I am a doctor he is dentist, I am ashamed
"I don't know if a dentist is good enough for me"...
salams,
may Allah reward u all for the holy work every one here is doing..
I am a 26 yr old sister. A year back, i was engaged to my relative, he is a dentist by profession and a very good religious guy. My parents were really happy about it, the long period of engagement was due to the ill health of my grand father.
I was very happy initially since all I wanted was a religious and polite man with a good family background and reasonably settled.
A few months from now after seeing my friends and cousins getting married to wealthy and good looking men I have started to feel very inferior on myself, sufferred from severe inferiority complex and i am not able to even tell anyone i am engaged, don´t know how to adjust to the situation.
Another problem is his english conversation skills which is very poor, each time i see my friends getting married i compare those guys status and education and feel inferior. i am a gynaecologist and i feel marrying a dentist is not on par with my profeession.
Sometimes i feel i am very selfish and retarded, since these were not my criteria in the beginning.
I prayed isthikhara in the beginning and found it positive but i dont understand if i should change my attitude or stop this relationship, since my parents have found many good proposals and on careful questioning found those boys were not of good character, so i am not able to stop it fully out of my mind, so can anyone please kindly advise me what to do.
inshaallah may Allah bless everyone and help you guide me.
jazakallah khair
23 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Sister Asalaamualaykum,
I think as you said, these thoughts are stemming from your own inferiority complexes and not necessarily because there is anything wrong with the man you are engaged to. If this man is a striving Muslim, has a good character, you connect with him mentally and are attracted to him, he has a stable job and your parents are happy with the marriage - then what is bringing on your confusion? This man not only has a stable job, but is a dentist.
I think it would do you good to take some time out to assess what you want out of a marriage and your life. Is it status and fame or is it a happy relationship based on deen and piety?
Ultimately, if you cannot take these thoughts out of your mind, then break the engagement, as you should not marry him just because you feel guilty, this would be a recipe for disaster. At the same time, the guy does not deserve a wife who is ashamed of him. I would stress though that before you make any choice, you re-connect with your deen and think about your purpose in life in relation to the Hereafter.
Do read this article if you can, I think you will find it useful inshaAllah:
http://www.wefound.org/texts/Ideal_Muslims_files/herhusband.htm
May Allah guide and inspire you to making a good choice, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sister.
Out of interest, which country do you live in? Perhaps it is different elsewhere, but I assure you, dentistry in the UK is a well respected and very well paid profession, and I know many people who have tried and failed to get offers from universities to study it since it is such a competitive and oversubscribed course with very high entry requirements. It takes 5 years to study for it here, so it hardly implies dentists are 'uneducated'. I understand that it may seem less 'worthy' than medicine (ie. not 'saving lives' as such), but it is nonetheless a stable, well earning profession with a good status and nothing to be ashamed of in the slightest. At least, not in the UK, and not, I would suspect, in the US or Canada either, but I cannot speak for anywhere else in the world.
What careers do the husbands of your friends and cousins have that are of such high status? And more to the point, why does it matter if your fiance is of good character and pious?
I understand that people get inferiority complexes, and since you are heading into marriage, a very big, life changing thing, you are bound to feel nervous about things and second guess yourself, but you've even said, he is a good, religious man and someone who your parents thought would be a good match for you and you were happy with the engagement. It is understandable that you are nervous about announcing your engagement as I said, marriage will be a big change to your life, but the chances are, your friends will not view you or your fiance as inferior at all, and perhaps once you realise that, and once you get it out there you might be able to relax and be more secure in your choices.
As SisterZ has said, you need to think about what you actually want from marriage, is it glamour or a good relationship with a man who you connect with, and one who will keep you on the right path
All the best and may Allah guide you.
Asalamoalaikum sister,
SisterZ and AJ have given you excellent responses. I just wanted to add like AJ stated that dentistry in the West is a very respectable profession and in Canada and USA it takes about 8 years (4 years of undergraduate study) and 4 years of specialization, intern, etc to become a dentist. They pay scale is also very good, in some cases exceeding general physicians so I was rather confused when you said that you feel an inferiority complex due to his profession. Either way if you are feeling so unhappy then like sisterZ said you need to evaluate what you are truly seeking in a marriage.
-Helping Sister
I think you're not good enough for this man, I don't think with your thinking you deserve any good and righteous man. Clean yourself up woman, because this man will find happiness be it with you or anyone else. As for your so called friends who have good looking and educated husbands good for them, but do you know what is said of women who go for those things in a man? Later on they often end up miserable once the honeymoon period ends.
However those people who look for someone they are attracted to internally and externally, like their imaan and also their family background and upbringing as a pose to their education, well those people are much more happier and for their entire lives.
