Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I contact the father’s family after all he has put me through?

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Please need advice and guidance; I came 6 year ago to USA to improve my career skills I met a Shia Muslim guy from Lebanon, we started dating which in my community is OK as long as there is not sexual contact to get to know the potential husband.

We liked each other and start caring about each other too. 
He knew I was a virgin by the time he wanted to be intimate with me, I was curious about his religion and I started asking him about it because I'm a strong believer. 
He convinced me about a marriage that God allows (mutah) and I was naive enough to believe him and trust his word. It had been almost a year after we met so I felt so in peace with this new religion that I was knowing and that every single event had a meaning finally for me (I’m talking about Islam, as I was a Christian believer).

I started to love Allah and the beauty of the religion. I accepted to be intimate with him, I felt protected in the name of God. At that time I didn't know mutah was haram. We started living together behind our parent knowing from our sin (huge mistake from me) he was always consulting everything with his mother and older brother, he hurt me several times when he told me things and then stepping back after talking to his mom because she used to tell him if you did not promise, you do not have to do it.

I took care of him as my husband, he even persuaded me to stop advancing in my career (which later he told me that I didn't advance because I was lazy). Once I tried to walk away from him and he stopped me.I got pregnant after 1 year of living with him. We were taking all precautions but it happened, and in my belief it is a murder to have an abortion, but for him was not as he told me. He convinced to do it by telling me that we can start all over again and make things right for us and our families if I have an abortion. He gave me some pills, and that same afternoon I was devastated. He told me that it is better that I suffer that his mother (I was blind and deeply in love with him, I was young and he has been the 1st man and only man in my life).

I regret every single day of my life what I did, I prayed and prayed and keep praying for the big mistake I did by having an abortion.

Because of a bad experience he had in the place he was getting his degree, he was kicked out of the program which left him with no option except to leave the USA. He told me he was a loser that I should leave him; I told him I was with him for good or bad. He made some arrangements to move to another country, and when he will be in there I should go with him.

First he went back to his country and he invited me to go there, I went to visit him but with lies he did not take me to see his parents. After the 1st Christmas apart he changed a lot.

His family, I guess convinced him that he was to come back to his country (I always told him it was OK with me). He moved to a new country and started working there, he invited me, and I went and visited him again and again. I always took precautions but once again I got pregnant. 
I told him and he was furious because he told me that his family wanted him to get marry to someone from his country. He treated me like garbage, he was very aggressive and told me horrible, humiliating things, like my kid would be a bastard, etc., etc. He even accused me of getting pregnant intentionally.

I finally told him I had a miscarriage because I could not go to be a murder again in my life I already suffer a lot for what I did, I told him that I rather live in hell in this life that in the other one. He believed me that I had a miscarriage. And finally let me alone.

I live by myself in USA whilst my entire family live in Central America, I never ever had again any other relationship with any other man in my life.

My entire pregnancy I spent it by myself in my apartment sometimes crying all night until I fell asleep, I had a high risk pregnancy, I had a surgery 10 years ago where they remove one of my ovaries, and I develop 6 fibroids, I went to the doctor to check on my baby growing fine and not being smash by my fibroids or checking that she was receiving normal blood flow in the placenta every week. When I was 7 months pregnant and because the doctor told me that I was close to be on bed rest, I told him that I lied to him and I was still pregnant, he told me he fell in depression and he started drinking and smoking and not taking care of himself.

After that he was supportive and he used to called me, he did arrangements to put his name on my daughter's birth certificate, he even told me that I can go and live with him for 2 years until my family accepted things because we wanted that my daughter will have the most normal life and as we knew we couldn't be together. He came out with a plan in telling my family that we got married a while ago but the last time we were together, we were getting divorced and that in fact that was what happened.

We were planning not to see each other again. 
I have a strong belief that I cannot destroy the father or mother figure to any kid no matter what and that later in life every kid will grow happy. So as I knew my family would be in closer contact to my daughter and I agreed with him in telling them that. Later, he told me than better if I just go with him and stay for the entire summer. Not the 2 years.

We agreed that he would not be at the birth of my baby to save that money and use it to go and be with him. My family came to help me a week before my daughter was born. After I came back from the hospital he called me and told me he did not wanted to know anything about me nor my baby, and that it is better if I took his last name away from the birth certificate.

