Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband keeps lying to me

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I am in desperate help for some marriage advice:

My husband keeps lying to me. We havent been married very long and early on in the relationship he broke my trust. Since then there has been ongoing lies. Lies about who he is going out with, where he is going, free mixing etc.

He can also be very aggressive and on a couple of occassions got very physical.

I have tried a number of times to forgive and forget, but he keeps lying. My parents are now involved.

- mastani


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15 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister mastani,

    May Allah bring all good your way soon and remove this distress from you.

    Pray to Allah as He says in the Qur'an:

    83. And Job, when he cried unto his Lord, (saying): Lo! adversity afflicteth me, and Thou art Most Merciful of all who show mercy.
    84. Then We heard his prayer and removed that adversity from which he suffered, and We gave him his household (that he had lost) and the like thereof along with them, a mercy from Our store, and a remembrance for the worshippers;
    85. And (mention) Ishmael, and Idris, and Dhul-Kifl. All were of the steadfast.
    - Surah Anbiyaa.

    41. And make mention (O Muhammad) of Our bondman Job, when he cried unto his Lord (saying): Lo! the devil doth afflict me with distress and torment.
    42. (And it was said unto him): Strike the ground with thy foot. This (spring) is a cool bath and a refreshing drink.
    43. And We bestowed on him (again) his household and therewith the like thereof, a mercy from Us, and a memorial for men of understanding.
    - Surah Saad.

    So calling Allah in distress helps a lot and brings you out of that situation. You have the words above, invoke Allah and seek His help.

    Regarding your efforts in this matter:

    1. Make yourself regular in prayers and reading of the Qur'an with meanings.
    2. Tell him, Islam forbids what he is doing and it is not right at all and she should fear Allah.
    3. Tell him, you want this marriage to work and you want peace of mind and trust and love and that you do not want to be in worries, mistrust and suspicion.
    4. Tell him, you are committed to him in truth and loyal to him, is he ready for it or not? Is he ready to make Allah a surety over what he says?
    5. Stay away from him, if he hurts you, harms you, avoid sleeping on the same bed, let him realize that he is hurting you, it is very important.
    6. If he realizes and makes efforts to improve, Alhamdulillaah, if he does not, do not worry.
    7. Get people from both families involved, try to work out a solution. If it works, Alhamdulillaah, if not, do not worry.
    8. When you know for certain he is cheating, lying and you cannot take this relationship further, seek seperation by divorce. It is no sin. Allah would give you better from His abundance.

    35. And if ye fear a breech between them both (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. - Surah Nisaa.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing. - Surah Nisaa.

    Read the Qur'an a lot (with translation) , do lot of Zikr of Allah, thank Him and remember Him much in adversity and in peace.

    I hope the advice helps you when put in to action and the question is answered to your satisfaction.

    Insha Allah, keep us posted with your life situation and Insha Allah, do not forget us.

    Salaam.
    Your brother,
    Munib.

    * * *
    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  2. Well sister,
    I'm also married and my husband lost my trust too. Men can be very secretive and I don't know why. My husband lies about a lot. I know he lies to me but I just go on with life. He's not the best husband he does a lot more. He lies, he doesn't spend time, etc. he made me fall out in love with him. Maybe telling your parents will help for a week or a month but I think he'll keep doing it. Just keep your head up and always have Allah in your min and pray. Try to sit him down and telling him that it hurts you. I really don't know what to say because my husband is worse then lying, tell him how haram that is. Tell him one day that you'll be the mother of his children if you already aren't. Tell him that you deserve a man that doesn't lie to you.

    • this message is especially for sister 'MUNCH' .
      I have the exact problem. my husband constantly lies. lies for every little thing, when there is no need to lie. for ex, i asked him, oh so when did you eat beans and eggs first time, even for that he lied. it hurts so much. and you can't create an issue everytime he lies, coz then you will not have a minute of peace.

      he also doesn't spend time with me. he is ALWAYS out. comes home very very late, around 2 or 3.
      it has reached to such a state , where he wants to stay in london with his brother and do business and i am staying on my own in west midlands.

      i always wonder , whats the point of living with a man like this. he is so charming and warm to people. so helping, considerate, polite, jolly. all the good attributes you want to see in a man. but as a husband , he does none of his duties. he is not even interested in lovemaking. huh, life. this is my 2nd marriage. no children from first as he was impotent. i stayed as a virgin for 5 yrs. left that marriage to find a better man, and :) huh, this is where i end up.

      my parents don't intervene much, as this is my second. and they feel, i can't b happy anywhere. i am always cribbing. there is so much more in my life, that is not right, but ................................

      married but single :)

      • Assalaam mu alaykum
        This was realli such nice answer you people gave and Wallahi may Allah reward you all and make easy for the sisters that going through all of these bad situations Ameen.