I know many men out there who refuse to marry educated women because of the attitudes shown by some of them, you're the perfect example. You'll find educated men aren't that fussy or even bothered about their wives education. Often a man with a Doctorate if he marries someone with basic schooling, he'll be as proud and happy as anyone.
If I could, I would tell this man not to marry you, he deserves someone better, someone who isn't ashamed of him.
Just for the record, my personal experience of both doctors and dentists. When I had a toilet problem it took 3 months and the doctor still didn't find a solution, in the end I did the research myself and Alhamdulilah got back to normal health by using my own methods to cure myself. I had a severe dental cavity about 4 years ago, extremely painful, to the extent I wasn't sleeping even 5 mins. After 4 days of excruciating pain went to the dentist, without any questions or time wasting, my cavity was removed and after a little while, the temp tooth covering was replaced by a proper cap. So I have far greater respect for dentist, opticians and the like than I ever do for doctors. A lot of them are so stuck up that they forget they are paid to help patients.
As for anyone else who replies to me by saying I'm being harsh and judging her etc, I'm telling it as it is and deep down most of you will agree if the brother is a practising one with a good imaan, he deserves better than this female.
Just wanted to add caused I missed adding this poing, the doctor kept saying I was wrong, in the end what happened is a patient completely loses faith in doctors and in future instead of going to a doctor, I'll ensure any problems I have I fix themself, can't be bothered waiting on stubborn doctors who think they are perfect and know everything.
salams
Wasalam, sister vagabond,
There is an interesting post with inspiring comments that you may like to read,
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/think-nobody-likes-me/
I may repeat myself, but you deserve to listen to it, your Beauty lies on your Heart, the problem here is that you have been so hurt for people that was supposed to love you, that the wounds of suffering don´t let you see the precious jewel you are, Alhamdulillah. Those wounds have created a cloud of negativity that doesn´t let you see what is there for real, sister, let yourself shine, smile and be splendorous, you have to acknowledge your own beauty.
This Beauty that comes from your Heart tells you, Alhamdulillah, I have a perfect body to fulfill my needs in this world, I am blessed, .....acknowledge your Beauty, acknowledge there is no other one like you in this world, acknowledge the same I do that what you came to this world to do, noone else can do it, you are unique, you are gifted and your are blessed, Alhamdulillah. You are on your way to excellence, keep striving my beloved sister and let the past be past and begin your future deciding consciously what you want in your present, Insha´Allah.
Count your blessings, once you begin, you will see they are infinite and say Alhamdulillah for everyone of them.
One step necessary to move on in a healthiest way is to forgive all of those that have hurt you during the years, please forgive them and if you don´t feel the strength, talk to Allah(swt) ask Him to help you, submit completely to Him and be sure He (swt) listens all, He(swt) anwers the prayers adn He(swt) knows best.
Bismillah, forgive yourself for your actual condition and make the steps necessaries to be who you are called to be. Have you ever appreciated how a face with a smile from Heart shines?, have you seen that glow?, I want to see that beautiful smile from Heart on you, that confidence that tells:" I am blessed by my Lord(Swt), He(swt) is my Guidance and my Light, He (swt) shows me the ways to be who I am called to be, Alhamdulillah, Insha´Allah"
Allah(swt) has the power to heal our wounds and even make the scars dissappear, He(swt) helps and guides us toward it through the healing power of unconditional Love, unconditional Respect, Humility, Compassion, Mercy, Honesty, Gratefulness, ......Sister go to Allah(swt) to fill your cup with all the Bounties, Mercies and Blessings He(swt) has for you and bend your knees to show your submission to Him, He(swt) will open your Heart to the Light .
Pray your salat on time, please if you can, this will make a huge difference in your life and in your attitude towards life, read and recite the Quran, now couldn´t be a better time, make dikr, there is a link on duas on top of the page, read and learn the Names and Attributes of our Lord(swt), live to be the muslimah you are from the marrow of your bones and Insha´Allah everyone will see the sun shining through your eyes, Insha´Allah.
