Can my husband divorce me because his mother required it ?
His mother won't stay out of the picture
Salam aleykum sister, may Allah bless you and put blessing over ur family!
I am convert to Islam for 3 years and I have a big problem with my mother-in-law. We had issues over broken things that she says she cannot be replaced ever. She regards these things as naama from Allah subhana wa Taala and she accused me of many things with hatred towards me, exaggerating stuff and saying I stole from her and that I am irresponsible. I will tell u more about my situation.
I am not currently living with my husband and I feel very sad, despite being happy with the Qadr of Allah. I do not mind anything, I am aware that I am a human being and that I commit sins and mistakes as everyone else . But I object at the way my mother-in-law has attacked me, and blamed me for things that I haven't done and over how pricey her stuff was.
She spoke very severely to me and I felt my heart and my mind very affected. I am not a bad person to hurt anyone intentionally, but she told me this wasn't enough of an excuse that I shouldn't break anybody’s things and that if I did (break them) then that is enough reason to talk severely to a person and to call him kufar and step on her shoulder and her head.
My husband divorced me and left me because she has had cried to him saying I had abused her goodness! I feel much more abused myself, although I never said this to anyone. If I give sadaqa and gift to anyone I don't use it to remind others and in order to say “I am the best”, I haven’t had this self confidence and my husband told me I behave like queen and that I should be punished emotionally and that he and his mother do not want to forgive me and will hold this against me in the day of the judgment!
I feel very depressed because I care about this from my heart! They do not recognize anything good I have done to them and helped them with! My mother in law said she was the nicest person to me and that I could never find a husband as good as her son. I do not know why I feel so emotionally hurt from their words, I feel so bad ! I wish Allah to forgive me but I am accused and it is final!
Can my husband act like this in such situation and warn me with divorce and then divorce me and leave me alone without any dowry or anything that he gave me to help my life as a divorcee? I do not want my son threatening people like this and I do not want them to influence him in anyway against me since they think they are perfect and do not have even a little humbleness in front of Allah!
- Yasmin_86
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Salaam my sister,
I am sorry for the sense of loss that you are feeling right now.
Your husband has the right to divorce you if he feels that there is no chance you will be able to leave in peace, mercy and justice with each other. But before resorting to divorce, he should find a way of reconciliation and only after trying and concluding that there is no way you will be able to live in peace and mercy together, then he may divorce you by pronouncing "I divorce you" to you.
There is a surprisingly common phenomenon between mother in law and wife unfortunately, and your husband was not able to differentiate between his role as husband and his role as son. He has made a hasty decision to divorce you to appease his mother, when really he could have stepped in and defended you. Instead he has disciplined you and made you a scapegoat for the problems in the home. This is a very easy way of solving a problem: to blame everything on one person and then be rid of them. Yet, a sincere Muslim would be gracious even in divorce:
Allah commands men to divorce their wives in the best possible way: "When you divorce women and they are near the end of their waiting period, then either retain them with correctness and courtesy or release them with correctness and courtesy" (Quran 2: 231)
Regarding financial security: “For divorced women Maintenance (should be provided) on a reasonable (scale). This is a duty on the righteous....” (Quran 2: 241) ” so your husband should make sure that you have some provisions and security. He cannot take his gifts back from you unless you willfully return them.
I understand that you feel depressed, naturally you feel a sense of loss and defeat which is very natural in this situation. This is because you have not correctly identified the problem in this relationship - seeing the mother, or your clumsiness as in some way responsible. Actually, the reasons that have affected your relationship with your husband is in your husband, who has not yet managed to stand up to his mother and defend you against her, or...upon discovering that there were problems between you and his mother and the way you were living under the same roof - he should have found another place for you to both live. Your mother-in-law has placed material possessions above mercy,tolerance and understanding - she has behaved with pride and arrogance and that means that she is ultimately the loser. Soon, her son will become restless, resentful and angry in the house when he begins to miss you. At the moment he has reacted quickly and harshly with anger, but when that anger cools down he will realise that these valuable and expensive items cannot replace the love of a good woman.
The best way for you to recover is to accept that your husband and his mother place material possessions above all else, and the way to teach them their wrongs is to be very happy in yourself and in your life even without expensive items. The harsh words that she said to you are meaningless and inaccurate. Her words are toxic arrows designs to hurt you: so do not be hurt and feel hurt by this. She has chosen her possessions over a human, so naturally you cannot expect any good words to come out of her. It is difficult to defeat the pain we feel when someone attacks us with horrible words - but sometimes we have to just get tough and take those harmful words and put a "you can't hurt me" sticker on them and then throw them in the bin.
Get strong and determined in your refusal to be hurt by such a horrific mentality. Your mentality of humbleness and goodness is better and stronger than any sentence which complains of material loss, so don't even think about being hurt by it. Its incorrect and false - the end.
