" of this man for he has committed a grave sin and is a danger
for society. We are the Nation of Prophet Muhammad, we are his pride and we should fight injustice and
not endanger the life in the society with false moral perceptions.
You need to consult a psychologist; injustice shouldn't be hidden, it has to be revealed. The problem about
Muslim society in general is that people are ashamed of having problems and deal with scandals in a
different way. The result: Archaic values in terms of family honour. There is a huge difference between a
small mistake or ruining somebody's life.
1.Consult a therapist
2. Move out
3. Tell your family
4. Tell the community
I wouldn't want my male relatives to pray next to someone in a Mosque who raped his daughter.
This "secret" is not embarassing, it has to be lifted.
I wish you all the best, my sweet Sister, I wish you strength and with the help of Allah, you'll overcome
this and forget this.
Peace be upon you
The reason why I kept telling her too stop, is because I know her dad Won't.
But thank you for enlightening the statement I made about Sin, What I meant to say is that what is happening is a sin, not that she is sinning. and if she is, that is something only Allah knows but forgive me for saying it wrong or brining it wrong over.
By the way sorry if you think my view is wrong, but the Jhannah part was there as a support factor, something you should look forward, too isn't this what every muslim is alive and working for ?...
People in these situations are mentally very damaged and don't usually have enough strength to fight against this, so it is very well recommended that if someone could help her, they should really hurry...
and to every other brother and sister, sorry if my comment seemed naive or not correct in your eyes.
I agree about the fact that this is hard and that she is ''not'' sinning. but like i mentioned before, people who KNOW these situations have a different VIEW on it, then people who Don't.
(Thus speaking out of own experience)
But I am glad that these Islamic editors are so helpfull and especially every other muslim/non muslim here. thank you All.
Raja (just in the learning process) forgive me for any mistakes.
Salaam My sister,
Your father is comitting grave crimes against you my sister and you do not realise how alone and abused you are. The child you may be carrying it as great risk of incestous disabilities and deformaties and you are at great risk physically and mentally.
I am in the UK and would like to speak to you if possible. If you email Wael your number, I am happy to call and talk you through this.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Leyla please email the sister directly and maybe you can get her number and talk to her. We need to help this sister find a counselor to talk to, and help her report this crime to the authorities so it will end. We also may have to find her a place to stay. What do you think?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Can I in Anyway contribute anything or any effort ?
Yes,I have a network which will be of help in this instance. My sister, I will email you directly
Peace,
Leyla,Editor Islamic Answers
Dear Leyla, I do not know if your post was for me, but I am a brother sorry:P
and I didnt get any e-mail... if it wasnt for me then sorry.
Brother Mishka,
she hasn't allowed this to happen. In cases of sexual abuse, the perpetrator wants his victim to
believe it's her fault, that it was her mistake, that it only happened because she allowed it. Very often,
the victims are inhibited and afraid of refusing, which may lead to even more severe sexual abuse.
She isn't the one who allowed it. The Muslim community has to stop blamin' women for things like
rape, or incest, sexual abuse etc. When you want to control or dominate a woman, you'll find ways to
reach that goal- even is she's your child or wears a full burqa and niqab.
Assalamu'alaikum Sister Jannah,
I agree with almost everything that you have said. What I don't agree with is when you say the Muslim Community. Let's not blame this type of ignorance on Islam or label "The Muslim Community" as a whole. This is culture plain and simple.
Believe me, I feel your frustration when so many people blame the person who has been abused. This has to stop. This ignorance is so ingrained into the culture of some people that they do not see anything wrong with what they are doing. How many times have we seen on this website women writing in about being abused but they are afraid to say something for fear or bringing shame to the family. How many times have they blamed themselves for their abuse. When will this end?
Education is the only way for this type of ignorance to be put to sleep. The question we all have to ask ourselves is how do we get the ball rolling so that we can at least begin to talk about these issues. If we don't address this serious problem then we will continue to see women being abused. We will continue to see so called "Honour Killing's" and so many more atrocities against women.
Brother's and Sister's, how much longer are we going to turn a blind eye, put blinders on and act as if these crimes don't exist? When are we going to insist that our Imam's address this in the masjid? Jumuah Khutbahs for an example would be the perfect place to begin talking about it. Why Jumuah, because the people who need to hear this message the most will be there. You have a captive audience. What we can't do is just talk about it once and think that the job is done. This will be an ongoing process that may take years to rid ourselves of domestic violence.