Ramadan mubarak.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salams,jazakallah khair sisters for the wonderful reply.ya marriage is a big committment and probably i am getting very nervous over it.as sister said even sometimes i feel it may be due to the insecurities and inherent inferiority complexes i had been harboring since a long time.
i am a below average looking girl who was mostly ridiculed by my cousins relatives and classmates,so wen i got engaged to this guy may be i still feel very insecure.is there any dua to get myself confident sisters?
thank u brother john for the stern and harsh reply. i was hurt excessively as u say i have so much attitude and i dont deserve a righteous person.
alhamdulillah the only boon that i may have is my education but most muslim guys dont go for education rather only for looks.which i can humbly say i am very average.this is the saddest part
.as brother john said most highly educated muslim professionals are happy with girls who have done their schooling ,but can u pls let me know how many guys would compromise on a girls beauty??the average looking muslim girl is not a good marriage material whether she is pious or educated also..
ramadhan kareem to everyone there and may Allah bless you all for the nobel work Ameen.
salams
A stern and harsh reply is what sometimes is needed. Everyone talks about the great leaders in history, they achieved greatness through showing affection and kindness but at times when required being brutally honest and harsh.
As for your statement about feeling inferior, well that's a sad mode of thinking and it's unfortunate you have relatives so awful as to insult you, but that cannot be used as an excuse for thinking your husband isn't good enough.
My personal opinion is, your thinking too much about the world and others and not enough about yourself and this one man. You ought to be very careful, it could be that if you lose, Allah forbid it should happen, lose this proposal and man, you may never find a good man like him again. In fact it may well be you end up sad, old and lonely like many of the others on here who constantly moan about not finding Mr/Mrs Right.
Yes people would like a beautiful wife, but not everyone will get one. Yes everyone would like a handsome husband, but not everyone will get one. That's a fact of life. About 15% of the world's population can be considered very attractive/handsome, what does that mean, the rest of the 85% just sit and around in misery? I'd like an Aston Martin and a 6 figure salary, doesn't mean I'll get it.
This is where parents and elders need to have common sense, if their daughter/son is not an extremely good looking person, they need to try and find someone of similar looks, this is so at least they are comfortable with each other. I think I speak for a lot of men when I say, we don't think about beauty first, we think about how her character is, if her character is ugly, doesn't matter what her face is like, we won't go near her.
As for your final comment, with men being satisfied with low education girls because they care only about looks, I'd like to think that men aren't that shallow. The reason why education doesn't matter to me is because I want a wife who'll stay at home, so the education is irrelevant. Sometimes you'll find an educated person like myself, got education through natural intelligence and not hard work as it what's expected. In fact I got a degree without having to study, that's how little sometimes I take note of whether a person has a degree or not. In fact our degree was an extremely difficult one, the most difficult in our Uni and our Uni is in the top 10 in the UK, but all my friends, all of the lads ended up with 2.1s or 2.2s minimum without ever having to study hard.
Why do you care what others think anyway? Why don't you care what you think yourself, what Allah sees (ie a good Muslima who will be satisfied with her husband whatever his shortcomings are) and why don't you care that your husband is marrying you and if he's happy nothing anyone else thinks matters.
assalam,
yes bro john you are hundred pc right .thank you for your pearls of wisdom.sometimes i feel any amount of education or piety will not give mr the confidence i ought to possess because of my inferiority bout myself and right now my fiancee also.
when i often see how people esp. muslims comment how lucky a guy is because of his beautiful wife etc,i feel intimidated.marriage is also about intimacy they say and it causes chills down my spine as i am not good enough. i dedicated my life to my profession as i had no guy who would like ma and decided not to get married it is then that i got this proposal. so i have different feelings as why does the guy like me is he too craving for security am i good enough is he uitable etc etc. may Allah increase my confidence and make me good looking in front of my husband..ameen
once again Jazakallah khair john
and thanku everyone for the charity u are doing un providing comfort to everyone who seeks advise
Vagabond i hope you and your future husband will be happy insha'Allah, say Allahamdulilaah, sister all those other girls who are marrying or married were scared to, i dont no any women that does not think some times she is not good enough in some way but its all rubbish and baseless, pulse dont listen to nagative people around you in one ear out the other thats what i say smile when answering these people and tell them you the lucky and blessed to have a man who no's his deen.
Sister Vagabond,
I think there is a larger underlying problem that you’re experiencing and being displeased with your husband’s profession is a symptom of it. You already know that problem, its inferiority complex. Many women today feel this way especially due to the media and their perception of a “perfect woman”. Really, in reality there is no perfect beautiful woman or man. We all have something beautiful about us.
I myself at times struggle with my looks despite being complemented by so many people but then I look at those that are less fortunate and feel ashamed that I’m looking at external beauty which will eventually fade or Allah forbid can vanish in a minute if I were to get in a car accident and have damaged my face. When I went back home a few years a go I saw this deformed man begging for money and I looked at him and thanked Allah swt for the bounties I have. This man didn’t care about his looks, his ripped clothes, his deformed hands and eyes, all he cared about was asking money for food—he was fulfilling his basic need and alhumdulillah those needs of ours are fulfilled and we are looking for gratification in these superficial, temporary things.
