Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why is getting married and finding true love so hard

heart in hands, true love

Assalam O Alaikum!

I am 28 year old single male living in UK. I have a good job and earn enough to support my family.I have been trying to get married but couldn't, my parents are still not serious about it and I cannot hold myself chaste for long because it's very difficult for me as there have been several occasions when I was given clear signals from different girls (non-Muslim even though I try to put them off by acting silly but I don't know they still keep coming on me).

I offer prayer, read Holy Quran, fast and observe all other duties of being a Muslim. I used to love a girl M in Pakistan (it's more of a one sided love but somehow she know that as well, we never admitted to each other because I used to be very shy back then which I am still a bit). It wasn't a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship (we are both practicing and never met alone in fact I have never been in that kind of situation with any girl). Now, I have told my mother especially (as I don't really get along well with my father but I do respect him as my father) but she is stressing to get married to my second cousin H(her nephew which I know very well due to growing up together.She is Doctor and doing her practice, average looking, somewhat practicing).

My whole family especially my mother likes M very much and went to ask for her hand twice but they neither refused nor approved (Her mother, my second cousin, and her father both like me but M's aunt from father side also wants her hand for her son). Now, my mother often brings up the subject of marrying with my second cousin H but I think we are not compatible for each other. When I really lost hope, then I tried "Muslim Matrimonial sites" like "Muslimah" and "Single Muslim" etc. I have been to Marriage events as well but no luck. The problem is that I love that girl M so so much that I can't even think of anyone. I never wanted a Haram relationship because I always think of M and my sisters and other moral values, also I don't want to dishonour my parents or else.

Now I am 28 and not married, most of my friends are married(not jealous) but my parents are not serious yet as I am earning to pay for my younger brother and sisters. I don't mind doing that but then there is an age to get married but I don't know why my parents are testing my limits. Sometimes, I think I should get married myself here or in Pakistan without informing them but then I think of my mother who have had many difficulties bring up we brothers and sisters. I mean she sacrificed so much for us that at one point when we were only two brothers(our family order is 2 brother then 2 sisters and 2 brothers) that my nan asked her to hand us over to our father and get separated/divorced. I hope you can understand the circumstances when a mother herself tells her daughter to get separated especially in Pakistan. The reason was that my father has never took his responsibilities seriously up until now. And I have never asked my father from very young age of 20 for anything apart from shelter in our family house ( of which he used to remind me as a big favour when it was his duty being a father to provide us for shelter, food, etc).

My question is why is it so hard to get married these days when you have everything to offer and are serious, good looking, practicing, chaste. I mean only thing I never had was a girlfriend like casual relationship,don't flirt and I don't use chat-up lines. I find European/English/non-Muslim girls more laid back, friendly, etc but then I can't have relationship with them.I sometimes hate myself for being like that but then I always think of reward from Allah Almighty.

So, any dua's or any other help that brother and sisters might have for me.

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6 Responses »

  1. Walaykumsalaam Brother,

    What you are experiencing has unfortunately become the norm amongst our single Muslim brothers and sisters, mainly because our Muslim communities are drifting away from Islamic teachings and falling prey to culture. From my observation three of the main hold backs in your particular case are the following:

    1) Your parents and there lack of understanding: Some parents do not understand that as they have sexual/emotional desires, their children also have them - afterall they are human too and have passed the phase of puberty. But they want to ignore that their children could ever have those 'feelings', they must not be discussed, its embarrasing, brush it under the carpet, pretend that the children are super-humans with no sexual/emotional desire at all. This is wrong and unjust. Parents need to stop and realise that there are temptations all around us and it is so easy to fall and sin. They must start to face these subjects that have for too long remained a taboo in their cultures. By preparing their children to marry from an early age, they will be fulfilling a sunnah, protecting society from zina and fitnah and will help their children to flourish and enjoy companionship in a healthy and halaal manner.

    2) Your cultural customs of having lavish wedding parties: People place unnecessary burdens on themselves, by feeling they have to 'save money' so they can throw 'the wedding party of the year'. This is against the sunnah of Rasool(saw). Just have a simple nikah and walimah as the Prophet(saw) did, then there will be no financial burden and you will have gained the pleasure of Allah(swt).

    3) Your lack of communication: If you do not tell your parents how seriously you want/need to get married, they will never take the matter seriously.

    Brother, wanting to get married is nothing to feel embarrased about. There is no reason to go behind your mother's back, this is wrong and you would only be doing this because you feel embarrased talking to your mother openly about this subject. Its time you got over the embarrasment and dealt with this situation upfront as a confident young man. If you want to get married, start to brush up your communication skills, this is the best time.

    If you want to marry your cousin, get the ball rolling. Tell your parents that you are very serious about wanting to get married and that you are also serious about your cousin. Ask your parents to ask for her hand one more time - 'formally'. If you get no answer this time, then take it as a rejection, accept it as Qadr of Allah and move on.