  3. Sister mastani, As-salamu alaykum,

    All the problems you have described are serious, but to me the most serious of all is the physical aggression. When a man is physically abusive, it precludes any possibility of discussion. You have a right to be safe in your own home. Your husband's job is to protect you, not to harm you.

    I suggest that you move back with your parents. Tell your husband that you will not return until he changes he gets anger management counseling. Be firm on this.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Dear Mastani, Asalaamualaykum,

    I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing.

    I'm glad you have involved your parents. The best thing to do is to lay everything out on the table and tell your husband what you expect from a marriage. Physical abuse, lying and unnecessary free mixing is definitely not on the cards.

    See where you go with the help of your parents and inshaAllah remember that Allah is the Most Merciful. Furthermore, that you are entitled to have a trusting and loving relationship in your marriage.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Well, it is a hard situation since you are his wife. It is not a matter of relationship where you have many choices, but here my recommendation:

    1- If the man is not satisfied with his family, I guess you can do some changes to make him enjoy his stay with you. For example, be optimistic and try to help him see the reality through you. You are his life, his trusted partner, and the mother of his children.

    2- More you turn to Allah, more you see the reward for having the patients. Life is too short and if he is not going to keep this game going on for too long. One day you will wake a way if he does not accept his family as the only Family to live with.

    3- Allah is watching him and you. Allah is testing both of you in different ways, be the winner and always do what pleases Allah.

    4- In some cases, you should face him with solid evidence. Tell him you know what is going on. Let us start over again. We should look forward and Allah will make every one responsible and accountable for his own acts.

    5- Involving family members not the best choice all the time, but it could be one of the last options if nothing working.

    6- Divorce is the last options if NOTHING working at all. But think 10 times before you get that point.

    Good luck

  6. Salaams.
    I have been reading this thread, although it is quite old i find myself in the same situation.

  7. To all of women and men whom are believers . I strongly disagree with lying period . And I know some hadiths allow to lie which it is crazy, and I frown upon that . If a man or a woman lies everything is possible i.e "cheating, etc" . And it is very sad that people have to live with someone who is a habitual liar. Is honesty something too hard to ask for "no". I have been married to a Muslim girl and engaged to another whom I broken up with due to lying. Once you brake that trust , your life would be horrible . We have one life to live , and I think we should live with someone who is honest. Currently I am in a relationship for the last 3 years . She is not religious , but has never told me a lie. What's not to like . I don't think Allah wants people to lie . Honest sets you free. I hope you find your courage and have an ultimatum either change or hit the road jack

    • Habil, you are absolutely right, we should not lie in Islam. I don't know what you mean that some hadiths allow lying. The Messenger of Allah (sws) condemned lying as one of the signs of nifaq (hypocrisy).

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wael, I think she's talking about this one:

        Muslim (32:6303) - "...he did not hear that exemption was granted in anything what the people speak as lie but in three cases: in battle, for bringing reconciliation amongst persons and the narration of the words of the husband to his wife, and the narration of the words of a wife to her husband (in a twisted form in order to bring reconciliation between them)."

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Right. Those are not lies intended to hide damaging sins or to harm. Those are what one might call, "sweet little lies". For example:

          Wife: "Honey, do I look fat in this dress?"
          Husband: "No dear, you look as beautiful as ever."

          Wife: "I burned the dinner, didn't I?"
          Husband: "Don't worry, it's still delicious."

          Or the other way around:

          Husband: "I'm sorry, the company is not doing well and we did not get any bonuses this year. I know you wanted a new dress."
          Wife: "No, not at all. I have plenty of clothes. The only thing I need is your love."

          Romantic, huh? :-) The point is that these sweet words - even when they are not 100% true - maintain harmony between husband and wife and bring comfort to the other person.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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