We also need to educate the sister's. They need to know that no one should ever be subjected to any verbal or physical violence. I understand when women are told to remove themselves from an abusive situation that it is easier said than done. That is why we need safe support systems in place so that these women can turn to them in times of need. If she has to leave then she will need to know that where she and her children are going will be safe. Hotlines need to be set up so that they can call 24 hours a day.
If we continue down this path of inaction then this type of violence will continue happen and it will be blamed on Muslim's and Islam.
We need to wake up. The ground work for being good responsible people has already been laid out by Prophet Muhammad(PBUH). Why are we not following his lead in how we conduct ourselves?
May Allah guide us all out of this mental bondage.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
I think it is very important for those who want to reply to others who have been in an situation such as this sister, to at least educate themselves on the complex nature of abusive relationships, especially for the victims. Sexual abuse, especially when perpetrated by a biological relative, is not something we can give simple advice to, or make sweeping assumptions or judgements about. To do so often causes more emotional harm on top of what has already been done.
Adults who find sexual attraction in children are pedophiles. While there is a lot of debate about what is or is not within a pedophiles behavior to change their ways, two things have remained consistently true: Pedophiles are very sick people, and the rate of pedophiles truly overcoming their issues has been very low.
Pedophiles will groom their victims from a young age psychologically and emotionally to endure their molestations. Very few children have the emotional maturity to see beyond these manipulations to end the abuse themselves. For that reason, we see many cases of abuse victims who endured these incidents for years and years, sometimes even into early adulthood. Pedophiles "start out small", with touching that seems innocent or to fall within a gray area, and work up to more clear violations, by gaining a trust and bond with their victims throughout the process. Sadly, the anticipation of escalating their perpetrations over extended periods of time serves to excite their lusts even more. What usually ends up breaking the cycle is when the pedophile goes beyond a limit which he can control...by engaging more and more children, by getting a female pregnant, or any other number of things which end up revealing his secret.
Sister Emm, your father is sick and needs help. If you love your father, this would be a good time for him to get the help he needs by letting this secret come out. If you believe he's been a good father in all ways but this one aspect, then use this chance for him to get this issue addresssed so he can become the very best father he was meant to be. It is going to be a painful process for everyone, but it is necessary to endure the pain if the healing is to come. And you all need healing at this point.
In my understanding, Islam does not support abortion. Although it is true that children born of incest have a higher risk of having mental retardation, it is not a guarantee that the child will be affected. Further, studies on women who have had abortions (for any reason) have shown that they have higher incidence of depression, trauma, and other emotional conditions due to the abortion. Many regret that they did it. Considering that you are already dealing with a lot of emotional issues and trauma, it would probably not be in your best interest to go through another procedure that will add to it. It may be better to carry the baby to term if you are pregnant, and place it for adoption. As far as all the other understandable repercussions of this situation, they are best worked through as a family (your mom, yourself, and brothers) as well as individually with a skilled therapist who has a background in working with sexual abuse victims. And I strongly urge you to take Leyla up on her offer and get in touch with her and lean on any support she has to offer as you begin to work through your healing process.
May the compassion and love of Allah keep you and comfort you during this difficult time, for the sake of the beloved Nabi Muhammad (saws). Amin.
When I talk about Muslim community, I'm talking about communities I know or the things I experienced
in Islamic countries. Islam is my religion, so I'd never attack the religion, rather individuals, who call
themselves religious and blame women for their misfortune.
And yeah, you're absolutely right, culture is still the dominating influence on Muslims.
May Allah bless you all
Assalaamu alaikum sister. Your situation brought tears to my eyes.
I have found it very difficult to post a response as I think truly the only people to understand are those that have gone through it. Forgive me if I underestimate in anyway.
although this is not advice as such - I just wanted to remind you that no matter what your father has said, this is NOT your fault. You are under no sin, and you are a victim, and I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through (and be going through.) I agree with everything sister Leyla and Jannah said. You need to take action. You need to see a therapist, move out and tell your family. A father is supposed to be someone you can trust but Your father has abused his position of trust and 'groomed' you over the years. Hence you believing its still your fault. As sister Jannah said, this is common in abuse. The only way you can really stop this is to get out, leave your home and move away from your father. This may be difficult for you, but there are options out there for you. Family, friends some charities may be able to help as well as GP/ counsellor - InshaAllah some editors will be able to provide details - If you can speak to sister Leyla that would be good.
