Mom is telling me to leave him alone, but I can’t
AOA everybody,
Hope you all are fine. Please help me, I am in much trouble. I love someone, and he also loves me. I am a student and he is 15 years older than me. We decided to marry 7 years ago, and we are still firm on our decision. Our relationship was hidden from all family members like it can be, as we knew that my family would never agree before my studies are completed.
Now unfortunately it has been revealed to my mother before that time, and she is very angry and not ready to listen to me anymore. I am requesting that she just meet him once. I really love him, I can't leave him, but her only demand is to leave him.
By the name of Allah, I can't live without him, but I also can't make any decision without my parent's consent- nor does he want me to. I am just begging my mother by admitting I did wrong, and asking her to help me solve it by making it halal. But she is saying 'no' and 'never'. I don't know what to do. Please help me and pray for me. Tell me any wazifa or dua, and reply with my answer as soon as possible, please.
-skydivers
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Salaams,
I'm not the greatest at math, but I'm going to try to do some here since you mentioned some numbers. He's 15 years older than and you've been secretly involved with him for 7 years. You're a student, and I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you mean a student in college/uni.
If you happened to be 22, which is the average age of someone who is about to graduate (meaning they've finished their studies for a Bachelor's degree), that means the man is now 37 or thereabouts. It would also mean you became involved with him at the age of 15, when he would've been 30. This is not sounding good.
Now, if you're not YET 22, that means he got involved with you at an even younger age than 15, perhaps even into pre-pubescence. That for sure is considered pedophilia, if that's the case....since he would have been well into his 20's by the time you were in grade school.
I tend to agree with your mother on this one. I think she is looking out for your best interests, while you are being guided by emotion and not wisdom. There is also a strong possibility you could've been brainwashed or groomed by him to feel this way about him, which might not have been the case if you hadn't known him at such a young age.
My strongest suggestion is for you to heed your mother's wishes and leave him alone.
I will only make one exception, and that's in the very remote case that you're a student who happens to be in your 30's or older. At the very least, late 20's. In that case, you are old enough to make your own decision and it will be evident he only dealt while you were already an adult. I would feel more comfortable with a scenario like that, but something in my gut tells me that is probably not the case.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
'There is also a strong possibility you could've been brainwashed or groomed by him to feel this way about him, which might not have been the case if you hadn't known him at such a young age'
Afetr reading this post, I have had the same assumptions as sister Amy. This sounds very sad and worrisome.
May Allah SWT guide and protect this sister
I agree with M and Amy. Google Stockholm syndrome. If hostages can develop feelings for their captors, then (in case u were 15, when relationship started) definitely a child could develop feelings for a charming manipulating pedophile.
OP: we are still firm on our decision.
Well when people start sleeping togather, it is just like getting married.
If you guys are firm in your decision there is nothing any one do accept agreeing with you.
Is the guy you are going to marry is Muslim too?
@SVS : Salaam.Bro/sis, did the OP mention anywhere that she was sleeping with the guy?Relationships don't necessarily have to have a physical element, they can be purely emotional as well.I apologize if I'm presuming too much, but I've noticed on more than a few posts that you tend to make such comments in a very crude style in your posts, even if the OP hasn't made any such reference at all.Forgive me if I'm wrong, but to me, such comments say a lot more about you and your mentality, rather than the OP.
Mystic: .Forgive me if I'm wrong, but to me, such comments say a lot more about you and your mentality, rather than the OP.
Why do you think Islam wants men to lower their gaze when they look at a woman? Why do you think dating is not allowed in Islam? Why do you think millions of girls get their organs cut in the name of female circumcision? Why do you think women are not allowed to eat out alone or drive a car in saudi arabia? Why do you think women are forced to wear burqa for protection?
Salaams,
SVS, you use that argument on a lot of posts, but it never proves anything. Genital mutilation, driving cars/eating out in Saudi, and wearing a full body cocoon (burqa) are not even islamic junctures. The governments and social entities that endorse these things are extreme. I don't know why you keep trying to use them as examples, when no one is going to agree that these measures are correct or necessary.
The point mystic is making, which is something I have also told you before, is that you need to STOP ASSUMING EVERYONE IS HAVING SEX ESPECIALLY IF IT'S NOT MENTIONED IN THE POST ITSELF.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam,
Well looking at it from an islamic point of view a girl is considered an adult once she has reached puberty. Which could be anywhere from 9 to 15. In many muslim countries girls get married at 12. And in some cases there is a huge age gap between the couple. So it wouldn't be uncommon for a muslim men to approach a teenager. He may prefer a young wife.
