Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Want to marry an older, previously married lady

Marriage mistake

Assalaamualaikum,

There is an unmarried boy, and he wants to marry a lady six years older than him who was previously married with a child. His parents are against him marrying her. Some sheikh came to the boy's house, and the boy asked this person for his opinion. The sheikh asked for the girl's name and her mother's name, read some tasbeeh and said that the relationship will not work. Even in the future if they marry, things will go from bad to worst and lead to a divorce. I wanted to know:

1. Is such a method of ishtekhara acceptable?
2. What did the sheikh do exactly? The boy said he had a tasbeeh in his hand which kept vibrating and moving on its own?
3. What should the boy do now? He is scared for himself and this girl, and feels that if the marriage breaks up she will get more hurt.
4. The girl has been doing ishtekhara also and things looked positive until his sheikh came along, so what should she do now? She has told him to do ishtekhara the correct sunnah way, but he still asked this sheikh because his father said he is a religious and God fearing person.
5. The lady has recently found out that the boy's family could be into sihr. Her parents are advising her against marrying him. She really likes him as his thinking is not such, he is a simple person who prays and believes in Allah, he is against wearing of taweez. But should she get into a family which might try to do something on her and him later or should she trust Allah and her aqeedah and marry him?

-maroonflowers


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12 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    That is not istikhara at all. I don't know what it is, but pretty much any scholar or sound shaykh would say that what he did is an innovation, and is haram. I think the boy should heed the girl's advice and do istikhara the proper way according to the sunnah, and follow whatever guidance he receives from that directly.

    I think the girl seriously needs to consider, however, marrying someone who has a different understanding of the practice of Islam than she does. This could definitely cause problems if they do marry, because he may be very superstitious or practice biddahs she knows are wrong. If she has any misgivings about him at all, or the circumstances of their marriage, she should take more time to consider if he's the right one for her. If she never reaches a place where she feels content about the marriage, she should let it go. If someone doesn't feel completely at ease marrying someone, they shouldn't do it.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalam alaikum Sr. Amy,

      Your wrote:

      That is not istikhara at all. I don't know what it is,

      In India, Hindus (I think Sikhs as well--but don't quote me on it) use the idea of Kundali Matching to see if a couple will be compatible and what time period they should marry within to ensure a successful marriage--these misguided haram versions of Isthikhara stem from that (I believe) because of the similarities in "techniques."

      Please see:

      http://astrolife.wordpress.com/2010/03/30/myths-of-kundali-and-ashtakoot-or-guna-matching-and-what-it-is-actually-useful-for/

      Hope this information is helpful.

    • Jazakhallah Khairan for your advice. I have passed it on to the girl. She told me that the boy has been acting funny and not talking to her. She thinks his family could be upto something. She is really worried about him and makes a lot of dua. I don't know how to console her. I wish people would stop messing with other people's life and just let them find their own path. Please remember her in your duas.

      • Few years ago, I saw a TV program on istikhara on a popular Islamic TV channel which was broadcast from UAE. It was a call-in show and they took live phone calls from the callers. The host of the show received the calls and a sheikh who sat behind the camera answered their queries. The callers would ask the sheikh to do istikhara on issues like marriage proposals, job, travel,property etc .The first question the host asked the caller was the mothers name on whom Istakhara needed to be performed and then the sheikh would give a reply.

        This is the first sign to recognise the raqis or sheikhs who have muwakils (Jinns)under their control, they always ask for mothers name. They conjure the Jinns and take their help, usually for haram acts like sihr (black magic).

        Brother,please ask the sister to drop the proposal and not to pursue the matter any further even if the parents of the man agree. Because the danger is, they might say yes to make their son happy for the time being and take the help of that Sheikh to break the marriage or harm the woman.

        It is very easy for such sheikhs to send the Jinn to possess the victims , harm someone, cause financial loss or job loss, break marriages, cause severe illness- both physical or mental and in worst case scenario even death.