I know you are scared for your family, but know that whatever happens its not your fault. Your father has behaved in a disgusting manner, and if your mother does disown you, this is a major sin. These ideologys are all based on culture, and I agree with brother Abdul wali on this.
As far as I know, in cases of rape, or where there is danger to the mother; abortion is allowed. Raising your fathers child would be extremely difficult, so you may want to consider abortion.
I know you feel 'damaged' and the process of 'healing' is going to most likely be a long one, but InshaAllah you will heal over time - it will get easier for you. Get closer to Allah swt - know that He is watching. He knows what you are feeling, He understands. This trial that you have gone through for so many years will be an expiation of sins for you InshaAllah. Also know that the dua of the wronged is always answered. Even when you feel so alone sister, when everyone is sleeping. Allah is there. Do Night prayers. I pray that you will find peace, comfort and solace in worshipping Allah swt. I truly believe that this will help with the emotional scars and put things in perspective for you.
Allah's Apostle said, "Every night when it is the last third of the night, our Lord, the Superior, the Blessed, descends to the nearest heaven and says: Is there anyone to invoke Me that I may respond to his invocation? Is there anyone to ask Me so that I may grant him his request? Is there anyone asking My forgiveness so that I may forgive him?. " (See Hadith No. 246,Vol. 2)
This is an especially good time to be close to Allah swt. Normally during salat I have difficulty concentrating during the day - but during the night SubhanAllah - you can really feel His presence - and when I am undergoing any trial - this is a great comfort to me. And Allah swt can help you through this, so supplicate to Him and read Qur'an - these are a 'cure.'
Go for counselling - see your GP. Dont be afraid of what happens with family - this situation has gone too far and you must protect yourself from this. You are facing the problem now, and it will be hard but its the first step, and it will get easier InshaAllah. If possible try to find a muslim counsellor.
I pray that Allah helps you and protects you. You will overcome this, or at least it will get easier. Sister, just please dont let it destroy you- ask Allah swt for strength to overcome this - and remember this life is short - this is another thing which InshaAllah will be a comfort to you. You will be in my duas. Know that You are not alone, Allah is always there and He loves you. We are here for advise and we love you for the sake of Allah sister. Feel free to post here again
Wasalaam (sorry for the long post.)
Assalaamu alaikum..
Ya Allah...I'm speechless..
Im so not the kind of person who is sensitive etc..but for the first time in my life, after reading your post sister, I feel so sick and saddened.
You need to make it stop...no matter WHAT, that includes the family breaking up because he obviously is not the man he makes himself look like.
Listen to the good advices given above..
I really really pray you are not pregnant but even if you were, I think it would be permissible for you to do abortion...thats just how bad whats happenign is..that something as haraam as abortion can become permissible because of the grave consequences of it.
I pray that Allah swt helps you.
Salaam sister - I think the best way to get proper counselling is from the GP in the UK. (Im from UK near londn - but not 100% sure about the route to take - I just know its supposed to be easier in UK = theres a lot of support - so your not alone for a min.) Another thought, but if you are unable to get counselling from GP, universities usually offer a counselling service to students free or for a small charge - but the service is unlikely to be as good as formal counselling - i dont know if this is still in place thanks to the cuts but this is an option. Also here there are charities -womans aid, refuge, samaritans (which listen and dont advise).
There are also muslim counsellors who can talk to you on the phone. I know you need practical advise which Im sure can be offered but also important to talk it through as well. Im sure the editors Leyla can advise further InshaAllah.
And if the editors need any help regarding any of this please let me know.
Wasalaam
Asslam O Alaikum sister Emm1991!
I can't explain how I felt after reading your sufferings in the hand of no one else but your own father. In fact, I couldn't sleep last night and kept waking up again and again. Ah! it's hard to believe its happening in our Muslim society, a father, or brother are supposed to protect their daughters and sisters but Allah! what kind of father is he?
What kind of women is your MOTHER, when her own child especially daughter can't confide in her to inform her of all the pain, suffering and shame she is going through in her own house. What is happening under her nose and with no one else but her own daughter by whom her husband. I don't know why is she turning a blind eye when you gave her the proof of all what was happening.
I don't have any better advice to offer you sweat sister since, everyone has given you the best advice possible. Please contact Sister Leyla and other sisters on the panel especially the ones who are here in UK so that, they can help you. I have not studied psychology but I very much doubt that your father is suffering from any sort of mental condition. One of my cousin sister has studied psychology but how can I discuss this kind of matter with my sister, I feel ashamed myself. He is Joseph Fritzel of Muslim Society and he should be punished for what he did and should be made ashamed of his actions.
Sweat sister, keep writing here and keep updating us with your situation, I am hopeful Insha Allah that sisters on this panel will be able to help you.
@Sister Leyla and other sisters who are in contact with her.
Please, keep updating us on what's going on with sister. Also, if I could help in any way possible in all this process then, do let me know. I am based in London (UK) and Insha Allah will do everything in my capacity.
Wasalm MKS1982:(-
I just don't know what to say, or how to react.
During my lifespan of 23 years, I have already witnessed/experienced so much fitnah, oppression, hatred, wrongdoing, filthy things, that I sometimes wish that I were a tree or an inanimate object or still an innocent child who does not understand any of the complexity of this cruel world.
Inshallah I will include this sister in my dua. May Allah help her overcome this trauma.
And to the moderators: Please keep us updated on the condition of this sister.
You poor sweet girl, nothing you could ever of done could justify your wrteched fathers behaviour. The fires are already burning for him.
Please move out, I fear for your safety if you don't. Move out and once you have done seek help from the NHS. I have been through similar in the past (though not as severe and not a family member) and the NHS arranged counselling with a phsycologist as the emotional damage it had caused me threatened to ruin my entire life. They will help you.
Once you have moved, explain to your mother why with the help of a friend or the counsellor. If she is a good mother she will listen to you, believe you, comfort you and support you. If she is sadly not a supportive mother then you will have the support of your friends xx
You must go to the police. I know this will be hard as he is your father and from what I understand this will be even harder from within a muslim family. B
You poor sweet girl, nothing you could ever of done could justify your wretched fathers behaviour. The fires are already burning for him.
Please move out, I fear for your safety if you don't. Move out and once you have done so seek help from the NHS. I have been through similar in the past (though not as severe and not a family member) and the NHS arranged counselling with a phsycologist as the emotional damage it had caused me threatened to ruin my entire life. They will help you.
Once you have moved, explain to your mother why with the help of a friend or the counsellor. If she is a good mother she will listen to you, believe you, comfort you and support you. If she is sadly not a supportive mother then you will have the support of your friends xx
You must go to the police. I know this will be hard as he is your father and from what I understand this will be even harder from within a muslim family. But my dear if you do not stop him now he will find someone else to do it to. They never stop at one. Never. You say you do not want to deprive your brothers of a good father? You have no way of knowing that he has not been doing the same to them. He is not a good father, how can he be if he is doing this? And he will know exactly what he has been doing.
I am sitting with tears of frustration at the fact that this happens. It happens in all communities and it damages so many people. You are NOT to blame. You feel you have to do as he says because he is your father, because fear locked you in as a child and now as an adult you have become used to the abuse, your view of normal has become twisted because of what you grew up with.
If you are pregnant then do not hesitate. For your sake and for the childs sake you must abort. I know I may upset people in saying this but this is no way to come into the world. The likelyhood if this child being born without some genetically linked disabilities are slim. And you will be left with a constant flesh and blood reminder of the torment he put you through.
He should be named and shamed. Your community should shun him and he should be jailed for the lifetime of abuse he inflicted.
Seek help and leave before he can hurt you again. Everyone on here is supportive of you, please know that.
Thank you so very much to everyone who has replied. You cannot understand how comforting it is to me to finally be able to talk to someone about my situation.. I have tried and will continue to try to write on here what I believe are the facts, without my feelings colouring anything.
You have all offered me advice, which is exactly what I wanted, but I must admit that I just cannot report my father. Ever since my parents got back together, they have had an unbelievable number of arguments, often escalating to the point of divorce, but before they would cross that brink, they would calm down and we would all get on with our lives. Being the eldest, I have come to understand that they are both desperately unhappy but everytime there is an argument, their reasons for staying together are the 'children'... And a few years ago, when I believe I was a lot more naive, I would simply urge them to get a divorce because their being unhappy caused all of us in the house to be unhappy.. and after all, divorce is a norm in the UK society.
Of course they didn't divorce, and I can see their reasons why. Because if they did seperate, then my 2 younger brothers would be without a father. My mum is a working woman and yes, she could probably bring us up, but a male role model is necessary for kids. If they did seperate, then my dad would go back to Pakistan - where he was originally from - and we have no other person that we could really rely on. My mums side of the family is in this city, but we do not all get on very well.