The haram aspect is that they had a relationship for 7 years. If he wanted to marry her then he should have asked for her hand straightaway. They could have had a nikah and moved in when her studies are finnished.
Sister skydivers,
If you've been with someone for 7 years you would be very attached to them. You will see their good and bad side. So you probably know what kind of person he is. But be because of his age he must have kept secrets from you. Such as he might be married by now and have kids. What if you are just the bit on the side?
You need to find out from a reliable source about his actual character outside of your relationship. Such as his family life, parents etc. Is he islamic? His character and manners with others etc etc.
If you are satisfied with his character ask him to come and ask for your hand. Ask your parents to investigate about his life and make a decision.
"So it wouldn't be uncommon for a muslim men to approach a teenager."
Sorry but this is ridiculous. If a man lives in a society where marriage to a much younger woman (even a teenager) is acceptable and common, then he should approach the girl's parents with a marriage proposal.
No adult Muslim men ever has any business approaching a teenage girl privately or secretly, under any circumstances. Any man who does so will have ulterior and nefarious motives.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam brother Wael,
I was talking about it in an islamic perspective. In the west girls below 16 or 18 are still a child. But in the Islamic context they are adult once they have reached puberty. So a man may approach then for marriage. In many muslim countries there are older men courting a 14 year old for marriage. But people can't say they are a pheodaphile, can they?
What would be the difference if a 15 year old boy approached her for relationship or a 30 year old? It will still be haram for BOTH of them to have a relationship with her regardless of their age. The 15 year old can have bad intentions towards her or the 30 year old. They can use her and then leave her irregardless of their age.
That's what I meant.
Assalaamualaikam
Regardless of ages, if a man wishes to propose marriage, he should approach the woman's family, and go through proper Islamic channels. Secret relationships aren't permissible, period, and in relationships with a large age difference, they set off extra alarm bells - as secrecy is a commonly used tool in sexual abuse. Without knowing details of the relationship between the original poster and the man she likes, we cannot say whether this is happening or not, but we can appreciate why her family may be concerned.
As Muslims, we are also advised that we should respect and adhere to the laws of the countries in which we live, so long as the laws are not un-Islamic. So, if there is a legal age limit for marriage and sexual contact (eg. 16 in the UK, 18 for marriage if the person's parents do not agree to the marriage), we should respect this.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalaamualaikam
There are several very valid reasons for your mum to be concerned.
Firstly, the age difference and the length of time you have known each other suggests that he may have acted inappropriately in having a relationship with you. Of course, we don't know your age or his age, but the fact that you are a student suggests that the relationship may have started at school - in this case, many countries have laws prohibiting sexual contact between an adult and a young person/child, and this man may have broken these.
There is, of course, precedent for marriages with age differences. The Prophet (peace be upon him) married Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) when she was young, but in this case, the marriage was not a secret, and he treated her and her family with great gentleness and respect.
In the world at the moment, there are sadly men who take advantage of young children and young women (and men in some cases) for their own lusts - it is entirely understandable for your mother to be concerned about the risk of this being the case, given the age difference, the presumably young age at which the relationship began, and the secrecy involved.
Secondly, the relationship has been kept secret for a long time - as well as being very disappointed that you kept it secret, your mum may well be very worried that this man was willing to be involved in a haraam relationship and keep it secret. This doesn't reflect well on his character at all, especially as, in the context of a large age difference, your mum may have expected a man of his age to be aware of the difference between right and wrong, and able to show you and your family respect by going through proper channels.
If your mum is adamant that she does not want to meet this man and your wali shares this viewpoint, rather than continuing to ask them to meet him, ask them why. And listen to what they have to say. Sometimes it can be hard to hear hard truths about our own situations, so it might help to think "what would I want them to say if this was happening to my best friend/sister?".
If this man truly respects you and Islam, then he should follow appropriate Islamic channels in seeking marriage, if this is what he wants. He can approach your wali with a proposal, and if the proposal is declined on grounds that are not valid in Islam, he can ask an imam to look at the situation and potentially mediate between him and your wali.
Islamically, this man is not mahram, so you should not be spending time alone with him; having a secret relationship with him is definitely not ok, and it's important to stop this and repent.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
If you are both
1- Honest and loyal about your relationship
2- if you both are sincere muslims.
3- if you both love each other.
tell your mother. There was 35 years of age difference between Prophet Hz. Muhammed and his second most loved (after Hatice) wife Aise. People can be happy with age difference. It is proved.