Meanwhile, note that those who love objects and material things will never find happiness - because once you have invested all of your happiness in an object, it breaks and fall apart and you are left miserable and upset. Better to have no love at all for objects, but instead love Allah and the good qualities and characteristics that he asks of us.
Remember, “For divorced women Maintenance (should be provided) on a reasonable (scale). This is a duty on the righteous....” (Quran 2: 241) ” - alert your ex husband to this in peace, good nature, harmony and refusal to argue. Instead be kind, be nice, be happy in your manner when you speak with him and do not shed a tear in his presence so that his pride and arrogance is not fed by your neediness of him.
InshaAllah, there is a good man inside him who will respond to his duties as a Muslim and he will make sure that you are OK, and inshaAllah there is strength inside you to not bow down to these people and not give them the worship they are demanding from you.
Peace,
L
asalamu alaikum,
hi how are you? hope you are doin well. ok after readin i can understand your situation, the biggest mistake you made is marryin a scum like him. some mother in laws are like that the evil, devious type, they love to cause arguments. and they use their son to complain to when the wife is doin somethin wrong.
the mistakes you did cant really be considered mistakes cause theses minor things happen, even i made big mistake to my mother in laws house which she got as a gift from her late father when she got married like 40yrs ago, when i burnt half of her kitchen down 🙁 now if the mother in law flips its understandable, but in your situation irs nothin major.
if your husband divorced you over your petty mistakes, and cant differinciate between right and wrong then he must have been deprived of oxygen at birth.
sis theres plenty of good brothers out there so dont waste your time, they aint worth the trouble.
ma salama
You are hurt and feeling betrayed. I commiserate with you similar thing happened to me.
Sister leyla and Brother Ahmed are very right. But you can only ask your husband and you have no control over what he does after that. It is up to him.
....he and his mother do not want to forgive me and will hold this against me in the day of the judgment!
What a pity these two people want to live rest of their lives angry and mad about some material possesions that they cannot even take with them on the day of judgement. This is not an Islamic thing to say. Allah is very forgiving and merciful and expects his people to follow the same.
Where ever you are I send you peace. If you can type an email I believe you are net savvy and have access to some services. Please see if you can talk to some professional counselor to work with you to initiate your healing.
I sought help from these posts, they helped me understand how and what happened. Then I started seeking counseling and looking for job opportunities. Now I am working part time and my self confidence is returning. Also, please do some excercise and look after your health because it is very easy to slip into depression under such circumstances.
I'll be praying for you,
Peace
Divorce will always lead to depression and anger towards the other party. As much as possible avoid divorce;'*
Assalam Aleikum sister,
what your husband did is totally wrong....his mother gets a very big sin. I'm sorry that you have come to islam and experienced a big shame. Causing a divorce is one of the biggest sin in islam. You and your mother in law are not required to live together. He could have separated you both in order to keep peace. You could live separate from in laws. Islam does not require you to serve her. I also have a bad mother in law, luckily we don't live together. She told my husband she is waiting for him to divorce me but he ignores her and just does his bit as a son to her. Your husbamd has a responsibility to you as a wife. His mother does not have that right over him, especially not to make him divorce you. We are meant to listen to our parents but we should not listen to them if they tell us to do things that a haram. How can we please our parents and upset Allah.
They will also get sins of showing you a bad example of muslims. As a muslim, even if she doesnt like you she should tell her son to take you and go live away together in order to have piece and not complain over broken things and stolen things. Sister you have done nothing wrong. Alot of these people don't know about islam, if they did they wouldnt do such a thing.
A woman in islam does not even need to cook and clean for her husband, if she does it its because of her own will and he should appreciate it.
It's his loss, you get on with your life.
Salam Yasmin ;
I thought i'm totally alone dealing with this, I live with my mother in low too , and my husband is in another country for work,
we keep having arguments over little things and as when i complain about it he do nothing but when she do he go directly to divorce, today we had another one and i can't live like this when every time he will threaten me with divorce, he said if i can't live in peace with his mother then he don't want me, we have been married only for 7months and lived together just for two months, i married him for love i left my own country my parent my friends even my profession for him, the thing is that the next day everything goes back to normal between me and his mother ,its a good thing to be a good son, but don't chose between your mother and your wife you can't do this respect her but don't divorce me just because i don't agree with her ,
it hurts so much that he is welling to giving me up just for such thing, I'm a good Muslim that want to please her husband and support him in good and bad , i know divorce is bad thing , but should i say yes to him i can't live in such unstable life 🙁
how are you doing its been two months ,
what should i do please help me
Divorce is usually the end of a good relationship, every couple should avoid it:':
Assalamu Alaikum,
I have a similar situation and I feel very much for Yasmin, but I think she is a lot younger than me and maybe when she reads my story she will fee a bit releaved, because mine is a lot tougher...I am married for 6 years now and was once divorced with one son and my current husband was once divorced with 2 kids (boy and a girl). When I remarried to my present husband I had to switch the custody of my only child who was 9 years old at that time to his father because my husband had a 6 years old girl and a 9 years old boy and that his mother told me that there will be a lot of problems if my son will be living in same house with my husband's kids and because that that what our Islam says that he goes to his father once I remarry, so I gave custody to my only son to his father and this was my biggest mistake. Anyway, I made this sacrifice because I wanted to get married and because I am with no family here in the US, so I wanted to belong to a family as I was getting very lonely. The issue later got more complicated because right after we got married I came to realize that my husband's mother is a control freak and controls everything about my husband's life and he can never stand up for himself and take charge of his own issues, so she asked him many times to divorce me simply because she did not like me as I refused to be her slave, and she keep putting in his mind that he does not need a wife since he has got her and his kids. My husband for sure knows that I did not do anything to deserve that and that I am a good moslem woman and I fear Allah(SWT) so he is hesitant to divorcing me, but he always creats problems because of his mother's manipulation and sometimes I feel that he pushes me to the edge thinking that I would get fed up and go initiate the divorce. I am living in constant threats by his mother demands. Now my situation is that for the past 4 years she convinced him to take his kids (a boy 16 and a girl now 12) from their own biological mother to live with him and of course her. And he did what she wanted! We are still married but he lives with his mother and his kids in another state and visit with me 4 days a month. That sounds abnormal, but it is the truth! He says that his kids and mother needs him more and claims that the kids are still minors and am an adult and can take care of myself. I work and take care of my expenses but many times I feel very lonely and the reason I am still married is because I love my husband very much and hate the idea of divorce. Also I am taking all this humiliation because I am 50 years old now and my chances to remarry will be very slight and does not wish to be a divorced woman for the 2nd time when it is not my fault. My husband is totally excommunicating me from his life with his kids and his mother and says because he does not any problems to occur between me and his family. I don't know what to do and being very patient although I feel very humiliated, bitter and hurt. I just want to seek some advice from wise people out there. My question is ...Is it haram or halal to live like this forever while my husband has another seperate life? Also do you advise me to divorce knowing that this situation will never change? I have tried and talked to my husband many many times and over and over to feel some remorse and correct this situation but in vain. So I know that nothing that I can do to change the situation and he does not want to take me to the other state where he and his family are living. Thank you so much for the time you spent reading my proplem. And for Yasmin I say....you are not alone! Jazakum Allah khair
Assalamu Alaikum,
I have a similar situation and I feel very much for Yasmin, but I think she is a lot younger than me and maybe when she reads my story she will fee a bit releaved, because mine is a lot tougher...I am married for 6 years now and was once divorced with one son and my current husband was once divorced with 2 kids (boy and a girl). When I remarried to my present husband I had to switch the custody of my only child who was 9 years old at that time to his father because my husband had a 6 years old girl and a 9 years old boy and that his mother told me that there will be a lot of problems if my son will be living in same house with my husband's kids and because that that what our Islam says that he goes to his father once I remarry, so I gave custody to my only son to his father and this was my biggest mistake. Anyway, I made this sacrifice because I wanted to get married and because I am with no family here in the US, so I wanted to belong to a family as I was getting very lonely. The issue later got more complicated because right after we got married I came to realize that my husband's mother is a control freak and controls everything about my husband's life and he can never stand up for himself and take charge of his own issues, so she asked him many times to divorce me simply because she did not like me as I refused to be her slave, and she keep putting in his mind that he does not need a wife since he has got her and his kids. My husband for sure knows that I did not do anything to deserve that and that I am a good moslem woman and I fear Allah(SWT) so he is hesitant to divorcing me, but he always creats problems because of his mother's manipulation and sometimes I feel that he pushes me to the edge thinking that I would get fed up and go initiate the divorce. I am living in constant threats by his mother demands. Now my situation is that for the past 4 years she convinced him to take his kids (a boy 16 and a girl now 12) from their own biological mother to live with him and of course her. And he did what she wanted! We are still married but he lives with his mother and his kids in another state and visit with me 4 days a month. That sounds abnormal, but it is the truth! He says that his kids and mother needs him more and claims that the kids are still minors and am an adult and can take care of myself. I work and take care of my expenses but many times I feel very lonely and the reason I am still married is because I love my husband very much and hate the idea of divorce. Also I am taking all this humiliation because I am 50 years old now and my chances to remarry will be very slight and does not wish to be a divorced woman for the 2nd time when it is not my fault. My husband is totally excommunicating me from his life with his kids and his mother and says because he does not any problems to occur between me and his family. I don't know what to do and being very patient although I feel very humiliated, bitter and hurt. I just want to seek some advice from wise people out there. My question is ...Is it haram or halal to live like this forever while my husband has another seperate life? Also do you advise me to divorce knowing that this situation will never change? I have tried and talked to my husband many many times and over and over to feel some remorse and correct this situation but in vain. So I know that nothing that I can do to change the situation and he does not want to take me to the other state where he and his family are living. Thank you so much for the time you spent reading my proplem. And for Yasmin I say....you are not alone! Jazakum Allah khair