From my dads point of view, I can see why he does not want to leave us. Despite everything, he does love us. He told me when he came back that he could not bear not seeing his children or them being brought up without him. My mum forgave him for the physical abuse (which to this day, he denies).. and if I think about it from his point of view.. which was that he had been 'wronged' by being deported all those years ago, and being kept away from his children.. I can empathise with him.
Hence if I were to report him to the authorities, I know that most likely what would happen would be that they would divorce - which is exactly what they have worked so hard against, to prevent from happening. If my mum was not found to be able to support my brothers, then social care might even get involved and I CANNOT let that happen. I cannot ruin the structure that is working for all of us.
As for the possibility that he may be doing the same to my brothers that he does with me... I do not think that likely. I am certain I would know it if he was.
My dads family (his mum, dad and siblings) are all in pakistan and they are good, pious people. If i were to tell anyone about what is happening, if they heard, I don't have words for what kind of reaction we would get... And the society in pakistan is different from here anyway..
I do not blame my mum for not knowing anything, and for not believing me when I told her what was happening when I was younger. After all, I have done everything in my power to convince her that I had lied.. I have even laughed it off when she brought it up again once or twice. She is also on medication, which causes her to sleep so how could she possibly know what was going on.
I do not fear her disowning me for any 'abuse' that may have occurred. Because the fact is that I do not know if it was really abuse or rape. This is the part that shames me but again, trying to stick to facts... when i was younger and he did things to me, then yes, it might have been abuse. But I am 19 now... the only problem that I have is saying No to him. I just let things occur, and have NO willpower to stop it. And at the time, I do enjoy it. With abuse, surely you have to be too 'afraid' to say no? The fact is that I don't feel afraid of him. That is not what stops me from preventing such acts from occurring. It is a complete lack of willpower. I feel guilty afterwards and I get angry at myself and at him.. but surely it is my fault as equally as it is his.
What I fear is my mum disowning me for having sexual relations with her husband.. rather than being sexually abused, if indeed that is what has happened to me. She is an educated woman and I know if I was indeed abused, she would not disown me.
Someone said that I should order a lock and put that on my door. In our house, we are very closely tied.. and you could say that my parents are quite strict. My room is in the attic, and I once did lock my door (it already has a lock on it) to prevent my dad from coming in. But he sort of made an issue out of it by asking about why I want to put a lock on the door... and I couldn't very well say for 'privacy' reasons.. because none of the other bedrooms have locks. Also, my mum also asked me why I needed the lock.. and I could not answer that. My dads' argument was also that i have a room in the attic, if there was a fire, how would they get through?
As for my father being sick... before my parents broke up, my mum had got him to go and see the GP and he was prescribed medicine for some form of mental illness. My mum just refers to it as him having been 'mental' so I don't know what exactly was wrong with him. And he denies it strenuously, saying that they gave him drugs when he didnt need them. I do not know who to believe about past events, because both my mum and dad have their own version about things that happened..
But I do not believe he is ill. He acts pretty much like a normal dad in everything that he does..
I also do not think I have stockholm syndrome. I do not deny that I love my father. He works hard for us, he looks after us.. and he has made great sacrifices for us, including leaving his parents and siblings in pakistan to come and live with us. My mum has also made great sacrifices for us too. So, of course i love both my parents very much. I just know that what I have done with my dad is wrong, and I want it to stop.
Someone advised me to get married and move out as soon as possible. That is sort of unlikely to happen because I am in the middle of my education. I still have four more years at university, and of course, I live in student halls when I'm at uni. I am on a gap year at the moment though, so I am home for this year. I also cannot get married until I have completed my education.
Alhumdulillah, I am not pregnant. The last time that I posted on this forum, I had just been to the GP and felt very anxious, although that is an understatement. I am now replying because I want to deal with my issues. I know what I have done with my father is wrong. I want to move on and stop it from ever happening again.
Thank you to everyone who replied. You have no idea how much it means to me to read your responses.. As for contacting the panel, I am reluctant to do this because I do not want to set into motion anything that involves me moving out or bringing this out into the open. I just cannot do it.. the consequences would be too disastrous for my brothers and family. Jazakallah once again.
My Dear Sister 'Emm', Asalaamualaykum,
JazakhAllah for replying, the readers and those who replied have been extremely concerned about you. Alhumdulillah you are not pregnant this time but next time you may end up pregnant or with an STD - may Allah save you. So you must do something to help yourself get out of this dangerous situation. Being in the vulnerable state that you are, I am sure it is not easy for you to deal with this alone.