    If you try to do things according to the Quran and Sunnah, i.e. cut out the financial wastage at wedding parties, look for a sister who is good for your deen and hereafter, give culture less importance, you'll find that you will attract many more proposals. Most importantly remember that your time will come when Allah wants it to. All you must do is 'make dua to Allah (inc. Istikhara), make the effort and then accept the outcome as His(swt) Will'. Allah will reward you for your effort, not the outcome, as only He(swt) is in charge of the outcome.

    "Our Lord! give us spouse and children who will be the joy( and the comfort ) of our eyes, and guide us to be models of righteous (Leader of God-concious people). " (Qur'an 25:74)

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ Editor

  2. Assalam O Alaikum Sister Z:)-
    Thanks for your lovely reply. I am looking for someone who will see my mother as her mother not as mother-in-law. What matters is how practicing she is, her career, social status or family doesn't matter that much. I now some sisters who are very practicing and have studied in reputed Islamic Institutes in Islamabad like "Jamia Hifsah" (I hope you know) and there is another institute which I can't remember the name but it also in Islamabad. Dilemma is that when a mother wants to marry her son then she will go for her looks, status, family etc not her character, religious know how, her attitude toward others.
    Another thing is that my mother thinks, I have to have my own house, have to give her dowry etc, which will cost a lot and in that case I have a long way to go in order to earn money for all that. You can say may be next 5 years which means I will be at least 33-34 when I get married. Like you said, this is Haram from religious point of view but is a cultural thing.
    Here question arise that why I give so much importance to my mother. I personally think, two women in every man's life play a vital role in his worldly/religious life and hereafter. First one is his biological mother, who he cannot change, in fact no one could and never will be able to change that until Judgement day. And, you know Masha Allah, what are the rights of mother. Also, mother is the first institute for any child, so she is a teacher too, anyone in the world can turn against you but your mother! no matter how you treat her, she will always pray for you.
    A wife, as Holy Prophet(PBUH) said; The best among men is the one who is best for their wives."
    You can elaborate this and it covers al most all the aspects of the marriage/relationship including wife's rights on husband and other dealings.
    Now, after marriage, you can't leave or neglect any one of them and commit sin. That's where the problem lies. My mother has said that, once I get married, I can leave the house and live with my wife wherever I want (she said that because she has seen the problems between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law otherwise she is masha allah very nice generally and wouldn't mind living with my future wife).
    So, I left that decision of finding a wife on my mother by saying; mother choose whoever you want and get along well but make sure that you know what you are getting into because directly or in-directly you will have to deal with her as you can't cut me off or I can't leave you parents. Now, she is taking long and I am running out of patience and that's where the problem starts. In my family it's normal for guys to marry late in mid to late 30's but then she will find a girl who will be way younger then me where there could be a lot of issues depending upon age gap. Also, my mother goes for looks, career, family background, status etc which doesn't matter to me at all because I have seen these things are not important at all in a happy, prosperous marriage while we now that this worldly life is a test and we should look for someone with a good religious knowledge, understanding, practicing etc.
    I hope you understand this:)-
    Wasalam Mks1982:)-

  3. Mks,

    You are fully aware of what your mother's requirements for your marriage are (i.e., that she be pretty of high status, careers etc and that you must own a house etc), yet you have still placed the important role of choosing a spouse on her shoulders. You speak about pleasing your mother, which is fine; so then why would you consider marrying behind her back? Will that not upset her? Surely its better that you simply speak up and convince your mother to lessen her requirements, tell her you want to get married now and cannot wait till you are financially independent. You are approaching 30 years of age and want to get on with your life. Or you can stay quiet and suffer in silence.

    SisterZ Editor

  4. I just replied to your other post, where you talked about the girl who is so obsessed with you and how you want to cut off contact with her. Now I'm just confused. I wish you had combined everything into one question.

    Anyway I agree with everything SisterZ has said. Communicate with your parents and tell them that you are very serious about getting married soon. Let them know how important it is to you. Ask their permission to find a wife on your own if they are not helping.

    Wael Editor

  5. Assalam O Alaikum sister Z and Brother Wael:)-
    Thanks for your beautiful replies, I spoke to my mother on this very serious issue recently and been discussing this for like half an hour on phone. I somehow convinced her that having my own house is not important. Apart from that I can afford a family financially Alhamdullilah, not only that I can support my parents and other family members after marriage. It's just that I am against dowry myself, and seen a lot of marriages where guys don't give much in dowry to the bride or their family and vice versa. In fact some of my practicing cousins got married this way and Masha Allah those sister-in-law are very happy and contented with what they have.
    Good news is that my mother has looking out for girl but she still hasn't given up on a few things in the departments of look, career, etc but Insha Allah as the time passes, I will convince her on those as well.
    If I would do anything on my mother's back, definitely this will hurt her as every mother would like to see their children getting married but what options did I have when she totally ignored, undermined my feelings or my situation, but now it's getting better Alhamdullilah.
    Wasalam Mks1982;)-

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