I didn't contact him after this, I prepared everything to go back to my country to face my entire family, they all questioning me about him and his roll in my life with all those nasty comments, I kept myself strong and face all of them with a big smile, I took care of my new born by myself.

After almost the end of the summer he called me and convinced me once again that the best was to travel for the rest of the summer that my family and my social surrounding will see that he cares about his daughter, and me,  but my family was very against it. And they told me to wait until Christmas to go but he said the sooner the better. I went to see him.

After the summer we came back to reality. Almost close to December he went back to his country to check on his parents because they are old as he said, he stopped all communication for 5 weeks. One night I had a dream, that he got married, I found out he did, I talked to him, I'm not in love with him any more he was not a good man to me, but he did not do things right, he promised more things before getting married.

I confronted him about what would happen with my baby, he said he doesn't know that he does not plan to see her but maybe yes, I don't know what to do. I know the girl he got married to is innocent and I don't want to affect her, I know that later in life he will wake up and have that bad feeling of leaving his daughter and he will decide to see her because now he tells me to raise her telling her that he is dead.

What can I do? Should I tell his wife and parents and brothers or just cut all ties with him?  I know my daughter will ask me about him what is the right thing to do.

I have made mistakes I repent a million times for them now what to do, I cannot be sad I need to be happy for my little one. Please help me I need an advice, some words no one except me and Allah know what I have been living, I got this site I need some help.

~ Sister A


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12 Responses »

  1. Dear SIster,

    Everyone who visit's this site will offer a differing opinion...here is mine. Cut all ties with this man. He is a loser as he told you. He is not a man but a lying, conniving ungrateful coward.

    Move on with your life and don't look back. There are many amazing brothers out there that you can make a life with. You carried this child on your own and even gave birth to her alone. You don't need this man in your life at all. It seems the only thing he has given you is heartache and grief. May Allah guide you and give you the strength you need to make it through each day. You deserve so much better than someone like him.

    Salam

  2. DEAR SISTER,

    I AGREE WITH THE PREVIOUS SISTER,YOU HAVE TAKEN THE RIGHT DECISION,BECAUSE YOU HAVE THOUGHT IN THE PASSIVELY ISLAM HAS ORDERED IN SUCH SITUATIONS,YOU DO NOT DESERVE HIM AT ALLLLLLLL,
    I WILL ASK DUA INSHALLA FOR YOU TO SEEK A LOVING SPOUSE,

  3. Asalaam alaykum SisterA,

    Well, this is definitely one misguided male, and what he has done is both cruel and oppressive to you and your baby girl. It's a good thing however that his name is on the birth certificate because if he ever enters the United States again and works, you can have a court order garnish his wages for child support, but unfortunately, that is neither here or there.

    For the first few years, your child will not ask about her father, so you have some time to think about what you will tell her eventually. So this concern can wait for the time being.

    I think it is fair however, to his new wife that she know that her husband has a child. If she were to ever more to the States, she would find out once you seek child support from him. I encourage you to do that, because it is the right of the child to be supported by the father in Islam and in most countries. Anyhow, this woman deserves to know what she got herself involved in unknowingly and put yourself in her shoes. Wouldn't you want to have known how this man was beforehand? I think the answer is "yes."

    There is another sister on this website called Maria_us, who has gone through a similar story with a male from the Saudi Arabia. I am including her links here, so that you can read her story and find some solace with her since she is from Latin America, too. In fact, she is facing the very same dilemma that you are going through right now in telling his family, which you should do, as well. If his new wife and his parents are Allah (swt) loving and fearing Muslims, they will make him do what is right.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/how-to-tell-the-family-of-my-ex-boyfriend-about-my-son/
    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/pregnant-and-not-heard/

    Do not feel guilty about telling them though, because it is the right of your daughter to have financial and emotional support as best she can from everyone, especially her father. They may ignore you, but just make the effort because then you can stand in front of Allah (swt) and say, "I tried to do everything for her." It's just as much abut her and you, too.

    Also, the United States and Lebanon have many Shi'ite scholars who you could contact to advise you the best course of action to take and finding people who could assist you, as well. I think you should really try this avenue to get your child's rights duly honored. The largest Shi'ite concentration in the U.S. is in four places: Washington, D.C, Los Angeles, CA, Dearborn, MI and Houston, TX.

    From my understanding, you may qualify to receive charity money from their khums funds at one of their masjids, if you live near to one if you can get the alim to honor this obligation. Here is a link to one of their organizations that you should be use to find their centers across the United States: http://www.muslimcongress.org/contentmc/services/center-locator.aspx

    This time of year, Shias are really active in their masjids, so please make the effort to get there this week, if you can to talk to an alim. Do not despair if a phone number does not work, please visit one and I am sure someone can point you in the right direction. I know of a few Shi'ite Muslims who I communicate with and they may be able to help depending on the U.S. city, so please respond back.

    Alhamdulillah, it is so nice to see more sisters coming into the faith from Latin America, though I wish it was not filled with these bad experiences. Yet, I think that Allah (swt) has very good plans in store for your baby girl, wherein she can have a beautiful Muslim life, Insha'allah.

    I will say that for the Shi'ite interpretation of Islam, mut'ah is not haraam, but unfortunately, many men abuse it shamelessly. It is only supposed to be used as a last resort to avoid sin for them, but instead many people use it first without having a greater intention of seeking a long and permanent marriage. Yet, many people, Sunni and Shia, abuse Islam for very wrong reasons and hurt young new reverts/converts such as yourself. It makes me very sad that they impregnate you and leave you all alone, which is something that Ali ibn Abu Talib (as) never condoned.

    It is said in some narrations that when the Day of Judgment comes, and God spreads His justice across the land, some of the first people to die will be hypocritical Muslims. You would think that would keep all Muslims on the Straight Path, but mankind often does not heed the call of Islam.

    Again, please respond back and I will try to help as best as possible.

    • As Salamu Aleykum

      Thank you for taking the time to answer. I was not sure about filling for child support, before he got married he was happy to support my daughter now he gives me all kind of excuses and I needed some advice in that. I was thinking that if I contacted his family was a rude thing to do from my part because as a human I am good and bad and I didn't want those to interfere with the right thing to do, I need some help from someone outside my situation. I have to confess that I was upset, sad. I guess I didn't have a major depression during all these time because my faith is bigger that anything else, plus prayers do that amazing things happen. I don't want to take a decision base on my emotions rather than in what is the right thing to do with my daughter, but every time I keep thinking in her future and what I'm going to tell her about her father. I can contact him and his family, and the girl he married without a problem but is it the right thing to do, I fear Allah and believe in the life after this one and not because my mix feeling, I would be doing something not correct. I already told him I can not be talking to him because I don't believe in his words and I need written agreements, plus he is already married and that is not appropriate neither. But on the other hand I have my daughter who will be suffering just because of his bad decisions. I don't want to see him never in my life again but I can't talk about my daughter.

      I learnt about this site a year ago while I was struggling with my pregnancy by myself. I couldn't believe that in such a beautiful, straight forward religion there were people capable of doing these. Islam is a way of living gives you the answer for everything nothing is hidden not misunderstood. Everything has an explanation.

      Thank you again for you time and please keep my daughter and myself in your prayers, salaam.

      • Walaykum salaam,

        I don't think you made a mistake, honestly. You could only decide what to do with the information you were given and you trusted that he would do the right thing by you. You loved him and you were married under your understanding and his, so that's not a mistake on you. It's akin to if a new revert doesn't know how to perform wudu properly because they were shown incorrectly. Their prayers from that time are still valid, so they really didn't err. Don't beat yourself up over that. You're a good human being and Allah (swt) showed you the way to Islam because He loves you and wants you to enter Heaven to be close to Him. That's how wonderful and special you are. And think of this too: that Allah (swt) gave you a daughter because he wants your child to be in Heaven also and alongside you in this world and the hereafter. That's a very beautiful and incredible gift of life that you have.

        The reason I stressed the point that you were legally married under Shia jurisprudence, is because under their fiqh, your child is due certain rights. I believe that if you find one of their alims who is sympathetic to your plight, then they can at least help you secure a bit of proper access for your child and her well being. I know that they base their charity on issues like this, so it may be possible to gather regular and consistent funds through one of their more organized masjids. You didn't say which city you were residing in, but use that website that I listed to help yourself and your child. It may be only a small amount, but it also could provide you to get in contact with other women who are going through what you are experiencing.

        I found this online from a Q&A.

        Mut'a - Responsibility for child

        QUESTION: assalamu alaikum

        I had a question regarding Muta'a. I was wondering if you could explain
        to me about a man who enters a temperory marriage and a child is
        conceived as a result of that marriage. I am confused as to why a man is
        not responsible for that child and his expenditure as it's indicated in
        Ayatullah Sistani's risalah. Is that man considered the father of that
        child and what responsibilities does he bear towards that child if any.
        Thank you in advance for your time. Jazak Allah khair.
        wassalam

        ANSWER: Salaamun 'alaykum,

        Even in a temporary marriage, a man is responsible for the upkeep of the
        children resulting from that marriage. He has to provide provisions that he
        would provide for a child under a permanent marriage

        Liyakatali Takim

        So Iooked up this ruling and Shia scholar Ayatollah Sistani actually says this about the children of a mutah marriage:

        Q33) 1. In the Mutaa marriage, what happens in case the wife become pregnant? Is the baby given his father name? Is Nasab acknowledged?

        A33) 1. the child belongs to both man and woman and there is no difference between him and, other children of permanent.

        I think that if you talked kindly and honestly to his mother, if possible, then she will be inclined towards you. The Lebanses people can be very generous and helpful, and I pray that they will treat you respectfully and honorably. Yet, this is why I hope that you contact a Shia alim first, have him understand your situation and then he may be able to help you with contacting the family and father of this child. I have known various Shia Muslims and all of them have been wonderful people and Muslims. Sure, there is alays the bad apple, but that's in every group. And I think, that this man if he saw his daughter in pictures and in a video, would be confronted in the reality that he has an obligation to fulfill.

        Please keep in mind that this issue is about your daughter and how you can support and have her rights honored. In the Holy Qur'an is says:

        Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling. The duty of feeding and clothing nursing mothers in a seemly manner is upon the father of the child. No-one should be charged beyond his capacity. A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should he to whom the child is born (be made to suffer) because of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they desire to wean the child by mutual consent and (after) consultation, it is no sin for them; and if ye wish to give your children out to nurse, it is no sin for you, provide that ye pay what is due from you in kindness. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of what ye do. (233)

        So in gathering Qur'anic evidence of child support and using their fiqh to bolster your claim, Islamically, the father has rights to fulfill to the child. Legally, this should also be your course, but if he is living abroad, this will cause problems of getting child support for your child. However, it's important, both Isamically and under U.S. laws that you exercise your child's rights, because this is due to her and she cannot do it herself. I know it's an emotional roller coaster, but please think about doing this for her.

        Based on what I have said, this is what I would do if I was you.

        1. Go to a Shia masjid and see if you can find a woman counselor, a woman in position with da'wah or an active role in their community. Preferably an Arab dominant masjid where you may find Lebanese people. Try to gauge her demenaro and if you think she can help you, speak to her politely.

        2. Whether you find one or not, see if you can get in contact with a Shia alim who may be able to guide you in this process and help you secure fudning through their masjid khums or whatever funds they may have for charity.

        3. Contact your local State government to see about getting child assistance for your baby. They would be able to help you the most with getting funds, new mother advice, child support procedures, etc., etc.

        4. Contact the father and see what his attitude is now and tell him that you want to speak to his parents because you want your child to know her grandparents. If he balks, still proceed with contacting them no matter what he says, in fact.

        5. This is strictly up to you, but I would contact his wife. She has the right to know that her husband is legally and Islamically responsible for a child that she knows nothing about. This isn't meant to be about revenge but honoring her rights, as well.

        Honestly, there are a lot of good people out there who are ready to help you, some who will ignore you and some who will stand in your way. If you get the latter two, find someone else in your area or near to you. Keep looking. I know you'll find someone to help, eventually.

        If you were in a city within my network, we would definitely exhaust the avenues for you and I know other people who would, too, Insha'allah.

        I want you to know that you are not alone. There are Muslims who care about you and want to see your rights and your baby's rights honored. We all want to see you happy too, Insha'allah.

        It is our honor to pray for you and your baby, Alhamdulillah. Making dua for you is a gift for us, so rest assured that we will pray for you.

        Please let us know how we can help any further with advice or whatever you need. Please stay in touch, too. We want to make sure that you get all the help you need. Subhan'allah for you becoming a Muslim and having a precious Muslim baby girl, too.