        Most people in the west may dismiss this as mere superstitions, but those readers who are from Indo-Pak should know better what I am talking about

        • Yes Brother J,
          Please make dua for this sister if you can. She really likes this person. And he was fond of her and her son too. But lately she feels that he isn't the same person. He is distant and now has stopped talking to her completely. She fears that maybe his parents have done something to mess with his head. But she is helpless. She just makes dua to Allah to cure him and help him.
          Jazakhallah Khairan

        • Muwakils are real and their effects are felt in the West and what you have written about them is completely true (and Muslims in the West don't discount them as believing in Jinns is part our Deen)--Maroonflowers, anyone who tries to get information about family, numeracy type of things, your hair/clothing--beware of them. The other thing to beware of is if the "Sheikh" asks for money to make your problems magically "go away"-- No person has that power.

          If the sister feels he isn't the same and she feels helpless--these are warning signs that shouldn't be ignored. Marriage is not something to be delved into because of desperation.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    What you're describing (looking at names, etc) isn't istikhara - such practices have no place in Islam. The boy should perform istikhara according to the Sunnah. We have a section on this website describing istikhara and answering common questions about it, so it might help for the boy to read this, or for you to read it and explain it to him?

    It's important for the girl and her family to seriously consider the implications of marrying someone whose understanding and practice of Islam may be different from hers, as described by my fellow editor, sister Amy. Accusations and rumours of sihr are also worrying - this suggests that the family may be quite public in their practice of superstitions, and the girl may wish to consider the implications of such open un-Islamic practices in terms of how she will relate to the boy's family, and the stresses this may place on her if the family wish her to adopt superstitions she knows to be wrong.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • This is what Indians believe in. No Muslims believe in such thing unless they have adapted to Indians traditions. Allah is the one who does not a person. Go by what the person is rather than believing in such fake thing that is no importance under the Islamic law if that makes sense.

      • Jazakhallah Khairan for your advice. I have passed it on to the girl. She told me that the boy has been acting funny and not talking to her. She thinks his family could be upto something. She is really worried about him and makes a lot of dua. I don't know how to console her. I wish people would stop messing with other people's life and just let them find their own path. Please remember her in your duas.

  3. ASSALAMALAMMALAIKUM-

    DEAR MR MAROON FLOWERS BHAI YOU WILL BE MAROONED REALLY IF U LET THAT SHAITAN ENTER YR HOUSE I MEAN THE SHEIKH U TOLD ABOUT
    FOLLOW THE MIDNIGHT MOONS ADVICE DO ISTHAKHARA THE ISLAMIC WAY AND WAIT POSITYIVE SIGNS WILL COME IF ALLAH LIKES AND NEGATIVE IF HE DOES NOT WEANT YOU TO MARRY SIMPLE AS THAT-
    REGARDS

    • Jazakhallah Khairan brother. I have already told this girl to follow only the Sunnah way of doing Ishtekhara, but this boy is completely shaken up with what the sheikh said. And this girl doesn't know what to do. She wants to convince him to follow only the correct sunnah way. But it feels like she can't reach out to the boy. They have stopped talking. Please make dua for her. I feel really bad because I had thought this is finally going to be her happy new beginning. She has suffered a lot in her previous marriage.

  4. ASSALAMALAIKUM YOU KNOW THIS ISLAMIC SYSTEM?
    OF ISTAKHARA-
    ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    FOR ANY MOVE IN YOUR LIFE DO ISTHAKHARA ANY DECISION IN CONSULTATION WITH ALLAH WILL SAFEGUARD YOU IN ALL RESPECTS.

    PL DONT LISTEN TO to any other form isthakhara which HAS MEDIATORS [SOME TV SHOWS THIS MISGUIDED TYPE OF FALSE ISTHAKHARA ......
    http://makkah.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/how-to-pray-salat-ul-istikhara.pdf
    What is Salat ul Istikhara?
    Istikhara (Arabic) means to ask Allah to guide one to the right thing concerning any affair in one’s life, especially when one has to choose between two permissible alternatives, e.g. a career choice, getting married, etc. Similarly, a traveller should consult good righteous persons before setting out on a journey, because Allah says, “And consult them (O Prophet) in affairs (of moment),” (Qur’an, 3: 159) and one of the characteristics of the believers is that “they (conduct) their affairs by mutual consultation” (Qur’an, 42: 38). Qatadah said, “Every people who seek the pleasure of Allah and consult with one another are guided to the best course in their affairs.” The traveller should also make istikharah and seek guidance from Allah.
    "Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi'ilmika. wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, wa as'aluka
    min fadlika al-azimfa-innaka taqdiru wala aqdiru, wa ta'lamu wala a '
    lamu, wa anta 'allamu-l-ghuyub.
    How does one pray Salat ul Istikhara?
    Salatul Istikharah is a sunnah of the Prophet (s). It is a prayer that one may pray if one must choose between permissible alternatives: it is two non-obligatory rak’at (that can be recited separately or in combination with the regular sunnah prayers or the prayer for entering the mosque [...] during any time of the day or night, and to recite therein whatever one wishes of the Qur’an after reciting al-Fatihah. After the two-rak’ats, one praises Allah and sends salutations to the Prophet sallallahu alehi wasallam and recites the following supplication which has been recorded by al-Bukhari in Jabir’s hadith (see full text below): “The Prophet sallallahu alehi wasallam would teach us al-istikhara for all of our affairs as he would teach us a surah from the Qur’an. He said: ‘If one of you is deliberating over an act, he should pray two non-obligatory rak’at and say:“O Allah, I consult You as You are All-Knowing and I appeal to You to give me power as You are Omnipotent, I ask You for Your great favor, for You have power and I do not, and You know all of the hidden matters . O Allah ! If you know that this matter (then the person reciting the du’a should mention the matter for which he is seeking Allah’s Guidance) is good for me in my religion, my livelihood, and for my life in the Hereafter, (or he said: ‘for my present and future life,’) then make it (easy) for me. And if you know that this matter is not good for me in my religion, my livelihood and my life in the Hereafter, (or he said: ‘for my present and future life,’) then keep it away from me and take me away from it and choose what is good for me wherever it is and please me with it.”
    The following hadith (referred above in Fiqh-us-Sunnah) is narrated by Jabir bin Abdullah about Salat-ul-Istikhara in Sahih Bukhari (volume 2, hadith number 263 and again volume 9, hadith 487):

    The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to teach us the way of doing Istikhara (Istikhara means to ask Allah to guide one to the right sort of action concerning any job or a deed), in all matters as he taught us the Suras of the Quran.
    He said, “If anyone of you thinks of doing any job he should offer a two Rakat prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after the prayer):
    ‘Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi’ilmika, Wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, Wa asaluka min fadlika al-’azim Fa-innaka taqdiru Wala aqdiru, Wa ta’lamu Wala a’lamu, Wa anta ‘allamu l-ghuyub. Allahumma, in kunta ta’lam anna hadha-l-amra (then the person reciting the du’a should mention the matter for which he is seeking Allah’s Guidance)
    Khairun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa’aqibati amri (or ‘ajili amri wa’ajilihi) Faqdirhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li Fihi, Wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hadha-lamra shar-run li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa’aqibati amri (or fi’ajili amri wa ajilihi) Fasrifhu anni was-rifni anhu. Waqdir li al-khaira haithu kana Thumma ardini bihi.‘
    Translation:
    Oh Allah! I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power; I have none. And You know; I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things.
    Oh Allah! If in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is good for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is bad for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it. And ordain for me the good wherever it may be, and make me content with it.
    Transliteration:

    Allahumma inni astakheeroka bi ilmik. Wa'astaq-diroka biqodratik. Wa'as'aloka min fadlikal-azeem. Fa'innaka taqdiru wala aqdir. Wata lamo wala-a lam. Wa'anta-allamul ghuyoob.
    Allahumma in kunta ta lamu anna (hathal-amra*) khayul-lee fi deenee wama ashi wa ajila amri wa'ajilah, faqdorho lee, wayassirho lee, thomma-barik lee fih. Wa'in konta ta lamo anna (hathal-amra*) sharrul-lee fi deenee. Wama ashi. Wa ajila amri. Wa'ajilaho. Fasrifho annee. Wasrifnee anh. Waqdur leyal-khayr haytho kan. Thomma ardini bih.
    When making the du'a, the actual matter or decision should be mentioned instead of the words "hathal-amra" ("this matter").
    After doing salat-l-istikhara, you may feel more inclined toward a decision one way or the other.

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