You need help to find the will power to say 'NO' and to protect yourself, right? This is what our Editor will try to help you with. No-body is going to force you to do anything or force you to make things public.
May Allah help you overcome this trauma sister and may He(swt) strengthen you against your oppressor, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamu alaikum- sister I pray that Allah swt protects you - I know that this is a difficult situation for you. I understand that you want to protect your family, I dont agree with that but I understand that. I dont think you have to necessarily go public about it, you shouldnt have to compromise this. Whatever you do, don't just ignore the situation and hope it will get better - this is unlikely. You need to find the right support. (Again you dont have to report him.)
Most importantly you need to find a way out of the situation. Protectng yourself is paramount. Is uni halls not an option? Discuss with the editors and InshaAllah you will get the help you need. Just please please please dont do nothing and just hope it will go away.
I pray that Allah swt helps you and protects you.
Ameen
Salam Sister,
I absolutely can't understand you. I don't know what your percpeption of women is, but living under
one roof with a pedophile father who abused me in chidlhood and approached me as an adult
is not my imagination of an ideal family life.
This man can be an angel for the outside world, he can be a perfect daddy for everybody,
but if he sleeps with his own daughter, it's better to give you poison instead of food.
I can understand that you love him and have a strong emotional bonding to your dad. If you truly
love him, you must understand that he's ill and needs help. He is mentally ill, if not more.
If you keep quiet, you destroy your family even more. And the fact that you don't have any willpower
and even enjoyed these acts, doesn't make it more acceptable. You are his child, he has authority over
you and is your dad. Of course you let it happen, he's your father and your respect him.
He in return takes advantage of your love and your emotional attachement. He takes advantage of
your paternal love and makes you accept it. You even feel half-guilty. He has already reached his goal.
I'm happy you're not pregnant. But if you say no next time, what will your dad say? Do you think he'll
accept your no? I seriously doubt that. Sister, please accept that your dad is sick and needs help.
Maybe he doesn't do it to your siblings, but there are other young children and women in the
neighbourhood and you have a responsibility as a member of your society and community. It's like
knowing about a bomb that can explode at any time, but hiding it from everybody although you know
that when it explodes, everybody's life will be in danger. It is also, I'm sorry, cowardly and selfish.
A pedophile is dangerous for the whole society. There are Islamic countries like Iran in which the
death penalty would be your dad's punishment. Please don't think that in Islam, this is not a crime, it is.
Sister, when I criticize Islamic countries or communities. I don't criticize my holy beloved prophet or my
faith. I criticize this very ugly and destructive habit of concealing matters, feeling embarassed because
of everything, keeping families together for the sake of children, although the parents don't even love
each other, "keeping a good face in front of everybody" although you're dying inside; Mashallah
that you're a student and mashallah that you were able to reach something academically, in spite of your
dad's behaviour. But in Islam, we don't call each other brothers and sisters without reason. We call
each other like that because every human being out there should be treated like our own blood-brother
or blood-sister. If we don't want something for ourselves, we don't want it for others and try to prevent it
under all circumstances. I accept that you love your dad, but the way you're going is the way of hypocracy
and it's going to be worse for you. You were even talking about a sexually transmitted disease, isn't that
reason enough? I don't understand you. Not at all.
You are talking about divorce as if it is a crime. Islam allows divorce as a last resort and sometimes,
a divorce can even lead to the happiness of all family members. And in this case, it will lead to
happiness in the long-term, because your mother wouldn't like a husband who sleeps with his
daughter.
And if you had a daughter who slept with your future husband, would you like her to hide it?
Would you like to live this life of double standards?
I'm sure you wouldn't. Your mother is your sister in faith as well, so think of her before you think of
your siblings and your "ideal family".
Wasalam and good luck
Jannah,
I completely understand your frustrations here, but the sister needs immense understanding and support so she can find strength. You said: 'And the fact that you don't have any willpower and even enjoyed these acts, doesn't make it more acceptable.' The sister did not say or imply that she has been enjoying any of what she has been put through, but she did say many times that she does not have the willpower to stand up for herself.
We want Sister Emm to feel completely comfortable to write here and be open about how she feels. So lets all be careful about how we deal with this matter so we can do our best to help her inshaAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Z,
I didn't write that I think she enjoyed it- she somehow tries to blame herself- and thinks she's half-guilty.
