Can’t decide whether to marry her or not as she said she’s not virgin.
Marriage to a Pious Muslim
assalam o alikum,
Please help me as i am in this critical situation.my storyis that my gf and i decided to get married in future...our relation is not very long snd also no physical contact with each orher.... i m a faithful and serious guy never thought of having sex before marriage.... until one day she told me that shes not a virgin and said i know i had hurt you should have told you before etc....am dyinG right now with million thouhhts in my mind.... not able to decide something..she asked me to leave her as she is not worth it..but i m not able to decide...plus i like to add that i had a relation before in which i was physical with her....we have done evrything but sex....no sex was involved.... i can only say iam a virgin....... please give me sincere suggestions and help me out to get over this situation...... very depressd not able to decide...as i was planning my future with her ... should i keep the relatio or not.... i
Shabbir.
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assalam 3laykoum brother shabbir
well from what i read it looks like u really do love her. the matter is basically down to if u believe that u will not doubt ur gf's love for u . u just need to sit down with yourself and think about 2 things
1. do u trust and love her
2. does her past really matter THAT much to u
When i read your post i personally think that you are double standard guy you also done wrong with her apart from not having sex yet you enjoyed getting physical with her which is haraam. You should be grateful she told you before marriage and as far as i read this i think that her conscious is clear, and you are he one being unfair knowing you was in a haraam relationship with her too.
You have 2 options either you except her for what she is and never to discuss the matter
stop being in haraam relationship and marry her, if you feel she is good enough as your wife.
well no one can really tell u what u can really do exactly. u obviously love this girl or u wouldnt still be doubting leaving her. people make mistakes and the past is the past u should always remember that
assalamu alaykom brother we have something in common, i know how you feel the egos were killing you.... perform salatul istikara make dua for ALLAH whats best for you and your gf,
ALLAH KNOWS BEST....
i think she is more honest than you. she should have not said this to you ( in my opinion). it was a sin that Allah had hiden for her.
she seems like a very honest and loyal person , who trusts you and thinks that you trust her as well. she may be thinking that you are more pious than her just because (she thinks)you have not committed the same sin as her.
brother, dont let this past be a reason for your breakup. however if you think you will always be judging her or doubting her than i guess let her go but know that this way you are not being fair to her.
it will be interesting to see what she says if you tell her that you had committed a similar sin.
Walaykum as salam, brother Shabbir,
I am sorry to listen to your situation. Insha´Allah, I will mention you a few facts you should take into account before making any kind of decisions.
From a physical point of view, both of you should be checked for STDs (sexual transmitted disease). Going through this will be tough but as you mentioned both of you have been involved in sexual activities, then much better, you stay or not together to know.
From a spiritual point of view, do Tawbah, repent sincerely, pray to Allah(swt) for forgiveness, stop sinning and let Allah(swt) bring Peace to both of your Hearts, in this state, you can seek for Allah(swt)´s guidance praying Istikhara.
Insha´Allah, both of you will learn through the suffering of this experience to return and follow the straight Path and to look for Allah(swt)´s guidance and comfort in moments of hardship as well as to show gratitude for Being always for us.
Just one more question, we ask for forgiveness to Allah(swt) towards us, but remember to ask for help to be able to forgive her and yourself, whatever decision you take.
I trust that insha´Allah you will make the right decision at the right time.
Wasalam,
María
Allah(swt) knows best.
@ Sister Samina. please read the brothers ppost again him and the girl dod not have physical contact but he had another relationship with someone else.
@ukhtifilaah read his post i have done everything but sex so yes i have read the post clearly before i wrote and gave my opinion
Asalama Aleykum Warahmatulaahi brother.
I want to you to think really deep, by marrying her now may cause you pain later, beacuase knowing the truth wich is a bad past from your spouse ruins your future together.
I know you must be thinking what is she talking about, if you can forget the fact that she has committed zinaa then go ahead and marry her, but if you gonna hount her and torture her in the future for this safe yourself and herself a heartache and say good bye to each other.
Insha Allah i hope you make the best decision.
@ukhtifilaaah he himself has committed a sin, hes the one being hypocrite in my opinion if someone past brothers someone so much then do not get involve with that person even if it is physical in the first place islamically that is haraam. She the girlfriend may have told him because she is loyal the fact her conscious was clear she had to tell him even though she didn't need to but what gets me is he himself is no better person.
Either you do trust her or you yourself look at yourself too because you too committed sins and seriously think that you want to do, only you know what is best for you.
Sorry if i am being harsh brother i am only showing you are also in the wrong as well and that you are not being true or fair.
A completely different stand point on this ladies and gents, is that the girl may be saying this to exit the relationship with the guy. She probably is virgin and she knows that saying shes not would probably make the guy change his mind.
