Islamic marriage advice and family advice

About to convert to Islam, but lost my Muslim boyfriend

Heartbroken, broken heartSalam,

I've been dating a Muslim man for almost 3 years. I was brought up Christian, but I have been interested in learning about Islam. We are colleagues and used to work together as friends. When i was transferred to a different location, our friendship grew into a relationship.

While i was falling in love with him, i had already begun going to Islamic classes to learn more about the religion. He proposed to me 2 months ago and we agreed that he would be one of my witnesses for my conversion. My mother and grandmother aren't very happy with me converting, but they agreed to meet him and have somewhat approved of the marriage.

Unfortunately his parents refuse to meet me. They have even told him to choose between marriage to me and them. If he were to marry me, he will not be welcome in their house even though we as a couple are currently saving up for both our marriage and his parents' Hajj.

I told him to choose his parents even though being with him makes me happy and safe. I would rather he hate me as a friend then resent me as his wife for asking him to choose me.

A month after this convo he is still texting me and i don't know what to do. My conversion appointment is next week and i have asked two other close friends to be my witnesses instead.

I still love him very much and i am unable to forget him, especially since we do see each other at work once in a while.

- Tara


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3 Responses »

  1. As-salamu alaykum sister Tara. You have not received good advice here so far.

    Frist, did you proceed with the conversion? How did that go? And how are you doing with your deen (Islamic way of life) now? I would love to hear more about this.

    Second, it's time to let this man go. I realize that you have feelings for him, and that it's partly because of him that you came to Islam. Alhamdulillah for that.

    You know what, if I met a good woman, and I had genuine feelings for him, I would put my foot down with my parents and say, "This is the woman I am marrying. Please accept her and welcome her." And I would go ahead and marry her no matter what, and trust that my parents would come around.

    This man doesn't have the guts to stand up for you, nor the heart to commit to you fully. On the other hand, he also doesn't have the courage to break it off with you. Instead he's leading you on by sending texts, getting your hopes up. Basically toying with you, even if that's not his intention. He's a coward.

    Let him go, and in time your feelings will pass and you can find someone better who will commit to you 100%, inshaAllah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. May Allah reward you for converting to Islam and make you strong upon the religion. I understand both your concerns, I hope things will become easier for you. Be strong sister, because everything in life is a test and Allah says in the Quran that perhaps there is something that you like that you may seem is good, but Allah does not find it good for you and perhaps there is something that you do not like and you see it as bad, but Allah sees it as good for you and Allah knows and we do not know.

    I would try to keep in touch with him and maybe eventually there family will bring you in, only if Allah find it good for you. Keep making supplication and look up something called Istikhara, its a prayer and supplication to Allah to guide you to that which is best for you.

    Hope this helps sister.

  3. Asalaamu Alaikum,

    I pray the peace and Blessings of Our Merciful Lord be upon you. I myself was in a similar scenario. But as the male in the picture, my wife who became Muslim had some fallout between her family initially who strongly opposed. My family were indifferent, leaning towards opposition for our marriage.

    In my case, I put my foot down, told my family that I am marrying her, arranged the wedding and Alhamdulilla (Praise be to God) they attended and the wedding was great aside from her family missing from it.

    Fast forward several years, her family have been won over and we are on talking and visiting terms and my family absolutely adore my blessed wife (I love her to bits). And children soften hearts of parents a lot. I guarantee you that if your 'boyfriend' put his foot down, his family wouldn't shun him, and rather once they learn in a few years that they have grandchildren, they would welcome him with open arms. He needs to man up if he wants to be with you and yes, upsetting your parents/mother isn't good in Islam but when the parents have issues that aren't valid reasons, obeying them isn't necessary.

    He will never resent you as a wife, rather the issue here is educating his parents that Islam is for everyone.

    I pray things work out for you both In Sha Allah.

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