      • Sister A,

        As professor X told you I'm exactly in your same situation, the difference are that my boyfriend is Sunni, we were not married, he is from Saudi Arabia, and i just have my son. When he left me after a long relationship i feel devastated, i still feel like that, but the smile of my new born give me courage to live in peace. While you are going through this situation you have many feelings and you are right, is not good to take decision when you are upset, mad, sad, frustrate, or whatever bad feeling. Like you I'm worried about the future of my son and of course he is going to ask about his father one day, and until now i don't know what i'm going to tell him because i don't want to lie to him and then he found out all was a lie. You have to think that your daugther would like to know everything about her father.

        I have been listening and reading many different advices... The half of the people will tell you "don't do it, raise your daughter and forget about him. Is his lost not yours and he is a loser" which probably is true. On the other hand, other people is going to tell you "fight for the rights of your daughter, tell his family and see what's going on" which is also true, just that in this case you are leaving the door open for your husband family to be part of the life of your daughter.

        In my case i decide to contact his family soon, not to make a big problem (I'm sure his family is not going to take this situation easy, maybe they will be mad, upset, etc, etc, etc, but i wish after all they choose to do the right thing) i just want to let them know that they have a grandson and then is up to them what they gonna do, be in my son life or just forget about him.

        After all the only one who know what is the best for your daugther is you... evaluate the pros and cons and then decide. In that way you are not going to live your life with "if's" (what would happened if I contacted her parents? and all that kind of questions. Myself i decide to let them know and Allah will control this situation. I just prefer to know early what to expect from them to don't hurt my son in the future.

        May Allah bless you and keep your mind clear to take a good decision.

      • Sister A, please take the time to go to this website http://abandonedchildrenbytheirsaudifather.blogspot.com/ Maybe you can get some help in there.

        Blessings

    • What an awesome, thoughtful answer.

      I agree with all the previous posters too, by the way. This guy is a total LOSER. And like I always say, being Muslim does NOT make the man, dig deeper before getting involved. Unfortunately I have met atheists who had more common sense, kindness and respect for human life than many Muslims.

  4. Selamun Alykum Sister,

    He's a shia Muslim? I guessed so. Most shia I met are very rude against us Sunnis I got scolded by them even when I smilled. K, let's get to the topic.

    He's aye, bad guy hunh? Tell you something. Both options have pros and cons.
    1)Cut ties with him
    Pros: You feel no more hradships from this Stupid Guy.
    Cons: You will soon see your daughter being sad without her father, which Mother wants to see sadness in her children?
    2)Tell his family
    Pros:You will regain justice of course, maybe. They might help you in raising the child too.
    Cons:His family might not help you, well they love their relative of course, your spouse.

  5. Thank you for taking the time, I have being in a very difficult situations, but still not as hard as others, and believe me I have regret every single mistake I have made in my life I used to cry and cry before, maybe I was depress too, but one day I left everything in Allah hands and I started praying and praying and as unbelievable as it sounds alhamduliAllah I am happy, I have the happiest baby girl ever, I see her and I melt and for her I want to do things right. I know I commit the biggest mistake in my life but still I feel bless, thank you brothers for your time and your advice, it fills my heart with peace to know that there are people out there who will be supporting others in need and who gave me a sincere advice, Salaam.

  6. Hi

    I can understand your situation, I am in a similar situation dont have a baby, but he is mean and ugly all the time

  7. Salam alaikum, Sister!

    I am deeply touched by your story and wish it never happened to you in the first place. Especially, at a time when you were getting to understand the true meaning and light of Islam.

    But alhamdulilah, Allah is in control and has reasons for all things. Please, you have every cause to thank Allah because he has been with you all this while and will never leave you. My prayers will be with you and your beautiful baby girl (a noble addition to the ummah!).

    I encourage you to support your baby yourself if you are working. But if you are not working, feel free to meet with the muslim community in your area. All muslims are one big family and they will gladly support you. It is also important that you inform her dad's family about her. If they support you, that is fine, but if they don't, ALLAH WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU! Please, care for her with every single beat of your heart and train her to be a good muslim. Don't worry about her future, ALLAH knows everything in HIS records!

    Finally, please I repeat, do not feel sad not even for 1 second. Hold fast to the rope of Allah strongly and ALLAH will be there for you. I am a student currently, but if there is any way I can assist you for ALLAH's sake, I will gladly help in my little way. But for now, I pray for you and your baby, and the muslim ummah in its generality. My regards to your baby. Please say Salam to her!

    Ma'salam!

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