Other than this, i think if you are looking for a successful marriage, you should never commit haram acts with each other or the marriage rarely is a success.
I'd rather you let her go because i think thats what she really wants.
You are wrong ahmed because there are people who have done wrong and sincerely repented to Allah, only Allah knows the truth. I honestly believe she is telling the truth either way you look at it, she was honest in letting him know before marriage and that is building trust and getting to know him. One thing I do not agree is people lying and being hypocritical one rule for one and another for the other person knowing the truth and continuing to use that person regardless. Just because one is virgin and indulged into sins that person is no better the one has done everything in my strong opinion may Allah forgive me for my harashness.
To many posts are coming here that people cant handle ones past then those people should not commit such acts that allows them to get involved and then its now I know the truth I cant handle it even if they know before marriage like in this case should be grateful that person was honest because that is the guilt that takes over them that they don’t want to deceive that person they do see a future I can only say in this case its double standards that this person is allowing his ego get the better of him.
Sister Samina,
Please write Allah's Name with a capital 'A'. I can not see Allah's Name with a small 'a'. It seems like disrespect to me.
Thanks for understanding.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I will do thank you for correcting me Muhammad Waseem
I upper-cased the A's Brother Waseem. 🙂
Asalamoalaikum Brother,
Before I advise you on your situation, I want you and your girlfriend to realize two things:
(a) You both are in a haram relationship. A girlfriend boyfriend relationship in Islam is forbidden clearly for the reasons you have stated above. You must either end this relationship or get married to her as soon as possible (not in the “future”).
(b) You both need to repent for your sins. You both have a burden that you’re carrying on your shoulders and instead of exposing your sins to one another you should be asking for forgiveness from Allah swt.
Now coming down to your question, should I leave my girlfriend as she is not a virgin?
You only have the answer to that. Only you know if you can accept her with the complete truth or not. But you need to keep two things in mind before making your decision:
(a) You sinned as well. You went physical with a girl (I’m unsure from your post if it was this girl or another one. Regardless, it doesn’t matter) and did everything but have sex. So what if you didn’t engage in actual intercourse? You still engaged in zina—the zina of the eyes, the zina of touching, you saw a non-mahram girl in a state that you shouldn’t have. Your sin also carries a great weight just like her sin does and you cannot just ignore what you have done or minimize the severity of it.
(b) If you are having such a difficult time swallowing the truth now then maybe you should end this relationship and move on with your life. If this girl has sincerely repented from her sin and feels guilty over it (I’m assuming she has guilt in her heart, hence she told you the truth) then she doesn’t need to be with someone who can’t accept her for her past. It’s not fair to her. The best thing you can probably do at this point is let her go because if you are oscillating between moving forward and ending this relationship and it is “killing” you from inside than this feeling isn’t going to go away any time soon. It’ll probably get worse and make her feel even more miserable regarding her past.
Like I said earlier, now it’s up to you to make the decision. If you are willing to move forward then bear in mind, you both need to get married as soon as possible and you need to close the chapter of her past, completely. It should not interfere with your present or future. If you can do that then there may be some possibility for this relationship to work. If not, then end things, move on with your life and do not get into a haram relationship again.
-Helping Sister
if i was you then i would do this;
talk to her and tell her that i have done similar things too
ask myself if i really love this person
then what ever the outcome is.. just say.. she says il still live with u and u too..
then both repent to Allah and ask for guidance , after that involve the families maryy as soon as possible till then cut all contacts..
May Allah help you..
I, too, found it strange when the author mentions the girl specifically tells him to leave him. Like with Ahmed, it also makes me think that she's trying to get out of the relationship and either uses or makes up an excuse as to why she supposedly "doesn't deserve him". If a girl really wants to be with someone she wouldn't tell him to leave her, but try to make things better.
Brother I also think she do not want to continue this relation if she says she is not worth it for you then why did she continue this relation? I think you should perform salat ul Istikhara.
Wah'laika salaam. As some comment's above.... I also thinck that she has tired of that relationship, that is why she trying to be using technique for you.... Thinck over it, you know what is please for you and Allah(greatness and greatful be to him)know's best.
Lastly, ask for forgiveness...as you've been told earlier. I wish you best of luck. maa salaam
Well u say u have done everything with ur EX except sex.look where do u stand.I am not being a saint here and nor taking a girls side.but I wud say she is being honest and brave by telling u her past.where as u have done things in past but havnt told her.u say u have done everything but sex.and u say ur virgin too.does that mean ur some way better here ? I think u shud speak to her and accept her coz end of the day u both had a past. Doesn't matter u had sex of not coz even touching ur ex was HARAN n ZINAH too but like u have mentioned u had done everything.dude accept her n move on from ur past. If u can't handle this situation how can u say u wana marry her,
Thanks
Ismail