She tries to defend her father and partly blames herself- whereas the "enjoyment" she mentioned
( at the time, I enjoy it), is mainly biological and has nothing to do with us condemning it or the wrongdoing
of her dad. I don't want her to think that she's half-guilty and stay in the situation- because I love her
and by keeping quiet, it will cause further harm to her. We can't force her to go public- you can' t force
anybody to do anything he or she doesn't want. She has to understand he's sick and she shouldn't defend
him as the happy family father- what he's doing is inhuman.
She wrote that in her childhood it was abuse, now it isn't rape or abuse because she doesn't say no.
Her father takes advantage of her trust and her paternal love- she'll never be able to say no if this continues
Do we want to wait until he starts blackmailing her? You can blackmail someone with love, that's happening
every day everywhere in our world. I want her to stop defending him, and blaming herself as being
half-guilty.
Wasalam
- Jannah, thanks for pointing that out, I just re-read the post.
- Emm, Jannah is completely right in what she says. It seems that you have become so desensitized to the rape and sexual abuse from your father that you no longer realise the enourmity of the danger you are in or of the crime being committed against you. Your situation is not normal at all and you must seek help.
As I said before, I trust you will allow one of our Editors to speak to you privately inshAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam O Alaikum Sister Emm1991:)-
Nice to hear from you. Sister! I don't know what to say and am quite confused; on one hand you are concerned about this abusive relationship with your father and more importantly you blame yourself for all this (which is totally, utterly wrong) and see your father as an innocent angel because of some sort of mental illness he may have. On the other hand you want to save the family being torn apart if in case this whole thing becomes public. I really appreciate your efforts to keep the family together no matter if parents don't get along well but still they share the same roof for the sake of their children. Your parents should be proud of you when a daughter is going through so much just keep her family together.
What I don't understand is; why do you refuse any help from "only sisters" on this panel like Sister Leyla and sister Z offered you. Sister? I would request you to seriously consider this sincere offer from the sisters. It does not necessarily mean to bring this issue in public and involve charities, NGO's or Police etc in this matter in turn bringing shame to you and your family. There might be some options where this abuse could be stopped without even involving anyone whatsoever and without having family falling apart:)-
You mentioned in your post that you are spending a gap year at home. I can't imagine spending a week at home doing nothing. Now, this time is going to be difficult for you sister. The best thing you can do is that take a course in any Islamic school/institute close to your place even if it's a Mosque where there are separate classes for sisters taught by female teachers and improve your Islamic knowledge. There are some mosques which offer different courses throughout the year at very low cost or sometimes free of cost.If not then you can join any local charities, preferably Islamic charities if not then British Heart Foundation, Oxfam, NSPCC etc are the best. It will help you give something back to the society, get to know more people, make new friends, helping people in need, most importantly you will learn new skills which will help you in your later life Insha Allah. You can go abroad with some Islamic charities which operate in countries like Pakistan, India, and some African and other North American countries. I personally know a sister who spent two years with different charities working in 30 countries especially WHEN SHE IS MARRIED though no kids.
And you know the best part of this whole charity thing is peace of mind, special feeling of being a part of something good. Sister, I can tell you that from my personal experience, I worked in a charity called "Muslim Hands" back in 2005 when earth quake hit the Northern part of Pakistan including Kashmir in the Holy Month of Ramadan. Sister, I have never felt more happy, peaceful, contented, then that time in my 28 years of life so far. This is something you can't imagine without experiencing yourself.
If you work with any local, national charity here in UK then it will help you keep yourself busy and since you won't be at home all the time, then there will be less chances of coming across your father. Also, you mentioned that your mother works so you can synchronise your timing with that of your mother', you won't be at home when she is not at home. And you will be back in the afternoon/evening when your mother is also at home (I am guessing that she works 9:00 to 5:00 time pattern job, right!). Secondly, if you can't move out of house then sleep in the same room as your mother, then your father will never have the courage to enter the room in the first place. You can make excuse like you feel scared in your room and want to sleep with her or any other excuse you think will work best for you:)-. Since, you are a girl not a boy then I assume it is not Haram under Islamic teaching to share a room with your mother, even if you are adult (Readers and Editors! correct me if I am wrong please).