Dear sis yes some men do look at beauty (and from an evolutionary perspective Psychologists have claimed it’s because beauty equates to being young which equates to be fertile which means she can bear the man’s children better than an older woman who with time starts to age and looks less beautiful) whereas women focus on financial stability (not that we are gold diggers but because she is seeking security and protection—again from an evolutionary perspective). In a nutshell these things do matter but they shouldn’t be the first thing in our “ideal husband/wife” list and those men who only run after beauty are seeking the wrong thing. Like brother John said, one’s character matters more than their looks. I have seen extremely beautiful girls who once they open their mouth are very rude and disrespectful and I don’t see them as beautiful women anymore. But I have seen some average looking women who have such beautiful hearts mashAllah that they are 100xs better than those good looking women.
If you have found a man who is committed to his deen, is earning money through halal means (and has a respectable job), is placing more emphasis on your inner beauty than your outer beauty then accept this bounty from Allah swt. It’s normal to think, “Why is he choosing me?” when there are so many beautiful women out there but not all men think alike. Some men don’t mind marrying an average woman as long as she’s loving, caring and loyal to him and his family—the same goes for many women.
So now that you know the root to your problem, try working on that instead of looking at other women and feeling envious. I remember hearing an Islamic lecture (I don’t remember from who) but they said something that is glued to my mind and every time I feel jealous I remember it. He said, being jealous is like setting dry grass on fire (and dry grass burns very quickly when lit on fire)—that’s how dangerous it is and that’s how much it affects your heart. Your heart becomes unsound filled with negativity and darkness; you really don’t want to head down that path. And remember, by being jealous you’re only going to hurt yourself, there is no benefit out of it. I have seen many relationships go down the drain through jealousy; it’s a recipe for disaster.
-Helping Sister
jazakallah khair helping sister and zeena.:)ill try to look at those below me and inshaallah keep myself doing that.
i just wanted to know if there is a reward in aakhira for those with very less beauty or complexion.?
thank you for the replies
Neither beauty nor ugliness carries any reward. What is rewarded is patience, humility and tawakkul. However, if someone is diseased, disabled or injured, and is patient, Allah rewards for that.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister varabond (eeyaco) i know how this beauty thing can really effect people, my husband and i are considered good looking and when we got married some people would say " your kids are going to be beautiful fair skinned and tall blah blah blah" anyway when i had my first child he was darker than us well the same people would say "oo he is dark who does he look like he does not look like you or your husband" well i just use to laugh at these silly people, and then i had my other son who was fair and looked like us, well by this time my older son could understand the comments people were making about how the baby was so beautiful and not like him at all "oo their so different" and i could see him get visibly upset, well iam not one to shut up so i just would speak my mind to these people and tell them if they dont have anything good to say than please dont talk your rot infront of my child, Allahamdulila he is a very confident child and the apple of my eye and beautiful, but i think if he was a girl and i just let those kind of comments pass then it could become a real self esteem issue, i truly believe beauty is skin deep their is so much more to married life sister you will see insha'Allah.
I'm glad to hear that you are proud of your children and that you stand up for them.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with SisterZ and AJ. However, if you live in the UK (or anywhere else in the west for that matter) and you truly don't want to marry him, then no one can force you to. Follow your heart.
salaams,no i live in india.
my heart says to marry him because of his piety and goo nature.but my mind says to find someone professionally settled.inshaallah hope it turns out fine
salams
What do you mean "I am a gynecologist and he is a dentist" what makes you thing that you have a higher status? I can assure you all dentists are capable of studying medicine but not all doctors are capable of studying dentistry. During the time I was a dental student I had a friend who was a doctor but wanted to study dentistry to become a maxillofacial surgeon. He told me that he used to think dentistry was easy, but he admitted that he was wrong, in the UK there are 30 medical schools each accepting 250-350 medical students every year, but there are 13 dental school each accepting 50-70 dental students every year. Nowadays is much harder to enter a dental school than a medical school. If you don't agree please do your research!
Typical dentist's reply.
YES YOU SHOULD!!!!! BECAUSE I AM A DOCTOR MY HUSBAND IS A DENTIST WE ARE NOW HAPPILY MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS AND STAYING EDINBURGH UK. WE ARE WAITING FOR OUR GRANDCHILDREN HIHI TAKDOK MASALOH GAPO PUN BAHAGIO JAH JIWO ACU JANGEY DOK BRONA KOKSE GAK
I am dentist.have permanent govt. Job in Pakistan..
Anonymous, I have published your comment as a separate post here:
Man proposed to me but family refusing because of his qualifications
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor