Should I contact the father’s family after all he has put me through?
Please need advice and guidance; I came 6 year ago to USA to improve my career skills I met a Shia Muslim guy from Lebanon, we started dating which in my community is OK as long as there is not sexual contact to get to know the potential husband.
We liked each other and start caring about each other too. He knew I was a virgin by the time he wanted to be intimate with me, I was curious about his religion and I started asking him about it because I'm a strong believer. He convinced me about a marriage that God allows (mutah) and I was naive enough to believe him and trust his word. It had been almost a year after we met so I felt so in peace with this new religion that I was knowing and that every single event had a meaning finally for me (I’m talking about Islam, as I was a Christian believer).
I started to love Allah and the beauty of the religion. I accepted to be intimate with him, I felt protected in the name of God. At that time I didn't know mutah was haram. We started living together behind our parent knowing from our sin (huge mistake from me) he was always consulting everything with his mother and older brother, he hurt me several times when he told me things and then stepping back after talking to his mom because she used to tell him if you did not promise, you do not have to do it.
I took care of him as my husband, he even persuaded me to stop advancing in my career (which later he told me that I didn't advance because I was lazy). Once I tried to walk away from him and he stopped me.I got pregnant after 1 year of living with him. We were taking all precautions but it happened, and in my belief it is a murder to have an abortion, but for him was not as he told me. He convinced to do it by telling me that we can start all over again and make things right for us and our families if I have an abortion. He gave me some pills, and that same afternoon I was devastated. He told me that it is better that I suffer that his mother (I was blind and deeply in love with him, I was young and he has been the 1st man and only man in my life).
I regret every single day of my life what I did, I prayed and prayed and keep praying for the big mistake I did by having an abortion.
Because of a bad experience he had in the place he was getting his degree, he was kicked out of the program which left him with no option except to leave the USA. He told me he was a loser that I should leave him; I told him I was with him for good or bad. He made some arrangements to move to another country, and when he will be in there I should go with him.
First he went back to his country and he invited me to go there, I went to visit him but with lies he did not take me to see his parents. After the 1st Christmas apart he changed a lot.
His family, I guess convinced him that he was to come back to his country (I always told him it was OK with me). He moved to a new country and started working there, he invited me, and I went and visited him again and again. I always took precautions but once again I got pregnant. I told him and he was furious because he told me that his family wanted him to get marry to someone from his country. He treated me like garbage, he was very aggressive and told me horrible, humiliating things, like my kid would be a bastard, etc., etc. He even accused me of getting pregnant intentionally.
I finally told him I had a miscarriage because I could not go to be a murder again in my life I already suffer a lot for what I did, I told him that I rather live in hell in this life that in the other one. He believed me that I had a miscarriage. And finally let me alone.
I live by myself in USA whilst my entire family live in Central America, I never ever had again any other relationship with any other man in my life.
My entire pregnancy I spent it by myself in my apartment sometimes crying all night until I fell asleep, I had a high risk pregnancy, I had a surgery 10 years ago where they remove one of my ovaries, and I develop 6 fibroids, I went to the doctor to check on my baby growing fine and not being smash by my fibroids or checking that she was receiving normal blood flow in the placenta every week. When I was 7 months pregnant and because the doctor told me that I was close to be on bed rest, I told him that I lied to him and I was still pregnant, he told me he fell in depression and he started drinking and smoking and not taking care of himself.
After that he was supportive and he used to called me, he did arrangements to put his name on my daughter's birth certificate, he even told me that I can go and live with him for 2 years until my family accepted things because we wanted that my daughter will have the most normal life and as we knew we couldn't be together. He came out with a plan in telling my family that we got married a while ago but the last time we were together, we were getting divorced and that in fact that was what happened.
We were planning not to see each other again. I have a strong belief that I cannot destroy the father or mother figure to any kid no matter what and that later in life every kid will grow happy. So as I knew my family would be in closer contact to my daughter and I agreed with him in telling them that. Later, he told me than better if I just go with him and stay for the entire summer. Not the 2 years.
We agreed that he would not be at the birth of my baby to save that money and use it to go and be with him. My family came to help me a week before my daughter was born. After I came back from the hospital he called me and told me he did not wanted to know anything about me nor my baby, and that it is better if I took his last name away from the birth certificate.
I didn't contact him after this, I prepared everything to go back to my country to face my entire family, they all questioning me about him and his roll in my life with all those nasty comments, I kept myself strong and face all of them with a big smile, I took care of my new born by myself.
After almost the end of the summer he called me and convinced me once again that the best was to travel for the rest of the summer that my family and my social surrounding will see that he cares about his daughter, and me, but my family was very against it. And they told me to wait until Christmas to go but he said the sooner the better. I went to see him.
After the summer we came back to reality. Almost close to December he went back to his country to check on his parents because they are old as he said, he stopped all communication for 5 weeks. One night I had a dream, that he got married, I found out he did, I talked to him, I'm not in love with him any more he was not a good man to me, but he did not do things right, he promised more things before getting married.
I confronted him about what would happen with my baby, he said he doesn't know that he does not plan to see her but maybe yes, I don't know what to do. I know the girl he got married to is innocent and I don't want to affect her, I know that later in life he will wake up and have that bad feeling of leaving his daughter and he will decide to see her because now he tells me to raise her telling her that he is dead.
What can I do? Should I tell his wife and parents and brothers or just cut all ties with him? I know my daughter will ask me about him what is the right thing to do.
I have made mistakes I repent a million times for them now what to do, I cannot be sad I need to be happy for my little one. Please help me I need an advice, some words no one except me and Allah know what I have been living, I got this site I need some help.
~ Sister A
Tagged as: abandoned, betrayed, fatherless child, hurt, let down, lying man, mistreated, mutah marriage, pregnant alone