Sister! I know it is not advisable to suggest any Muslim sister, young or old, married/unmarried or what ever circumstances she might have to stay alone or with another girl but I guess this a very unique and extra-ordinary situation and we don't see many cases like this just yet. I would recommend you to stay with any of your friend (make sure you know her very well, her character, righteousness, behaviour, attitude before taking this step) who is also living alone/away from her family for whatsoever reason till you are able to finish your studies, find a suitable job (if you want to work) and most importantly find a suitable practising brother to marry (after finishing your studies). I know it's difficult and most of the brothers and sisters may not agree with me but this is the only option I can think off for now which best suits the sister. In this way you can see your family weekly, monthly or they can come to see you. Though you might have to give them any excuse to stay away from the family but I guess telling a lie in this kind of situation is not a sin when you don't have any other option to go for. If you decide to stay with someone then make sure she is a good Muslim first (no boyfriend, party lifestyle, staying out late in night) and is known for her good character. Ironically sister, some people in our society regardless of their gender don't see single women living alone respectfully without knowing the circumstances but sister remember we cannot live life keeping everyone happy. No matter what we do, these people will never be happy, not all of them at least. Most importantly sister! please Allah (SWT) who (SWT) matters the most and who has put you in this test. He (SWT) is the only one to judge you and don't listen to/care for those ignorant people like what they think or say.
Keep writing in this space as we are all here to help you and please don't be offended or take personal whatever I didn't mean to offend you but just tried to help:)-.
May Allah SWT bless you always and give you strength to get out of this difficult situation.
Wasalam,
Your brother in Islam MKS1982:)-
Salaam Waleikum Waragmatoelah Hibrakatoe,
Dear sister, Everything that had to be said, has been said by my dear brothers and dear sisters whom I love very much, they have described it so beautifully and with much love.
I only wanted too say, if you were too read this, like my first post you read.
Know that every brother and sister here cares about you and loves you very much.
You are now even making me cry with your response, I was once like that too, always thinking about others, but there comes and time when you have too think about yourself too.
Please sister take up on their offer IN THE NAME OF ALLAH I beg you.
If there is money needed, ill give you everything I have, Listen I dont care tell me what you need, because I and every person on here wants too help you get better and improve your life.
Please dont refuse our help, I am already crying as it is, and I worry for the future, so please please I beg of you please turn to these sisters for help and talk too them.
I am prepared too do anything for you, even though I don't know you, because that Doesnt matter in Islam.
All that matters is the love of Allah.
Waiting for your response, InshAllah, InshAllah, InshAllah, Alhamdulilah, Alhamdulilah, Alhamdulilah.
Dear All;
i am too late in this conversation but i just want to add one comment ;
I dont know whether this girl is a Muslim or not... but my all feelings go to this girl from bottom of my heart and i believe she is still innocent because i think kids get the guidance from the parents if the parents are like this then what do u expect from this girl to do???????????? My all prayers are with her InshAllah she willl be out of this Soon with all of your suggestions...
Regards
waqas
Salaam,
I want to apologise if I came across as some sort of attention seeker or anything like that. Indeed that was not my intention.. why would I reveal my secret to everyone on this forum otherwise? I also do not feel like I deserve all of your sympathy, because i myself have not really felt any extreme emotions for myself. Maybe i am just used to it, i dont know.. As for taking action, i know i asked you all for advice and then i changed my mind and said i could not take it.. that i could not report my father. and i know that must have been very contradictory, i realise that now. but as cliche as this will sound, it is easier said than done. some of your comments have been very helpful and i will take the time to reply to some of the points made individually later.. some of the comments have made me feel like i am being judged. suffice to say, some have convinced me to talk to one of the editors directly which i am now doing. i thank you all once again for all your support and cannot really express how grateful i am.. Take care and salaam x
Dear Emm,
It is always lovely to see that you are writing here Alhumdulillah.
Please do not take any of the comments in a bad way. If one or two say something that is difficult to hear, there are plenty more who have spoken in a more gentle manner. We want you to feel comfortable to write here, we are here as your friends and your sisters/brothers in Islam. It is not at all fair for anyone to judge you. You are going through a difficult experience and of course many things that have been said to you are easier said than done.
I do not feel at all that you wrote here to seek attention, I believe that you wrote here with a sincere and genuine intention to seek help and advice and that was an extremely brave thing for you to do. I am glad you have responded to our Editor.
Chin up girl, our hearty prayers are with you. Allah is your Wali (Your Protector).
Your Sister in Islam
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
One of our editors is now in private contact with this sister and will do everything possible to help her, Insha'Allah.
For now I am closing this post to further comments. May Allah reward all of you who have taken time to offer sincere and constructive advice.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor